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How changing your story can change your life

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    So I'm going to talk
    about photosynthesis today.
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    No, I'm actually not going to talk
    about photosynthesis,
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    I'm the only non-DuPont person here,
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    and I thought I should try
    to be a little sciency.
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    It's all I've got -- Krebs cycle,
    molecules, I don't know.
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    (Laughter)
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    I'm going to start
    by telling you about an email
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    that I saw in my inbox recently.
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    Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox,
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    because I'm a therapist
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    and I write an advice column
    called "Dear Therapist,"
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    so you can imagine what's in there.
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    I mean, I've read thousands
    of very personal letters
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    from strangers all over the world.
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    And these letters range
    from heartbreak and loss,
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    to spats with parents or siblings.
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    I keep them in a folder on my laptop,
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    and I've named it
    "The Problems of Living."
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    So, I get this email,
    I get lots of emails just like this,
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    and I want to bring you
    into my world for a second
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    and read you one of these letters.
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    And here's how it goes.
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    "Dear Therapist,
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    I've been married for 10 years
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    and things were good
    until a couple of years ago.
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    That's when my husband
    stopped wanting to have sex as much,
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    and now we barely have sex at all."
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    I'm sure you guys were not expecting this.
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    (Laughter)
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    "Well, last night, I discovered
    that for the past few months,
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    he's been secretly having
    long, late-night phone calls
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    with a woman at his office.
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    I googled her, and she's gorgeous.
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    I can't believe this is happening.
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    My father had an affair
    with a coworker when I was young,
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    and it broke our family apart.
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    Needless to say, I'm devastated.
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    If I stay in this marriage,
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    I'll never be able
    to trust my husband again.
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    But I don't want to put our kids
    through a divorce,
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    stepmom situation, etc.
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    What should I do?"
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    Well, what do you think she should do?
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    If you got this letter,
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    you might be thinking
    about how painful infidelity is.
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    Or maybe about how especially
    painful it is here,
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    because of her experience
    growing up with her father.
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    And like me, you'd probably
    have some empathy for this woman,
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    and you might even have some,
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    how should I put this nicely,
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    let's just call them "not-so-positive"
    feelings for her husband.
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    Now, those are the kinds of things
    that go through my mind too,
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    when I'm reading
    these letters in my inbox.
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    But I have to be really careful
    when I respond to these letters,
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    because I know that every letter I get
    is actually just a story
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    written by a specific author.
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    And that another version
    of this story also exists.
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    It always does.
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    And I know this,
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    because if I've learned
    anything as a therapist,
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    it's that we are all unreliable
    narrators of our own lives.
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    I am.
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    You are.
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    And so is everyone you know.
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    Which I probably shouldn't have told you,
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    because now you're not
    going to believe my TED talk.
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    Look, I don't mean
    that we purposely mislead.
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    Most of what people tell me
    is absolutely true,
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    just from their current points of view.
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    Depending on what
    they emphasize or minimize,
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    what they leave in, what they leave out,
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    what they see and want me to see,
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    they tell their stories
    in a particular way.
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    The psychologist Jerome Bruner
    described this beautifully -- he said,
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    "To tell a story is, inescapably,
    to take a moral stance."
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    All of us walk around
    with stories about our lives.
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    Why choices were made,
    why things went wrong,
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    why we treated someone a certain way --
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    because obviously, they deserved it --
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    why someone treated us a certain way --
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    even though, obviously, we didn't.
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    Stories are the way
    we make sense of our lives.
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    But what happens when the stories we tell
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    are misleading or incomplete
    or just wrong?
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    Well, instead of providing clarity,
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    these stories keep us stuck.
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    We assume that our circumstances
    shape our stories.
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    But what I found time and again in my work
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    is that the exact opposite happens.
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    The way we narrate our lives
    shapes what they become.
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    That's the danger of our stories,
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    because they can really mess us up,
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    but it's also their power.
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    Because what it means
    is that if we can change our stories,
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    then we can change our lives.
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    And today, I want to show you how.
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    Now, I told you I'm a therapist,
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    and I really am, I'm not being
    an unreliable narrator.
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    But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane,
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    and someone asks what I do,
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    I usually say I'm an editor.
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    And I say that partly
    because if I say I'm a therapist,
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    I always get some awkward response, like,
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    "Oh, a therapist.
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    Are you going to psychoanalyze me?"
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    And I'm thinking, "A -- no,
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    and B -- why would I do that here?
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    If I said I was a gynecologist,
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    would you ask if I were
    about to give you a pelvic exam?"
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    (Laughter)
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    But the main reason I say I'm an editor
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    is because it's true.
