The lies we tell pregnant women
-
0:01 - 0:04We're going to share
a lot of secrets today, you and I, -
0:04 - 0:06and in doing so, I hope that we can lift
-
0:06 - 0:09some of the shame
many of us feel about sex. -
0:11 - 0:14How many here have ever been
catcalled by a stranger? -
0:16 - 0:18Lots of women.
-
0:19 - 0:21For me, the time I remember best
-
0:21 - 0:25is when that stranger
was a student of mine. -
0:26 - 0:29He came up to me after class that night
-
0:29 - 0:31and his words confirmed
what I already knew: -
0:31 - 0:33"I am so sorry, professor.
-
0:33 - 0:37If I had known it was you,
I would never have said those things." -
0:37 - 0:39(Laughter)
-
0:39 - 0:44I wasn't a person to him
until I was his professor. -
0:45 - 0:47This concept, called objectification,
-
0:47 - 0:49is the foundation of sexism,
-
0:49 - 0:53and we see it reinforced
through every aspect of our lives. -
0:56 - 0:58We see it in the government
-
0:58 - 1:01that refuses to punish men
-
1:01 - 1:03for raping women.
-
1:03 - 1:05We see it in advertisements.
-
1:05 - 1:07How many of you have seen an advertisement
-
1:07 - 1:13that uses a woman's breast
to sell and entirely unrelated product? -
1:15 - 1:18Or movie after movie after movie
-
1:18 - 1:21that portrays women
as only love interests? -
1:22 - 1:26These examples might seem
inconsequential and harmless, -
1:26 - 1:27but they're insidious,
-
1:27 - 1:31slowly building into a culture
that refuses to see women as people. -
1:32 - 1:36We see this in the school
that sends home a 10-year-old girl -
1:36 - 1:40because her clothes were
a distraction to boys trying to learn, -
1:40 - 1:45or the government that refuses
to punish men for raping women -
1:45 - 1:47over and over,
-
1:47 - 1:48or the woman who is killed
-
1:48 - 1:52because she asked a man to stop
grinding on her on the dance floor. -
1:56 - 2:00Media plays a large role in perpetuating
the objectification of women. -
2:01 - 2:04Let's consider
the classic romantic comedy. -
2:04 - 2:08We're typically introduced
to two kinds of women in these movies, -
2:08 - 2:11two kinds of desirable women, anyway.
-
2:11 - 2:13The first is the sexy bombshell.
-
2:13 - 2:17This is the unbelievably gorgeous woman
with the perfect body. -
2:17 - 2:20Our leading man
has no trouble identifying her -
2:20 - 2:22and even less trouble having sex with her.
-
2:23 - 2:25The second is our leading lady,
-
2:25 - 2:28the beautiful but demure woman
our leading man falls in love with -
2:29 - 2:31despite not noticing her at first
-
2:31 - 2:33or not liking her if he did.
-
2:34 - 2:36The first is the slut.
-
2:36 - 2:38She is to be consumed and forgotten.
-
2:38 - 2:39She is much too available.
-
2:40 - 2:43The second is desirable but modest,
-
2:43 - 2:47and therefore worthy
of our leading man's future babies. -
2:47 - 2:48Marriage material.
-
2:49 - 2:52We're actually told
that women have two roles, -
2:52 - 2:56but these two roles have a difficult time
existing within the same woman. -
2:57 - 3:00On the rare occasion
that I share with a new acquaintance -
3:00 - 3:02that I study sex,
-
3:02 - 3:04if they don't end
the conversation right then, -
3:04 - 3:06they're usually pretty intrigued.
-
3:07 - 3:09"Oh. Tell me more."
-
3:09 - 3:10So I do.
-
3:12 - 3:15"I'm really interested
in studying the sexual behaviors -
3:15 - 3:17of pregnant and postpartum couples."
-
3:17 - 3:20At this point I get
a different kind of response. -
3:20 - 3:22(Laughter)
-
3:22 - 3:24"Oh. Huh.
-
3:25 - 3:27Do pregnant people even have sex?
-
3:28 - 3:32Have you thought
about studying sexual desire -
3:32 - 3:33or orgasms?
-
3:33 - 3:36That would be interesting, and sexy."
