0:00:01.976,0:00:04.889
So I'm going to talk[br]about photosynthesis today.

0:00:04.913,0:00:07.539
No, I'm actually not going to talk[br]about photosynthesis,

0:00:07.563,0:00:09.278
I'm the only non-DuPont person here,

0:00:09.302,0:00:11.649
and I thought I should try[br]to be a little sciency.

0:00:11.673,0:00:14.445
It's all I've got -- Krebs cycle,[br]molecules, I don't know.

0:00:14.469,0:00:15.619
(Laughter)

0:00:16.450,0:00:18.712
I'm going to start[br]by telling you about an email

0:00:18.736,0:00:20.545
that I saw in my inbox recently.

0:00:20.919,0:00:23.744
Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox,

0:00:23.768,0:00:25.204
because I'm a therapist

0:00:25.228,0:00:28.672
and I write an advice column[br]called "Dear Therapist,"

0:00:28.696,0:00:31.140
so you can imagine what's in there.

0:00:31.164,0:00:35.395
I mean, I've read thousands[br]of very personal letters

0:00:35.419,0:00:37.685
from strangers all over the world.

0:00:38.132,0:00:40.425
And these letters range[br]from heartbreak and loss,

0:00:40.449,0:00:42.799
to spats with parents or siblings.

0:00:42.823,0:00:45.224
I keep them in a folder on my laptop,

0:00:45.248,0:00:47.981
and I've named it[br]"The Problems of Living."

0:00:48.005,0:00:51.410
So, I get this email,[br]I get lots of emails just like this,

0:00:51.434,0:00:53.792
and I want to bring you[br]into my world for a second

0:00:53.816,0:00:56.045
and read you one of these letters.

0:00:56.069,0:00:57.603
And here's how it goes.

0:01:02.275,0:01:04.052
"Dear Therapist,

0:01:04.076,0:01:05.513
I've been married for 10 years

0:01:05.537,0:01:08.219
and things were good[br]until a couple of years ago.

0:01:08.243,0:01:11.014
That's when my husband[br]stopped wanting to have sex as much,

0:01:11.038,0:01:12.887
and now we barely have sex at all."

0:01:12.911,0:01:14.926
I'm sure you guys were not expecting this.

0:01:14.950,0:01:15.951
(Laughter)

0:01:15.975,0:01:19.214
"Well, last night, I discovered[br]that for the past few months,

0:01:19.238,0:01:21.779
he's been secretly having[br]long, late-night phone calls

0:01:21.803,0:01:23.569
with a woman at his office.

0:01:23.593,0:01:26.049
I googled her, and she's gorgeous.

0:01:26.073,0:01:27.867
I can't believe this is happening.

0:01:27.891,0:01:30.565
My father had an affair[br]with a coworker when I was young,

0:01:30.589,0:01:32.692
and it broke our family apart.

0:01:32.716,0:01:35.081
Needless to say, I'm devastated.

0:01:35.105,0:01:36.442
If I stay in this marriage,

0:01:36.466,0:01:38.577
I'll never be able[br]to trust my husband again.

0:01:38.601,0:01:40.990
But I don't want to put our kids[br]through a divorce,

0:01:41.014,0:01:42.855
stepmom situation, etc.

0:01:42.879,0:01:44.079
What should I do?"

0:01:46.320,0:01:49.478
Well, what do you think she should do?

0:01:50.304,0:01:51.542
If you got this letter,

0:01:51.566,0:01:55.034
you might be thinking[br]about how painful infidelity is.

0:01:55.379,0:01:58.514
Or maybe about how especially[br]painful it is here,

0:01:58.538,0:02:01.204
because of her experience[br]growing up with her father.

0:02:01.617,0:02:04.479
And like me, you'd probably[br]have some empathy for this woman,

0:02:04.503,0:02:05.915
and you might even have some,

0:02:05.939,0:02:07.383
how should I put this nicely,

0:02:07.407,0:02:10.661
let's just call them "not-so-positive"[br]feelings for her husband.

0:02:10.685,0:02:13.641
Now, those are the kinds of things[br]that go through my mind too,

0:02:13.665,0:02:15.673
when I'm reading[br]these letters in my inbox.

0:02:15.697,0:02:18.776
But I have to be really careful[br]when I respond to these letters,

0:02:18.800,0:02:22.775
because I know that every letter I get[br]is actually just a story

0:02:22.799,0:02:24.727
written by a specific author.

