-
Ebony Roberts: I remember
watching my father raise the pistol
-
to my mother's head.
-
She pleaded with him to put the gun down,
-
but he ignored her.
-
When she bolted toward the door,
he followed close behind
-
and once outside,
he fired one single shot.
-
I was 12.
-
I remember this moment frame by frame.
-
I remember feeling numb.
-
I remember feeling alone.
-
Thank God, the bullet missed her,
-
but my family would never be the same.
-
I would never be the same.
-
I didn't know then all the ways
-
that my parents' on-again,
off-again relationship would impact me,
-
but I knew I didn't want
a love like theirs.
-
My story would be different.
-
Years later, when I met you,
-
I fell madly in love.
-
Our connection was undeniable.
-
It was as if you had been
hand-picked just for me.
-
I thought we'd be together forever.
-
But we struggled with some
of the same issues my parents had,
-
and after nearly nine years together,
-
we called it quits.
-
We had Sekou then.
-
He was only three.
-
Though he was too young
to really understand what was going on,
-
he was old enough to know
-
that mommy and daddy
-
were not going to be living
in the same house anymore.
-
Our breakup hit me really hard.
-
But I decided
-
I wouldn't let my broken heart
get in the way of what was best for Sekou.
-
We struggled initially,
trying to navigate this new space
-
as co-parents.
-
I asked myself,
-
how do we raise this beautiful boy
full of wonder and promise
-
and so much power,
-
in spite of our failures as a couple?
-
The answer for me was simple.
-
I could either choose fear,
-
fear of being alone,
-
fear of the unknown,
-
or choose love.
-
And I chose love.
-
That means seeing
the good in you as a father.
-
It means seeing
the good in you as a father
-
and not your missteps as a partner.
-
It means putting Sekou first every time,
-
even if it means I don't get my way.
-
I know my parents went back and forth
-
trying to work things out
for my brother and I's sake.
-
Though I appreciate their effort,
-
I wish they hadn't.
-
I saw too much, I heard too much.
-
I knew I didn't want
that to be Sekou's story.
-
I wanted Sekou to know
-
what it was like to see
two parents who got along,
-
two parents who worked together as a team.
-
I wanted him to know
-
what love looks like in its truest form.
-
Love is patient, love is kind.
-
Love does not anger easily,
-
it keeps no wrongs.
-
Love always protects,
-
always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres.
-
Shaka Senghor: It was 1983.
-
I was 11 years old.
-
I remember being in a basement
with my father,
-
in our home on the east side of Detroit.
-
I watched him stuff albums
-
into the blue and orange milk crates,
-
as tears streamed from his eyes.
-
Just before that,
-
him and my mother
-
had just sat me and my siblings down
-
and told us that they
were calling it quits.
-
Thirty years later,
-
I found myself with tears in my eyes,
-
as I packed my belongings in our home.
-
Ebony and I met
-
while I was serving
a 19-year prison sentence.
-
For four years,
-
we used letters, phone calls and visits
-
to build what we had imagined
to be an unshakeable bond.
-
We fought the system together,
-
and we thought that we would be able
to right the wrongs of our parents.
-
She was a poet,
-
I was a writer.
-
She was gorgeous, with a PhD.
-
I was handsome,
-
with a GED.
-
(Laughter)
-
We built something magical.
-
We built something
that we thought would endure.
-
But unfortunately,
-
our relationship became unhinged
when I was released from prison.
-
Post-traumatic stress syndrome,
-
trauma from prior to going to prison,
-
baggage from her relationship,
-
my inexperience in a relationship
-
undid the magic of what we built
behind the walls.
-
Centered in all of that
-
was our beautiful boy.
-
I remember when we first
brought Sekou home.
-
It was so exciting, it was amazing,
-
we worked together, we collaborated,
-
we supported each other.
-
You took the night shift,
I took the morning shift.
-
And it was going amazing.
-
And then it all changed.
-
It changed the morning that you came in
really excited, you was like,
-
"Hey, I'm going back to work!
-
Aren't you excited?"
-
And I was like, "Yes.
I am ecstatic right now.
-
(Laughter)
-
I cannot be more delighted."
-
But inside, I was really afraid.
-
But I couldn't tell you that.
-
So instead, I said,
-
"Hey, go off and have a wonderful day."
-
And you left,
-
and I was left with Sekou.
-
What I understand now about that moment
-
is that we were fostering a trust
-
that's necessary for parents to coexist.
-
And that you were trusting me
with our most precious gift.
-
And that you were building the foundation
and the blocks for what's important
-
for this portal we call parenthood.
-
ER: Knowing how our parents'
breakups impacted us,
-
you know, we were really sensitive
-
about how our breakup would impact Sekou.
-
We struggled,
-
but we found our way.
-
And let Sekou tell it,
-
we're the best parents in the world.
-
I love that he sees us that way.
-
We made a choice in the beginning
-
to co-parent as allies
and not adversaries.
-
To break the toxic pattern
-
that we see play out over and over again
-
when parents lose focus
on what's most important,
-
the children.
-
They allow their relationship pain
to get in the way.
-
But at the end of the day,
we're on the same team,
-
and that's Sekou's team.
-
You know, I have to admit,
-
we have an unconventional relationship
-
a lot of people don't understand.
-
We're not perfect as parents or people.
-
But we honor each other's role
in Sekou's life.