-
3:38 - 3:41Tell me. What are the first words
that come to mind -
3:41 - 3:42when you picture a pregnant woman?
-
3:43 - 3:47I asked this question
in a survey of over 500 adults, -
3:47 - 3:50and most responded with "belly" or "round"
-
3:50 - 3:52and "cute."
-
3:53 - 3:55This didn't surprise me too much.
-
3:55 - 3:56What else do we label as cute?
-
3:58 - 4:00Babies. Puppies. Kittens.
-
4:00 - 4:02The elderly. Right?
-
4:02 - 4:04(Laughter)
-
4:05 - 4:08When we label an adult as cute, though,
-
4:08 - 4:10we take away a lot of their intelligence,
-
4:10 - 4:11their complexity.
-
4:12 - 4:15We reduce them to childlike qualities.
-
4:16 - 4:17I also asked heterosexual men
-
4:17 - 4:20to imagine a woman that they're
partnered with is pregnant, -
4:20 - 4:23and then asked women
to imagine that they are pregnant, -
4:23 - 4:26and then tell me
the first words that come to mind -
4:26 - 4:28when they imagine having sex.
-
4:29 - 4:31Most of the responses were negative.
-
4:32 - 4:34"Gross."
-
4:34 - 4:35"Awkward."
-
4:35 - 4:38"Not sexy." "Odd."
-
4:38 - 4:39"Uncomfortable."
-
4:39 - 4:40"How?"
-
4:41 - 4:43(Laughter)
-
4:43 - 4:46"Not worth the trouble."
"Not worth the risk." -
4:46 - 4:48That last one really stuck with me.
-
4:50 - 4:54We might think that because we divorce
pregnant women and moms from sexuality, -
4:54 - 4:59we are removing the constraints
of sexual objectification. -
5:00 - 5:02They experience less sexism. Right?
-
5:02 - 5:04Not exactly.
-
5:04 - 5:07What happens instead
is a different kind of objectification. -
5:08 - 5:10In my efforts to explain this to others,
-
5:10 - 5:14one conversation
led to the Venus of Willendorf, -
5:14 - 5:19a Paleolithic figurine scholars assumed
was a goddess of love and beauty, -
5:19 - 5:20hence the name Venus.
-
5:21 - 5:23This theory was later revised, though,
-
5:23 - 5:26when scholars noted
the sculptor's obvious focus -
5:26 - 5:30on the figurine's reproductive features:
-
5:30 - 5:33large breasts,
considered ideal for nursing; -
5:33 - 5:36a round, possibly pregnant belly;
-
5:36 - 5:39the remnants of red dye,
alluding to menstruation or birth. -
5:41 - 5:44They also assumed that she was
meant to be held or placed lying down -
5:44 - 5:48because her tiny feet
don't allow her to be freestanding. -
5:49 - 5:50She also had no face.
-
5:51 - 5:55For this reason, it was assumed
that she was a representation of fertility -
5:55 - 5:58and not a portrait of a person.
-
5:58 - 5:59She was an object.
-
6:00 - 6:01In the history of her interpretation,
-
6:02 - 6:05she went from object
of ideal beauty and love -
6:05 - 6:07to object of reproduction.
-
6:07 - 6:10I think this transition speaks more
-
6:10 - 6:14about the scholars
who have interpreted her purpose -
6:14 - 6:18than the actual purpose
of the figurine herself. -
6:18 - 6:20When a woman becomes pregnant,
-
6:20 - 6:24she leaves the realm
of men's sexual desire -
6:24 - 6:29and slides into her reproductive
and child-rearing role. -
6:29 - 6:31In doing so, she also becomes
-
6:31 - 6:33the property of the community,
-
6:33 - 6:38considered very important
but only because she's pregnant. Right? -
6:38 - 6:41I've taken to calling this
the Willendorf effect, -
6:41 - 6:45and once again we see it reinforced
in many aspects of her life. -
6:45 - 6:48Has anyone here
ever been visibly pregnant? -
6:48 - 6:49(Laughter)
-
6:49 - 6:50Yeah. Lots of you, right?
