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Hello there.
If you're watching this video
chances are you've heard of projection.
You've been in that scenario
where you're looking at someone
who is upset at you thinking:
"Isn't that just the pot
calling the kettle black?"
Or you've been in that situation
were someone looks at you
and says: "You're just projecting".
But the thing is,
most of us don't know the
mechanism behind projecting.
We don't know why we do it,
or how to stop.
Which is, of course, why we're
having this discussion today.
We are born whole,
but that wholeness is short lived.
It's short lived because we
are born relationally dependent.
To be born relationally dependent
in a family that is not fully evolved yet,
because society is not fully evolved yet,
spells immense trouble.
It means that we're about to learn
that certain aspects
of ourselves are acceptable,
and certain aspects
of ourselves are unacceptable.
And this is where the trouble starts.
What is acceptable verses unacceptable
depends upon the family
you're born into.
The aspects of us that
are seen as unacceptable
(both positive and negative)
are rejected by our family,
and the aspects
that are seen as acceptable
are accepted by our family.
So being relationally dependent
in the name of survival,
we do anything we can
to disown and deny and suppress
those aspects of ourselves
that are disapproved of,
and exaggerate those
that are approved of.
We dissociate from what we disapprove of.
This creates a split within the person
that we call the conscious
and the subconscious.
This self preservation instinct
is in fact,
our first act of self rejection.
For example,
a child is born into a family
where anger is not
an okay emotion to express.
When the child gets angry,
they're ashamed for that anger,
so the child suppresses
and denies their anger
for the sake of survival
within the household.
But the anger does not go away.
They just consciously deny it.
It becomes sub-conscious.
As an adult,
this person will most likely
not have any awareness
that they have any anger in them at all.
They will not and cannot
see themselves clearly
because they have denied
that aspect of themselves.
So when people tell them
that they are angry,
they will not relate to that at all.
They may only relate to themselves
as easy going.
When we deny, suppress
or disown something
it's not like it just disappears.
we just lose
our conscious awareness of it.
We dissociate from
the awareness of that thing.
Now in order for us
to recognise that thing which
we are denying and suppressing,
we have to feel the pain
of the absence of that particular thing.
No wonder self awareness is so difficult.
Every human in existence
that was ever socialized,
which is everyone,
went through this process
of splitting themselves into parts.
Parts that are owned
and parts that were disowned.
This self rejection
is the birth of self hate.
The emptiness that we feel
is the result of those missing,
rejected or disowned parts of our self.
And the soul is motivated for one thing;
that's to make us whole again.
We will be provided
every single opportunity
to become whole again.
But in order to become whole again,
we need to see and accept
the aspects of ourselves
that we've disowned.
This is painful.
Self awareness doesn't come naturally
to people who like to avoid pain.
Because
in order for us to really
get to a space of wholeness,
what we have to do
is to stop avoiding the pain,
we have to stop avoiding
that feeling of void
that is inherently within us
because of the missing
aspects of ourselves,
and instead, we need to go
straight in the direction of it.
So where does projection
come into all of this?
We tend to overcompensate
for whatever trait we have suppressed
or denied or rejected.
For example,
somebody who is super apathetic
is going to suppress the aspect
of themselves that strives,
and someone who strives
is most likely going to suppress
the aspects of themselves
that are apathetic.
Now because the soul is motivated
in the direction of completion,
in the direction of wholeness,
it wants to find a partner
that makes it feel more whole,
so the external world
becomes the substitute
for what we're missing
in our internal world.
For this very reason,
in our partnership and friendships
we tend to attract both extremes.
We attract people into our lives
who mirror both extremities within us,
so that we can have the opportunity
to be aware of our own dichotomy.
The law of attraction
responds to both extremes.
The over compensation,
and the aspect of ourselves
that we have suppressed
to the extreme.
We are matched to them
even though they seem
to be the opposite of us,
because that denied self
is still a part of us
and is still, therefore,
subject to the law of attraction.
But our partners,
romantic partners specifically,
or those that are the very closest to us
tend to be our opposing mirror.
They reflect the attribute we suppressed
and we reflect the aspect
that they suppressed.
