[Applause]
You are encouraging me way too much.
But I'm lovin' it.
Uh, you know, you think about this whole, this whole
era politically and, you know, that there's been a
Bush in the White House for 30 years, and it's
specifically Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton, and
a lot of poeple think it's like a conspiracy, someone
thought of this shit, you know, some kind of,
you know, Matrix, sci-fi kind of thing, some kind
of oracle, like you know, Ronald Regan in some
summit in 1988 - 88 - planned the whole thing,
you know, [impersonates Regan]
"Well, I'll be president until 1988, and then George, um, well, you can be president."
[Impersonates George Bush Sr.]
"Well, thank ya." [cheers and applause]
"Lovin' it, lovin' to be prezzer, been a veeper
for a while. Love to go up to the big boy table.
Be a commander in chiefer. Wanna be a dos-a-termer."
[Regan] "Well, no, you'll have one term, and
then we'll put in that Arkansas governor,
the really horny one." [cheers and laughter]
[Impersonates Bill Clinton]
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm lovin' it.
Thank you, Regan Oracle, I can't wait
to be president."
[Regan] "Well, don't get cocky. Everyone knows you've
got a zipper problem." [laughter]
"Comedians will still be making jokes
about your horniness in the year 2008."
[Clinton] "Get the fuck out of town!"
[Impersonates Al Gore]
"My name's Al Gore. Could I be president,
Regan Oracle? Could I be President of the
United States of America?" [laughter]
[Regan] "Well, you'll win the popular vote, but you
won't be president." [laughter]
[Gore] "How does that work?"
[Regan] "You'll find out. But you will win
the Nobel Peace Prize."
[Gore] "The Nobel Peace Prize! What will I
win that for?"
[Regan] "It doesn't really matter."
[Impersonates Ross Perot]
"This here's Ross Perot! Can I be president
[jibberish, fast talking]
[Regan] "Stand down, little man."
[Perot] "Can I get a Nobel Prize, can I get a Nobel Prize?"
[Regan] "Stand down, you little munchkin freak."
[Perot] "Can I get a Nobel Prize, can I get a Nobel Prize?"
[Regan] "No, you can't."
[Perot] "Why not?"
[Regan] "Because they don't give them to nut balls."
[Perot] "I'll get you, Regan Oracle.
You can't put a porcupine in a barn and light it
on fire and expect to make licorice!" [laughter]
[Impersonates John Kerry]
"I'm John Kerry. I'm John Kerry and I want to
be president of the United States of America."
[Regan] "No, you can't be president."
[Kerry] "Why not?"
[Regan] "Because you look like Herman Munster!
Your face is 19% longer than anatomically
thought possible. Now get the fuck out.
All right, where was I? Bill, Mr. Clinton, well,
you'll do two terms. Then George, we'll bring in
your son."
[Bush] "Well, thank ya. Thank ya for that.
Jeb Bush, ready to go. Jebbers on deck."
[Regan] "No, not that one. The drunken one
with the coke problem." [cheering, laughter]
[Impersonates George W Bush]
"All right, you hear that, Daddy? Imma - heh heh -
imma be President of American. I can't wait
to be the commander in hankerchief.
I'll make all kinda of presidential speeches,
check one out. God bless American.
We're gonna pro-tect [...] here at home
and on abroad. Make no mistake, we're gonna
pro-tect [...] against all our em-in-em anies.
Like the floundering fathers proclamatted in the
declaration of impedence, all men are secreted
equally."
[Regan] "Is he retarded?"
[Bush Sr.] "Well, not the crunchiest chip in the
bag there."
[Impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger]
"Ya, this is Arnold Schwarzenegger, movie star.
I'd like to be president of the United States of America."
[Regan] "No, you can't be president."
[Arnold] "Why not?"
[Regan] "Because you sound like those fellas we
fought in World War II."
[Impersonating John McCain]
"My name's John McCain - "
[Regan] "My God you're old! It's father time,
come alive. Be gone, crypt keeper."
[Impersonating DIck Cheney]
"This is Dick Cheney. You don't have to
worry about me ... I never wanna be president."
[Regan] "That's a good thing because you're
a bit creepy."
[Clinton] "Well come on, Regan Oracle, who's
gonna be president? We gotta know!"
[Regan] "Well, we won't know til we know,
that's all I'll tell you. But I've got my eye
on a nice African-American gentleman from
Illinois, a wonderful speaker. Kind of looks
like a cross between the Mad magazine guy
and Urkle."
We're all gonna find out together. [cheers]