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Ten…
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Nine...
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Eight...
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Seven...
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Six...
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Five...
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Four...
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Three..
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Two...
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One...
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All: Happy New Year!
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The Meaty One: You’re all murderers!
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The Nerdy One: Well that was... unexpected.
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The Activist One: You ruined my protest!
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The Girlie One: Thanks for hosting the
party. I don’t think I’ve ever seen your place before
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The Jockish One: Yeah, I don’t entertain
much, and don’t usually never go all the way out for
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holiday decorations, but I decided to challenge
myself this year...
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The Girlie One: Hey you guys. So, I was thinking…what
if we did like a group New Years resolution?
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Wouldn't that be fun?
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The Nerdish One: Well, it depends on what
you are proposing that we do.
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The Girlie One: Well, I was thinking, maybe together we could go on
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The Activist One: Well, I have an idea that
would make a huge impact on the whole world.
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The Jockish One: Here it comes…the newest
“cause of the week,” am I right?
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Anyone?
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The Activist One: C’mon guys, this is serious.
Like life-changing, life-saving serious.
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What if…we all…go vegan!?
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The Jockish One: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what now?
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The Activist One: Just hear me out, OK?…............
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....can prevent
obesity and erectile dysfunction
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The Jockish One: Huh? Ahh!
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...........of deforestation and water usage. I mean, there's all kinds of statistics
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and graphs and facts and charts and data points and footnotes!
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...........................and think of the baby animals! Look, a teacup pig in rain boots!
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The Girly One: Awwwwweee!
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The Meaty One: ALRIGHT ALREADY, WE’LL DO
IT!!!
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All [except ribs-eater]:
Three…Two…One… Happy New Year!
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The Meaty One: You’re all murderers!
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The Jockish One: I knew this would happen! I’m definitely
weaker. And...
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I’ve lost muscle mass!
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I'm out!
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Come at me, bro! Come at me. Come at me That’s what I thought! That's what I thought!
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The Girlie One: Well I’m excited about getting
back into shape. With fresh, whole foods!
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… I’m fat.
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The Activist One: Ugh, you guys are so selfish!
That’s why you have to be in it for something
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more than yourself! When you think about the
animals and the environment…
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The Jockish One: Does no one else see that?
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The Activist One: …going vegan is easy!
And because I also care about my health, I’m
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going fully raw, fully organic vegan with
a one-month transition period to an exclusive
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diet of wheatgrass juice and coffee enemas!...
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Do you even know what kind of vitamins are in raw Brussels sprouts?
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Ugh, no, no, nope, I can't do it, I can't.
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I can't eat this way, that is just eh, that is too restrictive.
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And I mean, come on. Who can really afford daily coffee enemas, right?
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I mean, Veganism is just another form....
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of oppression!
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The Nerdish One:You poor little, week, ignorant &#@$%.
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The Activist One: Not cool.
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The Nerdish One:…This is why I always say
that coming to a decision based on facts and
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logic is the only way to stay grounded and
follow through with your convictions.
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That’s why I’ve outlasted all of you.
You see, I didn’t go vegan for health because “vegan”
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only described what you’re not eating, so
you can still be incredibly unhealthy.
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The Jockish One: Oh god! My body is already
out of b12!
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The Nerdish One: Plus…
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The Jockish One: I look pale, don’t I look
pale?
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The Nerdish One: there’s the tendency with
any change
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The Jockish One: Definitely iron-deficient.
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The Nerdish One: to start self-diagnosing…
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The Jockish One: I think it’s my blood type.
I’m so tired.
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The Nerdish One: ….and I didn’t tie my
decision to pure emotion for the animals or
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romanticism for the environment, because feelings
are in constant fluctuation…
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The Girlie One: O. M. G.! Those little pigs
get FAT!!!
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It's gross.
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The Nerdish One: Nor did I rely on selective
morality or subjective ethics because that’s
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a slippery slope.
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The Activist One: I found a local farmers
market you see, that’s what we need to do,
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you guys! Support small farms, get back to the land and
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the way we used to treat animals! Back when we knew every one of them by name, and they trusted
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us right up till their slaughter.
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The Jockish One: Seriously?
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The Nerdish One: So…I’ve taken an objective
look at the available data, watched a few speeches
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The Jockish One: I can’t live like this!
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The Nerdish One:…and find the environmental,
health and ethical arguments compelling and
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and completely in line not only with the values
espoused by the vast majority of our species,
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including the touchy area of justice,
and the potentially overly emotional instinct to protect
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the innocent, but also logically sound,
even after correcting for manipulated, partial
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or outdated data, and blatant falsehoods.
Veganism remains....
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the sensible, rational choice.
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…boo, nerd alert, lame, not funny!..
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The Jockish One: Go home!
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The Activist One: You suck!
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The Activist One: Hey guys, how do you know
if someone at the party is vegan?
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Don't worry, they’ll tell you!
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The Nerdish One: This was your idea
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The Activist One: Stop co-opting my activism!
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The Nerdish One: What?
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The Activist One: What?
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The Nerdish One: What?
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The Activist One: What?
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The Nerdish One: What?
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The Activist One: What?
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The Nerdish One: What?
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The Activist One: What?
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The Nerdish One: Wait!
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The Nerdish One: Wh—Wait, we did save him
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The Activist One: Did we?
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The Nerdish One: What?
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The Activist One: What?
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The Nerdish One: What?
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The Activist One: What?
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The Nerdish One: Wh—Forget it, I’m out. I'm out
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I'm out.
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The Activist One: Yeah, that's probably best.
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The Activist One: That’s probably best.
