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When I was three years old,
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I was transracially adopted
from South Korea
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by a white family in Salt Lake City, Utah.
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I arrived in America
with a mysterious tattoo
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on my left forearm.
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The tattoo was so large and noticeable
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that my adopted parents
had it surgically removed right away.
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They were worried that other kids
would make fun of it.
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Today, there's only a light scar
where the tattoo once was,
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so I've redrawn it in permanent marker
so you can see what it looked like.
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Korean adoption records in 1976
were notoriously incomplete.
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I didn't have any information
about my background
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or my birth family.
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I didn't even know if my name or birthdate
were real or if they were assigned.
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And no one knew what my tattoo meant.
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Transracial adoption is where a child
from one race or ethnicity
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is adopted by parents
from a different race or ethnicity.
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In my generation, children
who were adopted from Korea
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were assimilated into the culture
of their adoptive parents,
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so I was raised as if I were white.
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Growing up, occasionally my family
would eat at a Korean restaurant,
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or we would go to the Asian festival,
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but I did not identify with being Asian.
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Looking back now,
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having my tattoo removed is symbolic
of losing my connection
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with my Korean ethnicity and culture.
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And I am not alone: since the 1950s,
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almost 200,000 Korean children
have been adopted all over the world.
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A growing body of research shows
that children experience trauma
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when they're separated
from their families of origin.
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My story includes such childhood trauma.
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I recently found out that my birth mother
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left my family shortly after I was born.
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When I was two years old,
my birth father became injured
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and could not provide
for my brothers and me,
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and so my two older brothers and I
were sent to children welfare services,
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and there someone decided,
because I was younger,
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that I was more adoptable.
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And so I was sent to a separate orphanage,
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separated from my brothers
who cared for me.
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My adoption records say
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that I wouldn't play with any
of the other children at the orphanage,
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and now I know why.
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My adoption photos show the picture
of a frightened, malnourished little girl.
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Just imagine my culture shock
a short a lonely nine months later,
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as I arrived in America,
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where everything was different:
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the people, the buildings,
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the food and the clothing.
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As a three-year old child,
I quickly figured out
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that no one spoke
the Korean language that I spoke,
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and so I stopped speaking
altogether for six months.
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And when I started speaking again,
it was in full English.
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One of the first phrases I said
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as my parents showed me
my orphanage photos
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was, "Sara sad."
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Children who are adopted
often put up emotional walls
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to protect themselves
from being hurt again.
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I certainly did this,
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and like many transracially
adopted children,
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there were many moments growing up
where I wished that I was white
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like the other kids around me.
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Other kids made fun of my eyes and nose.
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Now, the '80s styles were
particularly brutal to me
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with glasses that didn't fit well,
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hairstyles (Laughter)
that looked ridiculous on me.
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This narrative of adoption might be
uncomfortable for you to hear.
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The narrative that we usually hear
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is that of a new parent
who is eagerly awaiting
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a child that they've been
wanting for so long.
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The parent's story is told with love,
joy and excitement,
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and as they bring a newly adopted
child into their home,
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family and friends celebrate
and congratulate the parents
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on their wonderful decision to adopt.
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My parents' adoption story was like
a beautiful blanket that kept me warm,
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but after a while it felt like
the focus was more on the blanket,
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covering me and my point of view entirely.
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I couldn't emotionally breathe.
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My parents would say things to me like,
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"I fell in love with you
the first time I saw your photo."
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My heart broke.
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They loved me, I know that,
and I was wanted,
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but I wish that the only birth story I had
wasn't so sad, so humanitarian.
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I would often confuse love with gratitude,
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especially when other people
would say things to me like,
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"You're so lucky
to be adopted to America,"
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or, "Your parents
are such angels to adopt you."
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To a child, it felt like these comments
were constant reminders to be grateful
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to my parents' charity.
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I resented that I
couldn't tell these adults,
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I don't like being reminded
all the time that I'm adopted.
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I just want to be a normal kid,
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and maybe even be ungrateful
once in a while.
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But I learned to smile
without really smiling,
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and as I grew older
I wanted to be able to say,
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Sara is still sad.
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But I buried my feelings,
and I wasn't until later in life
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that I realized I'd never
really grieved my own adoption.
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While many of us understand
that adopting a child
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from a different race, culture
or country is never simple,
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we rarely acknowledge the complex emotions
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that children who are adopted
can experience.
