WEBVTT 00:00:01.667 --> 00:00:06.059 Ebony Roberts: I remember watching my father raise the pistol 00:00:06.083 --> 00:00:07.333 to my mother's head. 00:00:08.083 --> 00:00:11.643 She pleaded with him to put the gun down, 00:00:11.667 --> 00:00:12.917 but he ignored her. 00:00:14.500 --> 00:00:18.143 When she bolted toward the door, he followed close behind 00:00:18.167 --> 00:00:21.917 and once outside, he fired one single shot. 00:00:22.958 --> 00:00:24.208 I was 12. 00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:27.875 I remember this moment frame by frame. 00:00:28.667 --> 00:00:30.458 I remember feeling numb. 00:00:31.167 --> 00:00:33.417 I remember feeling alone. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:34.958 --> 00:00:37.184 Thank God, the bullet missed her, 00:00:37.208 --> 00:00:39.583 but my family would never be the same. 00:00:40.500 --> 00:00:42.583 I would never be the same. 00:00:44.083 --> 00:00:46.726 I didn't know then all the ways 00:00:46.750 --> 00:00:50.851 that my parents' on-again, off-again relationship would impact me, 00:00:50.875 --> 00:00:54.184 but I knew I didn't want a love like theirs. 00:00:54.208 --> 00:00:56.292 My story would be different. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:57.250 --> 00:01:00.351 Years later, when I met you, 00:01:00.375 --> 00:01:02.476 I fell madly in love. 00:01:02.500 --> 00:01:05.184 Our connection was undeniable. 00:01:05.208 --> 00:01:08.250 It was as if you had been hand-picked just for me. 00:01:09.542 --> 00:01:12.143 I thought we'd be together forever. 00:01:12.167 --> 00:01:15.434 But we struggled with some of the same issues my parents had, 00:01:15.458 --> 00:01:17.809 and after nearly nine years together, 00:01:17.833 --> 00:01:19.083 we called it quits. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:19.958 --> 00:01:22.018 We had Sekou then. 00:01:22.042 --> 00:01:23.851 He was only three. 00:01:23.875 --> 00:01:27.351 Though he was too young to really understand what was going on, 00:01:27.375 --> 00:01:28.809 he was old enough to know 00:01:28.833 --> 00:01:30.101 that mommy and daddy 00:01:30.125 --> 00:01:32.750 were not going to be living in the same house anymore. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:33.750 --> 00:01:35.875 Our breakup hit me really hard. 00:01:40.375 --> 00:01:42.018 But I decided 00:01:42.042 --> 00:01:46.792 I wouldn't let my broken heart get in the way of what was best for Sekou. 00:01:47.625 --> 00:01:50.476 We struggled initially, trying to navigate this new space 00:01:50.500 --> 00:01:51.750 as co-parents. 00:01:53.542 --> 00:01:55.476 I asked myself, 00:01:55.500 --> 00:02:00.351 how do we raise this beautiful boy full of wonder and promise 00:02:00.375 --> 00:02:01.934 and so much power, 00:02:01.958 --> 00:02:03.958 in spite of our failures as a couple? 00:02:04.917 --> 00:02:07.375 The answer for me was simple. 00:02:08.750 --> 00:02:10.393 I could either choose fear, 00:02:10.417 --> 00:02:11.976 fear of being alone, 00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:14.101 fear of the unknown, 00:02:14.125 --> 00:02:15.684 or choose love. 00:02:15.708 --> 00:02:17.768 And I chose love. 00:02:17.792 --> 00:02:21.601 That means seeing the good in you as a father. 00:02:21.625 --> 00:02:24.434 It means seeing the good in you as a father 00:02:24.458 --> 00:02:26.976 and not your missteps as a partner. 00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:29.684 It means putting Sekou first every time, 00:02:29.708 --> 00:02:31.833 even if it means I don't get my way. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:33.083 --> 00:02:36.684 I know my parents went back and forth 00:02:36.708 --> 00:02:40.917 trying to work things out for my brother and I's sake. 00:02:42.083 --> 00:02:43.893 Though I appreciate their effort, 00:02:43.917 --> 00:02:45.476 I wish they hadn't. 00:02:45.500 --> 00:02:48.643 I saw too much, I heard too much. 00:02:48.667 --> 00:02:52.768 I knew I didn't want that to be Sekou's story. 