0:02:24.751,0:02:27.799
And that another version[br]of this story also exists.

0:02:27.823,0:02:29.243
It always does.

0:02:29.743,0:02:30.903
And I know this,

0:02:30.927,0:02:33.179
because if I've learned[br]anything as a therapist,

0:02:33.203,0:02:36.534
it's that we are all unreliable[br]narrators of our own lives.

0:02:36.883,0:02:38.033
I am.

0:02:38.550,0:02:39.700
You are.

0:02:40.074,0:02:42.307
And so is everyone you know.

0:02:42.331,0:02:44.291
Which I probably shouldn't have told you,

0:02:44.315,0:02:46.799
because now you're not[br]going to believe my TED talk.

0:02:46.823,0:02:49.188
Look, I don't mean[br]that we purposely mislead.

0:02:49.212,0:02:52.324
Most of what people tell me[br]is absolutely true,

0:02:52.348,0:02:54.609
just from their current points of view.

0:02:54.633,0:02:57.061
Depending on what[br]they emphasize or minimize,

0:02:57.085,0:02:58.994
what they leave in, what they leave out,

0:02:59.018,0:03:01.034
what they see and want me to see,

0:03:01.058,0:03:03.732
they tell their stories[br]in a particular way.

0:03:03.756,0:03:06.995
The psychologist Jerome Bruner[br]described this beautifully -- he said,

0:03:07.019,0:03:11.178
"To tell a story is, inescapably,[br]to take a moral stance."

0:03:11.543,0:03:14.178
All of us walk around[br]with stories about our lives.

0:03:14.202,0:03:16.638
Why choices were made,[br]why things went wrong,

0:03:16.662,0:03:18.535
why we treated someone a certain way --

0:03:18.559,0:03:20.552
because obviously, they deserved it --

0:03:20.576,0:03:22.514
why someone treated us a certain way --

0:03:22.538,0:03:24.276
even though, obviously, we didn't.

0:03:24.300,0:03:27.252
Stories are the way[br]we make sense of our lives.

0:03:27.276,0:03:29.966
But what happens when the stories we tell

0:03:29.990,0:03:33.513
are misleading or incomplete[br]or just wrong?

0:03:34.506,0:03:36.186
Well, instead of providing clarity,

0:03:36.210,0:03:38.068
these stories keep us stuck.

0:03:38.092,0:03:41.314
We assume that our circumstances[br]shape our stories.

0:03:41.807,0:03:43.840
But what I found time and again in my work

0:03:43.864,0:03:45.815
is that the exact opposite happens.

0:03:45.839,0:03:49.434
The way we narrate our lives[br]shapes what they become.

0:03:50.566,0:03:52.145
That's the danger of our stories,

0:03:52.169,0:03:53.851
because they can really mess us up,

0:03:53.875,0:03:55.121
but it's also their power.

0:03:55.145,0:03:58.129
Because what it means[br]is that if we can change our stories,

0:03:58.153,0:04:00.208
then we can change our lives.

0:04:00.232,0:04:02.129
And today, I want to show you how.

0:04:03.201,0:04:05.034
Now, I told you I'm a therapist,

0:04:05.058,0:04:07.931
and I really am, I'm not being[br]an unreliable narrator.

0:04:07.955,0:04:10.161
But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane,

0:04:10.185,0:04:12.066
and someone asks what I do,

0:04:12.090,0:04:14.214
I usually say I'm an editor.

0:04:14.594,0:04:17.166
And I say that partly[br]because if I say I'm a therapist,

0:04:17.190,0:04:20.174
I always get some awkward response, like,

0:04:20.198,0:04:21.873
"Oh, a therapist.

0:04:21.897,0:04:24.045
Are you going to psychoanalyze me?"

0:04:24.069,0:04:25.633
And I'm thinking, "A -- no,

0:04:25.657,0:04:28.061
and B -- why would I do that here?

0:04:28.085,0:04:29.585
If I said I was a gynecologist,

0:04:29.609,0:04:32.276
would you ask if I were[br]about to give you a pelvic exam?"

0:04:32.300,0:04:34.275
(Laughter)

0:04:34.784,0:04:37.046
But the main reason I say I'm an editor

0:04:37.070,0:04:38.594
is because it's true.

