Why I Don't Want Kids

(slow, yet intense piano music)

Oh my god! (screams)

Jesus f--- Christ

(Sound of water bottle opening)

(Sound of water hitting face)

(heavy breathing)

Here we go (clears throat)

Hi. I'm Dan and welcome back--

Yeah, that shirt's going to be a problem.

Why?

Oh, cause the--
f---

Is it that bad? You can't see the-

Piss. Ok, um..

This is the first time I've worn
this shirt.

I was gonna do something
cute here.

It's kind of like, you know, emo shirt.

But, then there's something about the lace

that's just like a little bit gay.

But it's not like so gay that it's gonna
turn off a lot of straight people

that accidentally click on the video

'cause the title looks interesting.

I'm just taking it off, right?

Fine. Lightning fast. Keep running.

(sound of microphone noise as he changes)

Does that work? (sigh) (clears throat)

Hi, I'm Dan and I'm contributing to the
extinction of the human race,

because I don't want kids.

(upbeat music)

Saying such a heinous thing in the past

would have you branded as an outcast
in society where you're either surely a

weirdo that's probably gonna be
arrested for being a serial killer

or a witch and it is time to repeatedly
dunk you in a river for some reason.

Well, times have changed.

I'm actually just a little depressed

with the state

of the world, and I'm not
sure if I wanna keep adding to it.

("Yay!" sound effect)

Even now, saying such a dramatic thing,
I don't know if I want kids.

gets you hit with a (surprised gasp.)

But, you will love them (sad music)

and they will love you, and who will

look after you when you need help to poop?
(fart noise)

All valid.
But, it's what we're built to do,

it's literally what the penis is for.

Trust me, I am doing everything with it
but what God wants.

For real. I am at that stage in life where

I guess, I'm an adult. (awkward laugh.)

All of my school friends have just

started plopping out kids,

which let's be clear,
were all lockdown babies.

They were all accidents. Yeah.

Uh, relationships only went
two ways in lockdown.

Either they realized usually they spent
so little time together

other than bonking that they don't

actually know each other. They have
nothing in common, and now they're

trapped in the house with their sentient
sex toy that they actually hate.

And split up. (Noise of glass breaking)

Or they are welcoming beautiful baby
Danarius or little Nas X or

as you go for f---ing jpeg, whatever

Grimes sent into the world.

Aww, they're cute. Definitely planned.
(Sarcasm.)

I found myself looking around like,

oh, God,

people aren't actually expecting me
to do this, intentionally.

Are they?

There is no more f----ed up phrase in
this world than "settle down."

Oh, in the 50's, you're expected to just

marry someone from high school immediately

and shit out octuplets and just skip
straight to day drinking (monkey noise)

and being resentful.

Bam! That is life right there

and now you are just procrastinating until

you get put in a home.

What is the rush, huh?

I don't need octuplets to day drink.

I just need to look at twitter for five
minutes and lose my will to live.

Why is it "settling?"

Why must we settle?

Can't we keep rustling?

Nervously twitching or irritatingly

tapping our legs through life?

And why is it down?

Jesus, if it was called "settling up"
it might be aspirational.

Going to Heaven is settling up.

Settling down just sounds like euthanasia.

It's like the backup option when we
realize that life is ultimately boring

and unfulfilling.

Like, shit, I ran out of TV to watch.

Oh, I know. Let's create a whole f----ing
life that didn't ask to be here.

Oh, your marriage needs saving?

A child will fix it. (Baby crying noise.)

Yeah, that's right.

How's that fifty percent divorce rate

working out for you?

Right. Ok, first up,

I like having a selfish life.

There, I said it.

I've already wasted too much time in

my life so far studying things that I
thought I should. Aspiring for careers

that I thought I should,

and not doing things with
my penis because they aren't God approved,

and I am still making up for lost time.

I struggle to get a basic amount of Mario
Kart into my schedule

to maintain my fragile mental health.

So, no, I do not want to maintain a whole
ass life.

I still very much feel like I am working
out who I am,

what the hell life is about and how I

even feel about this place that the idea
of something else becoming my priority

does not seem appealing.

When I speak to friends that just had
babies, I hit them with the uh,

oh, is it nice, yeah? Do you love them?

Bet you feel like they love you.

How much sleep are you getting?

(Intense music)

They're just crating their crusty necks

towards me as a fountain of blood erupts
from their eyeballs.

Yep, a child would take my time.

Drain my resources, stop me from being

spontaneous. Which you know is just one
of those things that I like having

the option to do, even if in reality I

only leave the house for work and

I'm more likely to just be sat in my
underwear eating yogurt and

watching videos of dumbass Golden
retrievers running into incredibly clean

glass doors.

"It's the final brain cell!"
(to tune of "final countdown")

But I could be spontaneous, alright.

It's knowing that I have the power and
possibility that keeps me

from feeling free. I've got 20 houseplants

and those needly f---ers stress me out
enough as it is. (Chicken noise.)

I only have to water them once a week.

If I have to feed something multiple

times a day and clean it and entertain it,

oh, man, I mean (laugh.)

Don't get me wrong, having plants and pets

is good for your mental health.

"Getting houseplants to support your

mental health is the gay version of
having a baby to try and save a marriage."

It is good to have small tasks or a
routine,

feel invested in something's growth and

feel rewarded by the joy that it gives you

but you don't have to entertain a cactus!

If I was trapped in a lift with a cactus

or a Golden retriever, no problem.

If a child looks at you and says
"I'm bored."

Holy f---, that terrifies me.

I just moved into a new place that

finally looks tasteful, and now what?

I have to childproof it?

I'm already ditsy bitch with giraffe legs

constantly walking into the corners of
furniture.

My genetic child stands no chance.