The person who is apathetic,
therefore, will mostly likely end up
in a relationship with a success freak,
and both of them will be
caused pain by the other
because each is a reminder
of the rejected aspects of themselves.
They reflect to each other the lost self.
Guess what?
We recognize and see in other people
the things we have rejected
and denied within ourselves,
This is really the essence of projection.
When we notice
an attribute in someone else
that we have made not okay
within ourselves long ago,
we have the same reaction to that,
that we did to that aspect within us
the first time.
Reject it, avoid it,
suppress it,
get rid of it.
On the flip side,
when we see positive
aspects in other people
that we have suppressed within ourselves,
we fall in love.
It feels like our opportunity
to become more whole
we want more of it,
we become addicted to it,
we glorify it and put it on a pedestal
and even idolize it.
This is in fact what's happening
when you see crowds of screaming girls
at Justin Bieber concerts.
They're all projecting the post of aspect
that they've disowned
in themselves, onto him.
Mostly a sense of
significance and sexuality.
Which they of course, disowned
in order to be good, obedient,
humble little girls
who obey their parents.
The main characteristic of
the suppressed or denied self,
is its complete invisibility to you,
and its complete visibility
to other people.
This is why it must
surprise the hell out of you
that some people see the traits in you
that you don't see at all.
But guess what?
This is how it's supposed to work
if you've been suppressing
an aspect to yourself,
you are not supposed to
have any awareness of it,
that was the point in the first place.
Disassociating from it,
was your survival technique.
So if somebody makes you feel
like projection is another
personality flaw,
you can think again,
because for all of us
that have been socialized,
this is going to be the outcome.
Any extreme aversion
to a trait in another person
is a reflection of the level of rejection
that you developed towards that trait
or the potential of that trait
within yourself.
The more we love something
in someone else,
the more we disowned it
in ourself long ago.
Now, there's a misunderstanding
when it comes to projection;
There's an idea that
when projection is happening,
when someone is projecting
something onto somebody else,
they're projecting a trait that
that other person does not have.
But projection is always a two way street.
That means one of two things:
Either, both people
have that very same trait,
and the one is just
recognizing it in the other,
or the very act of being a match
to being projected upon,
is indicative of something
that is being reflected
in the other person.
In other words, to have
someone project upon us,
we have to be a vibrational match
to that experience.
Meaning that the experience
of being projected upon
is also reflecting something
that is denied within ourselves.
On that note,
it must be said
that projection has become
like the single biggest
cop out and deflection technique
that has ever been invented,
especially in the new age community.
It drives me nuts
when I hear people saying:
"You're just projecting".
It's a super-good way to get out of
having to look at yourself
clearly or objectively.
You're never going to get to
a space of self awareness
if that's what you continue to do.
You cannot consciously see someone clearly
until you are completely
conscious of yourself.
If you aren't,
you will continue to see everyone
through the filter of
your own subconscious mind.
Every time we cop out
of looking at ourselves, by saying:
"You're just projecting",
we miss the opportunity
to see ourselves clearly
and we miss the opportunity to see
our world and each other clearly.
Every single one of us projects.
Every single one of us
recognizes what we have
denied and suppressed
and disowned within ourselves,
in its external reflection.
At this point in our evolutionary history,
projection is not
going to stop completely .
And the goal of your life
should not be to stop projecting,
it should be to become
completely self aware.
And our extreme negative and
extreme positive reactions to others
are the perfect opportunity
to develop self awareness.
Also, the more we reject
something in someone else,
the more we perpetuate our own wounding.
Because in rejecting or disapproving
of that thing in them,
we are re-rejecting
and re-disapproving of it in ourselves.
So here we are,
how to uncover your self-rejection
by using projection to your advantage.
#1.
Look at the negative traits
or aspects about other people
that you don't like.
Especially, look at the traits
you don't like about your partner.
What bothers you?
#2.
Discover the positive intention
behind the thing
that you hate in other people.
In other words,
what is the real positive intention
for the reason that they are
doing that super negative thing
or possessing that negative trait.
The answer is, of course,
always going to be in line
with trying to keep themselves
from getting hurt.
#3.
