Abe Simpson Compilation

Death stalks you at every turn.

Grandpa!

Well, it does. [SHRIEKS]
There! There it is. There!

It's only Maggie.

[LAUGHS] Oh yeah. You know, at my
age the mind starts playing tricks.

Ah!!! There!

- That's only the cat.
- Oh.

Ah, there!!

That's Maggie again, Grandpa.

Oh. Where were we?

There!!!!

[CHOMPING SOUNDS]

Uh oh.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

What? What's that?

Hi Mum. Hi Dad. Home already?
[GRANDPA TRYING TO SPEAK]

Boy, time really flies when
you're reading... the BIBLE!

Ooooh!

Well, we brought some pizza.

[JUMBLED SPEECH]

If you don't start making more sense
we're going to have to put you in a home.

You already put me in a home.

Then we'll put you in the crooked
home we saw on Sixty Minutes.

I'll be good.

Poor Homer. This world was never
meant for one as beautiful as you.

[GURGLING CHOKING SOUNDS]

Ahh! Get it! Get it!

Grandpa, please, he's in a coma.

Coma? [SCOFFS] Why, I go in and
out of comas all the ....[SNORES]

French toast please.

Is a coma painful?

Oh, heck no! You relive long lost
summers, kiss girls from high school.

It's like one of those TV shows where they
show a bunch of clips from old episodes.

[WHISTLING]

Oh Simpson, can't you go 5 seconds
without humiliating yourself?

[TWANG OF BRACES BREAKING]

[LOUD BANG AND CRASH]
How long was that?

[LOUD DRUM SOUND EFFECTS]

This elevator only goes to the basement and
someone made an awful mess down there.

We can't bust heads like we used to

but we have our ways.
[GROUP VOICES THEIR AGREEMENT]

One trick is to tell 'em
stories that don't go anywhere.

Like the time I caught
the ferry over to Shelbyville.

I needed a new heel for my shoe.

So I decided to go to Morganville, which is
what they called Shelbyville in those days.

So I tied an onion to my belt
which was the style at the time.

Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel

and in those days nickels had
pictures of bumblebees on 'em.

Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say.

Now, where were we?

Oh yeah, the important thing was
that I had an onion on my belt

which was the style at the time.

They didn't have white onions because of the
war. The only thing you could get was those ...

You know, you remind me
of a poem I can't remember

and a song that may never have existed

and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.

You're so sweet.

[THINKING] Oooh, I feel all funny.

I'm in love!

No, wait, it's a stroke.

[AMBULANCE SIREN]
No, wait, it IS love.

I'm in Looooooooove.

When I read your magazine
I don't see one wrinkled face

or a single toothless grin - for shame.

To the sickos at Modern Bride magazine.

Hey Grandpa, we need
to know your first name.

[GASPS] You're making my tombstone!

No, we're just curious.

Alright, let's see.

First name. First name.

Well, whenever I'm confused,
I just check my underwear.

It holds the answer to all
the important questions.

Call me Abraham Simpson.

Grandpa, how did you take off your
underwear without taking off your pants?

I don't know.

But I need to talk about man stuff.

HOMER: Talk to Grandpa.
He used to be a man.

He did?

G...g...g...give up the
goods you yellow devil.

So I kinda like this girl at school but
I'm not sure if she likes me back.

There's one sure way
to find out if a girl likes you.

Steal a kiss.

Really? Did that ever work for you?

Sure did! I remember
it like it was yesterday.

[STATIC CRACKLY SOUNDS]

Uh oh.