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The lies we tell pregnant women

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    I started kindergarten
    already being able to read,
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    a skill a classmate
    would quickly take advantage of.
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    He whispered to me in the library one day,
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    "Hey Sofia, can you look up the word sex?
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    I want to see what
    it says in the dictionary."
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    I had never heard of this word,
    so of course I was curious.
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    "Yeah. Okay."
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    My fingers slowly trailed down the page,
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    eagerly searching for the letters
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    s-e-x, s-e-x,
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    but before I could land
    on the desired word,
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    I felt a firm tap on my shoulder
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    and a stern gaze hovered over me.
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    Sat in the principal's office,
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    terrified yet unsure of my crime.
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    He leaned in close and said, gently,
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    "Now Sofia, why would a little girl
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    like yourself be concerned
    with a word like that?
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    I don't think your parents
    would be too happy to hear of it.
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    But since this is your first time in here,
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    I don't think they need to be told."
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    In that simple moment, he created
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    the first secret I would ever
    keep from my parents --
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    (Laughter) --
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    and a lifelong curiosity about
    this shameful word spelled s-e-x.
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    We're going to share
    a lot of secrets today, you and I,
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    and in doing so, I hope that we can lift
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    some of the shame many of us
    feel about sex.
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    How many here have ever been
    catcalled by a stranger?
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    Lots of women.
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    For me, the time I remember best
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    is when that stranger
    was a student of mine.
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    He came up to me after class that night
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    and his words confirmed
    what I already knew:
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    "I am so sorry, professor.
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    If I had known it was you,
    I would never have said those things."
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    (Laughter)
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    I wasn't a person to him
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    until I was his professor.
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    This concept, called objectification,
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    is the foundation of sexism,
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    and we see it reinforced
    through every aspect of our lives.
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    We see it in the government
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    that refuses to punish men
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    for raping women.
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    We see it in advertisements.
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    How many of you have seen
    an advertisement
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    that uses a women's breast to sell
    and entirely unrelated product?
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    Or movie after movie after movie
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    that portrays women
    as only love interests?
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    These examples might seem
    inconsequential and harmless,
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    but they're insidious,
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    slowly building into a culture
    that refuses to see women as people.
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    We see this in the school
    that sends home a 10-year old girl
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    because her clothes were a distraction
    to boys trying to learn,
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    or the government that refuses
    to punish men for raping women
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    over and over,
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    or the woman who is killed because
    she asked a man to stop grinding on her
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    on the dance floor.
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    Media plays a large role in perpetuating
    the objectification of women.
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    Let's consider the classic
    romantic comedy.
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    We're typically introduced
    to two kinds of women
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    in these movies,
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    two kinds of desirable women, anyway.
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    The first is the sexy bombshell.
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    This is the unbelievably gorgeous woman
    with the perfect body.
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    Our leading man has no trouble
    identifying her
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    and even less trouble having sex with her.
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    The second is our leading lady,
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    the beautiful but demure woman
    our leading man falls in love with
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    despite not noticing her at first
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    or not liking her if he did.
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    The first is the slut.
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    She is to be consumed and forgotten.
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    She is much too available.
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    The second is desirable but modest,
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    and therefore worthy of our
    leading man's future babies.
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    Marriage material.
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    We're actually told that women
    have two roles,
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    but these two roles have a difficult time
    existing within the same woman.
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    On the rare occasion that I share
    with a new acquaintance
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    that I study sex,
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    if they don't end
    the conversation right then,
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    they're usually pretty intrigued.
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    "Oh. Tell me more."
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    So I do.
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    "I'm really interested in studying
    the sexual behaviors
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    of pregnant and postpartum couples."
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    At this point I get
    a different kind of response.
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    (Laughter)
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    "Oh. Huh.
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    Do pregnant people even have sex?
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    Have you thought about
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    studying sexual desire
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    or orgasms?
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    That would be interesting and sexy."
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    Tell me. What are the first words
    that come to mind
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    when you picture a pregnant woman?
