Seven exercises to listen in an effective way | Alessandro Lucchini | TEDxTrento

"If the gods gave us two ears and one mouth," said a philosopher, "there will be a reason." Yet we study talking, writing, telephoning. And we take it for granted that to listen to it just to stay there. Instead, listening is challenging. It's just like flying: you have to prepare yourself, lift, focus, move around. You need the will to change.

Words workman. Born in Milan in 1959, linguist, researcher and communication coach. He has worked in journalism and advertising for years, has written books on language use, holds courses for companies and institutions, with a specialization in the medical field. He teaches at IULM in Milan and at the 'Scuola Superiore Sant'Anna' in Pisa. He loves people, democracy, strain, karate, singing, going to the mountains.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

(Singing) How many roads ...

must a man walk down ...

before you call him a man?

How many seas ...

must a white dove sail ...

before she sleeps in the sand?

How many times ...

must the cannonballs fly ...

before they're forever banned?

The answer, my friend ...

is blowin' in the wind.

The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many times ...

must a man look up ...

before he can see the sky?

How many ears ...

must one man have ...

before he can hear people cry?

(Singing stops)"How many ears ...

must one man have?"

"How many ears must one man have...

before he can hear other people cry?"

I always focused on this line
while singing "Blowin' in the wind."

I think the author focused on it too

when he sang this song.

How many ears do we have?
How many ears must we have?

"If gods gave us two ears ..."

a philosopher said,

"and just one mouth,
maybe there was a reason."

Instead, we think that we have to train
in order to speak and write.

All the speakers you will hear today
did their best, I'll grant you.

But we think we can just
stay there in order to listen.

"Ascolto" (listening")
is a difficult skill.

In order to listen, you need to focus,
to commit yourself. It's like flying.

You need to lift and move.

You need to go somewhere else.
You need to be willing to change.

Since "Ascolto" has seven letters,
as you can see from the dots ...

maybe you can guess
that I'm going to create a pun.

I'm a linguist, so it was predictable.

I'm going to give you seven tips.

They will be marked up
by the seven letters of the word.

They will help you to listen
in an efficient way.

First tip.

"A."

Listen in order to listen
and not to reply nor to judge.

Well, think about Bob Dylan event.

I know that starting from Dylan isn't
the most popular choice these days.

But, did anyone ask him
what was his opinion?

Did anyone ask him
why did he behave like that?

No, nobody did.

After an initial silent phase,
we were all ready to label him.

He is overbearing, arrogant.
Who does he think he is?

Then he stated: "Thank you,
sorry, you're very polite ...

but I can't, I have things to do."

So other arguments broke out.

You answer that way when they invite you
to a school classmates reunion.

You say "I have things to do."

It's not fair.

Who knows, maybe he doesn't feel up to it.

I don't know. We didn't ask him.

This is what we usually do.

We listen very little.

We listen as much as we need
to put a label.

I think you are doing this,
we all do this.

"Ah, look how he is dressed."

"Ah, what about the guitar?"

"Ah, that Milanese accent."

"It's not all that difficult."

So, whatever happens here ...

we label very quickly.

Alternatively ...

we listen as much as we need to reply.

Think about a business meeting.

One speaks, then the second
and then the third.

At a certain point I flip out.

I start preparing my answer.

I don't listen to the others anymore.

Or at a conference, when they say:

"Later there will be time
for the questions."

I prepare my question,
I don't listen to what they say anymore.

Just listen in order to listen

This is the first exercise
that I recommend to you.

Then there is the "S"
in the word 'ascolto'.

Do we listen exclusively to words?

There are many elements
that help us to listen.

There are three channels through which
we express what we have inside.

Words.

Verbs, nouns, adjectives, and so on.

Then there is the phonetic channel.

Well-read people call it prosody.

The sounds.

The timbre of the voice and its loudness.

If your timbre is like that of Gassmann,
Proietti or Gruber you're lucky.