-
6:50 - 6:54So how many of you ever had a stranger
touch your belly during pregnancy, -
6:54 - 6:58maybe without even asking
your permission first? -
6:58 - 7:01Or told what you can and cannot eat
-
7:01 - 7:04by somebody who is not your doctor,
your medical care provider? -
7:04 - 7:07Or asked private questions
about your birth plan? -
7:08 - 7:11And then told why
those choices are all wrong? -
7:12 - 7:13Yeah, me too.
-
7:13 - 7:17Or had a server refuse
to bring you a glass of wine? -
7:17 - 7:20This one might give you pause,
I know, but stay with me. -
7:20 - 7:22This is a huge secret.
-
7:22 - 7:26It is actually safe to drink
in moderation during pregnancy. -
7:27 - 7:28Many of us don't know this
-
7:28 - 7:32because doctors don't trust
pregnant women with this secret -- -
7:32 - 7:34(Laughter)
-
7:37 - 7:42especially if she's less educated
or a woman of color. -
7:42 - 7:43What this tells us is,
-
7:43 - 7:48this Willendorf effect,
it's also classist and racist. -
7:48 - 7:54It's present when
the government reminds women -
7:54 - 7:56with every new anti-choice bill
-
7:56 - 7:59that the contents of her uterus
are not her own, -
7:59 - 8:01or when an OBGYN says,
-
8:01 - 8:03"While it's safe
to have sex during pregnancy, -
8:04 - 8:05sometimes you never know.
-
8:05 - 8:07Better safe than sorry, right?"
-
8:07 - 8:12She's denied basic privacy
and bodily autonomy -
8:12 - 8:14under the guise of "be a good mother."
-
8:14 - 8:17We don't trust her
to make her own decisions. -
8:17 - 8:19She's cute, remember?
-
8:22 - 8:24When we tell women
-
8:24 - 8:27that sexual pleasure -- excuse me.
-
8:27 - 8:32When we tell women that sex
isn't worth the risk during pregnancy, -
8:32 - 8:36what we're telling her is that
her sexual pleasure doesn't matter. -
8:36 - 8:39So what we are telling her
is that she in fact doesn't matter, -
8:40 - 8:44even though the needs of her fetus
are not at odds with her own needs. -
8:45 - 8:47So medical providers,
-
8:47 - 8:50such as the American College
of Obstetricians and Gynecologists -
8:50 - 8:55have the opportunity to educate
about the safety of sex during pregnancy. -
8:55 - 8:57So what do the experts say?
-
8:58 - 9:00ACOG actually has
no public official statement -
9:00 - 9:03about the safety of sex during pregnancy.
-
9:04 - 9:07Guidance from the Mayo Clinic
is generally positive -
9:07 - 9:10but presented with a caveat:
-
9:10 - 9:13"Although most women can safely
have sex throughout pregnancy, -
9:13 - 9:15sometimes it's best to be cautious."
-
9:15 - 9:18Some women don't want
to have sex during pregnancy, -
9:18 - 9:19and that's OK.
-
9:19 - 9:22Some women do want
to have sex during pregnancy, -
9:22 - 9:23and that's OK, too.
-
9:23 - 9:26What needs to stop
is society telling women -
9:26 - 9:28what they can and cannot do
with their bodies. -
9:29 - 9:32(Applause)
-
9:36 - 9:41Pregnant women are not faceless,
identity-less vessels of reproduction -
9:41 - 9:43who can't stand on their own two feet.
-
9:44 - 9:47But the truth is, the real secret is,
-
9:47 - 9:51we tell all women that
their sexual pleasure doesn't matter. -
9:51 - 9:54We refuse to even acknowledge
that women who have sex with women -
9:54 - 9:56or women who don't
want children even exist. -
9:57 - 9:59"Oh, it's just a phase ...
-
9:59 - 10:01she just needs the right man
to come along." -
10:02 - 10:04Every time a women has sex
-
10:05 - 10:06simply because it feels good,
-
10:07 - 10:08it is revolutionary.
-
10:08 - 10:10She is revolutionary.
-
10:10 - 10:13She is pushing back
against society's insistence -
10:13 - 10:15that she exist simply for men's pleasure
-
10:15 - 10:17or for reproduction.