-
We allow him to do things
-
that our parents
would never allow us to do.
-
We don't allow our fears
to put limits on him.
-
We nurture his natural curiosity
about the universe
-
and his relationship to the world.
-
Remember that time when we were
coming in from a long day at work,
-
and Sekou found a puddle outside,
-
a puddle of mud, mind you.
-
Had a brand new fresh outfit on,
Levi's from head to toe.
-
And he found this puddle of mud,
and he reached for it.
-
And he wanted to touch the muddy earth,
and we allowed him to do that.
-
We resisted the urge to say no,
-
and in fact, went and got him a shovel,
-
and allowed him
to feel the earth's properties
-
and explore as much
as he wanted to, and he played,
-
and was as happy as a pig in mud.
-
(Laughter)
-
We realized that the outfit
could be washed,
-
that a bath would clean up all the dirt,
-
but the thrill of being in the moment,
-
of being able to touch
-
and be amazed at this thing
that he had never discovered before
-
was more valuable than the clothes
or the dirt that could be washed away.
-
We continue to rethink
what is right and wrong
-
when it comes to parenting.
-
Sekou challenges us every day.
-
You know, we allow him to climb on couches
-
and draw on his clothes and his shoes,
-
let him run around the store --
well, I do, anyway.
-
And I get the death stares
from other mamas who look at me
-
and who think that children should be
quiet and well-behaved in public.
-
I also get those questions
that are really judgments,
-
but I don't pay them any mind.
-
Because at the end of the day,
-
our job is to guide Sekou
on this journey of life,
-
not to control him.
-
We're here to help him
figure out his place in the world,
-
to uncover his greatest gifts,
-
to discover why he was born.
-
We are raising a free black boy
-
in a world that despises black joy,
-
and we refuse to put limits on him
that the world already has.
-
SS: Our parenting
can be seen as an allegory
-
for this two-sided coin of possibilities.
-
On one side,
-
the reality of raising
a black boy in a society
-
that says that black boys,
black bodies and black lives
-
only seen as profitable or disposable.
-
And then there's the other side.
-
Possibility of two parents
who are no longer together
-
coexisting, supporting each other,
-
loving each other,
showing affection publicly
-
in a way that honors
the relationship with our son.
-
And even more importantly
-
is the power to support each other
in all those vulnerable moments.
-
There was this one time
-
that it was my day to go pick up Sekou,
you remember that time?
-
I go pick Sekou up, he's in first grade,
-
and as I'm walking up,
-
another parent walks up
and says, "Hey, Shaka.
-
I seen Oprah Winfrey
give a shout-out to you
-
on CNN last night."
-
She was super excited, exuberant even.
-
I was mortified.
-
Because I thought, what's going to happen
when she tells another parent,
-
and they tell another parent,
-
and then they go and look me up
-
and then they discover
-
that I was in prison
for second-degree murder.
-
And then their child hears about it.
-
And they come to school,
and they say to Sekou,
-
"Your dad was convicted
of murdering someone."
-
And I remember,
as watching Sekou race out,
-
and I knew that I had to call Ebony.
-
When I called her,
I explained to her what happened,
-
Ebony said, "You have to have the talk."
-
So I took Sekou home,
-
got him ready for bed,
-
and we talked for half an hour.
-
I talked to him
about why I went to prison.
-
And I listened to his feedback.
-
And then we called his mom
so we can do our nightly ritual
-
of her offering prayer
-
and then me doing affirmations.
-
And I remember holding him tightly.
-
And I realized the importance
of the affirmations that we do at night.
-
And I see them as a road map, as a guide,
-
as a touchstone
for other parents to protect
-
and to empower their children,
-
especially in a world
where it's very difficult.
-
For us, co-parenting is so much more
-
than scheduling pick-up and drop-off,
-
playdates,
-
deciding what he's going to wear,
what he's going to eat.
-
For us, it's about helping
each other carry the weight,
-
unpack the load,
-
and to show up in the world
in a way that honors the beauty
-
of our son.
-
And it's for these reasons
that we do affirmations.
-
ER: We never though we'd be here.
-
But here we are.
-
And we hope that the way
that we show up for Sekou
-
and for each other
-
is a model of what successful
co-parenting can look like.
-
We'd like to bring you all in
to this nightly ritual of affirmations
-
that Shaka does with Sekou
every night at bedtime.
-
SS: Hey.
-
(Applause)
-
SS: I am great.
Sekou: I am great.
-
SS: I am awesome.
Sekou: I am awesome.
-
SS: I'm amazing.
Sekou: I'm amazing.
-
SS: I am thoughtful.
Sekou: I am thoughtful.
-
SS: I am kind.
Sekou: I am kind.
-
SS: I am loving.
Sekou: I am loving.
-
SS: I am caring.
Sekou: I am caring.
-
SS: I am funny.
Sekou: I am funny.
-
SS: I'm smart.
Sekou: I'm smart.
-
SS: I'm a big boy.
Sekou: I'm a big boy.
-
SS: I'm a soldier.
Sekou: I'm a soldier.
-
SS: I'm a warrior.
Sekou: I'm a warrior.
-
SS: I am Sekou.
Sekou: I am Sekou.
-
(Cheers and applause)
-
ER: Good job, baby.
Natsuhiko Mizutani
12:52 ER: We never *thought* we'd be here. <-- ER: We never though we'd be here.