1 00:00:00,380 --> 00:00:01,213 - Hey, everybody. 2 00:00:01,213 --> 00:00:02,953 I am joined by the wonderful and amazing-- 3 00:00:02,953 --> 00:00:04,360 - Elle Mills. - Elle Mills. 4 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:06,141 So tell your audience a little bit about you. 5 00:00:06,141 --> 00:00:08,928 - Yeah, so, I make videos about 6 00:00:08,928 --> 00:00:11,647 my life in little short movies. 7 00:00:11,647 --> 00:00:14,491 I like to say to people who haven't watched them, 8 00:00:14,491 --> 00:00:17,220 think if Ferris Bueller had a YouTube channel. 9 00:00:17,220 --> 00:00:18,180 - Oh, yeah, I agree. 10 00:00:18,180 --> 00:00:20,210 But I love her content. 11 00:00:20,210 --> 00:00:21,870 I will link all of her things down in the description, 12 00:00:21,870 --> 00:00:22,960 and we're doing a video over there, 13 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:24,320 so you have to check that out. 14 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:25,824 But I really just wanted you to share. 15 00:00:25,824 --> 00:00:27,283 'Cause you've kinda been on a journey 16 00:00:27,283 --> 00:00:29,660 we could say in the past two years? 17 00:00:29,660 --> 00:00:30,660 - Yeah. 18 00:00:30,660 --> 00:00:33,270 - I know you've talked openly about being burnt out. 19 00:00:33,270 --> 00:00:34,103 Like, you put out your video, 20 00:00:34,103 --> 00:00:36,037 I think it was Burnt Out At 19, right? 21 00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:36,870 - Yes. 22 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,422 - Can you tell us a little bit about what that felt like? 23 00:00:38,422 --> 00:00:40,799 I think a lot of people throw around the term burn out. 24 00:00:40,799 --> 00:00:42,517 What did it feel like for you? 25 00:00:42,517 --> 00:00:46,629 - For me, it was my breaking point, basically. 26 00:00:46,629 --> 00:00:48,601 Where I couldn't do anymore. 27 00:00:48,601 --> 00:00:50,270 And if I had gone any further, 28 00:00:50,270 --> 00:00:51,520 I don't know where I would be. 29 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:56,520 So I was working myself to exhaustion. 30 00:00:56,687 --> 00:00:59,967 I was doing too much at once. 31 00:00:59,967 --> 00:01:01,873 Too much that I couldn't handle it. 32 00:01:01,873 --> 00:01:06,011 And it was just because I was growing so fast, 33 00:01:06,011 --> 00:01:08,143 I couldn't keep up with it. 34 00:01:11,789 --> 00:01:12,966 I gained a million in a year. 35 00:01:12,966 --> 00:01:16,495 - That comes with pressure, I feel. 36 00:01:16,495 --> 00:01:19,913 Not that I've gained a million in a year. 37 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,013 - But I feel like a lot of it also came, 38 00:01:23,013 --> 00:01:25,527 like, I had my coming out video go viral, 39 00:01:25,527 --> 00:01:27,590 and then it became a pressure 40 00:01:27,590 --> 00:01:30,749 to be representation for LGBT community. 41 00:01:30,749 --> 00:01:32,405 - Versus just being L. 42 00:01:32,405 --> 00:01:33,930 L's always been, essentially. 43 00:01:33,930 --> 00:01:34,763 - Exactly. 44 00:01:34,763 --> 00:01:36,290 And also before that, before the coming out video, 45 00:01:36,290 --> 00:01:38,480 there was still pressure to make content 46 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,440 that was bigger and better, 47 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,455 and trying to top myself every week. 48 00:01:42,455 --> 00:01:44,362 - And you do huge projects. 49 00:01:44,362 --> 00:01:46,669 One of the most recent ones was 50 00:01:46,669 --> 00:01:48,842 putting all the balloons on your house. 51 00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,233 Doing the Up-- 52 00:01:50,233 --> 00:01:51,570 - Up house, yeah. 53 00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:52,987 Turn my house into Up. 54 00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:56,330 Yeah, so, it's not easy videos to make. 55 00:01:56,330 --> 00:01:59,325 And so I was doing that once a week on that scale. 