WEBVTT

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(slow, yet intense piano music)

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Oh my god! (screams)

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Jesus f--- Christ

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(Sound of water bottle opening)

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(Sound of water hitting face)

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(heavy breathing)

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Here we go (clears throat)

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Hi. I'm Dan and welcome back--

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Yeah, that shirt's going to be a problem.

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Why?

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Oh, cause the-- 
f---

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Is it that bad? You can't see the-

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Piss. Ok, um..

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This is the first time I've worn 
this shirt.

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I was gonna do something
cute here.

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It's kind of like, you know, emo shirt.

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But, then there's something about the lace

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that's just like a little bit gay.

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But it's not like so gay that it's gonna 
turn off a lot of straight people

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that accidentally click on the video

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'cause the title looks interesting.

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I'm just taking it off, right?

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Fine. Lightning fast. Keep running.

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(sound of microphone noise as he changes)

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Does that work? (sigh) (clears throat)

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Hi, I'm Dan and I'm contributing to the 
extinction of the human race,

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because I don't want kids.

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(upbeat music)

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Saying such a heinous thing in the past

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would have you branded as an outcast 
in society where you're either surely a

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weirdo that's probably gonna be
arrested for being a serial killer

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or a witch and it is time to repeatedly 
dunk you in a river for some reason.

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Well, times have changed.

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I'm actually just a little depressed

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with the state

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of the world, and I'm not 
sure if I wanna keep adding to it.

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("Yay!" sound effect)

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Even now, saying such a dramatic thing,
I don't know if I want kids.

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gets you hit with a (surprised gasp.)

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But, you will love them (sad music)

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and they will love you, and who will

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look after you when you need help to poop?
(fart noise)

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All valid. 
But, it's what we're built to do,

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it's literally what the penis is for.

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Trust me, I am doing everything with it
but what God wants.

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For real. I am at that stage in life where

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I guess, I'm an adult. (awkward laugh.)

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All of my school friends have just

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started plopping out kids,

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which let's be clear,
were all lockdown babies.

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They were all accidents. Yeah.

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Uh, relationships only went 
two ways in lockdown.

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Either they realized usually they spent
so little time together

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other than bonking that they don't

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actually know each other. They have 
nothing in common, and now they're

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trapped in the house with their sentient 
sex toy that they actually hate.

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And split up. (Noise of glass breaking)

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Or they are welcoming beautiful baby
Danarius or little Nas X or

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as you go for f---ing jpeg, whatever

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Grimes sent into the world.

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Aww, they're cute. Definitely planned. 
(Sarcasm.)

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I found myself looking around like,

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oh, God,

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people aren't actually expecting me
to do this, intentionally.

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Are they?

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There is no more f----ed up phrase in 
this world than "settle down."

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Oh, in the 50's, you're expected to just

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marry someone from high school immediately

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and shit out octuplets and just skip 
straight to day drinking (monkey noise)

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and being resentful.

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Bam! That is life right there

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and now you are just procrastinating until

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you get put in a home.

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What is the rush, huh?

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I don't need octuplets to day drink.

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I just need to look at twitter for five
minutes and lose my will to live.

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Why is it "settling?"

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Why must we settle?

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Can't we keep rustling?

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Nervously twitching or irritatingly

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tapping our legs through life?

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And why is it down?

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Jesus, if it was called "settling up" 
it might be aspirational.

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Going to Heaven is settling up.

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Settling down just sounds like euthanasia.

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It's like the backup option when we
realize that life is ultimately boring

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and unfulfilling.

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Like, shit, I ran out of TV to watch.

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Oh, I know. Let's create a whole f----ing 
life that didn't ask to be here.

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Oh, your marriage needs saving?

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A child will fix it. (Baby crying noise.)

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Yeah, that's right.

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How's that fifty percent divorce rate

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working out for you?

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Right. Ok, first up,

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I like having a selfish life.

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There, I said it.

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I've already wasted too much time in

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my life so far studying things that I
thought I should. Aspiring for careers

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that I thought I should,

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and not doing things with
my penis because they aren't God approved,

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and I am still making up for lost time.

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I struggle to get a basic amount of Mario 
Kart into my schedule

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to maintain my fragile mental health.

