To reach beyond your limits by training your mind | Marisa Peer | TEDxKCS

You can train your mind to do what you want it to. Collaboration with your mind is crucial, the pictures you make in your head and the words that you say to yourself influence how you feel. So tell yourself better things, stretch your mind – make the unfamiliar, familiar.

Marisa Peer is a world renowned speaker, therapist, and best-selling author with nearly three decades of experience.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Today is about collaboration,

and I'm going to talk to you
about what I think

is the most important
collaboration you will ever get.

That is the collaboration
between you and your mind.

When you can collaborate with your mind
and tell it what you want,

you'll get what you want.

Now, I'm very lucky that I've been voted
Britain's best therapist several times.

I'm in the Tatler Guide
to the best of the best.

People say to me, "You know, the brain,

that's really complex and complicated,
and takes years to understand."

Actually, that's not true.

What I believe is you need to know
four things about your mind.

If you put these four things
into practice,

you'll have success
across the board at every level.

So let me tell you what
these four things are about your mind.

Your mind does exactly, specifically
what it thinks you want it to do.

It always does what it thinks
is in your very best interest.

If you haven't got what you want,
but you've got behaviors you don't want,

you are not collaborating
properly with your mind.

I'm going to change that for you.

Secondly, your mind is hardwired

to move you towards pleasure
and away from pain.

That's why the interest
for being tribespeople,

you survive on the planet
by avoiding pain.

Thirdly, the way you feel
about everything all the time

is only down to two things:

the pictures you make in your head,
and the words you say to yourself.

Fourthly, your mind
loves what is familiar.

It is programmed to keep going
over and over again of what is familiar.

If you want to succeed at any level,

you have got to make
what is familiar unfamiliar

and what is unfamiliar familiar.

So let's start with one.

Your mind does what it really thinks
you want it to do.

It's always acting in your own interests,

and your mind listens
all the time to your language.

It works out what you're doing
and feeling by the words you are using.

So if you say:

these exams are killing me,
I'm dying under this paperwork,

my boss is a nightmare,

I'm overwhelmed,
I can't cope with the stress;

when you say,

"I'm dying under the pressure;
this workload is killing me,"

you are telling your mind
you don't want to do it;

and if your mind thinks
you don't want to do it, guess what,

it will encourage you to procrastinate,
bunk off, and not apply yourself.

Your mind is so very, very specific
to the words you use that if you say,

"I'd love a week off in bed,
I'm overwhelmed with this stress.

I just wish I could have a week off
at home lounging around."

Your mind goes, "There you go,
I've given you the flu."

Didn't you ask for that?

You said you wanted a week off in bed,
and I've given you the flu.

There's your week off.

If you say, "I'm dreading having
to give that presentation next Wednesday.

I'd do anything to get out of it."

Your mind's like, "OK,

why don't I wake you up
with a migraine or an upset stomach?"

There's your
get-out-of-the-presentation behavior.

That sounds a little silly,
but that is how your mind works.

It does what it thinks you want.

If you haven't got what you want,
it's because you use words like:

this is too hard; it's too difficult;
it takes all my time.

When I wrote my first book,
I was only in my 20s.

When I got a book deal,

I kind of knew that involved
isolating myself in writing,

and I didn't want to do it.

I spent a long time procrastinating
until I realized that I had to say,

I want to write; I've chosen to write;
I've chosen to feel great about it;

and those words:

I have chosen to do this;
I've chosen to feel great about it,

will change your life.

This is way more than positive thinking.

It is collaborating with your mind.

So, look at your behavior,
and if you haven't got what you want,

you're not communicating
properly with your mind.

I learned this when I worked
with premier footballers and marines.

I was doing a television show
with some marines.

I was watching them
running in pitch black -

little miner lights on their head.

It was raining sideways, muddy,
and they were singing.

And of course, when you sing
your mind is like:

OK, it's pouring with rain,
it's dark, it's freezing cold,

you're running up a hill
with a big pack on your back,

and you're singing ...

Oh, I get it! You like this.

Imagine if you were to run a marathon,
and you started by going:

OK, 24 miles to go. I hate this.
It's so boring, so hard, so difficult.

You're not going to finish it.

You have to go, I love it, I love it,

even when it isn't true.

So that is how you
collaborate with your mind.

You must tell it, using very specific,
very detailed, very precise words,

what you want.

When you are doing it, you say,

I want this, I like this,
I've chosen this;

and you must link pleasure
because here's step two:

Your mind will always move you
towards pleasure and away from pain.

If you eat something
that makes you sick, and link it to pain,

and you can never eat that again
for the rest of your life.

You are hardwired to avoid pain.

But if you link pain to studying,
speaking in public, being ...

somehow getting attention,
that's very, very difficult.

You can choose every day
what is pain and pleasure.

You are the only person that can do that.

You can't put a cat in a Jacuzzi
because it is cool, the bubbles, the heat.

They don't like water, but you can choose.

I have some clients
who link pleasure to pain,

and some who link pain to pleasure.

I learned this when I worked
with drug addicts.

