The problem of desire in established couples | Isabelle Constant | TEDxVaugirardRoad

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.

Isabelle Constant-Excoffier is a psychotherapist and speaker. For more than 20 years, she has accompanied men and women in their personal transformations. To use a phrase a child said to her once, her profession is to teach people to be happy.

She presents to us here a paradoxical approach to resolving the problem of desire that sometimes arises in established couples.

I'm going to speak to you

about a complaint which I hear
regularly in my practice,

and which is said equally
by men and by women,

and can be summed up with:

"I love my partner. I love my partner.

In principle I like to make love,

but I don't have any
sexual desire anymore".

Generally, the person asks me
to help them to find

their sexual desire again, of course.

So it's a siutation that perhaps
some of you recognise,

where one person
is the problem, is at fault.

Moreover, that person receives
criticism from the other,

So they feel guilty.

Guilty of malfunction.

Guilty of not succeeding
in finding their desire again.

And guilty of making
the one they love suffer.

And guilty of putting
their relationship in danger.

And for the other,
it's also very difficult,

because firstly they feel
sexually frustrated,

and they also feel rejected.

Because even if one makes a distinction

between being rejected
and being refused,

it doesn't prevent the fact
that in reality,

the person feels
generally rejected and unloved.

And then through being refused,
they don't know how

to approach the other person anymore.

They begin to doubt,

to doubt their ability to seduce,

to doubt themselves,

and even to doubt the legitimacy
of their own desire.

And for certain women,

this low level of need can be experienced

as something extremely humiliating.

So it's a very difficult situation

that obviously each person then
puts avoidance tactics in place.

Such as not going to bed
at the same time,

having a lot of super important things
to do on the computer

until 1 o'clock in the morning.

Going to sleep suddenly
at a quarter past nine.

Having back pain, a headache,
all kinds of things

that will allow them to avoid
these moments of intimacy

where the question will be asked:

"Are we going to make love, or not?"

"Will the desire be there, or not?"

"And if it is there, will it stay?
Will it last until the end?"

Additionally, sometimes,

it's as though the desire

should be a kind of guarantee

which should bring the proof

that you're a real woman, or a real man,

that there really is love there,

that you are a real couple,

completely forgetting
that you can have a desire

for someone that you don't love

and with whom you have
no intention of being in a realtionship!

Anyway...

Desire is nevertheless seen
as the cause of a bunch of issues

which cause the person
waiting for it to arrive

to experience anxiety, or apprehension,

which generally turns into arguments,

which in the end causes a lack
of sexuality in the couple.

This is usually felt as a failure,

and a failure all the more cruel

because society, the media,
the age all tell us that

if you want to succeed in life,
you have to have a great sex life.

So when I see a couple arrive,
stuck in this vicious circle,

and that could be a homosexual
or a heterosexual couple, it's the same,

I first explain to them that this quest,

the tracking of desire,
prevents the occurence of any desire.

It's just not possible.

There is no need to have
a particular pathology.

Any stable person
who is put in the situation

of having to have sexual desire,

following the couple's ideal,
once/twice/three times/four times a week,

regularly, spontaneously, definitively,

if not, their sex life is a failure,

they're no longer a man
or no longer a woman,

and in addition they are putting
their relationship in danger,

cannot have sexual desire.

It's just not possible.

The more you try to make
this desire return,

the more it will disappear.

So we need to look at
the problem in another way.

We need to stop expecting this desire.

We even need to accept
doing without it,

and for that, well,

you have to decide to make love.

When I say "make love", that means

having sexual intercourse together,

having sexual pleasure together.

And so you will decide especially
when you will make love.

And as you will have decided
this together,

you will have committed to it,
one person to the other,

it will be necessary,
with or without desire,

that you make love.

Then, generally,
the first reaction I get is:

"No no no, that's not at all possible!"

"It's not possible.
I don't want it to be compulsory!"

"What I want is
for the other person to desire me,

that the other person want me,
that's what I want.

I don't want it to be compulsory!"

It's very hard to let go of that.

However, if you want
to get out of that vicious circle,

you'll have to let go of that position.

Because that position of
"I want.... that you want it"

well, it seals the vicious circle.

And if you want to find pleasure
together, in sexuality,

then you will have
to give up this position.