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So, no, I do not want to maintain a whole 
ass life.

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I still very much feel like I am working
out who I am,

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what the hell life is about and how I

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even feel about this place that the idea 
of something else becoming my priority

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does not seem appealing.

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When I speak to friends that just had 
babies, I hit them with the uh,

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oh, is it nice, yeah? Do you love them?

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Bet you feel like they love you.

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How much sleep are you getting?

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(Intense music)

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They're just crating their crusty necks

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towards me as a fountain of blood erupts 
from their eyeballs.

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Yep, a child would take my time.

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Drain my resources, stop me from being

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spontaneous. Which you know is just one 
of those things that I like having

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the option to do, even if in reality I

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only leave the house for work and

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I'm more likely to just be sat in my 
underwear eating yogurt and

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watching videos of dumbass Golden 
retrievers running into incredibly clean

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glass doors.

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"It's the final brain cell!" 
(to tune of "final countdown")

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But I could be spontaneous, alright.

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It's knowing that I have the power and
possibility that keeps me

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from feeling free. I've got 20 houseplants

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and those needly f---ers stress me out
enough as it is. (Chicken noise.)

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I only have to water them once a week.

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If I have to feed something multiple

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times a day and clean it and entertain it,

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oh, man, I mean (laugh.)

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Don't get me wrong, having plants and pets

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is good for your mental health.

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"Getting houseplants to support your

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mental health is the gay version of 
having a baby to try and save a marriage."

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It is good to have small tasks or a 
routine,

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feel invested in something's growth and

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feel rewarded by the joy that it gives you

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but you don't have to entertain a cactus!

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If I was trapped in a lift with a cactus

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or a Golden retriever, no problem.

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If a child looks at you and says 
"I'm bored."

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Holy f---, that terrifies me.

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I just moved into a new place that

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finally looks tasteful, and now what?

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I have to childproof it?

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I'm already ditsy bitch with giraffe legs

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constantly walking into the corners of
furniture.

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My genetic child stands no chance.

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Also, children's toys are inherently

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colorful, and that clashes immensely with

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my depressed lesbian lumberjack core 
aesthetic here.

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We'll just end the video there to be 
honest. That's all that matters.

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The responsibility is incomprehensible.

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My whole schick is built entirely around

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how I was clearly set up for failure in
life and I am still just trying to

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settle it out.

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I do not want to f--- that up 
(puppy noise) for baby Danarius.

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How many books about child psychology

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are like, hey, umm, yeah, the first time 
you ever touch your child

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if your hands are too cold--trauma.

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Just like that, it's a bisexual.

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There you go. First time you scold them,

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oh, you gotta say the exact right thing

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or when they're twenty they'll realize

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they have a horrible sexual kink.

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Even stupid sh--, my dad used to always 
pronounce wafer as wah-fer because of the

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wah-fer thin mints in Monty Python.

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"Monsieur, a wah-fer thin mint. (Blah.)"

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And I grew up my whole life thinking it 
was actually called wah-fer!

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I love blaming all of my flaws on nature 
and nurture, and I will not

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let anyone do that to me.

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Imagine if I pass on generational trauma,

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and in twenty-five years, my annoying

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generation B2 child is streaming in

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the metaverse as the avatar of a stomach

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inflated pikachu talking about how me

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eating yogurt in my underwear every night
is the traumating reason why they are

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the figurehead of a transhumanist 
revolution downloading themselves

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into 10G enabled internet smart toilets.

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No! I will not!

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There's also the environmental argument
that the most efficient thing we can do

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to save the world is to simply all 
f---ing die.

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Just die and let the squirrels rip off

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my nuts and try to survive their nuclear

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winter we left behind.

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A hole of the life of resource 
consumption that may beget further life,

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add infinite items. I feel stressed about

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remembering to recycle the lids of those
yogurts.

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I'm not gonna make another me.

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Dear God, the world doesn't need that.

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And that's if there's a world left,

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because I will be honest, we're at a

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crossroads in society right now where
we're either gonna live in um

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one of those cool Star Trek post-scarcity

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green utopias of love and peace where we

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sort this shit out or a full climate 
apocalypse unironic YA dystopia

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without the sexual tension and 
cool outfits.