56 00:01:59,325 --> 00:02:04,325 And Casey Neistat gave me a huge shout-out on his video, 57 00:02:04,859 --> 00:02:07,070 and then that became a different level 58 00:02:07,070 --> 00:02:09,870 where other creators were talking about me 59 00:02:09,870 --> 00:02:10,940 and I felt pressure 'cause I was 60 00:02:10,940 --> 00:02:12,344 a huge YouTube fan growing up. 61 00:02:12,344 --> 00:02:14,740 And so, there was just all these external pressures 62 00:02:14,740 --> 00:02:16,682 on top of the internal pressure, 63 00:02:16,682 --> 00:02:20,063 and I think I experienced my first panic attack on tour. 64 00:02:20,063 --> 00:02:22,031 So then I went on tour in April, 65 00:02:22,031 --> 00:02:24,066 and it was just, like, traveling 66 00:02:24,066 --> 00:02:26,080 and never being home, 67 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,751 and all of it just spiraling. 68 00:02:27,751 --> 00:02:31,103 It was after Playlist Live for Orlando. 69 00:02:31,103 --> 00:02:32,840 - I remember 'cause I was there, 70 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,865 and you were just doing so much. 71 00:02:35,865 --> 00:02:38,320 Like, back to back to back to back to back, 72 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:39,496 doing all sorts of shit. 73 00:02:39,496 --> 00:02:40,495 And I was like, it's a lot. 74 00:02:40,495 --> 00:02:42,210 - Mhm, it is. 75 00:02:42,210 --> 00:02:43,320 - And then, as you do more, 76 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,640 and the thing about the Internet that is wonderful 77 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:47,837 and terrible is that as you do more, then they expect more. 78 00:02:47,837 --> 00:02:49,880 Like you said, always trying to top yourself. 79 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,150 When your videos honestly would take 80 00:02:52,150 --> 00:02:54,980 any other production company months to put together, 81 00:02:54,980 --> 00:02:56,939 and you're expected to it on the weekly basis. 82 00:02:56,939 --> 00:02:58,453 And that's a lot. 83 00:02:58,453 --> 00:03:01,007 So what made you realize this? 84 00:03:01,007 --> 00:03:02,446 Just so exhausted? 85 00:03:02,446 --> 00:03:04,215 Did you think something was wrong with you? 86 00:03:04,215 --> 00:03:06,593 - What made me realize I was burnt out? 87 00:03:06,593 --> 00:03:07,860 - Yeah. 88 00:03:07,860 --> 00:03:08,882 - I had a mental breakdown. 89 00:03:08,882 --> 00:03:11,843 And I made it very public. 90 00:03:13,787 --> 00:03:15,623 Yeah, so I had a huge public breakdown 91 00:03:15,623 --> 00:03:17,439 and I posted this video 92 00:03:17,439 --> 00:03:19,454 and made everyone very concerned. 93 00:03:19,454 --> 00:03:24,454 I remember that day being a very, very bad day. 94 00:03:25,732 --> 00:03:27,340 Probably my darkest day. 95 00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:29,270 And then after that, that's when my manager 96 00:03:29,270 --> 00:03:30,819 and my family decided I needed a break, 97 00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:33,091 and it was kind of like a mutual decision. 98 00:03:33,091 --> 00:03:36,640 Like, it was just them stepping in 99 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,540 and being like, okay, you're done now. 100 00:03:39,946 --> 00:03:40,779 - Was that good? 101 00:03:40,779 --> 00:03:41,612 Was it like a relief? 102 00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:42,445 - Yeah. 103 00:03:42,445 --> 00:03:43,757 Oh my gosh, 'cause I remember right after Playlist 104 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:46,660 that weekend I was supposed to go back on tour. 105 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,155 And then a week after that, 106 00:03:48,155 --> 00:03:51,445 travel to New York for filming something. 107 00:03:51,445 --> 00:03:53,480 - That's so much stuff. 