Eddie Izzard - Being Bilingual

Clip from Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill

- Now, I just want to talk
quickly about language.

And then we can all...

Cause yeah, language, they
do say Britain and America

are two countries separated
by the Atlantic Ocean.

And it's true.

(laughter)

No, they say two languages separated by,

two countries separated
by a common language.

That's the line.

That's an Oscar Wilde line, I think.

And we do pronounce
things in a different way.

Like, you say caterpillar,

and we say caterpillar.

(laughter)

No, you say aluminum.

We say aluminium.

You say cen-TRI-fugal.

We say centri-FYOO-gal.

You say leisure.

We say lie-ZOOR-ay-ay.

(laughter)

You say basil.

We say BAH-sil.

You say herbs, and we say HER-bs.

Because there's a fucking h in it.

(applause)

But you spell through t-h-r-u,
and I'm with you on that.

Cause we spell it thruf.

And that's trying to cheat at Scrabble.

How can we get that oo sound?

Well, a u will work.

What about an o, as well?

No, we don't need it, we're fine.

No, I think an o.

Well, all right.

And a g, as well.

What?

Yes, a g would be good.

A geh sound?

Yes, we need a silent geh,
just in the background.

In case of any accidents or something.

Well, all right.

And an h, as well!

Fuckin' hell, hang on!

An h, in case some herbs come along.

(laughter)

All right.

And a q, and a p, and a zed.

Look, it's a word in
Scrabble that's 480 points.

So, yes.

And we do have slight
differences in that arena.

But in Europe we have 200 languages.

200 languages. Just count them.

I know you won't.

But there're 200 languages.

And future generations of
Europeans, I'm sorry Europeans,

but we're gonna have to be bilingual.

We are gonna have to be.

And English speakers hate this.

Two languages in one head?

No one can live at that speed.

Good lord, man.

You're asking the impossible.

But the Dutch speak four
languages and smoke marijuana.

(applause)

Yes, but they're cheating.

Everyone knows marijuana's
a drug enhancement

that can help you on track
and field to come last

in a team of eight million.

Eight million other
runners who are all dead.

(laughter)

I don't know how the Dutch do it.

But anyway, cause we're
gonna have to learn.

And the reason we're gonna
have to learn is, one,

for being groovy, and just
getting out there and doing it.

But the second, we just lose
a lot of business in Europe.

In the rest of Europe, cause
German people phone up going

(speaks German)

Just fuck off, will you, mate?

I thought he's speakin' German.

I told him to go away.

(speaks fake German)

I don't know, something about
funf millionen Deutschmark.

And I told him to get knotted.

We don't want any of his deutschy markies.

We do? We do want that?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, fuck, redial.