Rejection or regret? Your choice | Jia Jiang | TEDxYouth@Austin

As a teenager in Beijing, Jia Jiang was inspired by a visit from Bill Gates to come to the US, become an entrepreneur and build his own company. All was going well until he hit a financing roadblock, and when he did, he hit it hard! The best way to recover? 100 days of rejection therapy. In this talk, he shares his astonishing journey and the surprising lessons rejection can teach.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx.

Thank you, Louis.

So, rejection and regret.

They both sound pretty awful, don't they?

But I like one a lot better
than the other,

and I'll tell you why.

How many of you had a day in your lives
that something very important happened?

You can still remember it.

Raise your hand.

All of you.

Good.

How many of you remember a day
that nothing happened?

Raise your hand.

Still some of you. Good.

How many of you is 17 years old right now?

Good.

Actually, I'm not.

(Laughter)

But I remember a day
when absolutely nothing happened,

and that's when I was 17 years old.

It was a random morning,

and I was a freshman
at the University of Utah.

I was walking from a dorm room
to my physics class,

and there was a snowstorm
the night before,

and the entire campus
was covered with white.

And as I was walking across
the tennis courts or the soccer fields,

I still remember the (Voo voo) sound
as I was stepping on fresh snow.

I felt good. I felt great.

Just three years prior,
I was in Beijing, China.

Bill Gates came to my hometown,

and ever since, I'd dreamed
[of coming] to America

to become this entrepreneur
and change the world the way he did.

And three years later,
the first part happened:

I came, I enrolled at a good university,

and I was ready to learn,

I was ready to explore,

I was ready to build,

and I was ready to conquer.

The fresh snow field
was like the universe to me

and ready for me to blaze my own trail.

I felt the world was in front of me;
everything was possible.

I was on top of the world.

I still remember that day
when, actually, nothing happened.

I remember it so much
that I took a picture of it.

(Laughter)

I wasn't completely naked.

When you're 17, you get carried away.

You know that.

(Laughter)

But 13 years went by
in the blink of an eye.

I graduated, worked, found a job,
made money, went to graduate school,

found a better job, made more money,

(Laughter)

got married, bought a house, bought a dog,

and one day I woke up -
I was 30 years old.

And I just got the news
that we're about to have a baby.

(Applause)

Well, actually,
when I first heard the news,

I was a little bit depressed.

(Laughter)

It's not like babies are not good;

babies are great.

I would recommend it to anyone
when the timing is right.

(Laughter)

But the thing is,
when you become a parent,

your responsibilities
and your priorities change.

The odds of you becoming
a world-changing entrepreneur

goes way down.

So where was that young man
who was standing on the snow?

And where did his dream go?

Nope. He didn't blaze his own trail.

In fact, he followed a path
that everyone else did,

and it was the road that was very safe,

but he knew where it would lead to,

which is security, but regret.

Regret.

There was once a nurse
working in a hospice,

and she served the dying patients.

In fact, she interviewed
thousands of them,

asking them this question:

What's your biggest regret in life?

And the number one answer is

"I wish I had the courage
to live a life that's true to myself,

not to someone else's expectation."

I was 30 and I was healthy,
and I already had that regret.

But a good thing is I wasn't dying
and I could do something about it.

(Laughter)

So my wife and I decided
not to let regret rule our lives,

so she asked me to go out and quit my job
and build my company for six months.

If by the end,

there's no traction or investment,
I'll look for a job again.

And I was excited.

So,

this is the day my son was born,

and four days before that,

I quit my job to become
a full-time entrepreneur.

So, by avoiding regret,
I met another character:

rejection.

Four months into my venture,

I was presented with
a major investment opportunity.

And I really wanted it.

I thought I was destined to get it.

I wanted it so bad, I dreamed
about it five different times.

I can still remember
the feeling in those dreams,

and when I woke up,

I was about to call my wife and my parents
and tell them the news.

But then reality hit.

One day, I was in a restaurant
celebrating my friend's birthday,

and my phone vibrated,

and I took it out,

and I saw a simple message
that said, "No."

I had to step out of the restaurant

so other people wouldn't see me
cry in front of them.

I couldn't believe
how a simple two-letter word

would have this impact on me.

And it wasn't like
I didn't mentally prepare.

And it wasn't like I wasn't well-educated.

But it really hurt.

So I was given another choice.

I could have just quit
and looked for a job again

and saved myself two months of time
and made more money,

but by doing that,
it would be back to regret again

because I did not try to give my hardest
and go the full length of six months.

But if I kept going,

I would - even more than likely -
I would go through the same process

and get rejected again,

and that was terrifying.

So rejection and regret.

They both stunk, but I had to choose.

And in the end, I chose rejection,

and it kept going.

And you know what?

The world was never the same to me again.

So I started looking for help
to overcome rejection,

and I searched online,
and I found this game.

It's called "Rejection Therapy."

It's a game developed
by this Canadian gentleman.

His name's Jason Comely,

and he actually asks you
to go out and look for rejection.

That's a great idea.

(Laughter)

I loved it;

I loved it so much,
I said not only I would do it,

I would do it for 100 times
and I'll film myself and blog it

and tell the world about it
so the world will keep me accountable.

So I started going out
and asked for some crazy stuff

to get rejected.

For example, one day I went to a FedEx,
and I gave them a package,

saying "Can you send this to Santa Claus?"