108 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:54,313 - Yeah. 109 00:03:54,313 --> 00:03:55,870 And then I was making videos on top of that. 110 00:03:55,870 --> 00:03:57,655 - Holy shit, Elle. 111 00:03:57,655 --> 00:03:58,844 - Yeah. 112 00:03:58,844 --> 00:04:01,275 I feel like everyone kinda realized, 113 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:04,530 and obviously the mental breakdown was a big sign. 114 00:04:04,530 --> 00:04:06,359 - Well, you can only take so much, right? 115 00:04:06,359 --> 00:04:08,320 And you've struggled off and on with depression. 116 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,150 Am I right or is that more burn-out? 117 00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:12,276 - I'd say it was depression, 118 00:04:12,276 --> 00:04:14,171 but I've only started experiencing that, 119 00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:16,740 it was like, once I started YouTube. 120 00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:19,513 - Okay, interesting. - Yeah, so it was very recent. 121 00:04:19,513 --> 00:04:21,592 - I've always felt that it's a lot 122 00:04:21,592 --> 00:04:24,297 of energy out of ourselves to create. 123 00:04:24,297 --> 00:04:26,710 And this is no dog. 124 00:04:26,710 --> 00:04:27,580 Like, I love what I do. 125 00:04:27,580 --> 00:04:28,630 I'm sure you love what you do too, 126 00:04:28,630 --> 00:04:30,966 but I think it definitely can be hard. 127 00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:33,003 And especially all that instant feedback, 128 00:04:33,003 --> 00:04:34,420 which can be good or bad. 129 00:04:34,420 --> 00:04:36,223 Do you think that's what's created it? 130 00:04:36,223 --> 00:04:37,322 - Yeah. 131 00:04:37,322 --> 00:04:41,360 And knowing that everyone can see how well I'm doing 132 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,660 and I can see how well I'm doing by the views and numbers. 133 00:04:43,660 --> 00:04:46,270 So, like, it's not just me, like, oh, I know I'm doing bad, 134 00:04:46,270 --> 00:04:48,444 but everyone else can see if I'm doing bad as well. 135 00:04:48,444 --> 00:04:49,523 Just having that. 136 00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:51,300 - Yeah and that sucks. 137 00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:52,860 Especially if we've felt the high, 138 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,310 and then people are like, oh, well, 139 00:04:54,310 --> 00:04:55,980 you're not growing at the same rate. 140 00:04:55,980 --> 00:04:57,353 Everybody can see all that data. 141 00:04:57,353 --> 00:04:58,320 - Yeah, for sure. 142 00:04:58,320 --> 00:04:59,740 - Yeah, totally. 143 00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:00,876 So you took a break. 144 00:05:00,876 --> 00:05:03,503 And then what else have you done? 145 00:05:03,503 --> 00:05:05,440 'Cause you are doing much better. 146 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:06,273 - Yes. 147 00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:07,810 - I can just tell from seeing you around. 148 00:05:07,810 --> 00:05:09,120 I'm like, oh, I think she's happier. 149 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,573 I think she's more like herself. 150 00:05:10,573 --> 00:05:12,570 - I'm definitely doing better. 151 00:05:12,570 --> 00:05:17,570 So, I think being open with everyone has been really helpful 152 00:05:17,740 --> 00:05:20,434 because I know I'm very hard on myself. 153 00:05:20,434 --> 00:05:24,881 So I guess it's the best way to self-sabotage. 154 00:05:24,881 --> 00:05:26,128 I don't know what it is. 155 00:05:26,128 --> 00:05:28,229 I push myself to my limit, 156 00:05:28,229 --> 00:05:30,875 and I have people now who are there 157 00:05:30,875 --> 00:05:32,950 just saying no, you can't do that. 158 00:05:32,950 --> 00:05:37,423 Like, I think last week every hour I was doing something. 159 00:05:37,423 --> 00:05:41,900 It was after, oh, nevermind. 