FIFA. The organisation that sounds the most like the name of a purse dog
It's not Fi-Fi, it's FI-FA!
You may remember last year we examined what an appaling organisation FIFA is.
Treating countries that host the world cup like cash-machines
practically imposing their own rule of law
generating billions of dollars and yet somehow remaining a non-profit.
Now despite being almost the dictionary-definition of corruption
they've escaped any significant prosecution for decades.
But that all ended on wednesday.
"High-ranking officials from FIFA - the sports governing body -
arrested in an overnight raid in Switzerland.
The result of a sweeping FBI investigation."
I don't know what I'm more surprised by
That FIFA officials were actually arrested
or that America was behind it.
It took the country that cares the least about football
to bring down the people who've been ruining it.
That's.. that's like finding out that Ke$ha
arrested a group of bankers involved in commodities fraud.
Wow Ke$ha, I actually did not think this was an interest of yours.
Well, you've been undeniably effective. Tenacious prosecution, K!
It's not just the fact of the arrests
that was spectacular
it's how they were carried out.
"We saw several of those FIFA officials
led from the hotel.
I think it was the hotel staff trying to protect
their appearance if not their dignity
with white hotel sheets."
Oh. That is perfect because hotel sheets
are very much like FIFA officials.
They really should be clean
but they're actually unspeakably filthy
and deep down everybody knows that.
Essentially the US government
has accused FIFA officials of soliciting
$150M in bribes and kickbacks
in forms ranging from cash in a briefcase
to an expensive painting which to be fair
is unexpectedly classy corruption for sports executives.
Because if you wanted to bribe Roger Goodell
all you'd really need is a cardboard-box
filled with old playboys.
Apparently the big breakthrough
came when the IRS caught Chuck Blazer.
A corrupt American FIFA official
and actual bad santa.
For many years Blazer didn't even file a tax return
which was a little suspicious
considering the lifestyle he lived.
"His criminal activity, finance and opulent lifestyle
that included a luxury appartement in New York's Trump Tower
for the use of his cats."
WOOOW! None of us
know what aloof really means
until we meet a cat that has
his own appartement in Trump Tower.
He probably doesn't even lick himself
he just uses the on-site dry cleaning.
Now Blazer became an FBI informant
and with his help the US government
managed to produce a 164 page indictment
which I genuinly recommend you read
because it's amazing!
Let me give you just a taste.
For instance: It alleges that former FIFA vice president
Jack Warner tried to help buy votes
with envelopes containing $40K in cash.
And when someone objected, he said:
"If you're pious, open a church, friends.
Our business is our business."
Which is not just awful
it's factually incorrect!
Because opening a church is a fantastic way
to make a shit-ton of money.
That's just a fact!
And if you need any more proof
that Jack Warner could not give
less of a fuck, listen to this:
After he was arrested, he left jail
in an ambulance claiming exhaustion.
Exhaustion that he then recovered from
miraculously quickly.
"Hours after he was released from jail
the former FIFA exec turned politician
was defiant as he adressed a rally."
"♪ Every little thing's gonna be alright ♪"
THAT is cocky. Denying any involvement
while singing 'every little thing's gonna be alright'
As songs go, that's a little on the nose.
I guess we're just lucky that he didn't go with
'Got your Money' by Ol' Dirty Bastard.
Which come to think of it are three words
that describe Jack Warner perfectly.
But the cherry on top of all of this
is a video Jack Warner released just today
where he suggested that this was all
a conspiracy, bringing hard proof
in the form of a newspaper article
stating that FIFA was trying to placate the US
by giving them an extra world cup this year:
"FIFA has frantically announced 2015
this year.... an olympic final in the world cup
begin May 27th. If the FIFA is so bad
why is it the USA wants to keep the FIFA WC?"
And let's be fair, he's right
FIFA giving the US an extra world cup
is comically ridiculous. It's the sort of thing
you'd usually see in an 'Onion'-article
which it turns out was exactly
what he was holding up there.
And it says something.. it says something
about how corrupt FIFA is
that one of their ex-vice presidents
could look at that story and think
'Yeah, that sounds like something they might do.'
But maybe the most remarkable thing
about all of the charges is
that they didn't touch Sepp Blatter
who's been president of FIFA
for the last 17 years.
Now on his watch the world cup
has left a trail of devastation.
Just last year Brazil spent billions of dollars
on massive new stadiums
to host the World Cup.
Stadiums which have met a predictable fate:
"These days there's very little football
being played at the world's 2nd most expensive stadium.
In fact it mostly stays empty.
After hosting less than a handful of matches
during last years World Cup
it's never been filled again.
Today it serves mainly as a parking lot
for these buses."
You have to give them credit
FIFA literally went into Brazil
paved paradise and put up a parking lot.
But that is just a drop in the ocean
of what has happened on Blatter's watch.
Just look at what's gonna happen next Saturday
when the Women's World Cup starts.
Blatter has previously suggested
raising the popularity of women's soccer
by saying: 'They could, for example
have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty.'