Not just street drug addicts,

people right at the top of their game –

Hollywood actors, movie stars, models
who would link absolute pleasure

to sticking a needle in their body
because they would get high,

and to them that pain was pleasure.

I have other clients who received
a first class trip and said,

"I won't go because I think
the plane is going to blow up."

So they link pain to pleasure.

A couple of years ago, I broke my arm,

and when they took
the cast off, it was up here.

And went, "Oh," and I said,
"How do I get it straight?"

They said, "We can't
actually get it straight.

You can have some physio,
it might drop another inch."

And I'm like, "No, no,
you don't understand. I do yoga.

I can't do the downward dog
with my arm like that;

I can't do the warrior
with an arm like that.

I must have my arm straight."

They said, "Well, we can break it
under surgery, but it might not work,

and it might make it worse."

I don't do no.

I want a straight arm,
so I found the best physio,

and I said, "Can you straighten my arm?"

He said, "Oh yes,
but it will really, really hurt,

and it'll take a lot of commitment,
you have to come twice a week;

I've got to break
all the little capillaries.

So I knew it was going to hurt,

but I know how to
collaborate with my brain.

So I went along,

and kept saying to my brain,
"I want it, I want it."

I've chosen to have a straight arm.
I can take the pain, I want the pain.

I was singing this song
by the Black Eyed Peas called,

let's do it, let's do it,
let's get this started.

When he started to pull my arm,
he wasn't kidding when he said it hurt,

and of course, when someone's hurting you
your instinct is to pull back.

I couldn't do that, I had to pull forward.

But I'm always singing this song,
telling my mind I want it.

I got my arm completely straight.

At the end, he said,

"I don't know how you did that,
because most people give up halfway."

I said, "No. I told my brain I wanted it."

That's what I did.
I kept saying I want it.

I linked pain to not getting it
and pleasure to the pain, if you like.

That's very important.

If ever you've had to read in class,

and you got the word wrong
and everyone laughed at you;

you think, "Right, that's it.
I'll never speak in public again.

I'm never going to be the focus
of attention again."

Of course, you forget.

Ten years later,
you're about to give a speech,

or give a presentation,
or chair a meeting,

and you'll have a panic attack

because your mind's like, "Oh, no ...

Speaking in public is pain,
don't you remember?"

You have got to change that.

You have got to tell your mind
exactly what you want,

and you've got to link pleasure, not pain,
to doing the things that are hard.

The third thing about the brain
is it responds only to two things.

The pictures you make in your head
and the words you say to yourself.

That's all there is.

So if you were on a flight going to LA

sitting right next to him
on the same flight,

and your pictures are: going to LA,

great beaches, great people,
fantastic weather, places to go,

you're having one experience.

But if you're saying,
"This plane sounds really funny,

that guy looks very suspicious;

I think he is a terrorist,
who'll blow up the plane."

You're having a totally different
experience because of two things:

the pictures you make in your head
and the words you say to yourself.

When you collaborate with your brain,
you must change those pictures,

and you must change those words.

So I worked with a footballer
who came from nowhere,

he was playing for not any division team,

and he went straight
into the premier league.

He wasn't very tall.

He said, "You know,
I feel daunted because I'm not tall."

And I said, "OK, so imagine
that you're Maradona.

Do you think Maradona
says that when he goes on the pitch,

'I don't feel tall enough.'
Of course, he doesn't.

Do you think Michael Owen does that?"

You have to change your thinking
and change your words

because the pictures you make in your head
and the words you say to yourself

will change everything;
that's all you have to do.

So let me show you.
Just put your arm out in front of you.

I want you to imagine,

in your hand, you're holding
half of a big fat, juicy lemon,

a big fat lemon.

Close your eyes.
Please keep your eyes closed.

I want you to imagine,
bring the lemon up to your mouth,

you can squeeze it,
feel that wonderful lemon feeling.

You can inhale and you
can smell that great lemon.

So now, open your mouth
and take a massive bite.

Bite this lemon in half
and chew that around,

and start to chew it.

You will find immediately,

you are pumping out
masses of saliva to a thought.

You can open your eyes
and there's no lemon.

But you see, two things:

the picture you made
in your head was a lemon;

the words you made
were eating a lemon.

You weren't eating a lemon.

Your body doesn't care if what you tell it

is right or wrong, good or bad,
helpful or unhelpful,

you respond only
to those words and images.

Let's do another one. Just stand up.

I want everyone - in fact,
you can do this sitting down, it's fine.

I want everyone to put their left arm
in front of them; all use your left arm.

All I want you to do

is swing your arm
as far back behind as it will go.

Just take it to its maximum.

Just notice where it is.
Just notice where it's gone to.

Bring it back, bring it back,
close your eyes;

and I want you to tell your left arm
that in a minute, you'll repeat this.

It's going to go a third further.

So, see your arm going a third further.

Don't move it yet.

Tell your arm that it will
go a third further.

See all those muscles
in your left shoulder like elastic.

Tell your arm to go a third further.

Open your eyes. Point your left arm.

