Chris Rock Monologue - Saturday Night Live

Former SNL cast member and "Top Five" writer, director and star Chris Rock returns to Studio 8H to discuss the NYC Marathon, the Freedom Tower and the commercialization of holidays.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock.

[CHEERING]

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you all.

[CHEERING]

Hey, hey.

I just want to say, it's
great to be back, great to be

in New York, great to be
at Saturday Night Live.

It's great to be here
the day after Halloween.

I can't believe some
of y'all made it.

As you know, as you know,
yesterday was Halloween.

Tomorrow's the New
York City Marathon.

Yeah, scary, you know?

What could go
wrong there, right?

[LAUGHTER]

It will be all right.

It will be all right.

New York is going
to be fine, just

like-- just like Boston's fine
after the marathon, you know?

Oh, Boston Marathon
was scary, man.

That was scary, man.

Because I love Boston.

I love the people
there, but that

was, that probably the most
frightening, sadistic terrorist

attack ever.

Just think about it,
26 miles, 26 miles.

26 miles is a long drive.

If you call up one of
your friends, hey man,

I need you to pick me up.

Where you at?

About 26 miles away.

You better get Uber.

[LAUGHTER]

26 miles, people jogging
for 26 miles, man, 26.

Their knees are hurting.

Their feet are killing them.

If you're a woman, there's
blood coming out your titties.

[LAUGHTER]

26 miles, you've been
training for a year,

you finally get to the finish
line and somebody screams, run.

Oh, that is horrible, man.

But, hey, the good people
of Boston bounced back.

That's right.

And New York will bounce back.

That's right.

New York, we had our
own terrorist attack.

And we bounced back.

That's right.

Now we've got the Freedom Tower.

The Freedom-- have you
seen the Freedom Tower?

You can see it no
matter where you're at.

If you can-- if you
can't see it from here,

then you're in Connecticut, OK?

Freedom Tower anywhere you look.

Now, the should change the
name from the Freedom Tower

to the never going
in there tower.

Because I'm never
going in there.

There is no circumstance
that will ever

get me in that building.

Are you kidding me?

[APPLAUSE]

My god, what do they have?

Does this building duck?

What are they thinking?

Like, who's the corporate
sponsor, Target?

[LAUGHTER]

Stop it.

In the same spot?

They put another skyscraper
in the same spot?

What kind of arrogant Floyd
Mayweather crap is this?

In the same spot?

What businesses are they going
to put in the Freedom Tower?

They're going to put some
mandatory stuff in there,

stuff you can't get out of like
the IRS, family court, DMV.

Because they put a
Sunglass Hut in there,

it's going to be empty.

I am never going in
the Freedom Tower, man.

Are you kidding me?

It's the same spot.

Hey, I got robbed on 48th
and 8th about 20 years ago.

I have not been back
to 48th and 8th.

[LAUGHTER]

No, I am never going
in the Freedom Tower.

Hey man, I don't care
if Scarlett Johansson is

butt naked on the 89th
floor in a plate of ribs,

I'm not going in
there, all right?

No, no, no, no.

People are come
on, man, don't joke

about the Freedom Tower, that
has something to do with 9/11.

Hey, hey, I'm not
joking about 9/11.

I'm not.

I'm not.

But you've got to realize,
we are in America.

And in America, there
are no sacred days.

Because we commercialize
everything.

That's right.

We're only five years
away from 9/11 sales.

That's right.

You're going to hear
it on the radio.

Come on down to Red Lobster.

These shrimp are $9.11.

That's right.

It doesn't matter
what the holiday is.

Martin Luther King Day, it's
going to be the same thing.

You're going to be
watching TV like,

these Toyotas are practically
free at last, free at last.

These Toyotas are
practically free at last.

This MLK Birthday,
Madea's got dreams.

[LAUGHTER]

It's America.

We commercialize everything.

Look at what we
did to Christmas.

Christmas, Christmas
is Jesus' birthday.

It's Jesus' birthday.

Now, I don't know Jesus,
but from what I've read,

Jesus is the least
materialistic person to ever

roam the earth,
no bling on Jesus.

Jesus kept a low profile.

And we turned his birthday
into the most materialistic day

of the year.

Matter of fact, we have
the Jesus birthday season.

It's a whole season
of materialism.

Then at the end of the
Jesus birthday season,

we had the nerve to have
an economist come on TV

and tell you how horrible
the Jesus birthday

season was this year.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, we had a horrible
Jesus' birthday this year.

Hopefully, business will
pick up by his crucifixion.

[LAUGHTER]

Yes, but, you know,
you try to help.

Jesus, Jesus tried to help.

[APPLAUSE]

Jesus tried to help.

They I tried to help.

You get hurt for helping.

That's what happens, man.

I remember, I went
down to Washington, DC

for an anti-gun event,
OK, anti-gun thing

at the White House.

Now, I'm not, I'm
not big anti-gun,

but I just think there should be
some regulations just in case.

Just, like the same way I can't
drive a NASCAR down the street,

I shouldn't be able to have
a machine gun in my house

across the street
from the school, OK?

It's simple, right?

[APPLAUSE]

So I go to this thing.

And it's me and a
bunch of celebrities.

And we speak out against guns.

And I come home.

And I check out my website.

And I look at my
website and there's

all these threats on there.

I'm going to kill you.

I'm going to put
one in your head.

I'll slit your throat.

Don't you dare come between me
and my, and my, and my weapon.

And I realize, oh my
god, I need a gun!

I need a gun right now.

And from that
moment on, I said, I

will never get
involved in any charity

or cause for the
rest of my life.

You're on your own.

I don't care what disease it is.

I don't care if it's protecting
kids, the environment,

I don't care.

If you see me talking
about a disease, I got it.

[APPLAUSE]

Hey!

We've got a great
show for you tonight.

[CHEERING]

Prince is here!

So stick around.

We'll be right back.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]