-
10:18 - 10:22A woman who prioritizes
her sexual needs is scary, -
10:22 - 10:28because a woman who prioritizes
her sexual needs prioritizes herself. -
10:28 - 10:31(Applause)
-
10:31 - 10:36That is a woman demanding
that she be treated as an equal. -
10:36 - 10:37That is a woman who insists
-
10:37 - 10:41that you make room for her
at the table of power, -
10:41 - 10:43and that is the most terrifying of all
-
10:43 - 10:45because we can't make room for her
-
10:46 - 10:49without some of us giving up
the extra space we hold. -
10:51 - 10:53(Applause)
-
10:56 - 10:58I have one last secret for you.
-
10:59 - 11:01I am the mother of two boys
-
11:01 - 11:03and we could use your help.
-
11:03 - 11:08Even though my boys hear me say regularly
-
11:08 - 11:12that it's important for men
to recognize women as equals -
11:12 - 11:14and they see their father modeling this,
-
11:14 - 11:18we need what happens in the world
to reinforce what happens in our home. -
11:19 - 11:22This is not a men's problem
or a women's problem. -
11:22 - 11:23This is everyone's problem,
-
11:24 - 11:28and we all play a role
in dismantling systems of inequality. -
11:29 - 11:31For starters, we have got
to stop telling women -
11:31 - 11:34what they can and cannot do
with their bodies. -
11:34 - 11:37(Applause)
-
11:38 - 11:42This includes not treating pregnant women
like community property. -
11:42 - 11:46If you don't know her,
don't even ask to touch her belly. -
11:46 - 11:48You wouldn't anybody else.
-
11:48 - 11:50Don't tell her
what she can and cannot eat. -
11:50 - 11:53Don't ask her private details
about her medical decisions. -
11:53 - 11:55This also includes understanding
-
11:55 - 11:57that even if you are
personally against abortion, -
11:57 - 12:00you can still fight
for a woman's right to choose. -
12:01 - 12:04When it comes to women's equality,
the two need not oppose one another. -
12:05 - 12:07If you're somebody who has sex with women,
-
12:07 - 12:09prioritize her pleasure.
-
12:09 - 12:11If you don't know how, ask.
-
12:12 - 12:14If you have children --
-
12:14 - 12:16(Laughter)
-
12:16 - 12:19have conversations about sex
as early as possible, -
12:19 - 12:24because kids don't look up s-e-x
in the dictionary anymore. -
12:24 - 12:25They look it up on the internet.
-
12:26 - 12:29And when you're having
those conversations about sex, -
12:30 - 12:32don't center them on reproduction only.
-
12:32 - 12:33People have sex for many reasons,
-
12:33 - 12:35some because they want a baby,
-
12:35 - 12:38but most of us have sex
because it feels good. -
12:38 - 12:39Admit it.
-
12:41 - 12:43And regardless of whether
you have children or not, -
12:43 - 12:48support comprehensive sex education
that doesn't shame our teenagers. -
12:48 - 12:50(Applause)
-
12:56 - 12:59Nothing positive comes from shaming teens
-
12:59 - 13:01for their sexual desires, behaviors,
-
13:02 - 13:06other than positive STD
and pregnancy tests. -
13:07 - 13:10Every single day,
we are all given the opportunity -
13:10 - 13:12to disrupt patterns of inequality.
-
13:13 - 13:16I think we can all agree
that it's worth the trouble to do so. -
13:17 - 13:18Thank you.
-
13:18 - 13:25(Applause)
- Title:
- The lies we tell pregnant women
- Speaker:
- Sofia Jawed-Wessel
- Description:
-
"When we tell women that sex isn't worth the risk during pregnancy, what we're telling her is that her sexual pleasure doesn't matter ... that she in fact doesn't matter," says sex researcher Sofia Jawed-Wessel. In this eye-opening talk, Jawed-Wessel mines our views about pregnancy and pleasure to lay bare the relationship between women, sex and systems of power.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 14:56
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for The lies we tell pregnant women | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for The lies we tell pregnant women | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for The lies we tell pregnant women | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for The lies we tell pregnant women | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for The lies we tell pregnant women | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for The lies we tell pregnant women | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for The lies we tell pregnant women | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for The lies we tell pregnant women |