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Forgive me for waiting to see what happens
first with brexit or the

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U.S. Supreme Court or China, Russia, 
social media just melting off brains

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before I jizz in a petri dish because I'm 
bored.

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Also, I'm gay.

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Yeah, probably should have mentioned that
way sooner if you didn't pick it up

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from the lacy shirt.

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Now if I accidentally got someone pregnant

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(Emergency alarm sound)

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that would be pretty interesting.

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(Awkward laugh) for science.

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Yeah, I mean I could adopt, have a cool 
science baby, or just enter a strange

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
platonic lesbian mutual relationship 
family commune type deal.

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So, no. I do not really feel the need to

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"settle down" and create a life.

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But, on some level, I still feel bad 
about it 'cause I guess we've all been

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conditioned by our culture to imagine our

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
future and homes full of little laughter

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and of course, hey, the laughter would be
nice. I'm sure unconditional love

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does make you happy even if I'm scared of
the responsibility of shaping someone.

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Maybe that fear means that I would do a
good job.

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Could I actually make a happy person?

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Now for some reason people always say,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Dan, I think you'd be a great dad.

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Which makes me think, you know, with all
this meaning "um, really?"

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(Awkward laugh)

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"Are you sure that you've consumed all of 
my content?"

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Look forward to the video 
with Louise coming very soon.

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If I need a pep up, I'll have just a bit
of Louise's placenta,

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and then it will be just "uh" (snaps)

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Louise: "eat my organs."

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Dan: "Is that cannibalism?

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Louise: "Is it?"

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Dan: "is it?"

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Louise: "A little bit."

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Dan: On some level I do think that I'd 
be the best f---ing dad in the world

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because you know what I'd do?

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I would just actually love my child
and let them be whoever they want to.

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I would just be there for them to make
sure they feel comfortable telling me

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
anything, and I'd be their friend.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I think it'd be fun to see a curious mind 
try to work out how the world works

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and seeing someone take it in with a pair
of fresh eyes might give me

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
a totally different perspective on life.

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I'm so against this idea that we are meant

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to do something, and yet,

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our mental health, biological inherited

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evolutionary pyschological makeup is 
what it is.

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So, give me a bonk and send me to jail

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for I know I am horny for a reason.

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Of course, if my child turned around one
day and said, "Daddy, Daniel, I want

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to be an influencer."

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Mercy killing straight away, let's go for

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another one round where we f---ed up.

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The most paranoid thing here is the people

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choosing not to have kids are probably the

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
people that should be raising the next
generation.

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If we think that younger generations 
might fix all of this terrible shit,

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that's because the people had kids that

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
had kids that had kids that had kids.

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What if in a hundred years, all that's

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left after the generations raised by

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
people doing things for the wrong reason
and they happily vote for their own

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annihilation?

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Now, choosing to create life so that on 
some level, they can literally save

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the world is a bit intense sounding,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but that is where we're at.

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Let's be honest, that also sounds really

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
f---ing cool. (laughs)

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Yeah, you can give them a little edgy

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YA dystopia baby growth.

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But, hey, we'll see.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
How long do people even live for now?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I mean we keep measuring our 
expectations for life based on

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
our grandparents' life expectancy,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but they were smoking since they 
were two and

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
married at twenty, and just holding on for

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
dear life until now.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Are we gonna be like, a hundred and ten
with half-cyborg bodies?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
We're just little drone sperms and drone 
eggs and we get to piss around being

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
selfish and gay for sixty years, and

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
maybe then it's perfectly okay to create
life to shake things up.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
'Cause maybe we'll actually know what we're

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
doing or just want to pump out some 
soldiers for the culture

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
war.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Tell me how you feel, huh?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Am I denying myself love and joy?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Or should I somehow me more afraid than

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I already am?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Who knows?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
If this video gets 100,000 likes I will

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
film myself giving birth.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So, subscribe (bell noise) 


99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and smash that f---ing like.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Yep, thanks for watching Dystopia Daily

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
with Daddy Daniel.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(chime noise.)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Okay (sniff).

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Sound of microphone as he takes off 
flannel.)