What's really going on with Elle Mills? [CC English & Español] | Kati Morton

- Hey, everybody.

I am joined by the wonderful and amazing--

- Elle Mills.
- Elle Mills.

So tell your audience
a little bit about you.

- Yeah, so, I make videos about

my life in little short movies.

I like to say to people
who haven't watched them,

think if Ferris Bueller
had a YouTube channel.

- Oh, yeah, I agree.

But I love her content.

I will link all of her things
down in the description,

and we're doing a video over there,

so you have to check that out.

But I really just wanted you to share.

'Cause you've kinda been on a journey

we could say in the past two years?

- Yeah.

- I know you've talked
openly about being burnt out.

Like, you put out your video,

I think it was Burnt Out At 19, right?

- Yes.

- Can you tell us a little
bit about what that felt like?

I think a lot of people throw
around the term burn out.

What did it feel like for you?

- For me, it was my
breaking point, basically.

Where I couldn't do anymore.

And if I had gone any further,

I don't know where I would be.

So I was working myself to exhaustion.

I was doing too much at once.

Too much that I couldn't handle it.

And it was just because
I was growing so fast,

I couldn't keep up with it.

I gained a million in a year.

- That comes with pressure, I feel.

Not that I've gained a million in a year.

- But I feel like a lot of it also came,

like, I had my coming out video go viral,

and then it became a pressure

to be representation for LGBT community.

- Versus just being L.

L's always been, essentially.

- Exactly.

And also before that,
before the coming out video,

there was still pressure to make content

that was bigger and better,

and trying to top myself every week.

- And you do huge projects.

One of the most recent ones was

putting all the balloons on your house.

Doing the Up--

- Up house, yeah.

Turn my house into Up.

Yeah, so, it's not easy videos to make.

And so I was doing that
once a week on that scale.

And Casey Neistat gave me a
huge shout-out on his video,

and then that became a different level

where other creators were talking about me

and I felt pressure 'cause I was

a huge YouTube fan growing up.

And so, there was just all
these external pressures

on top of the internal pressure,

and I think I experienced my
first panic attack on tour.

So then I went on tour in April,

and it was just, like, traveling

and never being home,

and all of it just spiraling.

It was after Playlist Live for Orlando.

- I remember 'cause I was there,

and you were just doing so much.

Like, back to back to
back to back to back,

doing all sorts of shit.

And I was like, it's a lot.

- Mhm, it is.

- And then, as you do more,

and the thing about the
Internet that is wonderful

and terrible is that as you do
more, then they expect more.

Like you said, always
trying to top yourself.

When your videos honestly would take

any other production company
months to put together,

and you're expected to
it on the weekly basis.

And that's a lot.

So what made you realize this?

Just so exhausted?

Did you think something
was wrong with you?

- What made me realize I was burnt out?

- Yeah.

- I had a mental breakdown.

And I made it very public.

Yeah, so I had a huge public breakdown

and I posted this video

and made everyone very concerned.

I remember that day being
a very, very bad day.

Probably my darkest day.

And then after that,
that's when my manager

and my family decided I needed a break,

and it was kind of like a mutual decision.

Like, it was just them stepping in

and being like, okay, you're done now.

- Was that good?

Was it like a relief?

- Yeah.

Oh my gosh, 'cause I
remember right after Playlist

that weekend I was supposed
to go back on tour.

And then a week after that,

travel to New York for filming something.

- That's so much stuff.

- Yeah.

And then I was making
videos on top of that.

- Holy shit, Elle.

- Yeah.

I feel like everyone kinda realized,

and obviously the mental
breakdown was a big sign.

- Well, you can only take so much, right?

And you've struggled off
and on with depression.

Am I right or is that more burn-out?

- I'd say it was depression,

but I've only started experiencing that,

it was like, once I started YouTube.

- Okay, interesting.
- Yeah, so it was very recent.

- I've always felt that it's a lot

of energy out of ourselves to create.

And this is no dog.

Like, I love what I do.

I'm sure you love what you do too,

but I think it definitely can be hard.

And especially all that instant feedback,

which can be good or bad.

Do you think that's what's created it?

- Yeah.

