Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: FIFA II (HBO)

FIFA. The organisation that sounds the most like the name of a purse dog

It's not Fi-Fi, it's FI-FA!

You may remember last year we examined what an appaling organisation FIFA is.

Treating countries that host the world cup like cash-machines

practically imposing their own rule of law

generating billions of dollars and yet somehow remaining a non-profit.

Now despite being almost the dictionary-definition of corruption

they've escaped any significant prosecution for decades.

But that all ended on wednesday.

"High-ranking officials from FIFA - the sports governing body -

arrested in an overnight raid in Switzerland.

The result of a sweeping FBI investigation."

I don't know what I'm more surprised by

That FIFA officials were actually arrested

or that America was behind it.

It took the country that cares the least about football

to bring down the people who've been ruining it.

That's.. that's like finding out that Ke$ha

arrested a group of bankers involved in commodities fraud.

Wow Ke$ha, I actually did not think this was an interest of yours.

Well, you've been undeniably effective. Tenacious prosecution, K!

It's not just the fact of the arrests

that was spectacular

it's how they were carried out.

"We saw several of those FIFA officials

led from the hotel.

I think it was the hotel staff trying to protect

their appearance if not their dignity

with white hotel sheets."

Oh. That is perfect because hotel sheets

are very much like FIFA officials.

They really should be clean

but they're actually unspeakably filthy

and deep down everybody knows that.

Essentially the US government

has accused FIFA officials of soliciting

$150M in bribes and kickbacks

in forms ranging from cash in a briefcase

to an expensive painting which to be fair

is unexpectedly classy corruption for sports executives.

Because if you wanted to bribe Roger Goodell

all you'd really need is a cardboard-box

filled with old playboys.

Apparently the big breakthrough

came when the IRS caught Chuck Blazer.

A corrupt American FIFA official

and actual bad santa.

For many years Blazer didn't even file a tax return

which was a little suspicious

considering the lifestyle he lived.

"His criminal activity, finance and opulent lifestyle

that included a luxury appartement in New York's Trump Tower

for the use of his cats."

WOOOW! None of us

know what aloof really means

until we meet a cat that has

his own appartement in Trump Tower.

He probably doesn't even lick himself

he just uses the on-site dry cleaning.

Now Blazer became an FBI informant

and with his help the US government

managed to produce a 164 page indictment

which I genuinly recommend you read

because it's amazing!

Let me give you just a taste.

For instance: It alleges that former FIFA vice president

Jack Warner tried to help buy votes

with envelopes containing $40K in cash.

And when someone objected, he said:

"If you're pious, open a church, friends.

Our business is our business."

Which is not just awful

it's factually incorrect!

Because opening a church is a fantastic way

to make a shit-ton of money.

That's just a fact!

And if you need any more proof

that Jack Warner could not give

less of a fuck, listen to this:

After he was arrested, he left jail

in an ambulance claiming exhaustion.

Exhaustion that he then recovered from

miraculously quickly.

"Hours after he was released from jail

the former FIFA exec turned politician

was defiant as he adressed a rally."

"♪ Every little thing's gonna be alright ♪"

THAT is cocky. Denying any involvement

while singing 'every little thing's gonna be alright'

As songs go, that's a little on the nose.

I guess we're just lucky that he didn't go with

'Got your Money' by Ol' Dirty Bastard.

Which come to think of it are three words

that describe Jack Warner perfectly.

But the cherry on top of all of this

is a video Jack Warner released just today

where he suggested that this was all

a conspiracy, bringing hard proof

in the form of a newspaper article

stating that FIFA was trying to placate the US

by giving them an extra world cup this year:

"FIFA has frantically announced 2015

this year.... an olympic final in the world cup

begin May 27th. If the FIFA is so bad

why is it the USA wants to keep the FIFA WC?"

And let's be fair, he's right

FIFA giving the US an extra world cup

is comically ridiculous. It's the sort of thing

you'd usually see in an 'Onion'-article

which it turns out was exactly

what he was holding up there.

And it says something.. it says something

about how corrupt FIFA is

that one of their ex-vice presidents

could look at that story and think

'Yeah, that sounds like something they might do.'

But maybe the most remarkable thing

about all of the charges is

that they didn't touch Sepp Blatter

who's been president of FIFA

for the last 17 years.

Now on his watch the world cup

has left a trail of devastation.

Just last year Brazil spent billions of dollars

on massive new stadiums

to host the World Cup.

Stadiums which have met a predictable fate:

"These days there's very little football

being played at the world's 2nd most expensive stadium.

In fact it mostly stays empty.

After hosting less than a handful of matches

during last years World Cup

it's never been filled again.

Today it serves mainly as a parking lot

for these buses."

You have to give them credit

FIFA literally went into Brazil

paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

But that is just a drop in the ocean

of what has happened on Blatter's watch.

Just look at what's gonna happen next Saturday

when the Women's World Cup starts.

Blatter has previously suggested

raising the popularity of women's soccer

by saying: 'They could, for example

have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty.'

