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I started kindergarten
already being able to read,
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a skill a classmate
would quickly take advantage of.
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He whispered to me in the library one day,
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"Hey Sofia, can you look up the word sex?
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I want to see what
it says in the dictionary."
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I had never heard of this word,
so of course I was curious.
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"Yeah. Okay."
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My fingers slowly trailed down the page,
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eagerly searching for the letters
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s-e-x, s-e-x,
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but before I could land
on the desired word,
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I felt a firm tap on my shoulder
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and a stern gaze hovered over me.
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Sat in the principal's office,
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terrified yet unsure of my crime.
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He leaned in close and said, gently,
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"Now Sofia, why would a little girl
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like yourself be concerned
with a word like that?
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I don't think your parents
would be too happy to hear of it.
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But since this is your first time in here,
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I don't think they need to be told."
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In that simple moment, he created
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the first secret I would ever
keep from my parents --
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(Laughter) --
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and a lifelong curiosity about
this shameful word spelled s-e-x.
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We're going to share
a lot of secrets today, you and I,
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and in doing so, I hope that we can lift
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some of the shame many of us
feel about sex.
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How many here have ever been
catcalled by a stranger?
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Lots of women.
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For me, the time I remember best
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is when that stranger
was a student of mine.
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He came up to me after class that night
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and his words confirmed
what I already knew:
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"I am so sorry, professor.
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If I had known it was you,
I would never have said those things."
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(Laughter)
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I wasn't a person to him
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until I was his professor.
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This concept, called objectification,
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is the foundation of sexism,
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and we see it reinforced
through every aspect of our lives.
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We see it in the government
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that refuses to punish men
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for raping women.
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We see it in advertisements.
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How many of you have seen
an advertisement
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that uses a women's breast to sell
and entirely unrelated product?
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Or movie after movie after movie
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that portrays women
as only love interests?
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These examples might seem
inconsequential and harmless,
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but they're insidious,
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slowly building into a culture
that refuses to see women as people.
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We see this in the school
that sends home a 10-year old girl
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because her clothes were a distraction
to boys trying to learn,
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or the government that refuses
to punish men for raping women
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over and over,
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or the woman who is killed because
she asked a man to stop grinding on her
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on the dance floor.
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Media plays a large role in perpetuating
the objectification of women.
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Let's consider the classic
romantic comedy.
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We're typically introduced
to two kinds of women
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in these movies,
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two kinds of desirable women, anyway.
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The first is the sexy bombshell.
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This is the unbelievably gorgeous woman
with the perfect body.
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Our leading man has no trouble
identifying her
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and even less trouble having sex with her.
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The second is our leading lady,
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the beautiful but demure woman
our leading man falls in love with
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despite not noticing her at first
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or not liking her if he did.
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The first is the slut.
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She is to be consumed and forgotten.
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She is much too available.
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The second is desirable but modest,
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and therefore worthy of our
leading man's future babies.
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Marriage material.
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We're actually told that women
have two roles,
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but these two roles have a difficult time
existing within the same woman.
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On the rare occasion that I share
with a new acquaintance
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that I study sex,
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if they don't end
the conversation right then,
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they're usually pretty intrigued.
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"Oh. Tell me more."
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So I do.
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"I'm really interested in studying
the sexual behaviors
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of pregnant and postpartum couples."
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At this point I get
a different kind of response.
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(Laughter)
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"Oh. Huh.
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Do pregnant people even have sex?
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Have you thought about
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studying sexual desire
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or orgasms?
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That would be interesting and sexy."
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Tell me. What are the first words
that come to mind
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when you picture a pregnant woman?
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I asked this question in a survey
of over 500 adults,
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and most responded with
belly or round and cute.
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This didn't surprise me too much.
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What else do we label as cute?
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Babies. Puppies. Kittens.
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The elderly. Right?
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(Laughter)
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When we label an adult as cute, though,
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we take away a lot of their intelligence,
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their complexity.
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We reduce them to childlike qualities.
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I also asked heterosexual men
to imagine a woman that they're
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partnered with is pregnant,
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and then asked women to imagine
that they are pregnant,
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and then tell me the first words
that come to mind
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when they imagine having sex.
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Most of the responses were negative.
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Gross.
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Awkward.
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Not sexy.
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Odd.
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Uncomfortable.
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How?
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(Laughter)
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Not worth the trouble.
Not worth the risk.
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That last one really stuck with me.
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We might think that because
we divorce pregnant women and moms
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from sexuality, we are removing
the constraints of sexual objectification.
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They experience less sexism. Right?
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Not exactly.
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What happens instead is a different
kind of objectification.
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In my efforts to explain this to others,
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one conversation led to
the Venus of Willendorf,
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a Paleolithic figurine scholars assumed
was a goddess of love and beauty,
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hence the name Venus.
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This theory was later revised, though,
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when scholars noted the sculptor's
obvious focus
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on the figurine's reproductive features:
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large breasts, considered
ideal for nursing;
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a round, possibly pregnant belly;
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the remnants of red dye,
alluding to menstruation or birth.
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They also assumed that she was
meant to be held or placed lying down
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because her tiny feet don't allow her
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to be standing.
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She also had no face.
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For this reason, it was assumed
that she was a representation of fertility
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and not a portrait of a person.
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She was an object.
