The Two Ronnies - Opticians Sketch

One of my favourite Two Ronnies sketches - The Opticians Sketch!
Now this version is not only one of the better versions on Youtube, but it also is the longest as there is a portion that is not on the DVD releases - look at the end as we see Ronnie Barker's character deliver the final zing of "so, this is where I work then" - classic!

Hello?

Anybody there?

Ah! Good morning!

I'm sorry I...

Oh sorry, sorry, sorry, I meant to eh, I meant to...

Good morning Miss Prindergast, you're early!

Oh good morning.

Oh, I'm sorry. Good morning sir.

Good morning.

Erm, could I have 2 pounds of potatoes please?

No,no,no sir, this is an optician, sir.

eh what?

Opticians. Look, it says so over the door.

Oh yes, so it does!

Well it doesn't matter, because I was coming here anyway. I've got it here on my list: greengrocer's and opticians. You see?

Oh, I see, yes.

It was the wife's idea, actually.

Oh yes, well, do sit down, will you.

Thank you very much!...You're...you're new here, aren't you?

Yes, I've been here about 6 months, yes.

Yes, I thought I hadn't seen you before.

The other lady left to get married.

Well, you're not a lady, are you?

No, no,no, I just took her job.

would you care for a cup of tea? I've just made one.

That's very nice, yes.

Now tell me, what's a...what seems to be the trouble?

Well, I've just got the feeling that my sight isn't quite what it used to be.

Yes? Whatever ever makes you think that?

Well, I started bumping into people at the office, you know - people I work with.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Yes, what sort of people?

Well, the people I share the office with, you see. I kept bumping into them and I realised I hadn't seen them properly for a long time.

Oh, dear...Do you take sugar?

No, no sugar for me thank you.

Right, here we are then. you have that. Do sit down and we'll see if we can work something out for you shall we.

Thank you very much.

It can be rather inconvenient you know, spectacles. I don't know, do you wear them at all?

er...well I must confess, yes I do I wear them, yes - but only for reading and for seeing things you know.

Yes, well I...I was passing by so I thought I'd just pop in, you know.

Yes, Yes, well you obviously need something a lot stronger.

Yes, I do thank you very much!

Well, I tell you what we'll do.

Yes?

We'll just have a look at some eye charts, shall we? And we'll just test your eyes.

Right, yes.

Is there a.....is there a dog in here?

No, no, no, that was me. I was just...well I was just scratching myself.

Right, now then, lets start. Before we start will you take off your classes, please.

Yes.

Are they off?

Yes.

Oh good, yes, well, lets start...start here from the top, would you, reading?

Right...erm, I'm sorry could you wave your arms about - I've lost my sense of direction a bit.

I'm over here!

Oh, yes, that's it. right.

Erm...no, I'm afraid that's completely stumped me that chart, I'm sorry.

Don't worry, we've got plenty more. Try the one on the back.

A?

I say try the one on the back!

No, 'A'!

What A? no, no no not A, no.

B?

No...keep going.

C?...D?

No.

E?

E! Very good!!

Try the next line, willl you.

Er, no...no

well, don't worry. I'll give you a clue, well er, what do you see with?

your eye?

I...I

And, er, what do you do with your eye?

see?

C! .....Now then, now then. try the next line on your own.

erm...I'm sorry...is there a next line?

No, probably not.

probably not!

I;, sorry, I'm going to have to say this..I...I almost didn't ssee anything on that last chart.

Don't worry! Don't worry. It's just a question of trial and error. trial and error. Don't worry about it.

Now, lets have a look...

what about that?

A?

A! A!Now you had no help at all with that one!

No, I didn't!

...I?

Er, no, that's the hat stand.

em..H?

No. You are reading all the furniture now!

See if you can grab the end of this long pole

have you got it?

Yes!

Thank goodness for that!

I'm just going to get the test frains

now

and we'll try a few lens

right

right, right, here we are.

Just put these on.

all right?

Yes.

Now, first of all we have to black that one out

yes yes

Now, now , lets have a look and seee.

there we are. Now tell me, is that better or worse?

That...is...worse.

Oh

Er, well lets see. what about, what about that?

how's that@

That's fractionally better.

what about if I do this

No , that's worse!

ah, well that is your prescrription

I...al we need now is find out what sort of frames you would like.

off we o. follow me...

Oh sorry!

Now, let usee. what sort of frames have we got here? Ah, here we are. try these nic red frames here.

there we are. let me have those. thankyou

try those. have a look in the hand mirror. see what you think.

they make me look a little old. what do you th..

oh yes it does! oh wait a minute! This isn't a mirror, it's a photograph of an old lady!

no they're no good at all.

have you any others at all?

well, we have there's a...there's these.

what about these. these are...oh wonderful! I can see eveerything as clearly as

No, no they're mine!

No yours are there!

Are you sure?

Yes

god gracious! the whole thing has become clear to me now! wonderful!

isn't that lovely!

certainly is. i trust you will just send me on the bill?

certainly not, I wouldn't gream of such a thing. you have helped me hjust as much as Icve helped you>

it's very kind iof you to say that.

awfully nice to

well, well, well, well!