0:04:38.618,0:04:41.299
Now, it's the job of all therapists[br]to help people edit,

0:04:41.323,0:04:44.433
but what's interesting[br]about my specific role as Dear Therapist

0:04:44.457,0:04:47.148
is that when I edit,[br]I'm not just editing for one person.

0:04:47.172,0:04:49.846
I'm trying to teach a whole group[br]of readers how to edit,

0:04:49.870,0:04:51.878
using one letter each week as the example.

0:04:51.902,0:04:53.545
So I'm thinking about things like,

0:04:53.569,0:04:55.347
"What material is extraneous?"

0:04:55.371,0:04:58.617
"Is the protagonist moving forward[br]or going in circles,

0:04:58.641,0:05:01.784
are the supporting characters important[br]or are they a distraction?"

0:05:01.808,0:05:03.941
"Do the plot points reveal a theme?"

0:05:04.276,0:05:05.831
And what I've noticed

0:05:05.855,0:05:09.855
is that most people's stories[br]tend to circle around two key themes.

0:05:09.879,0:05:11.355
The first is freedom,

0:05:11.379,0:05:13.156
and the second is change.

0:05:13.180,0:05:14.410
And when I edit,

0:05:14.434,0:05:16.526
those are the themes that I start with.

0:05:16.550,0:05:19.248
So, let's take a loot[br]at freedom for a second.

0:05:19.272,0:05:22.026
Our stories about freedom go like this:

0:05:22.050,0:05:23.915
We believe, in general,

0:05:23.939,0:05:27.327
that we have an enormous[br]amount of freedom.

0:05:27.894,0:05:29.974
Except when it comes[br]to the problem at hand,

0:05:29.998,0:05:32.498
in which case suddenly,[br]we feel like we have none.

0:05:32.522,0:05:35.180
Many of our stories[br]are about feeling trapped, right?

0:05:35.204,0:05:37.679
We feel imprisoned[br]by our families, our jobs,

0:05:37.703,0:05:39.815
our relationships, our pasts.

0:05:40.176,0:05:43.843
Sometimes, we even imprison ourselves[br]with a narrative of self-flagellation --

0:05:43.867,0:05:45.756
I know you guys all know these stories.

0:05:45.780,0:05:48.029
The "everyone's life[br]is better than mine" story,

0:05:48.053,0:05:49.299
courtesy of social media.

0:05:49.323,0:05:51.895
The "I'm an impostor" story,[br]the "I'm unlovable" story,

0:05:51.919,0:05:54.117
the "nothing will ever[br]work out for me" story.

0:05:54.141,0:05:56.678
The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, '[br]and she doesn't answer,

0:05:56.702,0:05:58.219
that means she hates me" story.

0:05:58.243,0:06:00.304
I see you, see, I'm not the only one.

0:06:01.109,0:06:03.014
The woman who wrote me that letter,

0:06:03.038,0:06:04.926
she also feels trapped.

0:06:04.950,0:06:07.799
If she stays with her husband,[br]she'll never trust him again,

0:06:07.823,0:06:10.228
but if she leaves,[br]her children will suffer.

0:06:10.617,0:06:13.497
Now, there's a cartoon[br]that I think is a perfect example

0:06:13.521,0:06:16.045
of what's really going on[br]in these stories.

0:06:16.069,0:06:18.475
The cartoon shows a prisoner[br]shaking the bars,

0:06:18.499,0:06:20.521
desperately trying to get out.

0:06:20.545,0:06:22.736
But on the right and the left, it's open.

0:06:22.760,0:06:24.521
No bars.

0:06:24.545,0:06:26.751
The prisoner isn't in jail.

0:06:27.554,0:06:28.729
That's most of us.

0:06:28.753,0:06:30.356
We feel completely trapped,

0:06:30.380,0:06:32.475
stuck in our emotional jail cells.

0:06:32.499,0:06:34.618
But we don't walk[br]around the bars to freedom,

0:06:34.642,0:06:36.776
because we know there's a catch.

0:06:36.800,0:06:39.066
Freedom comes with responsibility.

0:06:39.379,0:06:43.228
And if we take responsibility[br]for our role in the story,

0:06:43.252,0:06:45.371
we might just have to change.

0:06:45.395,0:06:48.633
And that's the other common theme[br]that I see in our stories, change.

0:06:48.657,0:06:50.133
Those stories sound like this:

0:06:50.157,0:06:52.363
a person says, "I want to change."