Why was it dangerous,
or is it dangerous
for those people to be the opposite
of those negative traits?
For example, if I'm lazy,
why it was a dangerous or not okay
to be driven and motivated?
#4.
Recognize that no matter how much
you might want to deny it
or not admit to it,
these aspects that you
despise in other people,
are always a reflection of yourself.
These are attributes
that you have suppressed.
These traits are a mirror
of what you've rejected in yourself.
The more you're trying to
protect yourself from yourself,
the more the aspects you hate in others
will look nothing like you.
You'll tell yourself:
"I'm not that way at all".
#5.
Be willing to be vulnerable enough
that you are able to open
your mind up to the idea
that these traits are yours
and recognize how it's true
that they are yours.
Now, there are two possibilities here:
Either you are very much like
those things you hate in others,
or those things you hate in others
are so buried and so rejected in you,
that you never do that same thing
to a degree that's unhealthy.
#6.
If you're struggling with this process,
involve other people in the process.
A good way to know if
you have been suppressing
or denying something, or projecting,
is if you have heard the same
negative thing about yourself
from more than one person.
Another good idea
is to have people that know you well
write down the things
that they don't like about you.
Those negative aspects that they see,
and then take special notice
of the things that
more than one person says.
#7.
Just as you did with your partner earlier
or with other people earlier,
ask yourself:
"Why was it dangerous to be the opposite
of these negative traits
that I obviously posses?"
For example:
"Why is it not okay for me to be lazy?"
#8.
Begin to find approval for
the things that you dislike
in other people and in yourself.
Now this is not the same thing
as lying to yourself.
You can't say:
"Oh they're narcissistic, I like that"
Because it's not true.
But there might be some things
that come along with being narcissistic
that would be really nice,
they are actual positives.
Those are the kind of things
you want to look at
so you can release your resistance,
not only to other people,
but more especially
to the aspect of yourself
that you're denying, suppressing
and trying to dissociate from.
For example,
a person who is cruel
may have no problem
caring what other people think of them.
Don't we all wish we could be that free?
#9.
Adopt the aspects of others
that you dislike,
that are in fact just mirrors
of aspects of yourself
that you dislike,
in a way that benefits you.
This doesn't mean become
lazy or become cruel.
What it means is:
Take time off
or quit saying yes to everyone.
What is the positive aspect
of someone who is lazy?
They are not afraid to rest.
So adopting that
disowned aspect of yourself
could take the form of you taking a rest.
This will bring you closer
to the state of wholeness.
You can do this entire process
that I've just outlined
with positives as well.
To do that you simply need to figure out
what you admire,
envy or fall in love with in other people,
especially your partner,
kids and idols.
And discover the positive intention
behind suppressing
those things inside yourself.
Discover why it was dangerous
to have those positive traits.
For example, if I am lazy
and I envy people who are
driven and motivated,
why was it dangerous
or not okay to be driven
and motivated growing up?
Find ways to express
those particular traits in your life.
So if I'm at a Justin Bieber concert
and I love the significance that he has,
how do I let myself
have more significance?
Knowing of course,
that the aspect of me that is suppressed,
is still an aspect of me.
There's a potion in there
that is highly significant
and that wants that significance
to be expressed.
Judgement doesn't have to
be such a bad thing.
And you can't stop judging
just by deciding to do it.
Has that ever worked for any of you?
I've never seen it work before.
What that means is,
instead of worrying ourselves
with stopping judging other people,
we need to instead develop an open mind,
that is open enough
to take a look at
our judgements completely,
to use our judgement of other people,
both positive and negative,
to recognize the aspects that
we have rejected within ourselves.
This causes our judgements
to turn into observations.
So, what do you judge?
Projection is one of the best
tools for self awareness.
It's also one of the best excuses
to avoid self awareness.
We cannot be truly authentic
as long as we continue to
reject, suppress, deny or disown
aspects of ourselves,
whether they be positive or negative.
So if you're willing
to be uncomfortable enough
to see yourself clearly,
most especially the aspects
of yourself that are missing,
I can guarantee you
that you are well along
the way to authenticity
and you are well along the way
to a state of wholeness.
Have a good week.