Projection (Understanding the Psychology of Projecting) - Teal Swan -

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Hello there.

If you're watching this video

chances are you've heard of projection.

You've been in that scenario

where you're looking at someone
who is upset at you thinking:

"Isn't that just the pot
calling the kettle black?"

Or you've been in that situation

were someone looks at you
and says: "You're just projecting".

But the thing is,

most of us don't know the
mechanism behind projecting.

We don't know why we do it,

or how to stop.

Which is, of course, why we're
having this discussion today.

We are born whole,

but that wholeness is short lived.

It's short lived because we
are born relationally dependent.

To be born relationally dependent

in a family that is not fully evolved yet,

because society is not fully evolved yet,

spells immense trouble.

It means that we're about to learn

that certain aspects
of ourselves are acceptable,

and certain aspects
of ourselves are unacceptable.

And this is where the trouble starts.

What is acceptable verses unacceptable

depends upon the family
you're born into.

The aspects of us that
are seen as unacceptable

(both positive and negative)

are rejected by our family,

and the aspects
that are seen as acceptable

are accepted by our family.

So being relationally dependent

in the name of survival,

we do anything we can

to disown and deny and suppress

those aspects of ourselves

that are disapproved of,

and exaggerate those
that are approved of.

We dissociate from what we disapprove of.

This creates a split within the person

that we call the conscious
and the subconscious.

This self preservation instinct

is in fact,

our first act of self rejection.

For example,

a child is born into a family

where anger is not
an okay emotion to express.

When the child gets angry,

they're ashamed for that anger,

so the child suppresses
and denies their anger

for the sake of survival
within the household.

But the anger does not go away.

They just consciously deny it.

It becomes sub-conscious.

As an adult,

this person will most likely
not have any awareness

that they have any anger in them at all.

They will not and cannot
see themselves clearly

because they have denied
that aspect of themselves.

So when people tell them
that they are angry,

they will not relate to that at all.

They may only relate to themselves

as easy going.

When we deny, suppress
or disown something

it's not like it just disappears.

we just lose
our conscious awareness of it.

We dissociate from
the awareness of that thing.

Now in order for us

to recognise that thing which
we are denying and suppressing,

we have to feel the pain

of the absence of that particular thing.

No wonder self awareness is so difficult.

Every human in existence

that was ever socialized,

which is everyone,

went through this process
of splitting themselves into parts.

Parts that are owned
and parts that were disowned.

This self rejection
is the birth of self hate.

The emptiness that we feel

is the result of those missing,

rejected or disowned parts of our self.

And the soul is motivated for one thing;

that's to make us whole again.

We will be provided
every single opportunity

to become whole again.

But in order to become whole again,

we need to see and accept

the aspects of ourselves
that we've disowned.

This is painful.

Self awareness doesn't come naturally

to people who like to avoid pain.

Because

in order for us to really

get to a space of wholeness,

what we have to do

is to stop avoiding the pain,

we have to stop avoiding
that feeling of void

that is inherently within us

because of the missing
aspects of ourselves,

and instead, we need to go
straight in the direction of it.

So where does projection
come into all of this?

We tend to overcompensate

for whatever trait we have suppressed

or denied or rejected.

For example,

somebody who is super apathetic

is going to suppress the aspect
of themselves that strives,

and someone who strives

is most likely going to suppress

the aspects of themselves
that are apathetic.

Now because the soul is motivated

in the direction of completion,

in the direction of wholeness,

it wants to find a partner

that makes it feel more whole,

so the external world
becomes the substitute

for what we're missing
in our internal world.

For this very reason,

in our partnership and friendships

we tend to attract both extremes.

We attract people into our lives

who mirror both extremities within us,

so that we can have the opportunity

to be aware of our own dichotomy.

The law of attraction
responds to both extremes.

The over compensation,

and the aspect of ourselves

that we have suppressed
to the extreme.

We are matched to them

even though they seem
to be the opposite of us,

because that denied self

is still a part of us

and is still, therefore,
subject to the law of attraction.

But our partners,
romantic partners specifically,

or those that are the very closest to us

tend to be our opposing mirror.

They reflect the attribute we suppressed

and we reflect the aspect
that they suppressed.