00:02:52.792 --> 00:02:54.559 I wanted Sekou to know 00:02:54.583 --> 00:02:57.726 what it was like to see two parents who got along, 00:02:57.750 --> 00:03:00.643 two parents who worked together as a team. 00:03:00.667 --> 00:03:01.934 I wanted him to know 00:03:01.958 --> 00:03:04.625 what love looks like in its truest form. 00:03:06.458 --> 00:03:09.851 Love is patient, love is kind. 00:03:09.875 --> 00:03:12.934 Love does not anger easily, 00:03:12.958 --> 00:03:15.351 it keeps no wrongs. 00:03:15.375 --> 00:03:18.726 Love always protects, 00:03:18.750 --> 00:03:22.667 always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:25.750 --> 00:03:27.542 Shaka Senghor: It was 1983. 00:03:28.667 --> 00:03:30.292 I was 11 years old. 00:03:31.417 --> 00:03:35.018 I remember being in a basement with my father, 00:03:35.042 --> 00:03:37.893 in our home on the east side of Detroit. 00:03:37.917 --> 00:03:41.059 I watched him stuff albums 00:03:41.083 --> 00:03:44.684 into the blue and orange milk crates, 00:03:44.708 --> 00:03:46.917 as tears streamed from his eyes. 00:03:48.250 --> 00:03:50.667 Just before that, 00:03:51.625 --> 00:03:53.500 him and my mother 00:03:54.667 --> 00:03:57.518 had just sat me and my siblings down 00:03:57.542 --> 00:03:59.958 and told us that they were calling it quits. 00:04:01.208 --> 00:04:02.792 Thirty years later, 00:04:03.875 --> 00:04:06.476 I found myself with tears in my eyes, 00:04:06.500 --> 00:04:09.417 as I packed my belongings in our home. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:11.833 --> 00:04:13.458 Ebony and I met 00:04:15.333 --> 00:04:17.917 while I was serving a 19-year prison sentence. 00:04:20.083 --> 00:04:21.559 For four years, 00:04:21.583 --> 00:04:26.226 we used letters, phone calls and visits 00:04:26.250 --> 00:04:30.333 to build what we had imagined to be an unshakeable bond. 00:04:31.625 --> 00:04:34.101 We fought the system together, 00:04:34.125 --> 00:04:38.250 and we thought that we would be able to right the wrongs of our parents. 00:04:39.292 --> 00:04:41.143 She was a poet, 00:04:41.167 --> 00:04:43.059 I was a writer. 00:04:43.083 --> 00:04:46.518 She was gorgeous, with a PhD. 00:04:46.542 --> 00:04:48.351 I was handsome, 00:04:48.375 --> 00:04:49.643 with a GED. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:49.667 --> 00:04:53.934 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:53.958 --> 00:04:56.684 We built something magical. 00:04:56.708 --> 00:04:59.893 We built something that we thought would endure. 00:04:59.917 --> 00:05:01.768 But unfortunately, 00:05:01.792 --> 00:05:06.059 our relationship became unhinged when I was released from prison. 00:05:06.083 --> 00:05:08.792 Post-traumatic stress syndrome, 00:05:10.167 --> 00:05:12.542 trauma from prior to going to prison, 00:05:14.500 --> 00:05:16.809 baggage from her relationship, 00:05:16.833 --> 00:05:19.726 my inexperience in a relationship 00:05:19.750 --> 00:05:24.167 undid the magic of what we built behind the walls. 00:05:26.292 --> 00:05:28.292 Centered in all of that 00:05:29.083 --> 00:05:30.583 was our beautiful boy. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:32.250 --> 00:05:34.625 I remember when we first brought Sekou home. 00:05:35.750 --> 00:05:37.434 It was so exciting, it was amazing, 00:05:37.458 --> 00:05:39.268 we worked together, we collaborated, 00:05:39.292 --> 00:05:40.643 we supported each other. 00:05:40.667 --> 00:05:44.309 You took the night shift, I took the morning shift. 00:05:44.333 --> 00:05:46.083 And it was going amazing. 00:05:47.667 --> 00:05:49.250 And then it all changed. 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:54.268 It changed the morning that you came in really excited, you was like, 00:05:54.292 --> 00:05:56.351 "Hey, I'm going back to work! 00:05:56.375 --> 00:05:57.875 Aren't you excited?" 00:05:58.917 --> 00:06:02.226 And I was like, "Yes. I am ecstatic right now. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:02.250 --> 00:06:03.559 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:03.583 --> 00:06:05.417 I cannot be more delighted." 