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    I asked this question in a survey
    of over 500 adults,
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    and most responded with
    belly or round and cute.
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    This didn't surprise me too much.
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    What else do we label as cute?
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    Babies. Puppies. Kittens.
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    The elderly. Right?
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    (Laughter)
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    When we label an adult as cute, though,
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    we take away a lot of their intelligence,
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    their complexity.
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    We reduce them to childlike qualities.
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    I also asked heterosexual men
    to imagine a woman that they're
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    partnered with is pregnant,
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    and then asked women to imagine
    that they are pregnant,
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    and then tell me the first words
    that come to mind
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    when they imagine having sex.
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    Most of the responses were negative.
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    Gross.
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    Awkward.
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    Not sexy.
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    Odd.
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    Uncomfortable.
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    How?
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    (Laughter)
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    Not worth the trouble.
    Not worth the risk.
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    That last one really stuck with me.
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    We might think that because
    we divorce pregnant women and moms
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    from sexuality, we are removing
    the constraints of sexual objectification.
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    They experience less sexism. Right?
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    Not exactly.
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    What happens instead is a different
    kind of objectification.
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    In my efforts to explain this to others,
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    one conversation led to
    the Venus of Willendorf,
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    a Paleolithic figurine scholars assumed
    was a goddess of love and beauty,
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    hence the name Venus.
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    This theory was later revised, though,
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    when scholars noted the sculptor's
    obvious focus
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    on the figurine's reproductive features:
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    large breasts, considered
    ideal for nursing;
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    a round, possibly pregnant belly;
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    the remnants of red dye,
    alluding to menstruation or birth.
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    They also assumed that she was
    meant to be held or placed lying down
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    because her tiny feet don't allow her
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    to be standing.
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    She also had no face.
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    For this reason, it was assumed
    that she was a representation of fertility
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    and not a portrait of a person.
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    She was an object.
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    In the history of her interpretation,
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    she went from object
    of ideal beauty and love
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    to object of reproduction.
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    I think this transition speaks more
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    about the scholars who have
    interpreted her purpose
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    than the actual purpose
    of the figurine herself.
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    When a woman becomes pregnant,
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    she leaves the realm
    of men's sexual desire
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    and slides into her reproductive
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    and child-rearing role.
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    In doing so, she also becomes
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    the property of the community,
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    considered very important
    but only because she's pregnant. Right?
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    I've taken to calling this
    the Willendorf effect,
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    and once again we see it reinforced
    in many aspects of her life.
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    Has anyone here ever been
    visibly pregnant?
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    (Laughter)
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    Yeah. That's me, right.
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    So how many of you ever had
    a stranger touch your belly
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    during pregnancy,
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    maybe without even asking
    your permission first?
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    Or told what you can and cannot eat
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    by somebody who is not your doctor,
    your medical care provider?
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    Or asked private questions
    about your birth plan?
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    And then told why those choices
    are all wrong?
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    Yeah, me too.
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    Or had a server refuse
    to bring you a glass of wine?
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    This one might give you pause, I know,
    but stay with me.
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    This is a huge secret.
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    It is actually safe to drink
    in moderation during pregnancy.
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    Many of us don't know this
    because doctors don't trust
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    pregnant women with this secret --
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    (Laughter)
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    especially if she's less educated
    or a woman of color.
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    What this tells us is,
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    this Willendorf effect,
    it's also classist and racist.
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    It's present when the government
    reminds women with every new
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    anti-choice bill that the contents
    of her uterus are not her own,
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    or when an OBGYN says, "while it's safe
    to have sex during pregnancy,
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    sometimes you never know.
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    Better safe than sorry, right?"
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    She's denied basic privacy
    and bodily autonomy
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    under the guise of "be a good mother."
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    We don't trust her
    to make her own decisions.
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    She's cute, remember?
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    When we tell women
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    that sex isn't worth the risk
    during pregnancy,
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    what we're telling her is that
    her sexual pleasure doesn't matter.