If your voice sounds
like that of a political leader ...

you may flounder.

Or like Mario Giordano.

With that voice you need
to make a lot of efforts.

But if I have a Gassmann-voice,
I start speaking with this tone ...

I go on for ten minutes ...

everyone would fall asleep.

Sometimes you need to speak louder.
Other times you must keep your voice down.

Sometimes you need to speak faster
in order to draw attention.

Other times people speak more slowly.

Sometimes we make ...

some pauses.

Think about that hole
in the stomach ...

when your doctor
checks your blood test results.

And at a certain point ...

You start to feel ...

very anxious.

You could employ your lover
or your friends ...

to try this experiment
about the effects of a pause.

You should take this person
out of the blue,

shake her and ask her:

"Tell me the truth!"

"Do you love me?"

And he or she could reply:

"Yes!"

But what did you feel before hearing
the answer you expected?

And then there is the physical side.

Dressing, smile, posture.

Think about the gestures.

If I say, "We have a great opportunity."

I say "great" but with my hands,
I make a little gesture.

How much does it excite you?

"I am very happy to be here at TED today."

You wouldn't believe me.

If I say: "I'm very happy!"

You could believe me.

So, this is the second exercise.

We listen not only to words but also
to many other elements around them.

"C." This stands for "certain words."

It is appropriate to listen
to certain words. Which ones?

We have a huge amount of words
in our languages.

185,000 words are contained
in that big dictionaries.

The richest dictionary
has 465,000 words.

It's made up by six or seven volumes.
I don't remember.

It contains both common words
and words deriving from "DIS."

DIS means Special Italian Dictionaries.

DIS are related to specific fields:
medicine, law, insurance, banking, sport.

Think about the language
of computer technicians:

Zip, drop, backup, upload it.

Download, print, flag, re-upload it.

Among them they are fluent,
they understand each other.

What would happen if I said a word
in my DIS and you read it in yours?

Let's take the word "prize".

I meant the cup
because I am a sportsman.

You meant the payment
of the insurance policy.

In this context 'positive' and 'negative'
mean what they say.

"How was TED?" "Very positive."
You must be happy about that.

In the context of a medical analysis
'positive' has the opposite meaning.

It's not a shade of meaning.

Next week, if we vote, we will vote
'yes' to say yes and 'no' to say no.

It's an exception.

Referendum usually works the opposite way.

Among this huge amount
of ambiguous words,

we have around 250 special words.

They are called "hot words";
words that warm our heart.

And among these, around 50
are named "key words."

Key words can open our heart
or they can lock it.

It must be happened to someone
named Alessandro, like me.

When we introduce ourselves:
"Alessandro." "Me too! Great!"

But the first thing that comes
to your mind is you, your children,

the people you love.

If I could see some
white-haired heads among you,

I'd know that the word "Fornero" maybe
can change your temperature.

So, it's useful, while listening,
to recognize the words that give energy;

strength, love, health, honour, freedom.

The words on which people put emphasis.

Let's recognize them and treat them
with the utmost care.

"O."

"O" (or) is a word
that creates a crossroads.

Do you eat this or that?

Do you prefer staying here or there?

Disjunctive conjunction.

When we hear a story told by someone,
are we listening only to the story?

Or is our listening influenced by our
perception, prejudices and representation?

Put here three things.

Here there are the facts of life.

A football match, a war, an act of love.

Here is my perception.

Here there is what I say
to people about that topic.

There are people confusing
these three levels.

There are people who believe
they always think the truth.

There are people who think
they always tell the truth.

There are people who think
they always say what they think.

Many people say:

"I don't mince my words.
I say everything I think."

If you are like this,
you have to go to a Pacific Island,

throw away the keys
and don't cause trouble.

When you were about six months old
you could say everything you thought.

Think about six-months-old children.
After their meal, they are taken,

put on the shoulders, and cuddled.