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    Now, it's the job of all therapists
    to help people edit,
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    but what's interesting
    about my specific role as Dear Therapist
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    is that when I edit,
    I'm not just editing for one person.
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    I'm trying to teach a whole group
    of readers how to edit,
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    using one letter each week as the example.
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    So I'm thinking about things like,
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    "What material is extraneous?"
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    "Is the protagonist moving forward
    or going in circles,
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    are the supporting characters important
    or are they a distraction?"
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    "Do the plot points reveal a theme?"
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    And what I've noticed
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    is that most people's stories
    tend to circle around two key themes.
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    The first is freedom,
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    and the second is change.
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    And when I edit,
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    those are the themes that I start with.
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    So, let's take a loot
    at freedom for a second.
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    Our stories about freedom go like this:
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    We believe, in general,
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    that we have an enormous
    amount of freedom.
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    Except when it comes
    to the problem at hand,
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    in which case suddenly,
    we feel like we have none.
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    Many of our stories
    are about feeling trapped, right?
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    We feel imprisoned
    by our families, our jobs,
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    our relationships, our pasts.
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    Sometimes, we even imprison ourselves
    with a narrative of self-flagellation --
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    I know you guys all know these stories.
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    The "everyone's life
    is better than mine" story,
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    courtesy of social media.
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    The "I'm an impostor" story,
    the "I'm unlovable" story,
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    the "nothing will ever
    work out for me" story.
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    The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, '
    and she doesn't answer,
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    that means she hates me" story.
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    I see you, see, I'm not the only one.
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    The woman who wrote me that letter,
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    she also feels trapped.
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    If she stays with her husband,
    she'll never trust him again,
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    but if she leaves,
    her children will suffer.
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    Now, there's a cartoon
    that I think is a perfect example
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    of what's really going on
    in these stories.
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    The cartoon shows a prisoner
    shaking the bars,
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    desperately trying to get out.
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    But on the right and the left, it's open.
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    No bars.
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    The prisoner isn't in jail.
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    That's most of us.
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    We feel completely trapped,
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    stuck in our emotional jail cells.
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    But we don't walk
    around the bars to freedom,
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    because we know there's a catch.
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    Freedom comes with responsibility.
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    And if we take responsibility
    for our role in the story,
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    we might just have to change.
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    And that's the other common theme
    that I see in our stories, change.
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    Those stories sound like this:
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    a person says, "I want to change."
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    But what they really mean is
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    "I want another character
    in the story to change."
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    Therapists describe this dilemma as:
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    "If the queen had balls,
    she'd be the king."
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    I mean --
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    (Laughter)
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    It makes no sense, right?
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    Why wouldn't we want the protagonist,
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    who's the hero of the story, to change?
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    Well, it might be because change,
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    even really positive change,
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    involves a surprising amount of loss.
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    Loss of the familiar.
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    Even if the familiar is unpleasant
    or utterly miserable,
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    at least we know the characters
    and setting and plot,
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    right down to the recurring
    dialogue in this story.
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    "You never do the laundry!"
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    "I did it last time!"
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    "Oh, yeah? When?"
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    There's something oddly comforting
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    about knowing exactly
    how the story is going to go
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    every single time.
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    To write a new chapter
    is to venture into the unknown.
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    It's to stare at a blank page.
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    And as any writer will tell you,
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    there's nothing more terrifying
    than a blank page.
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    But here's the thing.
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    Once we edit our story,
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    the next chapter
    becomes much easier to write.
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    We talk so much in our culture
    about getting to know ourselves.
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    But part of getting to know yourself
    is to unknow yourself.
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    To let go of the one version of the story
    you've been telling yourself
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    so that you can live your life,
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    and not the story
    that you've been telling yourself
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    about your life.
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    And that's how we walk around those bars.
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    So I want to go back to the letter
    from the woman, about the affair.
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    She asked me what she should do.
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    Now, I have this word
    taped up in my office:
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    ultracrepidarianism.
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    The habit of giving advice or opinions
    outside of one's knowledge or competence.
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    It's a great word, right?
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    You can use it in all different contexts,
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    I'm sure you will be using it
    after this TED talk.
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    I use it because it reminds me
    that as a therapist,
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    I can help people to sort out
    what they want to do,
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    but I can't make
    their life choices for them.
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    Only you can write your story,
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    and all you need are some tools.
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    So what I want to do,
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    is I want to edit this woman's letter
    together, right here,
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    as a way to show
    how we can all revise our stories.
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    And I want to start by asking you
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    to think of a story
    that you're telling yourself right now
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    that might not be serving you well.
