Dana Carvey - Who Will Be President?

Dana Carvey descibes who may become President in 2008

[Applause]

You are encouraging me way too much.

But I'm lovin' it.

Uh, you know, you think about this whole, this whole

era politically and, you know, that there's been a

Bush in the White House for 30 years, and it's

specifically Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton, and

a lot of poeple think it's like a conspiracy, someone

thought of this shit, you know, some kind of,

you know, Matrix, sci-fi kind of thing, some kind

of oracle, like you know, Ronald Regan in some

summit in 1988 - 88 - planned the whole thing,

you know, [impersonates Regan]

"Well, I'll be president until 1988, and then George, um, well, you can be president."

[Impersonates George Bush Sr.]

"Well, thank ya." [cheers and applause]

"Lovin' it, lovin' to be prezzer, been a veeper

for a while. Love to go up to the big boy table.

Be a commander in chiefer. Wanna be a dos-a-termer."

[Regan] "Well, no, you'll have one term, and

then we'll put in that Arkansas governor,

the really horny one." [cheers and laughter]

[Impersonates Bill Clinton]

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm lovin' it.

Thank you, Regan Oracle, I can't wait

to be president."

[Regan] "Well, don't get cocky. Everyone knows you've

got a zipper problem." [laughter]

"Comedians will still be making jokes

about your horniness in the year 2008."

[Clinton] "Get the fuck out of town!"

[Impersonates Al Gore]

"My name's Al Gore. Could I be president,

Regan Oracle? Could I be President of the

United States of America?" [laughter]

[Regan] "Well, you'll win the popular vote, but you

won't be president." [laughter]

[Gore] "How does that work?"

[Regan] "You'll find out. But you will win

the Nobel Peace Prize."

[Gore] "The Nobel Peace Prize! What will I

win that for?"

[Regan] "It doesn't really matter."

[Impersonates Ross Perot]

"This here's Ross Perot! Can I be president

[jibberish, fast talking]

[Regan] "Stand down, little man."

[Perot] "Can I get a Nobel Prize, can I get a Nobel Prize?"

[Regan] "Stand down, you little munchkin freak."

[Perot] "Can I get a Nobel Prize, can I get a Nobel Prize?"

[Regan] "No, you can't."

[Perot] "Why not?"

[Regan] "Because they don't give them to nut balls."

[Perot] "I'll get you, Regan Oracle.

You can't put a porcupine in a barn and light it

on fire and expect to make licorice!" [laughter]

[Impersonates John Kerry]

"I'm John Kerry. I'm John Kerry and I want to

be president of the United States of America."

[Regan] "No, you can't be president."

[Kerry] "Why not?"

[Regan] "Because you look like Herman Munster!

Your face is 19% longer than anatomically

thought possible. Now get the fuck out.

All right, where was I? Bill, Mr. Clinton, well,

you'll do two terms. Then George, we'll bring in

your son."

[Bush] "Well, thank ya. Thank ya for that.

Jeb Bush, ready to go. Jebbers on deck."

[Regan] "No, not that one. The drunken one

with the coke problem." [cheering, laughter]

[Impersonates George W Bush]

"All right, you hear that, Daddy? Imma - heh heh -

imma be President of American. I can't wait

to be the commander in hankerchief.

I'll make all kinda of presidential speeches,

check one out. God bless American.

We're gonna pro-tect [...] here at home

and on abroad. Make no mistake, we're gonna

pro-tect [...] against all our em-in-em anies.

Like the floundering fathers proclamatted in the

declaration of impedence, all men are secreted

equally."

[Regan] "Is he retarded?"

[Bush Sr.] "Well, not the crunchiest chip in the

bag there."

[Impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger]

"Ya, this is Arnold Schwarzenegger, movie star.

I'd like to be president of the United States of America."

[Regan] "No, you can't be president."

[Arnold] "Why not?"

[Regan] "Because you sound like those fellas we

fought in World War II."

[Impersonating John McCain]

"My name's John McCain - "

[Regan] "My God you're old! It's father time,

come alive. Be gone, crypt keeper."

[Impersonating DIck Cheney]

"This is Dick Cheney. You don't have to

worry about me ... I never wanna be president."

[Regan] "That's a good thing because you're

a bit creepy."

[Clinton] "Well come on, Regan Oracle, who's

gonna be president? We gotta know!"

[Regan] "Well, we won't know til we know,

that's all I'll tell you. But I've got my eye

on a nice African-American gentleman from

Illinois, a wonderful speaker. Kind of looks

like a cross between the Mad magazine guy

and Urkle."

We're all gonna find out together. [cheers]