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In the history of her interpretation,
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she went from object
of ideal beauty and love
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to object of reproduction.
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I think this transition speaks more
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about the scholars who have
interpreted her purpose
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than the actual purpose
of the figurine herself.
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When a woman becomes pregnant,
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she leaves the realm
of men's sexual desire
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and slides into her reproductive
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and child-rearing role.
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In doing so, she also becomes
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the property of the community,
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considered very important
but only because she's pregnant. Right?
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I've taken to calling this
the Willendorf effect,
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and once again we see it reinforced
in many aspects of her life.
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Has anyone here ever been
visibly pregnant?
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(Laughter)
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Yeah. That's me, right.
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So how many of you ever had
a stranger touch your belly
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during pregnancy,
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maybe without even asking
your permission first?
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Or told what you can and cannot eat
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by somebody who is not your doctor,
your medical care provider?
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Or asked private questions
about your birth plan?
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And then told why those choices
are all wrong?
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Yeah, me too.
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Or had a server refuse
to bring you a glass of wine?
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This one might give you pause, I know,
but stay with me.
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This is a huge secret.
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It is actually safe to drink
in moderation during pregnancy.
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Many of us don't know this
because doctors don't trust
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pregnant women with this secret --
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(Laughter)
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especially if she's less educated
or a woman of color.
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What this tells us is,
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this Willendorf effect,
it's also classist and racist.
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It's present when the government
reminds women with every new
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anti-choice bill that the contents
of her uterus are not her own,
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or when an OBGYN says, "while it's safe
to have sex during pregnancy,
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sometimes you never know.
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Better safe than sorry, right?"
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She's denied basic privacy
and bodily autonomy
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under the guise of "be a good mother."
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We don't trust her
to make her own decisions.
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She's cute, remember?
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When we tell women
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that sex isn't worth the risk
during pregnancy,
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what we're telling her is that
her sexual pleasure doesn't matter.
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So what we are telling her
is that she in fact doesn't matter,
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even though the needs of her fetus
are not at odds with her own needs.
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So medical providers such as
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the The American College
of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
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have the opportunity to educate
about the safety of sex during pregnancy.
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So what do the experts say?
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ACOG actually has no public
official statement
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about the safety of sex during pregnancy.
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Guidance from the Mayo Clinic
is generally positive
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but presented with a caveat:
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"Although most women can safely
have sex throughout prgenancy,
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sometimes it's best to be cautious."
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Some women don't want to have
sex during pregnancy,
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and that's okay.
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Some women do want to have
sex during pregnancy,
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and that's okay too.
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What needs to stop
is society telling women
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what they can and cannot do
with their bodies.
-
(Applause)
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Pregnant women are not faceless,
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identity-less vessels of reproduction
who can't stand on their own two feet.
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But the truth is, the real secret is,
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we tell all women that their
sexual pleasure doesn't matter.
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We refuse to even acknowledge
that women who have sex with women
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or women who don't
want children even exist.
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"Oh, it's just a phase."
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"She just needs the right man
to come along."
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Every time a women has sex
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simply because it feels good,
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it is revolutionary.
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She is revolutionary.
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She is pushing back against
society's insistence
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that she exist simply for men's pleasure
-
or for reproduction.
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A woman who prioritizes
her sexual needs is scary,
-
because a woman who prioritizes
her sexual needs prioritizes herself.
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(Applause)
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That is a woman demanding
that she be treated as an equal.
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That is a woman who insists
that you make room for her
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at the table of power,
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and that is the most terrifying of all,
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because we can't make room for her
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without some of us giving up
the extra space we hold.
-
(Applause)
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I have one last secret for you.
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I am the mother of two boys,
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and we could use your help.
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Even though my boys hear me say regularly
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that it's important for men
to recognize women as equals,
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and they see their father modeling this,
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we need what happens in the world
to reinforce what happens in our home.
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This is not a men's problem
or a women's problem.
-
This is everyone's problem,
-
and we all play a role in dismantling
systems of inequality.
-
For starters, we have got to stop
telling women what they can
-
and cannot do with their bodies.
-
(Applause)
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This includes not treating pregnant women
like community property.
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If you don't know her, don't even ask
to touch her belly.
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You wouldn't to anybody else.
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Don't tell her what she can
and cannot eat.
-
Don't ask her private details
about her medical decisions.
-
This also includes understanding that
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even if you are personally
against abortion,
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you can still fight for a woman's
right to choose.
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When it comes to women's equality,
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the two need not oppose one another.
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If you're somebody who has sex with women,
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prioritize her pleasure.
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If you don't know how, ask.
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If you have children --
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(Laughter) --
-
have conversations about sex
as early as possible,
-
because kids don't look up s-e-x
in the dictionary anymore.
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They look it up on the Internet,
-
and when you're having
those conversations about sex,
-
don't center them on reproduction only.
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People have sex for many reasons,
-
some because they want a baby,
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but most of us have sex
because it feels good. Admit it.
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And regardless of whether
you have children or not,
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support comprehensive sex education
-
that doesn't shame our teenagers.
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(Applause)
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Nothing positive comes from shaming teens
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for their sexual desires, behaviors,
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other than positive STD
and pregnancy tests.
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Every single day, we are all given
the opportunity
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to disrupt patterns of inequality.
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I think we can all agree
that it's worth the trouble to do so.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)