0:06:52.387,0:06:54.354
But what they really mean is

0:06:54.378,0:06:57.601
"I want another character[br]in the story to change."

0:06:58.053,0:06:59.783
Therapists describe this dilemma as:

0:06:59.807,0:07:02.315
"If the queen had balls,[br]she'd be the king."

0:07:02.339,0:07:03.498
I mean --

0:07:03.522,0:07:04.522
(Laughter)

0:07:04.546,0:07:06.450
It makes no sense, right?

0:07:07.500,0:07:09.484
Why wouldn't we want the protagonist,

0:07:09.508,0:07:11.913
who's the hero of the story, to change?

0:07:11.937,0:07:13.564
Well, it might be because change,

0:07:13.588,0:07:15.318
even really positive change,

0:07:15.342,0:07:17.934
involves a surprising amount of loss.

0:07:17.958,0:07:19.569
Loss of the familiar.

0:07:19.593,0:07:22.926
Even if the familiar is unpleasant[br]or utterly miserable,

0:07:22.950,0:07:25.434
at least we know the characters[br]and setting and plot,

0:07:25.458,0:07:27.871
right down to the recurring[br]dialogue in this story.

0:07:27.895,0:07:29.213
"You never do the laundry!"

0:07:29.237,0:07:30.450
"I did it last time!"

0:07:30.474,0:07:31.638
"Oh, yeah? When?"

0:07:31.662,0:07:33.393
There's something oddly comforting

0:07:33.417,0:07:35.767
about knowing exactly[br]how the story is going to go

0:07:35.791,0:07:37.243
every single time.

0:07:37.747,0:07:41.263
To write a new chapter[br]is to venture into the unknown.

0:07:41.287,0:07:43.493
It's to stare at a blank page.

0:07:43.517,0:07:45.080
And as any writer will tell you,

0:07:45.104,0:07:47.675
there's nothing more terrifying[br]than a blank page.

0:07:48.053,0:07:49.490
But here's the thing.

0:07:49.514,0:07:51.537
Once we edit our story,

0:07:51.561,0:07:54.695
the next chapter[br]becomes much easier to write.

0:07:55.036,0:07:58.330
We talk so much in our culture[br]about getting to know ourselves.

0:07:58.354,0:08:01.941
But part of getting to know yourself[br]is to unknow yourself.

0:08:01.965,0:08:05.553
To let go of the one version of the story[br]you've been telling yourself

0:08:05.577,0:08:07.403
so that you can live your life,

0:08:07.427,0:08:09.823
and not the story[br]that you've been telling yourself

0:08:09.847,0:08:10.997
about your life.

0:08:11.474,0:08:14.310
And that's how we walk around those bars.

0:08:14.874,0:08:18.215
So I want to go back to the letter[br]from the woman, about the affair.

0:08:18.239,0:08:20.350
She asked me what she should do.

0:08:20.374,0:08:22.823
Now, I have this word[br]taped up in my office:

0:08:22.847,0:08:24.831
ultracrepidarianism.

0:08:24.855,0:08:29.450
The habit of giving advice or opinions[br]outside of one's knowledge or competence.

0:08:29.474,0:08:30.752
It's a great word, right?

0:08:30.776,0:08:32.737
You can use it in all different contexts,

0:08:32.761,0:08:35.172
I'm sure you will be using it[br]after this TED talk.

0:08:35.196,0:08:38.107
I use it because it reminds me[br]that as a therapist,

0:08:38.131,0:08:40.513
I can help people to sort out[br]what they want to do,

0:08:40.537,0:08:43.005
but I can't make[br]their life choices for them.

0:08:43.331,0:08:45.950
Only you can write your story,

0:08:45.974,0:08:48.077
and all you need are some tools.

0:08:48.101,0:08:49.392
So what I want to do,

0:08:49.416,0:08:52.209
is I want to edit this woman's letter[br]together, right here,

0:08:52.233,0:08:55.265
as a way to show[br]how we can all revise our stories.

0:08:55.575,0:08:57.749
And I want to start by asking you

0:08:57.773,0:09:01.209
to think of a story[br]that you're telling yourself right now

0:09:01.233,0:09:03.354
that might not be serving you well.

0:09:03.378,0:09:06.442
It might be about a circumstance[br]you're experiencing,

0:09:06.466,0:09:08.894
it might be about a person in your life,

0:09:08.918,0:09:10.886
it might even be about yourself.