00:06:07.292 --> 00:06:09.583 But inside, I was really afraid. 00:06:10.458 --> 00:06:12.083 But I couldn't tell you that. 00:06:13.375 --> 00:06:14.643 So instead, I said, 00:06:14.667 --> 00:06:16.583 "Hey, go off and have a wonderful day." NOTE Paragraph 00:06:20.417 --> 00:06:22.309 And you left, 00:06:22.333 --> 00:06:24.333 and I was left with Sekou. 00:06:26.292 --> 00:06:28.476 What I understand now about that moment 00:06:28.500 --> 00:06:30.893 is that we were fostering a trust 00:06:30.917 --> 00:06:34.125 that's necessary for parents to coexist. 00:06:35.125 --> 00:06:38.333 And that you were trusting me with our most precious gift. 00:06:39.375 --> 00:06:43.643 And that you were building the foundation and the blocks for what's important 00:06:43.667 --> 00:06:46.417 for this portal we call parenthood. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:48.375 --> 00:06:52.518 ER: Knowing how our parents' breakups impacted us, 00:06:52.542 --> 00:06:54.163 you know, we were really sensitive 00:06:54.177 --> 00:06:56.417 about how our breakup would impact Sekou. 00:06:59.250 --> 00:07:01.101 We struggled, 00:07:01.125 --> 00:07:02.542 but we found our way. 00:07:04.208 --> 00:07:05.893 And let Sekou tell it, 00:07:05.917 --> 00:07:08.184 we're the best parents in the world. 00:07:08.208 --> 00:07:10.601 I love that he sees us that way. 00:07:10.625 --> 00:07:12.768 We made a choice in the beginning 00:07:12.792 --> 00:07:16.976 to co-parent as allies and not adversaries. 00:07:17.000 --> 00:07:19.101 To break the toxic pattern 00:07:19.125 --> 00:07:21.934 that we see play out over and over again 00:07:21.958 --> 00:07:25.809 when parents lose focus on what's most important, 00:07:25.833 --> 00:07:27.101 the children. 00:07:27.125 --> 00:07:30.143 They allow their relationship pain to get in the way. 00:07:30.167 --> 00:07:32.601 But at the end of the day, we're on the same team, 00:07:32.625 --> 00:07:34.417 and that's Sekou's team. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:35.750 --> 00:07:37.434 You know, I have to admit, 00:07:37.458 --> 00:07:39.351 we have an unconventional relationship 00:07:39.375 --> 00:07:41.768 a lot of people don't understand. 00:07:41.792 --> 00:07:45.309 We're not perfect as parents or people. 00:07:45.333 --> 00:07:48.125 But we honor each other's role in Sekou's life. 00:07:49.542 --> 00:07:51.768 We allow him to do things 00:07:51.792 --> 00:07:54.851 that our parents would never allow us to do. 00:07:54.875 --> 00:07:58.667 We don't allow our fears to put limits on him. 00:07:59.750 --> 00:08:03.184 We nurture his natural curiosity about the universe 00:08:03.208 --> 00:08:05.809 and his relationship to the world. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:05.833 --> 00:08:09.018 Remember that time when we were coming in from a long day at work, 00:08:09.042 --> 00:08:12.518 and Sekou found a puddle outside, 00:08:12.542 --> 00:08:14.018 a puddle of mud, mind you. 00:08:14.042 --> 00:08:18.059 Had a brand new fresh outfit on, Levi's from head to toe. 00:08:18.083 --> 00:08:21.643 And he found this puddle of mud, and he reached for it. 00:08:21.667 --> 00:08:25.101 And he wanted to touch the muddy earth, and we allowed him to do that. 00:08:25.125 --> 00:08:28.226 We resisted the urge to say no, 00:08:28.250 --> 00:08:30.143 and in fact, went and got him a shovel, 00:08:30.167 --> 00:08:32.351 and allowed him to feel the earth's properties 00:08:32.375 --> 00:08:34.768 and explore as much as he wanted to, and he played, 00:08:34.792 --> 00:08:36.643 and was as happy as a pig in mud. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:36.667 --> 00:08:37.726 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:08:37.750 --> 00:08:40.393 We realized that the outfit could be washed, 00:08:40.417 --> 00:08:43.018 that a bath would clean up all the dirt, 00:08:43.042 --> 00:08:45.851 but the thrill of being in the moment, 00:08:45.875 --> 00:08:47.143 of being able to touch 00:08:47.167 --> 00:08:51.184 and be amazed at this thing that he had never discovered before 00:08:51.208 --> 00:08:55.417 was more valuable than the clothes or the dirt that could be washed away. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:56.792 --> 00:09:00.726 We continue to rethink what is right and wrong 00:09:00.750 --> 00:09:02.809 when it comes to parenting. 00:09:02.833 --> 00:09:05.768 Sekou challenges us every day. 00:09:05.792 --> 00:09:09.934 You know, we allow him to climb on couches 00:09:09.958 --> 00:09:13.518 and draw on his clothes and his shoes, 00:09:13.542 --> 00:09:16.917 let him run around the store -- well, I do, anyway. 00:09:17.917 --> 00:09:21.976 And I get the death stares from other mamas who look at me 00:09:22.000 --> 00:09:25.934 and who think that children should be quiet and well-behaved in public. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:25.958 --> 00:09:28.768 I also get those questions that are really judgments, 00:09:28.792 --> 00:09:30.976 but I don't pay them any mind. 00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:32.768 Because at the end of the day, 00:09:32.792 --> 00:09:37.684 our job is to guide Sekou on this journey of life, 00:09:37.708 --> 00:09:39.643 not to control him. 00:09:39.667 --> 00:09:43.351 We're here to help him figure out his place in the world, 00:09:43.375 --> 00:09:46.601 to uncover his greatest gifts, 00:09:46.625 --> 00:09:49.351 to discover why he was born. 00:09:49.375 --> 00:09:51.309 We are raising a free black boy 00:09:51.333 --> 00:09:53.684 in a world that despises black joy, 00:09:53.708 --> 00:09:57.250 and we refuse to put limits on him that the world already has. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:00.083 --> 00:10:03.309 SS: Our parenting can be seen as an allegory 00:10:03.333 --> 00:10:06.684 for this two-sided coin of possibilities. 00:10:06.708 --> 00:10:08.000 On one side, 00:10:09.250 --> 00:10:12.684 the reality of raising a black boy in a society 00:10:12.708 --> 00:10:16.726 that says that black boys, black bodies and black lives 00:10:16.750 --> 00:10:20.208 only seen as profitable or disposable. 00:10:21.542 --> 00:10:23.375 And then there's the other side. 00:10:24.292 --> 00:10:27.268 Possibility of two parents who are no longer together 00:10:27.292 --> 00:10:30.184 coexisting, supporting each other, 00:10:30.208 --> 00:10:33.393 loving each other, showing affection publicly 00:10:33.417 --> 00:10:36.333 in a way that honors the relationship with our son. 00:10:38.375 --> 00:10:39.976 And even more importantly 00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:43.601 is the power to support each other in all those vulnerable moments. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:43.625 --> 00:10:45.726 There was this one time 00:10:45.750 --> 00:10:48.750 that it was my day to go pick up Sekou, you remember that time? 00:10:49.583 --> 00:10:52.309 I go pick Sekou up, he's in first grade, 00:10:52.333 --> 00:10:53.643 and as I'm walking up, 00:10:53.667 --> 00:10:57.184 another parent walks up and says, "Hey, Shaka. 00:10:57.208 --> 00:10:59.726 I seen Oprah Winfrey give a shout-out to you 00:10:59.750 --> 00:11:01.292 on CNN last night." 00:11:02.250 --> 00:11:05.083 She was super excited, exuberant even. 00:11:06.083 --> 00:11:07.583 I was mortified. 00:11:08.333 --> 00:11:12.476 Because I thought, what's going to happen when she tells another parent, 00:11:12.500 --> 00:11:14.309 and they tell another parent, 00:11:14.333 --> 00:11:16.518 and then they go and look me up 00:11:16.542 --> 00:11:17.809 and then they discover 00:11:17.833 --> 00:11:20.393 that I was in prison for second-degree murder. 00:11:20.417 --> 00:11:22.643 And then their child hears about it. 00:11:22.667 --> 00:11:26.351 And they come to school, and they say to Sekou, 00:11:26.375 --> 00:11:29.042 "Your dad was convicted of murdering someone." 00:11:30.833 --> 00:11:34.018 And I remember, as watching Sekou race out, 00:11:34.042 --> 00:11:36.083 and I knew that I had to call Ebony. 