The person who is apathetic,
therefore, will mostly likely end up

in a relationship with a success freak,

and both of them will be
caused pain by the other

because each is a reminder
of the rejected aspects of themselves.

They reflect to each other the lost self.

Guess what?

We recognize and see in other people

the things we have rejected
and denied within ourselves,

This is really the essence of projection.

When we notice
an attribute in someone else

that we have made not okay
within ourselves long ago,

we have the same reaction to that,

that we did to that aspect within us

the first time.

Reject it, avoid it,

suppress it,

get rid of it.

On the flip side,

when we see positive
aspects in other people

that we have suppressed within ourselves,

we fall in love.

It feels like our opportunity
to become more whole

we want more of it,

we become addicted to it,

we glorify it and put it on a pedestal

and even idolize it.

This is in fact what's happening

when you see crowds of screaming girls
at Justin Bieber concerts.

They're all projecting the post of aspect

that they've disowned
in themselves, onto him.

Mostly a sense of
significance and sexuality.

Which they of course, disowned

in order to be good, obedient,
humble little girls

who obey their parents.

The main characteristic of
the suppressed or denied self,

is its complete invisibility to you,

and its complete visibility
to other people.

This is why it must
surprise the hell out of you

that some people see the traits in you
that you don't see at all.

But guess what?

This is how it's supposed to work

if you've been suppressing
an aspect to yourself,

you are not supposed to
have any awareness of it,

that was the point in the first place.

Disassociating from it,
was your survival technique.

So if somebody makes you feel

like projection is another
personality flaw,

you can think again,

because for all of us
that have been socialized,

this is going to be the outcome.

Any extreme aversion

to a trait in another person

is a reflection of the level of rejection

that you developed towards that trait

or the potential of that trait

within yourself.

The more we love something
in someone else,

the more we disowned it
in ourself long ago.

Now, there's a misunderstanding
when it comes to projection;

There's an idea that
when projection is happening,

when someone is projecting
something onto somebody else,

they're projecting a trait that
that other person does not have.

But projection is always a two way street.

That means one of two things:

Either, both people
have that very same trait,

and the one is just
recognizing it in the other,

or the very act of being a match

to being projected upon,

is indicative of something
that is being reflected

in the other person.

In other words, to have
someone project upon us,

we have to be a vibrational match
to that experience.

Meaning that the experience
of being projected upon

is also reflecting something
that is denied within ourselves.

On that note,

it must be said

that projection has become

like the single biggest
cop out and deflection technique

that has ever been invented,

especially in the new age community.

It drives me nuts
when I hear people saying:

"You're just projecting".

It's a super-good way to get out of

having to look at yourself
clearly or objectively.

You're never going to get to
a space of self awareness

if that's what you continue to do.

You cannot consciously see someone clearly

until you are completely
conscious of yourself.

If you aren't,

you will continue to see everyone

through the filter of
your own subconscious mind.

Every time we cop out
of looking at ourselves, by saying:

"You're just projecting",

we miss the opportunity
to see ourselves clearly

and we miss the opportunity to see
our world and each other clearly.

Every single one of us projects.

Every single one of us

recognizes what we have
denied and suppressed

and disowned within ourselves,
in its external reflection.

At this point in our evolutionary history,

projection is not
going to stop completely .

And the goal of your life

should not be to stop projecting,

it should be to become
completely self aware.

And our extreme negative and
extreme positive reactions to others

are the perfect opportunity
to develop self awareness.

Also, the more we reject
something in someone else,

the more we perpetuate our own wounding.

Because in rejecting or disapproving
of that thing in them,

we are re-rejecting

and re-disapproving of it in ourselves.

So here we are,

how to uncover your self-rejection

by using projection to your advantage.

#1.

Look at the negative traits
or aspects about other people

that you don't like.

Especially, look at the traits
you don't like about your partner.

What bothers you?

#2.

Discover the positive intention

behind the thing
that you hate in other people.

In other words,

what is the real positive intention

for the reason that they are
doing that super negative thing

or possessing that negative trait.

The answer is, of course,

always going to be in line

with trying to keep themselves
from getting hurt.