0:09:11.370,0:09:14.302
And I want you to look[br]at the supporting characters.

0:09:14.326,0:09:16.151
Who are the people who are helping you

0:09:16.175,0:09:19.254
to uphold the wrong version of this story?

0:09:19.779,0:09:22.192
For instance, if the woman[br]who wrote me that letter

0:09:22.216,0:09:23.739
told her friends what happened,

0:09:23.763,0:09:26.768
they would probably offer her[br]what's called "idiot compassion."

0:09:26.792,0:09:29.292
Now, in idiot compassion,[br]we go along with the story,

0:09:29.316,0:09:31.672
we say, "You're right, that's so unfair,"

0:09:31.696,0:09:34.807
when a friend tells us that he didn't[br]get the promotion he wanted,

0:09:34.831,0:09:37.602
even though we know this has happened[br]several times before,

0:09:37.626,0:09:39.674
because he doesn't really[br]put in the effort,

0:09:39.698,0:09:41.765
and he probably[br]also steals office supplies.

0:09:41.789,0:09:42.789
(Laughter)

0:09:42.813,0:09:45.359
We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk,"

0:09:45.383,0:09:48.380
when a friend tells us[br]that her boyfriend broke up with her,

0:09:48.404,0:09:50.610
even though we know[br]that there are certain ways

0:09:50.634,0:09:52.418
she tends to behave in relationships,

0:09:52.442,0:09:55.268
like the incessant texting[br]or the going through his drawers,

0:09:55.292,0:09:56.982
that tend to lead to this outcome.

0:09:57.006,0:09:58.656
We see the problem, it's like,

0:09:58.680,0:10:01.085
if a fight breaks out[br]in every bar you're going to,

0:10:01.109,0:10:02.260
it might be you.

0:10:02.284,0:10:04.545
(Laughter)

0:10:04.569,0:10:08.268
In order to be good editors,[br]we need to offer wise compassion,

0:10:08.292,0:10:10.793
not just to our friends, but to ourselves.

0:10:10.817,0:10:13.770
This is what's called --[br]I think the technical term might be --

0:10:13.794,0:10:16.261
"delivering compassionate truth bombs."

0:10:16.601,0:10:18.530
And these truth bombs are compassionate,

0:10:18.554,0:10:21.433
because they help us to see[br]what we've left out of the story.

0:10:21.457,0:10:22.617
The truth is,

0:10:22.641,0:10:25.363
we don't know if this woman's husband[br]is having an affair,

0:10:25.387,0:10:28.135
or why their sex life[br]changed two years ago,

0:10:28.159,0:10:31.286
or what those late-night[br]phone calls are really about.

0:10:31.310,0:10:33.421
And it might be[br]that because of her history,

0:10:33.445,0:10:36.056
she's writing a singular[br]story of betrayal,

0:10:36.080,0:10:37.982
but there's probably something else

0:10:38.006,0:10:40.950
that she's not willing[br]to let me, in her letter,

0:10:40.974,0:10:42.974
or maybe even herself, to see.

0:10:43.720,0:10:46.029
It's like that guy[br]who's taking a Rorschach test.

0:10:46.053,0:10:47.903
You all know what Rorschach tests are?

0:10:47.927,0:10:50.911
A psychologist shows you some ink blots,[br]they look like that,

0:10:50.935,0:10:53.421
and asks, "What do you see?"

0:10:53.864,0:10:56.340
So the guy looks[br]at his ink blot and he says,

0:10:56.364,0:10:59.881
"Well, I definitely don't see blood."

0:11:01.252,0:11:02.911
And the examiner says,

0:11:02.935,0:11:06.389
"Alright, tell me what else[br]you definitely don't see."

0:11:07.199,0:11:09.509
In writing, this is called point of view.

0:11:09.533,0:11:12.286
What is the narrator not willing to see?

0:11:12.310,0:11:15.286
So, I want to read you one more letter.

0:11:16.374,0:11:18.619
And it goes like this.

0:11:20.437,0:11:22.080
"Dear Therapist,

0:11:23.278,0:11:25.174
I need help with my wife.

0:11:25.198,0:11:27.102
Lately, everything I do irritates her,

0:11:27.126,0:11:30.198
even small things, like the noise[br]I make when I chew.