00:11:37.125 --> 00:11:40.476 When I called her, I explained to her what happened, 00:11:40.500 --> 00:11:42.458 Ebony said, "You have to have the talk." NOTE Paragraph 00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:46.518 So I took Sekou home, 00:11:46.542 --> 00:11:48.559 got him ready for bed, 00:11:48.583 --> 00:11:50.667 and we talked for half an hour. 00:11:51.833 --> 00:11:54.476 I talked to him about why I went to prison. 00:11:54.500 --> 00:11:56.809 And I listened to his feedback. 00:11:56.833 --> 00:11:59.851 And then we called his mom so we can do our nightly ritual 00:11:59.875 --> 00:12:02.476 of her offering prayer 00:12:02.500 --> 00:12:05.143 and then me doing affirmations. 00:12:05.167 --> 00:12:07.500 And I remember holding him tightly. 00:12:08.375 --> 00:12:11.934 And I realized the importance of the affirmations that we do at night. 00:12:11.958 --> 00:12:15.268 And I see them as a road map, as a guide, 00:12:15.292 --> 00:12:20.018 as a touchstone for other parents to protect 00:12:20.042 --> 00:12:22.434 and to empower their children, 00:12:22.458 --> 00:12:26.143 especially in a world where it's very difficult. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:26.167 --> 00:12:29.518 For us, co-parenting is so much more 00:12:29.542 --> 00:12:32.226 than scheduling pick-up and drop-off, 00:12:32.250 --> 00:12:34.059 playdates, 00:12:34.083 --> 00:12:37.184 deciding what he's going to wear, what he's going to eat. 00:12:37.208 --> 00:12:40.226 For us, it's about helping each other carry the weight, 00:12:40.250 --> 00:12:42.059 unpack the load, 00:12:42.083 --> 00:12:46.309 and to show up in the world in a way that honors the beauty 00:12:46.333 --> 00:12:48.143 of our son. 00:12:48.167 --> 00:12:51.375 And it's for these reasons that we do affirmations. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:52.458 --> 00:12:54.893 ER: We never though we'd be here. 00:12:54.917 --> 00:12:56.434 But here we are. 00:12:56.458 --> 00:13:00.059 And we hope that the way that we show up for Sekou 00:13:00.083 --> 00:13:01.351 and for each other 00:13:01.375 --> 00:13:05.101 is a model of what successful co-parenting can look like. 00:13:05.125 --> 00:13:08.809 We'd like to bring you all in to this nightly ritual of affirmations 00:13:08.833 --> 00:13:12.250 that Shaka does with Sekou every night at bedtime. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:14.958 --> 00:13:16.226 SS: Hey. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:16.250 --> 00:13:21.792 (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:13:23.625 --> 00:13:25.309 SS: I am great. Sekou: I am great. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:25.333 --> 00:13:27.143 SS: I am awesome. Sekou: I am awesome. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:27.167 --> 00:13:28.893 SS: I'm amazing. Sekou: I'm amazing. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:28.917 --> 00:13:30.976 SS: I am thoughtful. Sekou: I am thoughtful. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:31.000 --> 00:13:32.518 SS: I am kind. Sekou: I am kind. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:32.542 --> 00:13:34.226 SS: I am loving. Sekou: I am loving. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:34.250 --> 00:13:35.934 SS: I am caring. Sekou: I am caring. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:35.958 --> 00:13:37.559 SS: I am funny. Sekou: I am funny. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:37.583 --> 00:13:39.155 SS: I'm smart. Sekou: I'm smart. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:39.179 --> 00:13:41.037 SS: I'm a big boy. Sekou: I'm a big boy. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:41.061 --> 00:13:42.976 SS: I'm a soldier. Sekou: I'm a soldier. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:43.000 --> 00:13:44.934 SS: I'm a warrior. Sekou: I'm a warrior. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:44.958 --> 00:13:46.559 SS: I am Sekou. Sekou: I am Sekou. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:46.583 --> 00:13:52.643 (Cheers and applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:13:52.667 --> 00:13:53.917 ER: Good job, baby.