As you do it again,
you will see it will go third further

because you saw it,
because you told it to.

(Chattering)

You can practice this at home,

but you really need to get these things,
that this is how you collaborate.

You see the right things,
you tell yourself the right words.

When I was working
with the Olympic Bobsleigh team,

they did not get on at all,
and that was a big disadvantage for them.

So I told them to imagine
they were like hunting dogs,

all working on the same brainwave -
which is how fish swim and how birds fly,

they move in the shape of a big animal,
and they kind of communicate differently -

and that really worked for them.

So the fourth thing about your mind

is that it loves what is familiar
and it will go for what is familiar.

If what is familiar

is procrastinating, messing about,
not applying yourself,

feeling uncomfortable in public,
and not believing in yourself,

you have got to make
that completely unfamiliar,

and you have to make
what is unfamiliar, familiar:

working hard, believing in yourself,
putting in the hours, deciding to love it.

It's a really English thing
that we don't like to say:

I'm the best, I'm the greatest,

I'm really good at what I do,
I'm an expert at this.

And of course, that's because we
think we are faking it.

But I just showed you

that when you believe
you are eating a lemon,

you actually start to make that happen.

So, Arnold Schwarzenegger said,

"Modesty is not a word
that applies to me in any way at all,

and I hope it never ever does."

And I love that.

Muhammad Ali said,

"It's people's fear that stops them
taking on challenges.

I told myself I was the greatest
before I even was.

I believed in myself, and guess what?
I became the greatest."

So, what a concept!

He told himself he was the best
and he became the best.

He didn't just go,
"Yeah, I'm the greatest, me."

He trained, he worked out,
he was disciplined.

He believed he was the best.

I've worked with those
at the top of their game:

top CEOs, top actors,
top everything, top rock stars.

They all have to tell themselves
they are the best.

Because what is the opposite of that?

"Oh, I'm just average,

I'm not really good enough,
I can't really do this, it's too hard,

it requires too much commitment."

I just showed you whatever
you tell your mind, it believes.

So tell it better things.

First, you make your beliefs
and then your beliefs make you;

and if you believe in yourself,
other people will believe in you, too.

When you stretch your mind
to a new dimension,

it never ever, ever, ever goes back,

because your potential
expands as you move towards it.

You can't even know
what your potential is.

So when Roger Bannister wanted
to run a mile in under four minutes -

and no one had done that -
he did these four things;

he told himself,

"I want to do that.
I want to make it happen."

He linked massive pleasure to do that.

He saw, constantly, his body
going through the tape at 239 seconds,

and he made it familiar

because he did run a mile
in under four minutes;

and that same year,
eight more people did it;

the following year,
57 people did exactly the same thing.

So he made what was unfamiliar, familiar.

When Mark Spitz won seven
Olympic gold medals for swimming -

before most of you
were even born - he was a hero.

That was amazing that he did that.

Now, his speeds aren't even that special.

Because your potential
expands as you move towards it.

So if you want to have the most fantastic
collaboration with yourself,

you got to remember these four things:

tell your mind what you want;

link massive pleasure to going there
and pain to not going there,

so you can motivate your mind,
use very detailed words;

change the pictures, change the words;

and make the familiar, unfamiliar
and the unfamiliar, familiar.

When I wrote my first book,
I went to Penguin,

and they said, "We love this book
but we want to change it.

I want you to write ten chapters
on this particular brain psychology.

Can you do that?"

I couldn't. I could come up
with four, maybe five.

I have the choice to go,

"No, sorry, I can't do that,
here's your advance back,"

or to go, "Yes, of course,
I could do that."

So I said, "Yes, of course,
I could do that."

Ten? Yes, that's fine, no problem;

and I had faith, that's all I had,

absolute faith that my brain
would come up with the other chapters.

In fact, I was driving along
on Isle's Court Road one day;

two of them came to into my head;
I stopped the car, wrote them down.

By the time I sent that book back,
I could have given them 35 chapters

because my brain
was expanding all the time

because I programmed it the right way,

I told it to go ahead
and find that information.

So I could talk to you a lot,

but it's not really
about how much I talk to you.

It's how much you take this on board.

If it's familiar to go to lectures,
listen to people, go home,

and then do something else:
make that unfamiliar.

You have everything to gain
by doing these four things.

Tell your mind exactly what you want.

Use really detailed, descriptive,
positive, powerful words.

It's not positive thinking.

It's rewiring your brain for success,
and that is the success across the board,

not just in business,
not just in athletics,

but in everything,
even in your relationships.

Link massive, huge, enormous
pleasure to getting there

and pain to staying the same.

Change the pictures, change the words.

When you have a brilliant brain,
and we all have a brilliant brain,

you have two choices:

rationalize why you feel so bad
or talk yourself out of it.

"I can't cope with these exams,
I'm not getting enough sleep."

Or change that to,

"This is temporary, I can do this,
I want to do it, I'll sleep later,"

and make the familiar, unfamiliar.

Most important,

make self-belief so normal to you
that everyone else believes in you, too.

Thank you for listening.

(Applause)