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    It might be about a circumstance
    you're experiencing,
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    it might be about a person in your life,
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    it might even be about yourself.
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    And I want you to look
    at the supporting characters.
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    Who are the people who are helping you
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    to uphold the wrong version of this story?
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    For instance, if the woman
    who wrote me that letter
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    told her friends what happened,
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    they would probably offer her
    what's called "idiot compassion."
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    Now, in idiot compassion,
    we go along with the story,
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    we say, "You're right, that's so unfair,"
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    when a friend tells us that he didn't
    get the promotion he wanted,
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    even though we know this has happened
    several times before,
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    because he doesn't really
    put in the effort,
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    and he probably
    also steals office supplies.
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    (Laughter)
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    We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk,"
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    when a friend tells us
    that her boyfriend broke up with her,
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    even though we know
    that there are certain ways
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    she tends to behave in relationships,
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    like the incessant texting
    or the going through his drawers,
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    that tend to lead to this outcome.
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    We see the problem, it's like,
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    if a fight breaks out
    in every bar you're going to,
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    it might be you.
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    (Laughter)
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    In order to be good editors,
    we need to offer wise compassion,
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    not just to our friends, but to ourselves.
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    This is what's called --
    I think the technical term might be --
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    "delivering compassionate truth bombs."
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    And these truth bombs are compassionate,
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    because they help us to see
    what we've left out of the story.
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    The truth is,
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    we don't know if this woman's husband
    is having an affair,
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    or why their sex life
    changed two years ago,
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    or what those late-night
    phone calls are really about.
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    And it might be
    that because of her history,
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    she's writing a singular
    story of betrayal,
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    but there's probably something else
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    that she's not willing
    to let me, in her letter,
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    or maybe even herself, to see.
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    It's like that guy
    who's taking a Rorschach test.
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    You all know what Rorschach tests are?
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    A psychologist shows you some ink blots,
    they look like that,
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    and asks, "What do you see?"
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    So the guy looks
    at his ink blot and he says,
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    "Well, I definitely don't see blood."
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    And the examiner says,
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    "Alright, tell me what else
    you definitely don't see."
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    In writing, this is called point of view.
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    What is the narrator not willing to see?
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    So, I want to read you one more letter.
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    And it goes like this.
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    "Dear Therapist,
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    I need help with my wife.
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    Lately, everything I do irritates her,
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    even small things, like the noise
    I make when I chew.
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    At breakfast,
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    I noticed that she even tries
    to secretly put extra milk in my granola
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    so it won't be as crunchy."
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    (Laughter)
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    "I feel like she became critical of me
    after my father died two years ago.
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    I was very close with him,
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    and her father left when she was young,
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    so she couldn't relate
    to what I was going through.
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    There's a friend at work
    whose father died a few months ago,
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    and who understand my grief.
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    I wish I could talk to my wife
    like I talk to my friend,
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    but I feel like she barely
    tolerates me now.
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    How can I get my wife back?"
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    OK.
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    So, what you probably picked up on
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    is that this is the same story
    I read you earlier,
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    just told from another
    narrator's point of view.
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    Her story was about
    a husband who's cheating,
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    his story is about a wife
    who can't understand his grief.
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    But what's remarkable,
    is that for all of their differences,
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    what both of these stories are about
    is a longing for connection.
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    And if we can get out
    of the first person narration
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    and write the story
    from another character's perspective,
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    suddenly that other character
    becomes much more sympathetic,
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    and the plot opens up.
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    That's the hardest step
    in the editing process,
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    but it's also where change begins.
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    What would happen
    if you looked at your story
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    and wrote it from another
    person's point of view?
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    What would you see now
    from this wider perspective?
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    That's why, when I see people
    who are depressed,
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    I sometimes say,
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    "You are not the best person
    to talk to you about you right now,"
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    because depression distorts our stories
    in a very particular way.
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    It narrows our perspectives.
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    The same is true when we feel
    lonely or hurt or rejected.
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    We create all kinds of stories,
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    distorted through a very narrow lens
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    that we don't even know
    we're looking through.
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    And then, we've effectively become
    our own fake-news broadcasters.
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    I have a confession to make.
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    I wrote the husband's version
    of the letter I read you.
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    You have no idea how much time I spent
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    debating between granola
    and pita chips, by the way.
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    I wrote it based on all
    of the alternative narratives
  • 13:30 - 13:32
    that I've seen over the years,
  • 13:32 - 13:35
    not just in my therapy practice,
    but also in my column.
