Andy Kaufman on Dating Game 1978

[Dating Game music]

Announcer: From Hollywood!

The dating capitol of the world.

It's..."The Dating Game!"

[Applause]

Here is the star of the show:

Your host, Jim Lange!

Oh, ho, all right!

[Audience cheers]

Thank you, thank you very much.

And thank you, and welcome
to "The Dating Game,"

one more time.

Oh, we got something for you
this time.

It's time to meet our first 3
eligible bachelors,

for game number one.
And here they are!

[Jazz music]

[Host] Welcome, gentlemen.

Our first bachelor is here
on "The Dating Game"

to prove

that it's never too late to be
an embarrassment to your family.

He works in the record industry.

He loves all outdoor activities.

Welcome John Rotella. John?
Good luck to you.

[Applause]

But bachelor 2 is relatively new
to the Hollywood area,

which means he is obscure, to
most of the girls in town.

But tomorrow, after exhibiting
his romantic techniques

on "The Dating Game,"

he will definitely be
anonymous.

He's an engineer, a hockey enthusiast,

and an incurable gambler.

George Shower. George, welcome.

[Applause]

And bachelor number 3, sad to say,

canceled out at the last moment.

So, we grabbed the first man we saw
hanging out on Hollywood Boulevard.

We just threw him into chair number 3.

We know virtually nothing about this man.

Only that he calls himself
'Baji Kimran.'

Baji? Welcome to "The Dating Game."

Welcome, Baj.

There they are!

Those are our 3 bachelors,

and we'll be right back,
to meet our young lady,

right after this message.
Don't you go away.

Welcome back to "The Dating Game."

It's time to meet our young lady
for game number one.

And here she is.

[Jazzy music]

Oh boy.

This dazzling bachelorette
is a chronic disco dancer.

She is here tonight to answer
the musical question:

"Can The Hustle really clear up
the stress in the lower crack?"

She's a model, a magician,
and a really pussycat:

Welcome, if you will,
Miss Patrice Burke.

[Audience cheers]

Hello. Meow.

[Applause]

Meowww.

[Applause]

[Host] Born under the sign of Leo.
No.

You know there are 3 bachelors
over there.

You ask them anything you like,
except their name, age,

occupation, or income.

When you figure out, after it's all over,
which one you want,

you've got a date. OK?

Okay.

We'll start with a hello
from bachelor number 1.

Number 1, would you say hi
to Patrice, please?

How ya doing, Patrice.

Number 2?

How are ya doing today Patrice.

Number 3.

[Latka voice] Hello Patrice.

[Laughter]

Okay.

[Host] Are you ready for this?

I think I can handle it.

Got your questions?
Okay, have a seat.

Make yourself comfortable.

Good luck, Patrice.
Here we go.

Uh, bachelor number 3.

It's the holiday season,
and I'm Santa.

You're on my lap.
Little boy, take it away.

What?

[Laughter]

Wait a minute. Wait.

I don't know what --
what she look like.

Could I see what
she look like?

[Host] No, you can't.

Oh, all right.

That's part of the game.
You have to stay there.

Answer as best you can.

But I don't know who she is.

[Host] No, I know.

I'm Santa!

[Host] She's beautiful.

Yeah...?

I'm Santa.

Santy Claus?

Right.

But you don't, eh --
sound like Santy Claus.

[Laughter]

Okay.

[Laughter]

[Host] Well, pretend.

[Patrice] Pretend.

[Host] You're on her lap.
Take it from there.

And what do I do?

[Laughter]

That's what I want you to tell me.

I going to tell you
what I want for Christmas.

- Yes!

[Laughter]

What?

Right.

All I want, eh...for Christmas, eh...
television.

And, eh, eh, record player...
and a record...

Eh...food.

[Laughter]

[Patrice] Okay.

You were a good boy all year?
You think you deserve it?

What?

Were you a good boy all year?
You think you deserve all this?

Yes.

Okay.

[Host] He's raising his hand.

You did not --

[Host] Yes number 3?

Eh, you did not ask me.

You asked number 2, and then,
you asked number 1.

But she did not ask me.

[Audience cheers]

She asked me once, and
she asked him twice.

[Host] I know. It's her prerogative
to ask whoever she wants.

But I want next!

You are next. You're right.
[Nervous giggle]

Alright. Alright.

Here you go.

[Laughter]

Let's hear your best ending
for this sentence:

"I'll do anything for you, except..."

Except what?

[Laughter]

That's what she wants to know.

You will do anything for me?

No!

Except -- except what?

You. You will do anything for me,
except what.

Ehhhh...I don't know.

[Laughter]

What do you want me to say?

Eh...I will...do...

Do you know?

[Laughter]

I'm -- I'm -- not to, to,
maybe to stand on my head.

I...don't know.

Okay. You don't have to
stand on your head for me.

[Scattered laughter]

But I will do anything for you,
if you want me to.

To go on the date.

Aww. Thank you.

[Applause]

Welcome back to "The Dating Game."

Patrice, we have reached that moment now,

where you have to tell us
which one of those three

wonderful fellas over there
gets the date.

Will it be bachelor number one?

Bachelor number two?

Or bachelor number three?

Which one are you gonna choose?

Bachelor number one.

Number one! Alright.
Congratulations.

[Applause]

Why number one? Anything
about number one?

Well, I liked his baby story.

You liked his story of babies
from coconuts and bananas?

Now before you meet him, let's meet
the other two bachelors.

They did a great job.

Bachelor number two loves to play hockey.

Number two is a lucky gambler,
although he didn't get so lucky tonight.

He's an engineer. Say hi to George Shower.

George, come on and say hello, please.

[Applause]

Sorry, George. Would've been nice, but
you didn't get the date.

You also didn't choose bachelor number 3.

I must say this: Bachelor number 3 did not
seem to know the rules.

He was a last minute replacement
on the show.

Bachelor 3 didn't show up. So we found
him out on the street.

It was very nice of him to come in.

Baji Kimran.

No!

- Baji, come on and say hello.

No!

[Applause]

You mean, I did not win?
I did not -- No!

- Come on, Baji.

No. I won! No, I won!

But, I -- I won.

- You've got to --

But I was -- I -- I won.

- No, you didn't.

But I answered all the
questions right.

[Laughter]

- No, Patrice didn't choose you, Baj.

But, I -- but I answered all the questions
the right way!

- Come on out here, Baj.

No!!

She'll give you a kiss.

No!!

[Crying]

- He doesn't want to meet you.

- Let me tell you something about
the bachelor...oh, here he comes.

Come on, Baj.

[Laughter]

- Aww.

- Give him a hand. He did a great job.

[Applause]

I did all of the questions
the right way.

- There is no "right," you see.

But I was anxious about it all.

- I know you were.

I won the -- I won!

- Especially, I liked the one about
wanting food for Christmas.

I liked that one.

[Laughter]

But Baj, I'm sorry you
weren't chosen.

We do have some gifts for you.

We have some prizes, OK? OK?

Don't feel too bad.
Maybe you can come back.

Would you like to see him
come back again, folks?

[Applause]

- All right. Thanks Baj.

You can come back and join us
again, okay?

Go rest. You can go now.
That's it. Go Baj. That's it.

I'm sorry. I've never quite seen
anybody take it that hard.