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Some children experience feelings of loss,
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feelings of rejection,
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grief, shame,
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guilt, challenges with identity,
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difficulty with intimacy,
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and control issues.
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Just ask my kids.
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Children who are adopted
can still love their adoptive parents
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at the same time as experiencing
these complex emotions,
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and many of us wonder,
if we had had safe emotional spaces
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to own our own stories
when we were younger,
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would we still be struggling
to come to terms
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with adoption as adults?
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Where do we find the emotional oxygen
to own our own stories?
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Since the late 1990s and early 2000s,
researchers like Dr. Richard Lee
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have focused on different
parenting techniques
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for transracial adoption.
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The hope is to help children
and their adoptive parents
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better adapt to their unique racial
and ethnic circumstances.
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There's more inculturation encouraged,
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that exposes children to the people,
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places, languages and culture
of their birth families.
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Some parents focus on racial inculcation
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to specifically work with their children
on the racism and discrimination
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that they will experience
outside of the home.
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And some parents allow children
to choose as they get older
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the level of exposure to the culture
of their birth families.
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Now, we might look
at these signs of progress
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and think we've got it all figured out
when it comes to transracial adoption.
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The Korean adoptees were the first
massive wave of international adoptions,
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almost 30 years earlier
than most other countries,
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and so there are entire generations
of Korean adoptees
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from children
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all the way to adults in their 70s
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dealing with the impact
of their assimilation,
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and there have only been
a handful of studies
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that follow transracial adoptees
over a lifetime.
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I know that people around me
could not understand my adoption grief.
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Rachel Rostad, another Korean adoptee,
expressed what I was feeling
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when she said,
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"Loss is especially confusing to measure
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when it appears as if
I haven't lost anything at all.
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It's missing like an organ.
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It's missing like wherever dreams go
when you blink awake
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into the morning light."
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Every year, hundreds
of South Korean adoptees
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search for their birth families,
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and Korean agencies report
that less than 15 percent are successful.
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Last year, I found my Korean birth family
in just three months.
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I posted a photo of
my redrawn tattoo on social media,
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which Korean groups generously shared,
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and a friend of my brother saw the photo
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and he knew instantly
what the tattoo meant.
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When my father decided to send us
to children welfare centers,
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he was worried that we would be separated
and even adopted into foreign countries,
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and so he took the unusual step
to place a large tattoo
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on each of our arms,
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and on his own,
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so that we could find each other someday.
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And he tried searching for me.
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And he was right.
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The tattoo did eventually lead me
to find the family that I had lost.
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Unfortunately, he passed away nine years
before he could see his children reunited.
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But last year, I traveled to Korea
to meet my two older brothers,
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my aunt and uncle,
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and I learned a lot
of new things about myself,
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including my real birthdate,
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which actually makes me seven months older.
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(Laughter)
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This middle aged woman
did not love hearing that she is older.
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(Laughter)
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And that explains all those gifted
and talented classes I had in school.
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(Laughter)
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But the most important
thing that I learned
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was that I had a loving family in Korea
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who remembered me as a little baby
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and had never forgotten me.
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I wasn't abandoned,
like my adoption records said.
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I was wanted.
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It's time to reframe
our views on adoption.
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A health adoption ecosystem
is one in which children,
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adopted families and birth families
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each own their unique stories.
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When these narratives
are placed side by side,
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it creates better empathy and policies
for the lives that adoption impacts.
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Here are two things that adults can do
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to better protect
adopted children's stories.
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First, give children safe emotional spaces
to express their emotions,
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both positive and negative.
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Phrases such as "tell me more,"
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"what do you wish for,"
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and "those feelings are normal"
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are ways that parents can grant
emotional oxygen to their children.
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Second, validate a child's adoption story.
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Children may express emotions
that may feel hurtful
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or worry an adoptive parent.
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As a parent, work to hold
and manage your fears
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separately from your child.
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Always acknowledge your child's story
as valid and important.
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Now, it's natural to want
to protect children
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from experiencing pain,
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but my tattoo is a poignant reminder
that every adoption starts with loss,
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and every child is affected differently.
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Children who are adopted
can live full, rich lives
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as we accept and build upon
this unique set of cards that were dealt.
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And as you listen
to our narratives with empathy,
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you will hear other things as well:
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childlike curiosity,
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grace, resilience,
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courage, love,
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and yes, even gratitude.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)