How to find meaning when reality hits you | Manisha Koirala | TEDxJaipur

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

In this candid talk, Manisha shares how she discovered the meaning of life when things went down and how she made the worst situation of her life into a narrative of triumph!

Manisha Koirala is well known for her acting prowess and her ethereal looks which easily pull at audience heartstrings. However, what many may not know about this Nepalese beauty is her quiet confidence and graceful strength which have enabled her rise to success in Bollywood and work in critically acclaimed movies with directors such as Sanjay Leela Bhansali, Vidhu Vinod Chopra, Subhash Ghai, and Mani Ratnam. Manisha also had her fair share of ups and downs, but it was the diagnosis of cancer in 2012 which caused her to pause and introspect her life deeply. Perhaps it was this very introspection which gave Manisha new goals and motivated her to rise and shine through trying times.

There is a well-known quote which says,

"Life is what happens to us

while we're busy making other plans."

It's this unpredictability,
hence, unpreparedness

what makes life so fragile
yet so beautiful.

Friends,

some 20-25 years ago,

I lived a life
that many would only dream of.

I always wanted to be an acclaimed artist

and be at the top of my game.

I came from Nepal
and actually managed to be

a popular and successful actress
in the Indian film industry.

About 80 odd films
in five different languages,

multiple awards;

to be honest, some quality
and a lot of quantity.

Everything that I had dreamed of,
in fact, more than what I had dreamed of,

was happening to me.

What I didn't know

that while I was in this most heady,
most enjoyable ride ever,

life had planned something else for me,

that I would be thrown into
a whirlwind of things

where slowly, I'll start to lose it all.

Initially, it started subtly,

like I signed on for a bad film
which flopped and I got a bad review,

and then there was another
and another and another,

but I didn't care

because even then, I had some good
directors wanting me in their film,

so I thought, "Well,
I can always bounce back,"

but that didn't really happen.

I had developed an unhealthy lifestyle

which was attracting wrong company.

Restlessly, I was moving
from one bad relationship to another one.

I was in a mess,

and I was in denial.

I fell flat on my face
when my marriage broke,

and soon after, I was diagnosed
with an aggressive form of cancer.

Even my cancer was of an extreme kind.

Let me give you a tip of the iceberg

of how gruesome my treatment was,
my chemotherapy was,

that it was not of balding of the hair,
losing eyelashes and eyebrows,

and looking sick and sad -
that's how we cancer patients look.

From that glamorous diva
to this, it was not looks,

it was actually when I had to sign waivers
for a permanent heart damage,

a permanent ear damage,
a permanent neuropathy problem,

that my hand would be shaking
for the rest of my life.

It's then I got scared, really scared.

I started to worry
that maybe these were my last days.

Maybe I was facing the d-word:

the unimaginable, unbelievable,

unfathomable death.

And then I started to think
if this was the end of my life.

What did I do with my life so far?

Did I live well? Was I proud of it?

Of course not.

I had messed it.

I was living carelessly,
ignoring my health, my career,

people who cared for me and loved me.

Friends, it's been four and a half years,

I'm cancer-free now.

God has been kind. Life has been kind.

(Applause)

Not a single day that goes by

that I forget the promise I made to myself
when I thought I was dying.

I have prioritized all the three things -
I call them gifts -

my health:

I realized the importance of health
when I was down with cancer

so I nurture it now,
I look after it, I read, I inquire,

and do whatever it takes
for me to have a good health;

my relationship with my family:

is much more filled with respect and trust

because there were the only people
who were with me

from the beginning till the end;

my friendship:

I used to have an entourage of friends,
a huge circle of friends,

but today, I have a handful

with whom I share a deeper bond,
a more meaningful friendship;

my work:

I realized, I'm an artist
in my heart and my spirit

so I need to be challenged

for me to grow as an artist,
to be satisfied,

so I pick and choose films
carefully not carelessly -

the way I was doing before.

I also got a fourth gift,

and that is the realization

of the value of service, of contribution.

I would like to share a story.

When not too many people
were visiting me in the hospital,

there was this lady who would come
and be with me on Sundays.

She's a doctor, a pathologist
in Cornell Hospital in New York.

Her name is Dr Navneet Narula,

and she would come,

sit in that uncomfortable hospital chair,

and spend the entire day with me.

I was very intrigued

because she was very busy.

So I asked her, "Why are you doing this?

You're not my friend from the past,
and you're not my fan, for sure."

You know what she replied?

She said, "Manisha-ji, with the hope
that you will do this to somebody else."

(Applause)

How simple yet so profound, isn't it?

That's when I made a promise
that if I get a second chance to life,

I will pay attention and be of service
in whatever capacity I can.

It can be anything big or small,
it really doesn't matter.

When an earthquake hit Nepal,

I had gone there, with the help of UNFPA.

We did a campaign called "Dignity First."

And I'm hoping to go to remote areas

and talk about the importance
to educate our girls, our daughters

and talk against child marriages

as there are many multiple
complications from that.

So that I do,

or anything as a cancer survivor.

I go around giving hope to people

telling them cancer
is not a death sentence,

that there is a life beyond cancer.

It could be anybody,

It could be a friend
who's reached out to me

and needs my patiently
[listening to them], anything.

So I do that now.

A large part of my story,

this gambit of experiences,

the highs and the lows,
this name, fame, glamor,

and the depth of despair,

of cancer,

traumatic chemotherapy, facing death

is not actually about the incidences,

it is about finding sense behind it,
finding meaning in it all.

I had to make sense of things
that had happened to me,

and the things that were happening to me.

I found a few,
such basic, simple principles,

and because they are simple,

we tend to take it for granted
and don't apply them.

I found, number one,

that this life is a gift.

I know it's a cliche, but it is a gift.

And everything that comes
with this life is a gift.

This body is a gift.

We need to nurture it,
look after it, be grateful,

we need to embrace that.

People who cross our path,
they are a gift.

Number two:

the importance of introspection.

We need to dive into the depth
of our being, of our self,

to discover our truth and live our truth.

As our time is limited,
we must make the most of it.

We cannot be living somebody else's life.

We cannot be living
somebody else's idea of life,

what is good and what is bad.

We need to find for ourselves.
We need to introspect.

We need to discover

what it is that motivates us,
compels us to live a great life,

so every day, we can live
with clarity and passion.

Number three:

No matter, no matter,
no matter, no matter

how we want to be prepared,

there will always be a surprise.

Life will throw
some challenge from somewhere

that we are not
really fully prepared for.

But we have a choice.

We can either be consumed by it,

become a victim,
and make that larger than us,

and get defined by that problem,

or we can turn it around
into a platform for our growth

because there is a message,

there is a lesson
underneath every problem that we face.

We can make
the worst situation of our life

into a narrative of triumph.

The wisdom and the courage
is all within us.

(Applause)