  • 13:35 - 13:37
    When it's happened
  • 13:37 - 13:39
    that two people involved
    in the same situation
  • 13:39 - 13:41
    have written to me,
    unbeknownst to the other,
  • 13:41 - 13:43
    and I have two versions of the same story
  • 13:43 - 13:45
    sitting in my inbox.
  • 13:45 - 13:47
    That really has happened.
  • 13:47 - 13:50
    I don't know what the other version
    of this woman's letter is,
  • 13:50 - 13:52
    but I do know this:
  • 13:52 - 13:53
    she has to write it.
  • 13:54 - 13:56
    Because with a courageous edit,
  • 13:56 - 14:00
    she'll write a much more nuanced version
    of her letter that she wrote to me.
  • 14:00 - 14:02
    Even if her husband
    is having an affair of any kind --
  • 14:02 - 14:04
    and maybe he is --
  • 14:04 - 14:07
    she doesn't need to know
    what the plot is yet.
  • 14:08 - 14:11
    Because just by virtue of doing an edit,
  • 14:11 - 14:14
    she'll have so many more possibilities
    for what the plot can become.
  • 14:15 - 14:18
    Now, sometimes it happens
    that I see people who are really stuck,
  • 14:18 - 14:21
    and they're really invested
    in their stuckness.
  • 14:22 - 14:24
    We call them help-rejecting complainers.
  • 14:24 - 14:26
    I'm sure you know people like this.
  • 14:26 - 14:29
    They are the people who,
    when you try to offer them a suggestion,
  • 14:29 - 14:34
    they reject it with, "Yeah, no,
    that will never work, because ..."
  • 14:34 - 14:38
    "Yeah, no, that's impossible,
    because I can't do that."
  • 14:38 - 14:42
    "Yeah, I really want more friends,
    but people are just so annoying."
  • 14:42 - 14:44
    (Laughter)
  • 14:44 - 14:46
    What they're really rejecting
  • 14:46 - 14:49
    is an edit to their story
    of misery and stuckness.
  • 14:50 - 14:53
    And so, with these people,
    I usually take a different approach.
  • 14:53 - 14:56
    And what I do is I say something else.
  • 14:56 - 14:58
    I say to them,
  • 14:58 - 15:00
    "We're all going to die."
  • 15:00 - 15:03
    I bet you're really glad
    I'm not your therapist right now.
  • 15:04 - 15:05
    Because they look back at me
  • 15:05 - 15:07
    the way you're looking back
    at me right now,
  • 15:07 - 15:09
    with this look of utter confusion.
  • 15:09 - 15:11
    But then I explain that there's a story
  • 15:11 - 15:14
    that gets written
    about all of us, eventually.
  • 15:14 - 15:15
    It's called an obituary.
  • 15:16 - 15:21
    And I say that instead of being
    authors of our own unhappiness,
  • 15:21 - 15:24
    we get to shape these stories
    while we're still alive.
  • 15:25 - 15:27
    We get to be the hero
    and not the victim in our stories,
  • 15:27 - 15:30
    we get to choose what goes on the page
    that lives in our minds
  • 15:30 - 15:32
    and shapes our realities.
  • 15:33 - 15:37
    I tell them that life is about deciding
    which stories to listen to
  • 15:37 - 15:38
    and which ones need an edit.
  • 15:38 - 15:41
    And that it's worth the effort
    to go through a revision,
  • 15:41 - 15:44
    because there's nothing more important
    to the quality of our lives
  • 15:44 - 15:47
    than the stories
    we tell ourselves about them.
  • 15:47 - 15:50
    I say that when it comes
    to the stories of our lives,
  • 15:50 - 15:54
    we should be aiming for our own
    personal Pulitzer Prize.
  • 15:54 - 15:57
    Now, most of us aren't
    help-rejecting complainers,
  • 15:57 - 15:59
    or at least we don't believe we are.
  • 15:59 - 16:02
    But it's a role
    that is so easy to slip into
  • 16:02 - 16:05
    when we feel anxious
    or angry or vulnerable.
  • 16:05 - 16:08
    So the next time
    you're struggling with something,
  • 16:08 - 16:09
    remember,
  • 16:09 - 16:11
    we're all going to die.
  • 16:11 - 16:12
    (Laughter)
  • 16:12 - 16:15
    And then pull out your editing tools
  • 16:15 - 16:16
    and ask yourself,
  • 16:16 - 16:19
    what do I want my story to be?
  • 16:21 - 16:24
    And then, go write your masterpiece.
  • 16:24 - 16:25
    Thank you.
  • 16:25 - 16:28
    (Applause)
Title:
How changing your story can change your life
Speaker:
Lori Gottlieb
Description:

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Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDTalks
Duration:
16:41

English subtitles

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