And knowing that everyone
can see how well I'm doing

and I can see how well I'm
doing by the views and numbers.

So, like, it's not just me,
like, oh, I know I'm doing bad,

but everyone else can see
if I'm doing bad as well.

Just having that.

- Yeah and that sucks.

Especially if we've felt the high,

and then people are like, oh, well,

you're not growing at the same rate.

Everybody can see all that data.

- Yeah, for sure.

- Yeah, totally.

So you took a break.

And then what else have you done?

'Cause you are doing much better.

- Yes.

- I can just tell from seeing you around.

I'm like, oh, I think she's happier.

I think she's more like herself.

- I'm definitely doing better.

So, I think being open with
everyone has been really helpful

because I know I'm very hard on myself.

So I guess it's the best
way to self-sabotage.

I don't know what it is.

I push myself to my limit,

and I have people now who are there

just saying no, you can't do that.

Like, I think last week every
hour I was doing something.

It was after, oh, nevermind.

I was filming something all day.

- Yes, yes.

- I was filming something all day,

and I got back at, like, 12 a.m.

- Quite a long day, yeah.

- Yeah, my manager said I think I'm gonna

cancel the two meetings tomorrow.

And I'm like, no, no, I can do
it, I can do it, I can do it.

And I knew I couldn't.

I was literally crying.

- You physically could get
there, but mentally, like--

- And so, he stepped in and he said no.

- That's good, yeah.
- Yeah.

So, like, having those people
there has been really helpful.

Obviously I have no set
schedule for my videos.

So removing that pressure

and just posting whenever I'm inspired

or whenever I want to make a video.

And yeah, just taking time for myself

for sure has been helpful.

- It sounds like maybe you're
more on that way to Type A,

where I'm like, oh, I'll do it.

I can do it all.

I'll just put it on my schedule

and I'll just make it happen

until I'm crying watching
television or something random.

And I'm like, wow.

I'm like, I need to get back
in therapy and go for walks.

That helps me take care of myself.

So it sounds like it's still a balance,

but you definitely have things in place.

People in place.

Are there certain things that you do

that have been the most helpful?

Like, have you tried therapy?

I don't even know.

I know we've talked
about stuff off and on.

- I did it for a bit, but then I moved,

so I haven't been able to find one,

'cause I must have been trapped.

The problem with my other
therapist is I kept on traveling.

And they would be too busy,

and so, like, our
schedules didn't match up.

And so, I still have
to dive more into that.

- Yeah, figure out what works for you.

- Exactly.

- And person therapy
doesn't work for everybody,

'cause we do travel a lot.

Makes it hard to be regular.

- Yeah, for sure.

But I often just talk out my feelings

to certain friends and stuff.

- Mhm, that's good.

Having a support system.

- Mhm, exactly.

- Any advice to any viewers that might be

feeling kinda down and out or pushed to

their limit with work, school, whatever?

- It's so simple, but literally
take time for yourself.

I think just knowing that,

just don't push yourself too much,

because, you know, life's too short.

I think, for me, what pushed me to

the point of a mental breakdown was that

I didn't talk to anyone about it

and I think it's very
helpful to kinda get help

and talk about how you're feeling.

People will help and people
will take care of you,

because people care about you.

People will wanna
support you and all that.

- Yeah, like, listening and support.

Friends are great for that.

And even groups on Facebook
are great for that,

'cause I think a lot of
it, at least even for me,

is like permission to take a break.

Permission to take time to like,

oh, I need to go for a
walk, even if I'm like,

shit, I don't really
have the time in my day.

I even told Shawn, I'm like,

I can't do other things
if I don't do this.

So this is a priority.

- Exactly.

- But then I still feel guilty.

- I know, me too.

But having a friend being
like, no, you're gonna go out

and go to a movie with
us instead is, it's nice.

Yeah.
- Yeah.

Good, well, I'm glad you're doing better.

- Well, thank you.

- And thanks for sharing your story.

And like I said, she
does have other videos

where you really deep
dive into how it was,

and you can kinda see the progression,

which, I'm just glad you're doing better.

- Yeah, thank you so much.

- And thanks for filming with me.

- Oh, no worries.

- Yay.

And we'll see you guys next time.

Bye.