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    So what we are telling her
    is that she in fact doesn't matter,
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    even though the needs of her fetus
    are not at odds with her own needs.
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    So medical providers such as
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    the The American College
    of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
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    have the opportunity to educate
    about the safety of sex during pregnancy.
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    So what do the experts say?
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    ACOG actually has no public
    official statement
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    about the safety of sex during pregnancy.
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    Guidance from the Mayo Clinic
    is generally positive
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    but presented with a caveat:
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    "Although most women can safely
    have sex throughout prgenancy,
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    sometimes it's best to be cautious."
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    Some women don't want to have
    sex during pregnancy,
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    and that's okay.
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    Some women do want to have
    sex during pregnancy,
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    and that's okay too.
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    What needs to stop
    is society telling women
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    what they can and cannot do
    with their bodies.
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    (Applause)
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    Pregnant women are not faceless,
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    identity-less vessels of reproduction
    who can't stand on their own two feet.
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    But the truth is, the real secret is,
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    we tell all women that their
    sexual pleasure doesn't matter.
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    We refuse to even acknowledge
    that women who have sex with women
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    or women who don't
    want children even exist.
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    "Oh, it's just a phase."
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    "She just needs the right man
    to come along."
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    Every time a women has sex
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    simply because it feels good,
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    it is revolutionary.
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    She is revolutionary.
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    She is pushing back against
    society's insistence
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    that she exist simply for men's pleasure
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    or for reproduction.
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    A woman who prioritizes
    her sexual needs is scary,
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    because a woman who prioritizes
    her sexual needs prioritizes herself.
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    (Applause)
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    That is a woman demanding
    that she be treated as an equal.
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    That is a woman who insists
    that you make room for her
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    at the table of power,
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    and that is the most terrifying of all,
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    because we can't make room for her
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    without some of us giving up
    the extra space we hold.
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    (Applause)
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    I have one last secret for you.
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    I am the mother of two boys,
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    and we could use your help.
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    Even though my boys hear me say regularly
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    that it's important for men
    to recognize women as equals,
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    and they see their father modeling this,
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    we need what happens in the world
    to reinforce what happens in our home.
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    This is not a men's problem
    or a women's problem.
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    This is everyone's problem,
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    and we all play a role in dismantling
    systems of inequality.
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    For starters, we have got to stop
    telling women what they can
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    and cannot do with their bodies.
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    (Applause)
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    This includes not treating pregnant women
    like community property.
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    If you don't know her, don't even ask
    to touch her belly.
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    You wouldn't to anybody else.
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    Don't tell her what she can
    and cannot eat.
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    Don't ask her private details
    about her medical decisions.
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    This also includes understanding that
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    even if you are personally
    against abortion,
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    you can still fight for a woman's
    right to choose.
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    When it comes to women's equality,
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    the two need not oppose one another.
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    If you're somebody who has sex with women,
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    prioritize her pleasure.
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    If you don't know how, ask.
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    If you have children --
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    (Laughter) --
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    have conversations about sex
    as early as possible,
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    because kids don't look up s-e-x
    in the dictionary anymore.
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    They look it up on the Internet,
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    and when you're having
    those conversations about sex,
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    don't center them on reproduction only.
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    People have sex for many reasons,
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    some because they want a baby,
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    but most of us have sex
    because it feels good. Admit it.
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    And regardless of whether
    you have children or not,
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    support comprehensive sex education
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    that doesn't shame our teenagers.
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    (Applause)
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    Nothing positive comes from shaming teens
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    for their sexual desires, behaviors,
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    other than positive STD
    and pregnancy tests.
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    Every single day, we are all given
    the opportunity
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    to disrupt patterns of inequality.
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    I think we can all agree
    that it's worth the trouble to do so.
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    Thank you.
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    (Applause)
Title:
The lies we tell pregnant women
Speaker:
Sofia Jawed-Wessel
Description:

more » « less
Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDTalks
Duration:
14:56

English subtitles

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