And there's another day,

I went to a Costco
and talked to a store manager,

saying, "Hey, can I use your intercom
to talk to your customers?"

(Laughter)

And then one day, I just found
a random office building.

I walked in and say,
"Hey, can I just talk to your CEO?"

They're like, "Why?"

"Because I want to challenge him
to a staring contest."

(Laughter)

But those were the noes.

But the funny thing is,
I start getting yeses.

And a lot more than I thought.

And here are some of them.

For example, one day
I knock on a stranger's door

saying, "Can I play soccer
in your backyard?"

He's like, "Sure. Come on in."

(Laughter)

And one day I was flying.

After my plane landed,
I talked to the captain,

saying, "Can you teach me how to fly?"

He's like, "Come to my cockpit."

(Laughter)

And then one day,
I was driving by a store

and I saw the security camera

and asked them, "Hey, can I
actually dance on the security camera?

Then you can show me on the monitor?"

They said, "That sounds fun."

(Laughter)

So this is my first Gangnam Style dance.

(Laughter)

So - and then there's this:

it's a box of donuts
that looks like Olympic rings.

It changed my life,

so much so that I decided
to divide up my life

between BD and AD,
before donuts and after donuts.

(Laughter)

And here's what happened.

(Off-screen) I'm driving
toward Krispy Kreme.

(Video) I'm going to ask them
to make me some specialized donuts,

and we'll see what happens.

Clerk: What kind of specialized donuts
are you talking about?

Jia Jiang: I'd like to have a -

give me a - you link
the five donuts together,

make them look like Olympic symbols.

Clerk: Oh.

[Oops, she seems interested]

And when are you looking to these?

JJ: Huh?

Clerk: When?

[Did not expect this question]

JJ: Uh, the next 50 minutes.

Clerk: Let me see what I can do.

JJ: Okay.

Clerk: I tried, but what do you think?

JJ: Wow.

[She googled it and got the color right.]

JJ: That is really good.
That's really good. Yeah.

All right. So do I pay there?

Clerk: Don't worry about that.
That one's on me.

JJ: Are you serious?

Clerk: Yes. Yes.

[At this very moment,
I knew why Gandhi ever lived]

[because with people like Jackie,
mankind is worth saving after all.]

JJ: All right. Thank you.

All right. See you. Give me a hug.

Okay. All right. Thank you. See you.

(Applause) (Cheers)

And that was only
a shortened version of the video.

The full video got
over 5 million views on YouTube.

If just six months ago

you told me rejection could be fun,
delicious and sweet,

I would say you're crazy.

In fact, I would give you
a rejection right there.

(Laughter)

But now I'm having
the best time of my life.

I actually learned a lot
about myself as well.

I'm a better communicator;

I'm a better negotiator;

I'm even a better dancer.

(Laughter)

But more importantly,

I can see rejection eye-to-eye
and remain very calm

and see it as what it is.

It's actually not this monster bag of hurt
that I had really thought.

It's actually not some
universal truth about who I am;

it's just someone's opinion.

It actually says
just as much about that person,

the person who rejected me,

as about me.

So - and I can even turn the table

and improve myself using rejection.

So because of that donut video,

people started following
my rejection blog,

and people started sending me emails

and thanking me because
they find this very inspiring.

And also, they told me stories

of how they're trying to overcome
their fear of rejection.

For example,

there's this artist here in Austin,

and her [artworks] are amazing;
they're beautiful and profound.

But no one noticed.

So after the donuts video, she told me,

she's like, "Well, the donuts are nice,
but I'm a real artist,

and if you have the courage to ask that,

why shouldn't I just
tell people about it."

So she started telling news media
and her friends,

and the art touched a lot of lives
and made national news.

And then there's this man

who told me that he's always had
this fear of rejection,

so much so that sometimes
he goes to restaurants,

he didn't even dare to ask for ketchup,
because his stomach would churn.

Then just last year,
his wife was diagnosed with cancer.

And he said

he learned that the American hospitals
are not this perfect place we all think,

that everything works.

Sometimes, you have to push
the doctors and nurses to get things done.

And then he saw my video;

he's like, "You have the courage to ask
strange requests for rejection therapy.

I'm trying to save my wife's life here,

and why shouldn't I ask?"

So he did, and he thanked me.

So, rejection is really like chicken.

It can be yummy or yucky;
it depends on how you cook it.

(Laughter)

But it's a fear of rejection
that cripples us,

so much so that we often reject ourselves
so others wouldn't reject us.

But if we let that fear dictate our lives,

companies might not be built,
or quit prematurely.

Art might not be shared
and appreciated by the world.

And life-saving treatments
might be delayed.

And it will all lead us to one place:

regret.

Regret is someone else's opinion of us;

it comes and goes -

rejection is that thing.

Rejection comes and goes,

but regret is our own opinion of ourselves
and always stays with us.

In fact, regret is like rotten meat.

It's just bad; it gets worse over time.

I chose to embrace rejection
and open myself up to the world

and found it to be a beautiful place
with amazing people and amazing things.

Had I not done that,
I would have not seen any of that.

And now it's my life passion

to actually help others
to overcome their fear of rejection

so they will not meet regret.

I feel like the 17-years-old
freshman in college again,

stepping on the fresh snow field,

and every step, it could be rejection
and it could be an acceptance,

and I don't know where it will lead to,

but I know one thing:

it's not going to be to regret.

Thank you.

(Applause) (Cheers)

Thank you.

Thank you.