WEBVTT

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When I was three years old,

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I was transracially adopted
from South Korea

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by a white family in Salt Lake City, Utah.

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I arrived in America
with a mysterious tattoo

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on my left forearm.

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The tattoo was so large and noticeable

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that my adopted parents
had it surgically removed right away.

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They were worried that other kids
would make fun of it.

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Today, there's only a light scar
where the tattoo once was,

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so I've redrawn it in permanent marker
so you can see what it looked like.

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Korean adoption records in 1976
were notoriously incomplete.

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I didn't have any information
about my background

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or my birth family.

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I didn't even know if my name or birthdate
were real or if they were assigned.

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And no one knew what my tattoo meant.

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Transracial adoption is where a child
from one race or ethnicity

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is adopted by parents
from a different race or ethnicity.

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In my generation, children
who were adopted from Korea

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were assimilated into the culture
of their adoptive parents,

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so I was raised as if I were white.

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Growing up, occasionally my family
would eat at a Korean restaurant,

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or we would go to the Asian festival,

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but I did not identify with being Asian.

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Looking back now,

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having my tattoo removed is symbolic
of losing my connection

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with my Korean ethnicity and culture.

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And I am not alone: since the 1950s,

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almost 200,000 Korean children
have been adopted all over the world.

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A growing body of research shows
that children experience trauma

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when they're separated
from their families of origin.

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My story includes such childhood trauma.

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I recently found out that my birth mother

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left my family shortly after I was born.

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When I was two years old,
my birth father became injured

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and could not provide
for my brothers and me,

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and so my two older brothers and I
were sent to children welfare services,

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and there someone decided,
because I was younger,

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that I was more adoptable.

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And so I was sent to a separate orphanage,

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separated from my brothers
who cared for me.

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My adoption records say

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that I wouldn't play with any
of the other children at the orphanage,

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and now I know why.

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My adoption photos show the picture
of a frightened, malnourished little girl.

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Just imagine my culture shock
a short a lonely nine months later,

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as I arrived in America,

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where everything was different:

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the people, the buildings,

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the food and the clothing.

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As a three-year old child,
I quickly figured out

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that no one spoke
the Korean language that I spoke,

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and so I stopped speaking
altogether for six months.

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And when I started speaking again,
it was in full English.

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One of the first phrases I said

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as my parents showed me
my orphanage photos

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was, "Sara sad."

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Children who are adopted
often put up emotional walls

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to protect themselves
from being hurt again.

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I certainly did this,

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and like many transracially
adopted children,

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there were many moments growing up
where I wished that I was white

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like the other kids around me.

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Other kids made fun of my eyes and nose.

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Now, the '80s styles were
particularly brutal to me

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with glasses that didn't fit well,

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hairstyles (Laughter)
that looked ridiculous on me.

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This narrative of adoption might be
uncomfortable for you to hear.

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The narrative that we usually hear

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is that of a new parent
who is eagerly awaiting

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a child that they've been
wanting for so long.

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The parent's story is told with love,
joy and excitement,

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and as they bring a newly adopted
child into their home,

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family and friends celebrate
and congratulate the parents

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on their wonderful decision to adopt.

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My parents' adoption story was like
a beautiful blanket that kept me warm,

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but after a while it felt like
the focus was more on the blanket,

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covering me and my point of view entirely.

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I couldn't emotionally breathe.

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My parents would say things to me like,

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"I fell in love with you
the first time I saw your photo."

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My heart broke.

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They loved me, I know that,
and I was wanted,

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but I wish that the only birth story I had
wasn't so sad, so humanitarian.

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I would often confuse love with gratitude,

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especially when other people
would say things to me like,

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"You're so lucky
to be adopted to America,"

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or, "Your parents
are such angels to adopt you."

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To a child, it felt like these comments
were constant reminders to be grateful

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to my parents' charity.

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I resented that I
couldn't tell these adults,

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I don't like being reminded
all the time that I'm adopted.

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I just want to be a normal kid,

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and maybe even be ungrateful
once in a while.

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But I learned to smile
without really smiling,

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and as I grew older
I wanted to be able to say,

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Sara is still sad.

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But I buried my feelings,
and I wasn't until later in life

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that I realized I'd never
really grieved my own adoption.

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While many of us understand
that adopting a child

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from a different race, culture
or country is never simple,

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we rarely acknowledge the complex emotions

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that children who are adopted
can experience.