And it is rare to find a non-fired boss
who will openly say: 'I would like
to make it easier for me
to masturbate to my employees.'
And as you'll see next week
that is pretty much the full extent of Blatter's care
for female players' legs.
"Every game will be played
- for the first time in history -
on artificial turf.
Many US team members are livid.
'There is a gender inequality issue.
Nooo chance would the men ever play
a World Cup on artificial turf.'
Leroux recently posted pictures
of skin burns she says were caused by turf."
Holy shit. The last time an athlete's legs
were beaten up that badly in advance
of a major competition it was because
Tonya Harding was unwilling to settle for silver.
But no decision Blatter has overseen
is more questionable than the 2022 WC
being awarded to Qatar.
Because not only will the conditions
be terrible to play in
but the number of migrant workers
that have died in Qatar
since the Cup was announced
has been staggering.
"Now the numbers are difficult to pin down
but a report by the international
Trade Union Confederation
for example has estimated 1,200 deaths so far
with up to 4,000 additional worker deaths by 2022."
Now even if all those are not directly
related to the World Cup, those are still
natural disaster numbers.
Weather services should start issuing
FIFA warnings: 'A stadium is being planned
in your area. Evacuate immediately!'
And you would think all this
might cost Sepp Blatter his job
and on friday he was actually up for re-election
as FIFA's president and offered
a pretty terrible defence for himself.
"I know many people hold me
ultimately responsible for the actions
and reputation of the global football community
[...] we or I cannot monitor everyone
all of the time."
THAT is weak! You are basically
Charles Manson saying:
'Listen, I've got a big family.
I don't now what squeaky
get's up to half the time.'
And by this point, having learned
what you know about FIFA
you have no right to be surprised
by the result of friday's election.
"With all eyes on FIFA,
the most powerful man in football,
Sepp Blatter has won a fifth term
as president of that organisation."
COME ON. He presided over
the worst fiasco in their history.
It's like a Sony executive greenlighting
a sequel in the middle of watching 'ALOHA'
'This is absolutely terrible and
I need to make sure there's more of it.'
We'll call it 'ALOHA 2 - This time we mean the other meaning'
Blatter's reelection was absolutely
a foregone conclusion.
Everyone knew this was coming.
And I can explain why.
All 209 members in FIFA
get a single vote for president.
And a lot of those smaller members
have a financial interest in keeping
things exactly as they are.
"All share equally the profits from the World Cup
regardless of size or soccer prowess.
'Liechtenstein get's as much money as Germany,
Andorra get's as much money as Spain
and Montserrat get's as much money as the US.' "
That's right, the US gets the same share as Montserrat.
Which A isn't even a country,
and B has a population of less than 6,000.
So America, a country with a population
of 320,000,000 gets just as much
as an island with the headcount matching that
of a slightly overbooked Carribean cruise.
And that's why under FIFA's system
leadership never changes.
Their elections are such a joke
that 4 years ago Blatter ran unopposed.
This was the actual ballot paper from that year.
And they should at least have added
a second box, so your options were
'Vote Blatter' or 'Go fuck yourself'
And the problem is all the arrests in the world
are gonna change nothing
as long as Blatter is still there.
Because to truly kill a snake
you must cut of its head
or in this case, its arsehole!
But if America keeps driving this investigation.
- This is important -
If America keeps driving this investigation
and actually finds something to indict him
I don't think you understand how much
that would mean to everyone on earth.
The whole worlds opinion of America
would change overnight.
Let me put this in terms you might understand:
If the Dutch somehow found a reason
to extradite and lock up Donald Trump
you would think: 'Holy shit
the Dutch are awesome. The Dutch are am...
What a country!'
That is what is on the table for you, America.
And if you won't do it
the last hope to get rid of him
is in the hands of the only group
even more powerful than
World governments.
"Right now he's being backed because the money
is still flowing in. The second Nike says goodbye
or the second VISA says goodbye
or the second Adidas or Coca Cola or Budweiser!?
I guarantee you, the heads will not have
the support they currently enjoy."
Exactly. Barring an indictment
the only people with the power
to get rid of Sepp Blatter are
FIFA's sponsors. These companies.
And I would like to make a plea to them tonight:
"Please make Sepp Blatter go away.
I will do anything.
Adidas. I will wear one of your ugly shoes.
One of these shoes! That make me look
like the greek god of aspiring D-Days.
McDonalds. I will take a bite out of
every item on your $1 menu
which tastes like normal food
that was cursed by a vindictive wizard.
And I will even make the ultimate sacrifice.
Budweiser. If you pull your support
and help get rid of Blatter
I will put my mouth where my mouth is
and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items.
I'm serious. It can be a Bud light
I will even drink a Bud light lime.
Despite the fact that all the lime in the world
cannot disguise the fact
that this tastes like a puddle
beneath a Long John Silver's dumpster.
But I will do it. I will drink one
maintaining eye contact with the camera
and I will say it was delicious
because if you get rid of the Swiss demon
who has ruined the sport I love
this stuff will taste like fucking champagne!