Louis CK - Suck a Bag of Dicks

Louis CK - Suck a Bag of Dicks

Hey this is interesting, the other day a guy told me to suck a bag of dicks.

That was interesting. I never heard that before.

Total stranger told me to suck a bag of dicks.

A whole bag of 'em!

He was angry. He didn't just "Suck a bag of dicks!" like a greeting, you know...

"Oh, suck a bag of dicks to you too, sir, thank you very much."

It's a lovely day for sucking several bags of dicks.

No, what happened was, I cut him off in traffic. It was one of those things where...I had to get in,

and no one was in my car to judge me...and I just fuckin' you know, I just decided, "He's not ME, so

I don't care what happens to him." And I just cut him off. A shitty thing to do. And it was bad because

he was coming fast, cuz he didn't imagine in a million years that someone would be that big of an asshole.

So when I did it, he had to slam on his brakes and his dog went PFFF in the windshield, it was really

very bad...very bad.

And the worst part is when you cut people off, they don't vanish, they're behind you now.

So...looking back, and he's like FUCKING ASS, he's so mad! and he keeps trying to get next to me,

because he just wants to see my fucking face, he's dying, he's like, "I gotta see this cocksucker now.

I've got to see the fucking face of this piece of shit that just did that to me."

And I keep cutting him off, because I don't want him to see. I'm ashamed of what I did.

No...nope you don't.

Finally, we get to a red light, and I've got to face him. Only because there's a car in front of me,

otherwise I would have fucking blown right through there. But there he is, just fucking RAAAAAH, furious.

And I'm like, I know, it was awful! I shouldn't have done it. I'm not mad, I was wrong. Why

would I be mad? And he's like, "Fuck you!" and then he starts going like this, cuz he wants me to roll

my window down, like I'm supposed to take part in my own abuse during this argument? "Oh, I'm sorry,

I don't want to miss this, what do you have to say about me? Yes, How rude of me to shut out your anger

with my..." So I did. I rolled it down, I'm interested.

And he goes, "Hey Asshole!"

And I'm like, "Yeah."

He says, "Suck a bag of dicks!"

And then he drove away!

And I was kind of sad that he drove away, because I had a lot of questions.

That concept of sucking a bag of dicks...just weird. Like first of all, when you picture a bag of dicks,

What do you see, when you picture a bag of dicks?

Is it like a plastic bag and they're all mushing together like chicken parts,

with a date written on it with Sharpie? Keep it in the freezer.

Or is it like a paper bag, and they're sticking out like baguettes? Kinda like, you went shopping...

bringing home a bag of dicks for the kids.

Here you go Susie, take a blue one.

They were hanging in a window somewhere..."Give me two of those."

And how do you suck a bag of dicks. What does he want me to do? Does he want me to take a bag of dicks

and suck it? Like suck the side of the bag? Or does he want me to open the bag and suck each dick individually?

Throw the used ones in a bowl like edamame shells? Like that? [slurp slurp slurp]

Do I have to make them all cum? You know, like... how...

I don't know, I've never even sucked one dick, so it's not an area that I understand.

I've never, never sucked a dick. Isn't that weird? I've never sucked a dick. My whole life.

That's weird to me.

It is! It's weird. Because almost everybody has sucked a dick, when you think about it, most people

on earth suck dicks. It's true. Because 51% of the population are women. And they suck dicks.

Then there's all the gay guys that suck dicks. Then there's all the straight guys who have been forced

to suck a dick under various circumstances.

So...what...there's only like a thousand of us out there who...

...never blew anyone!

Bunch of selfish assholes that are fuckin' getting blown, and not blowing back, you know.

It's like, that's what people do, we all fucking suck dicks, and I haven't done it.

I don't have like, a big reason not to either. I don't have a policy against sucking a dick.

It's not something I'm against doing...I just...have never seen a dick I wanted to suck.

That's really what it comes down to. I've never seen a penis that inspired me to suck it.

Every dick I've ever seen bummed has me out.

I hate em! I hate em. They ruin my day when I see them.

But that's just so far!

I mean, what the fuck do I know? There might...This guy right here might have a BEAUTIFUL dick. This guy...if I saw

his dick, I might go, oh, fuck, that shit's going in my mouth right now. And I'd just fuckin'...and I'd

have to blow him. Fuckin' hold him down and blow him.

That's the kind of...I would like, rape-blow people. That's what...I would like, hold the guy down and

blow him, just to spite him. That's the kind of shit I would do. Just to...you know.

I'm just saying, I'm not prejudiced. I haven't seen that many. There's billions - literally billions

of dicks in the world - and I've seen like 40 at the most, so how the fuck would I know.

Wait - is that too many? Yeah, that's too many right?

40, Jesus Christ. I'm only 39. That's a dick a year, plus another one. Why am I saying 40?!

That's a lot.

That's like 2 bags of dicks right there, at least. 40 dicks?!

Alright.