Also, children's toys are inherently

colorful, and that clashes immensely with

my depressed lesbian lumberjack core
aesthetic here.

We'll just end the video there to be
honest. That's all that matters.

The responsibility is incomprehensible.

My whole schick is built entirely around

how I was clearly set up for failure in
life and I am still just trying to

settle it out.

I do not want to f--- that up
(puppy noise) for baby Danarius.

How many books about child psychology

are like, hey, umm, yeah, the first time
you ever touch your child

if your hands are too cold--trauma.

Just like that, it's a bisexual.

There you go. First time you scold them,

oh, you gotta say the exact right thing

or when they're twenty they'll realize

they have a horrible sexual kink.

Even stupid sh--, my dad used to always
pronounce wafer as wah-fer because of the

wah-fer thin mints in Monty Python.

"Monsieur, a wah-fer thin mint. (Blah.)"

And I grew up my whole life thinking it
was actually called wah-fer!

I love blaming all of my flaws on nature
and nurture, and I will not

let anyone do that to me.

Imagine if I pass on generational trauma,

and in twenty-five years, my annoying

generation B2 child is streaming in

the metaverse as the avatar of a stomach

inflated pikachu talking about how me

eating yogurt in my underwear every night
is the traumating reason why they are

the figurehead of a transhumanist
revolution downloading themselves

into 10G enabled internet smart toilets.

No! I will not!

There's also the environmental argument
that the most efficient thing we can do

to save the world is to simply all
f---ing die.

Just die and let the squirrels rip off

my nuts and try to survive their nuclear

winter we left behind.

A hole of the life of resource
consumption that may beget further life,

add infinite items. I feel stressed about

remembering to recycle the lids of those
yogurts.

I'm not gonna make another me.

Dear God, the world doesn't need that.

And that's if there's a world left,

because I will be honest, we're at a

crossroads in society right now where
we're either gonna live in um

one of those cool Star Trek post-scarcity

green utopias of love and peace where we

sort this shit out or a full climate
apocalypse unironic YA dystopia

without the sexual tension and
cool outfits.

Forgive me for waiting to see what happens
first with brexit or the

U.S. Supreme Court or China, Russia,
social media just melting off brains

before I jizz in a petri dish because I'm
bored.

Also, I'm gay.

Yeah, probably should have mentioned that
way sooner if you didn't pick it up

from the lacy shirt.

Now if I accidentally got someone pregnant

(Emergency alarm sound)

that would be pretty interesting.

(Awkward laugh) for science.

Yeah, I mean I could adopt, have a cool
science baby, or just enter a strange

platonic lesbian mutual relationship
family commune type deal.

So, no. I do not really feel the need to

"settle down" and create a life.

But, on some level, I still feel bad
about it 'cause I guess we've all been

conditioned by our culture to imagine our

future and homes full of little laughter

and of course, hey, the laughter would be
nice. I'm sure unconditional love

does make you happy even if I'm scared of
the responsibility of shaping someone.

Maybe that fear means that I would do a
good job.

Could I actually make a happy person?

Now for some reason people always say,

Dan, I think you'd be a great dad.

Which makes me think, you know, with all
this meaning "um, really?"

(Awkward laugh)

"Are you sure that you've consumed all of
my content?"

Look forward to the video
with Louise coming very soon.

If I need a pep up, I'll have just a bit
of Louise's placenta,

and then it will be just "uh" (snaps)

Louise: "eat my organs."

Dan: "Is that cannibalism?

Louise: "Is it?"

Dan: "is it?"

Louise: "A little bit."

Dan: On some level I do think that I'd
be the best f---ing dad in the world

because you know what I'd do?

I would just actually love my child
and let them be whoever they want to.

I would just be there for them to make
sure they feel comfortable telling me

anything, and I'd be their friend.

I think it'd be fun to see a curious mind
try to work out how the world works

and seeing someone take it in with a pair
of fresh eyes might give me

a totally different perspective on life.

I'm so against this idea that we are meant

to do something, and yet,

our mental health, biological inherited

evolutionary pyschological makeup is
what it is.

So, give me a bonk and send me to jail

for I know I am horny for a reason.

Of course, if my child turned around one
day and said, "Daddy, Daniel, I want

to be an influencer."

Mercy killing straight away, let's go for

another one round where we f---ed up.

The most paranoid thing here is the people

choosing not to have kids are probably the

people that should be raising the next
generation.

If we think that younger generations
might fix all of this terrible shit,

that's because the people had kids that

had kids that had kids that had kids.

What if in a hundred years, all that's

left after the generations raised by

people doing things for the wrong reason
and they happily vote for their own

annihilation?

Now, choosing to create life so that on
some level, they can literally save

the world is a bit intense sounding,

but that is where we're at.

Let's be honest, that also sounds really

f---ing cool. (laughs)

Yeah, you can give them a little edgy

YA dystopia baby growth.

But, hey, we'll see.

How long do people even live for now?

I mean we keep measuring our
expectations for life based on

our grandparents' life expectancy,

but they were smoking since they
were two and

married at twenty, and just holding on for

dear life until now.

Are we gonna be like, a hundred and ten
with half-cyborg bodies?

We're just little drone sperms and drone
eggs and we get to piss around being

selfish and gay for sixty years, and

maybe then it's perfectly okay to create
life to shake things up.

'Cause maybe we'll actually know what we're

doing or just want to pump out some
soldiers for the culture

war.

Tell me how you feel, huh?

Am I denying myself love and joy?

Or should I somehow me more afraid than

I already am?

Who knows?

If this video gets 100,000 likes I will

film myself giving birth.

So, subscribe (bell noise)

and smash that f---ing like.

Yep, thanks for watching Dystopia Daily

with Daddy Daniel.

(chime noise.)

Okay (sniff).

(Sound of microphone as he takes off
flannel.)