And then the second reaction
that I often get, is:

"No no no, that's not possible either,

because you can't schedule those things,

it's not possible, that'll be artificial,

it has to be natural and spontaneous,
I don't want to schedule that."

Well that is a belief... which is false,

and which does a lot of damage.

When you have a rendez-vous
with your mistress or your lover,

on Wednesday from 2 - 6pm,
it's scheduled!

(Laughter)

You know that you're going to make love,

and usually, that doesn't pose a problem.

(Laughter)

When your boyfriend,
who lives in Marseilles,

comes for a weekend in Paris, you know

that you'll make love the first night,
and probably the next day, too.

The fact that it's anticipated
isn't a handicap.

It can even be a good thing.

If I know that in two weeks
I'm going skiing for two weeks,

I'll dream about it, I'll think about it,

and I'll even try on
my ski shoes in my kitchen.

And in two weeks,
I'll have fun on the slopes,

which is not the same thing.

In fact, what it's really about...
is regaining the right

to think about your sexuality,

instead of delegating it to desire alone,

and to think about your sexuality,
not as a problem to fix,

but as a plan that you construct together.

We make loads of plans as a couple.

We plan to go to the theatre,
to go to a TED talk,

to go to a restaurant,
to go on holidays,

and we don't expect
that it will be hunger or fatigue

that makes us take action.

We talk about it, we discuss, we decide,

we make bookings, and then off we go.

And so we're doing the same thing here.

And if, for example,
you decide to make love,

not on Thursday evening,
because there's a TED talk,

(Laughter)
but Tuesday...

Well, firstly there will be
plenty of advantages to this.

It means that on Monday evening,
you're not going to make love.

So on Monday evening,
you can be close to each other,

you can go to bed at the same time,

and you'll be able to have a cuddle
without being worried

that it will cause an erection

that you won't know what to do with,

or without the fear of having an erection

that you're not sure
will last until the end,

without telling yourself,
"I absolutely must have an erection".

You'll be able to be calm,
you'll be able to be together,

because our romantic rendez-vous
with our partner is on Tuesday.

And then on Tuesday morning,
maybe you won't be able

to pick the first underwear
that comes to hand,

perhaps you'll put a bit of thought
into choosing a bra...

And for the men, perhaps
they'll shave a bit closer,

put on some cologne which smells nice,
because that evening,

there's a romantic rendez-vous
with his partner.

And, it's a sure thing,
it's without the risk of rejection,

because you agreed together

and you decided together
that on Tuesday night

you would have sexual pleasure together.

So, if the man doesn't have any desire,
well it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't
have an erection.

It doesn't matter.

There are other ways to give
pleasure to his partner.

And the woman,
if she doesn't have the desire,

if she doesn't get moist quick enough,
it doesn't matter.

There are loads of great creams,

very enjoyable to apply,
that smell good...

The aim is to have pleasure together,

and then once it's finished,

they'll discuss, they'll decide
when they feel like doing it again.

So the construction together
of this plan will lead to loads

of interesting conversations
for the couple,

because they will have to agree,

so they'll have to listen to each other,

they'll have to understand the other,

they'll have to say things,

so if there is one who says,

"I want to do it again tomorrow,"

and the other says,

"For me, next week is enough,"

well, they'll have to agree together,

to put some rules,
some conditions in place.

For example,

"What do we do if we have
a fight 2 hours before?"

"Can we have a wild card?"

"How long does that give? 24/48 hours?"

All kinds of things will be thought about
and talked about by the couple.

I wanted to talk to you
about my method

for approaching this subject,
because I think that,

as soon as you live as a couple,

after more than three or six months,

you're at risk of possibly falling
into this vicious circle,

because, since you can make love any time,

you don't know when is the right moment.

It's as though our brain
didn't have the time to prepare for it.

And for that matter, as we're
in a society, in a world

that makes us believe that
it's desire that should be master,

the driving force behind everything,

we forget that we're allowed to think,

allowed to think about our sexuality,

and above all, to think about it together,

and to choose the rhythm that suits us,
the moment that suits us,

the way of doing it which suits us.

Before I conclude,
I need to let you know of a risk,

which is that, obviously,
as a result of having pleasure,

the risk is that the desire comes back,

and then if the desire returns,
it's really important

to maintain that permission

to talk and to think
about your sexuality together,

even if the desire is there.

Thank you.

(Applause)