Mum gives little pats on their back.

By doing so, the child
can show the world his happiness.

And when he shows it, his mother
says:"My sweetie, love you burped."

By the time this child is 14,

he should have filtered
what is said, shown, or heard.

So, let's distinguish the reality
from thoughts about reality

from its linguistic representation.

Let's weigh up these three levels.

"L" stands for
logic and logical structures.

What is logical analysis?

It is the analysis of the sequences
of words in a sentence.

One day, in a convent,
a novice asked his prior:

"Father, can I smoke while I pray?"

He was reprimanded
as the worst of sinners.

After a minute, another novice
asked the same prior:

"Father, can I pray while I smoke?"

He was praised for his devotion.

This story may seem stupid
but smoking while praying

and praying while smoking
is totally the same thing.

The difference lies in
the perception of the other.

There are people who, before telling you
something, have to explain their premises.

Those who say:

"I have something to tell you.

But let me explain my premise."

I don't care. Tell me the fact!

Or vice versa.

There are people who call a spade a spade.

You may need to know
the causes of that effect.

If a doctor says to his patient:

"Mr. Mario, Giovanni whatever
the situation is pretty serious.

Luckily we got in in time.

We are optimistic for the future."

Or he says: "Luckily we got it
in time, we are optimistic,

but the situation is pretty serious."

It's the same reality, isn't it?

What changes is the perception.

So, the logical sequences:
cause and effect; effect and cause.

Past, present, future;
future, past, present

are the meaning that people give
to what they have to say.

Let's listen to them, without judging.
Let' recognize and appreciate them.

Second to last exercise.

Listen to what lies between the words.

"T" stands for "trans".

Trans means "beyond."

Between and beyond the words.

For example, mums are very good
at reading between the words.

"How was school today?" "Mmm."

So, from that, "Mmmh",
mum starts digging up.

Does "Mmmh" mean that you failed,
that you skipped it,

or that the teacher wasn't at school?

In their investigations,
mums are moved by love.

Detectives investigate too,
but with police and coercive methods.

Psychoanalysts investigate too.

We should go through and beneath
the words in order to listen.

We could help the speaker
by asking good questions.

Let's take the sentence: "I'm scared."

What scares you?
How long have you been scared?

How are you scared?

In which way?

Where did you feel that you were scared?

The question: "Why?"
is not always a good question.

"I don't want to go out with you." "Why?"

"Because I said no!"

The question: "Why?"
often provokes a closure.

By facing the issue less directly,
you could go under, inside, around words.

This way, you can bring
something important to light.

And now there is the last point.

The "O" of "ascolto" requires
doing a weird thing.

I ask you to read
this sentence backwards.

It is like when, landing after a flight,

you think about the journey
and about its starting point.

Read it backwards.

"Once upon a time."

"C'era una volta."

"il était une fois."

"Había una vez."

Almost all tales start in this way,
with this formula.

It is the narration of the narrations.
Tales are stories par excellence.

And people tell stories.

We listen to the stories of people.
They are not just the facts.

They represent the value
that people give to that fact.

If I had to tell you something
about this pen,

I would tell you that
it's plastic with some metal.

I would tell you the fact.

If I told you what this pen
represents for me,

you could get an idea
from the fact that I keep it here,

in my pocket not in my pencil case.

It's its value, it's the person
who gave it to me.

It's the value I give to it.

People don't make love or war for facts,

but for the meaning
they give to these facts.

So ...

there are people who tell you about
their medical exam,

or about the film or TED they watched.

Other people tell you stories
that they would like to live someday.

"I have a dream."

Martin Luther King described his goal
in the form of a dream.

A dream is a story in the past.

The power to move between past and present
is a typical feature of all stories.

Let's listen to
people's stories with love.

This is the biggest act of love
we can perform to someone.

Just listen to their stories.

And given that I have the sensation
that you've listened to me.

Just let me say:

Thank you.

(Applause)