#3.

Why was it dangerous,
or is it dangerous

for those people to be the opposite
of those negative traits?

For example, if I'm lazy,

why it was a dangerous or not okay

to be driven and motivated?

#4.

Recognize that no matter how much
you might want to deny it

or not admit to it,

these aspects that you
despise in other people,

are always a reflection of yourself.

These are attributes
that you have suppressed.

These traits are a mirror
of what you've rejected in yourself.

The more you're trying to
protect yourself from yourself,

the more the aspects you hate in others

will look nothing like you.

You'll tell yourself:

"I'm not that way at all".

#5.

Be willing to be vulnerable enough

that you are able to open
your mind up to the idea

that these traits are yours

and recognize how it's true
that they are yours.

Now, there are two possibilities here:

Either you are very much like
those things you hate in others,

or those things you hate in others

are so buried and so rejected in you,

that you never do that same thing

to a degree that's unhealthy.

#6.

If you're struggling with this process,

involve other people in the process.

A good way to know if
you have been suppressing

or denying something, or projecting,

is if you have heard the same
negative thing about yourself

from more than one person.

Another good idea

is to have people that know you well

write down the things
that they don't like about you.

Those negative aspects that they see,

and then take special notice

of the things that
more than one person says.

#7.

Just as you did with your partner earlier

or with other people earlier,

ask yourself:

"Why was it dangerous to be the opposite

of these negative traits
that I obviously posses?"

For example:

"Why is it not okay for me to be lazy?"

#8.

Begin to find approval for
the things that you dislike

in other people and in yourself.

Now this is not the same thing
as lying to yourself.

You can't say:

"Oh they're narcissistic, I like that"

Because it's not true.

But there might be some things
that come along with being narcissistic

that would be really nice,
they are actual positives.

Those are the kind of things
you want to look at

so you can release your resistance,

not only to other people,

but more especially

to the aspect of yourself

that you're denying, suppressing
and trying to dissociate from.

For example,

a person who is cruel

may have no problem

caring what other people think of them.

Don't we all wish we could be that free?

#9.

Adopt the aspects of others
that you dislike,

that are in fact just mirrors
of aspects of yourself

that you dislike,

in a way that benefits you.

This doesn't mean become
lazy or become cruel.

What it means is:

Take time off

or quit saying yes to everyone.

What is the positive aspect
of someone who is lazy?

They are not afraid to rest.

So adopting that
disowned aspect of yourself

could take the form of you taking a rest.

This will bring you closer
to the state of wholeness.

You can do this entire process
that I've just outlined

with positives as well.

To do that you simply need to figure out

what you admire,

envy or fall in love with in other people,

especially your partner,

kids and idols.

And discover the positive intention

behind suppressing
those things inside yourself.

Discover why it was dangerous
to have those positive traits.

For example, if I am lazy

and I envy people who are
driven and motivated,

why was it dangerous

or not okay to be driven
and motivated growing up?

Find ways to express
those particular traits in your life.

So if I'm at a Justin Bieber concert

and I love the significance that he has,

how do I let myself
have more significance?

Knowing of course,

that the aspect of me that is suppressed,
is still an aspect of me.

There's a potion in there

that is highly significant

and that wants that significance
to be expressed.

Judgement doesn't have to
be such a bad thing.

And you can't stop judging

just by deciding to do it.

Has that ever worked for any of you?

I've never seen it work before.

What that means is,

instead of worrying ourselves
with stopping judging other people,

we need to instead develop an open mind,

that is open enough

to take a look at
our judgements completely,

to use our judgement of other people,

both positive and negative,

to recognize the aspects that
we have rejected within ourselves.

This causes our judgements
to turn into observations.

So, what do you judge?

Projection is one of the best
tools for self awareness.

It's also one of the best excuses

to avoid self awareness.

We cannot be truly authentic

as long as we continue to
reject, suppress, deny or disown

aspects of ourselves,

whether they be positive or negative.

So if you're willing
to be uncomfortable enough

to see yourself clearly,

most especially the aspects
of yourself that are missing,

I can guarantee you

that you are well along
the way to authenticity

and you are well along the way
to a state of wholeness.

Have a good week.