And it is rare to find a non-fired boss

who will openly say: 'I would like

to make it easier for me

to masturbate to my employees.'

And as you'll see next week

that is pretty much the full extent of Blatter's care

for female players' legs.

"Every game will be played

- for the first time in history -

on artificial turf.

Many US team members are livid.

'There is a gender inequality issue.

Nooo chance would the men ever play

a World Cup on artificial turf.'

Leroux recently posted pictures

of skin burns she says were caused by turf."

Holy shit. The last time an athlete's legs

were beaten up that badly in advance

of a major competition it was because

Tonya Harding was unwilling to settle for silver.

But no decision Blatter has overseen

is more questionable than the 2022 WC

being awarded to Qatar.

Because not only will the conditions

be terrible to play in

but the number of migrant workers

that have died in Qatar

since the Cup was announced

has been staggering.

"Now the numbers are difficult to pin down

but a report by the international

Trade Union Confederation

for example has estimated 1,200 deaths so far

with up to 4,000 additional worker deaths by 2022."

Now even if all those are not directly

related to the World Cup, those are still

natural disaster numbers.

Weather services should start issuing

FIFA warnings: 'A stadium is being planned

in your area. Evacuate immediately!'

And you would think all this

might cost Sepp Blatter his job

and on friday he was actually up for re-election

as FIFA's president and offered

a pretty terrible defence for himself.

"I know many people hold me

ultimately responsible for the actions

and reputation of the global football community

[...] we or I cannot monitor everyone

all of the time."

THAT is weak! You are basically

Charles Manson saying:

'Listen, I've got a big family.

I don't now what squeaky

get's up to half the time.'

And by this point, having learned

what you know about FIFA

you have no right to be surprised

by the result of friday's election.

"With all eyes on FIFA,

the most powerful man in football,

Sepp Blatter has won a fifth term

as president of that organisation."

COME ON. He presided over

the worst fiasco in their history.

It's like a Sony executive greenlighting

a sequel in the middle of watching 'ALOHA'

'This is absolutely terrible and

I need to make sure there's more of it.'

We'll call it 'ALOHA 2 - This time we mean the other meaning'

Blatter's reelection was absolutely

a foregone conclusion.

Everyone knew this was coming.

And I can explain why.

All 209 members in FIFA

get a single vote for president.

And a lot of those smaller members

have a financial interest in keeping

things exactly as they are.

"All share equally the profits from the World Cup

regardless of size or soccer prowess.

'Liechtenstein get's as much money as Germany,

Andorra get's as much money as Spain

and Montserrat get's as much money as the US.' "

That's right, the US gets the same share as Montserrat.

Which A isn't even a country,

and B has a population of less than 6,000.

So America, a country with a population

of 320,000,000 gets just as much

as an island with the headcount matching that

of a slightly overbooked Carribean cruise.

And that's why under FIFA's system

leadership never changes.

Their elections are such a joke

that 4 years ago Blatter ran unopposed.

This was the actual ballot paper from that year.

And they should at least have added

a second box, so your options were

'Vote Blatter' or 'Go fuck yourself'

And the problem is all the arrests in the world

are gonna change nothing

as long as Blatter is still there.

Because to truly kill a snake

you must cut of its head

or in this case, its arsehole!

But if America keeps driving this investigation.

- This is important -

If America keeps driving this investigation

and actually finds something to indict him

I don't think you understand how much

that would mean to everyone on earth.

The whole worlds opinion of America

would change overnight.

Let me put this in terms you might understand:

If the Dutch somehow found a reason

to extradite and lock up Donald Trump

you would think: 'Holy shit

the Dutch are awesome. The Dutch are am...

What a country!'

That is what is on the table for you, America.

And if you won't do it

the last hope to get rid of him

is in the hands of the only group

even more powerful than

World governments.

"Right now he's being backed because the money

is still flowing in. The second Nike says goodbye

or the second VISA says goodbye

or the second Adidas or Coca Cola or Budweiser!?

I guarantee you, the heads will not have

the support they currently enjoy."

Exactly. Barring an indictment

the only people with the power

to get rid of Sepp Blatter are

FIFA's sponsors. These companies.

And I would like to make a plea to them tonight:

"Please make Sepp Blatter go away.

I will do anything.

Adidas. I will wear one of your ugly shoes.

One of these shoes! That make me look

like the greek god of aspiring D-Days.

McDonalds. I will take a bite out of

every item on your $1 menu

which tastes like normal food

that was cursed by a vindictive wizard.

And I will even make the ultimate sacrifice.

Budweiser. If you pull your support

and help get rid of Blatter

I will put my mouth where my mouth is

and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items.

I'm serious. It can be a Bud light

I will even drink a Bud light lime.

Despite the fact that all the lime in the world

cannot disguise the fact

that this tastes like a puddle

beneath a Long John Silver's dumpster.

But I will do it. I will drink one

maintaining eye contact with the camera

and I will say it was delicious

because if you get rid of the Swiss demon

who has ruined the sport I love

this stuff will taste like fucking champagne!