0:11:30.791,0:11:31.974
At breakfast,

0:11:31.998,0:11:35.308
I noticed that she even tries[br]to secretly put extra milk in my granola

0:11:35.332,0:11:36.618
so it won't be as crunchy."

0:11:36.642,0:11:38.022
(Laughter)

0:11:38.046,0:11:42.157
"I feel like she became critical of me[br]after my father died two years ago.

0:11:42.181,0:11:43.459
I was very close with him,

0:11:43.483,0:11:45.371
and her father left when she was young,

0:11:45.395,0:11:47.958
so she couldn't relate[br]to what I was going through.

0:11:47.982,0:11:50.815
There's a friend at work[br]whose father died a few months ago,

0:11:50.839,0:11:52.529
and who understand my grief.

0:11:52.553,0:11:55.641
I wish I could talk to my wife[br]like I talk to my friend,

0:11:55.665,0:11:58.395
but I feel like she barely[br]tolerates me now.

0:11:58.419,0:12:00.285
How can I get my wife back?"

0:12:00.895,0:12:02.045
OK.

0:12:02.538,0:12:04.903
So, what you probably picked up on

0:12:04.927,0:12:07.855
is that this is the same story[br]I read you earlier,

0:12:07.879,0:12:10.450
just told from another[br]narrator's point of view.

0:12:10.474,0:12:12.871
Her story was about[br]a husband who's cheating,

0:12:12.895,0:12:16.243
his story is about a wife[br]who can't understand his grief.

0:12:16.736,0:12:20.054
But what's remarkable,[br]is that for all of their differences,

0:12:20.078,0:12:23.982
what both of these stories are about[br]is a longing for connection.

0:12:24.402,0:12:26.783
And if we can get out[br]of the first person narration

0:12:26.807,0:12:29.529
and write the story[br]from another character's perspective,

0:12:29.553,0:12:32.426
suddenly that other character[br]becomes much more sympathetic,

0:12:32.450,0:12:34.251
and the plot opens up.

0:12:34.919,0:12:37.720
That's the hardest step[br]in the editing process,

0:12:37.744,0:12:40.011
but it's also where change begins.

0:12:40.363,0:12:43.903
What would happen[br]if you looked at your story

0:12:43.927,0:12:46.815
and wrote it from another[br]person's point of view?

0:12:47.244,0:12:50.704
What would you see now[br]from this wider perspective?

0:12:51.568,0:12:53.807
That's why, when I see people[br]who are depressed,

0:12:53.831,0:12:54.982
I sometimes say,

0:12:55.006,0:12:58.125
"You are not the best person[br]to talk to you about you right now,"

0:12:58.149,0:13:01.223
because depression distorts our stories[br]in a very particular way.

0:13:01.247,0:13:02.803
It narrows our perspectives.

0:13:02.827,0:13:06.160
The same is true when we feel[br]lonely or hurt or rejected.

0:13:06.184,0:13:07.803
We create all kinds of stories,

0:13:07.827,0:13:09.606
distorted through a very narrow lens

0:13:09.630,0:13:11.947
that we don't even know[br]we're looking through.

0:13:12.257,0:13:16.011
And then, we've effectively become[br]our own fake-news broadcasters.

0:13:17.059,0:13:18.925
I have a confession to make.

0:13:19.575,0:13:22.593
I wrote the husband's version[br]of the letter I read you.

0:13:22.617,0:13:24.442
You have no idea how much time I spent

0:13:24.466,0:13:26.903
debating between granola[br]and pita chips, by the way.

0:13:26.927,0:13:30.065
I wrote it based on all[br]of the alternative narratives

0:13:30.089,0:13:31.533
that I've seen over the years,

0:13:31.557,0:13:35.276
not just in my therapy practice,[br]but also in my column.

0:13:35.300,0:13:36.537
When it's happened

0:13:36.561,0:13:38.807
that two people involved[br]in the same situation

0:13:38.831,0:13:41.307
have written to me,[br]unbeknownst to the other,

0:13:41.331,0:13:43.323
and I have two versions of the same story

0:13:43.347,0:13:44.680
sitting in my inbox.

0:13:45.123,0:13:46.811
That really has happened.

0:13:47.478,0:13:50.405
I don't know what the other version[br]of this woman's letter is,

0:13:50.429,0:13:51.898
but I do know this:

0:13:51.922,0:13:53.255
she has to write it.