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Some children experience feelings of loss,

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feelings of rejection,

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grief, shame,

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guilt, challenges with identity,

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difficulty with intimacy,

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and control issues.

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Just ask my kids.

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Children who are adopted
can still love their adoptive parents

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at the same time as experiencing
these complex emotions,

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and many of us wonder,
if we had had safe emotional spaces

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to own our own stories
when we were younger,

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would we still be struggling
to come to terms

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with adoption as adults?

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Where do we find the emotional oxygen
to own our own stories?

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Since the late 1990s and early 2000s,
researchers like Dr. Richard Lee

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have focused on different
parenting techniques

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for transracial adoption.

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The hope is to help children
and their adoptive parents

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better adapt to their unique racial
and ethnic circumstances.

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There's more inculturation encouraged,

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that exposes children to the people,

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places, languages and culture
of their birth families.

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Some parents focus on racial inculcation

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to specifically work with their children
on the racism and discrimination

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that they will experience
outside of the home.

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And some parents allow children
to choose as they get older

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the level of exposure to the culture
of their birth families.

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Now, we might look
at these signs of progress

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and think we've got it all figured out
when it comes to transracial adoption.

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The Korean adoptees were the first
massive wave of international adoptions,

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almost 30 years earlier
than most other countries,

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and so there are entire generations
of Korean adoptees

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from children

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all the way to adults in their 70s

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dealing with the impact
of their assimilation,

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and there have only been
a handful of studies

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that follow transracial adoptees
over a lifetime.

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I know that people around me
could not understand my adoption grief.

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Rachel Rostad, another Korean adoptee,
expressed what I was feeling

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when she said,

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"Loss is especially confusing to measure

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when it appears as if
I haven't lost anything at all.

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It's missing like an organ.

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It's missing like wherever dreams go
when you blink awake

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into the morning light."

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Every year, hundreds
of South Korean adoptees

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search for their birth families,

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and Korean agencies report
that less than 15 percent are successful.

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Last year, I found my Korean birth family
in just three months.

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I posted a photo of
my redrawn tattoo on social media,

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which Korean groups generously shared,

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and a friend of my brother saw the photo

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and he knew instantly
what the tattoo meant.

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When my father decided to send us
to children welfare centers,

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he was worried that we would be separated
and even adopted into foreign countries,

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and so he took the unusual step
to place a large tattoo

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on each of our arms,

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and on his own,

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so that we could find each other someday.

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And he tried searching for me.

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And he was right.

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The tattoo did eventually lead me
to find the family that I had lost.

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Unfortunately, he passed away nine years
before he could see his children reunited.

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But last year, I traveled to Korea
to meet my two older brothers,

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my aunt and uncle,

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and I learned a lot
of new things about myself,

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including my real birthdate,

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which actually makes me seven months older.

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(Laughter)

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This middle aged woman
did not love hearing that she is older.

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(Laughter)

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And that explains all those gifted
and talented classes I had in school.

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(Laughter)

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But the most important
thing that I learned

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was that I had a loving family in Korea

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who remembered me as a little baby

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and had never forgotten me.

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I wasn't abandoned,
like my adoption records said.

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I was wanted.

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It's time to reframe
our views on adoption.

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A health adoption ecosystem
is one in which children,

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adopted families and birth families

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each own their unique stories.

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When these narratives
are placed side by side,

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it creates better empathy and policies
for the lives that adoption impacts.

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Here are two things that adults can do

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to better protect
adopted children's stories.

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First, give children safe emotional spaces
to express their emotions,

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both positive and negative.

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Phrases such as "tell me more,"

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"what do you wish for,"

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and "those feelings are normal"

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are ways that parents can grant
emotional oxygen to their children.

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Second, validate a child's adoption story.

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Children may express emotions
that may feel hurtful

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or worry an adoptive parent.

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As a parent, work to hold
and manage your fears

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separately from your child.

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Always acknowledge your child's story
as valid and important.

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Now, it's natural to want
to protect children

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from experiencing pain,

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but my tattoo is a poignant reminder
that every adoption starts with loss,

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and every child is affected differently.

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Children who are adopted
can live full, rich lives

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as we accept and build upon
this unique set of cards that were dealt.

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And as you listen
to our narratives with empathy,

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you will hear other things as well:

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childlike curiosity,

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grace, resilience,

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courage, love,

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and yes, even gratitude.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)