0:13:53.659,0:13:55.704
Because with a courageous edit,

0:13:55.728,0:13:59.530
she'll write a much more nuanced version[br]of her letter that she wrote to me.

0:13:59.554,0:14:02.180
Even if her husband[br]is having an affair of any kind --

0:14:02.204,0:14:03.934
and maybe he is --

0:14:03.958,0:14:07.021
she doesn't need to know[br]what the plot is yet.

0:14:07.673,0:14:10.561
Because just by virtue of doing an edit,

0:14:10.585,0:14:13.897
she'll have so many more possibilities[br]for what the plot can become.

0:14:14.854,0:14:18.409
Now, sometimes it happens[br]that I see people who are really stuck,

0:14:18.433,0:14:21.361
and they're really invested[br]in their stuckness.

0:14:21.703,0:14:24.279
We call them help-rejecting complainers.

0:14:24.303,0:14:25.977
I'm sure you know people like this.

0:14:26.001,0:14:29.057
They are the people who,[br]when you try to offer them a suggestion,

0:14:29.081,0:14:33.930
they reject it with, "Yeah, no,[br]that will never work, because ..."

0:14:34.378,0:14:37.696
"Yeah, no, that's impossible,[br]because I can't do that."

0:14:37.720,0:14:41.926
"Yeah, I really want more friends,[br]but people are just so annoying."

0:14:41.950,0:14:43.998
(Laughter)

0:14:44.022,0:14:45.799
What they're really rejecting

0:14:45.823,0:14:49.223
is an edit to their story[br]of misery and stuckness.

0:14:49.877,0:14:53.091
And so, with these people,[br]I usually take a different approach.

0:14:53.115,0:14:55.774
And what I do is I say something else.

0:14:55.798,0:14:57.805
I say to them,

0:14:57.829,0:14:59.725
"We're all going to die."

0:15:00.411,0:15:03.180
I bet you're really glad[br]I'm not your therapist right now.

0:15:03.633,0:15:04.982
Because they look back at me

0:15:05.006,0:15:07.077
the way you're looking back[br]at me right now,

0:15:07.101,0:15:08.760
with this look of utter confusion.

0:15:08.784,0:15:10.879
But then I explain that there's a story

0:15:10.903,0:15:13.680
that gets written[br]about all of us, eventually.

0:15:13.704,0:15:15.304
It's called an obituary.

0:15:16.180,0:15:20.593
And I say that instead of being[br]authors of our own unhappiness,

0:15:20.617,0:15:23.902
we get to shape these stories[br]while we're still alive.

0:15:24.593,0:15:27.220
We get to be the hero[br]and not the victim in our stories,

0:15:27.244,0:15:30.149
we get to choose what goes on the page[br]that lives in our minds

0:15:30.173,0:15:31.840
and shapes our realities.

0:15:32.673,0:15:36.536
I tell them that life is about deciding[br]which stories to listen to

0:15:36.560,0:15:38.242
and which ones need an edit.

0:15:38.266,0:15:41.282
And that it's worth the effort[br]to go through a revision,

0:15:41.306,0:15:44.472
because there's nothing more important[br]to the quality of our lives

0:15:44.496,0:15:46.680
than the stories[br]we tell ourselves about them.

0:15:46.704,0:15:50.045
I say that when it comes[br]to the stories of our lives,

0:15:50.069,0:15:53.950
we should be aiming for our own[br]personal Pulitzer Prize.

0:15:53.974,0:15:56.843
Now, most of us aren't[br]help-rejecting complainers,

0:15:56.867,0:15:59.220
or at least we don't believe we are.

0:15:59.244,0:16:01.871
But it's a role[br]that is so easy to slip into

0:16:01.895,0:16:05.106
when we feel anxious[br]or angry or vulnerable.

0:16:05.130,0:16:07.693
So the next time[br]you're struggling with something,

0:16:07.717,0:16:09.146
remember,

0:16:09.170,0:16:10.693
we're all going to die.

0:16:10.717,0:16:12.146
(Laughter)

0:16:12.170,0:16:14.678
And then pull out your editing tools

0:16:14.702,0:16:16.321
and ask yourself,

0:16:16.345,0:16:19.297
what do I want my story to be?

0:16:20.506,0:16:23.912
And then, go write your masterpiece.

0:16:24.293,0:16:25.452
Thank you.

0:16:25.476,0:16:28.103
(Applause)