160 00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:43,349 I was filming something all day. 161 00:05:43,349 --> 00:05:44,470 - Yes, yes. 162 00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:45,610 - I was filming something all day, 163 00:05:45,610 --> 00:05:47,899 and I got back at, like, 12 a.m. 164 00:05:47,899 --> 00:05:50,160 - Quite a long day, yeah. 165 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,350 - Yeah, my manager said I think I'm gonna 166 00:05:53,350 --> 00:05:54,790 cancel the two meetings tomorrow. 167 00:05:54,790 --> 00:05:57,177 And I'm like, no, no, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. 168 00:05:57,177 --> 00:05:58,760 And I knew I couldn't. 169 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,520 I was literally crying. 170 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,050 - You physically could get there, but mentally, like-- 171 00:06:03,050 --> 00:06:05,158 - And so, he stepped in and he said no. 172 00:06:05,158 --> 00:06:06,690 - That's good, yeah. - Yeah. 173 00:06:06,690 --> 00:06:09,240 So, like, having those people there has been really helpful. 174 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,841 Obviously I have no set schedule for my videos. 175 00:06:12,841 --> 00:06:15,426 So removing that pressure 176 00:06:15,426 --> 00:06:17,667 and just posting whenever I'm inspired 177 00:06:17,667 --> 00:06:20,143 or whenever I want to make a video. 178 00:06:22,102 --> 00:06:24,438 And yeah, just taking time for myself 179 00:06:24,438 --> 00:06:27,048 for sure has been helpful. 180 00:06:27,048 --> 00:06:30,123 - It sounds like maybe you're more on that way to Type A, 181 00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:32,130 where I'm like, oh, I'll do it. 182 00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:33,230 I can do it all. 183 00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:34,190 I'll just put it on my schedule 184 00:06:34,190 --> 00:06:35,151 and I'll just make it happen 185 00:06:35,151 --> 00:06:39,524 until I'm crying watching television or something random. 186 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:40,763 And I'm like, wow. 187 00:06:40,763 --> 00:06:44,233 I'm like, I need to get back in therapy and go for walks. 188 00:06:44,233 --> 00:06:46,145 That helps me take care of myself. 189 00:06:46,145 --> 00:06:49,998 So it sounds like it's still a balance, 190 00:06:49,998 --> 00:06:52,280 but you definitely have things in place. 191 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:53,570 People in place. 192 00:06:53,570 --> 00:06:55,232 Are there certain things that you do 193 00:06:55,232 --> 00:06:56,065 that have been the most helpful? 194 00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:57,040 Like, have you tried therapy? 195 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:58,326 I don't even know. 196 00:06:58,326 --> 00:06:59,390 I know we've talked about stuff off and on. 197 00:06:59,390 --> 00:07:00,940 - I did it for a bit, but then I moved, 198 00:07:00,940 --> 00:07:02,490 so I haven't been able to find one, 199 00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:03,610 'cause I must have been trapped. 200 00:07:03,610 --> 00:07:06,226 The problem with my other therapist is I kept on traveling. 201 00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:08,630 And they would be too busy, 202 00:07:08,630 --> 00:07:10,730 and so, like, our schedules didn't match up. 203 00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:14,480 And so, I still have to dive more into that. 204 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:15,940 - Yeah, figure out what works for you. 205 00:07:15,940 --> 00:07:16,773 - Exactly. 206 00:07:16,773 --> 00:07:17,980 - And person therapy doesn't work for everybody, 207 00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:19,312 'cause we do travel a lot. 208 00:07:19,312 --> 00:07:20,930 Makes it hard to be regular. 209 00:07:20,930 --> 00:07:21,884 - Yeah, for sure. 210 00:07:21,884 --> 00:07:24,300 But I often just talk out my feelings 211 00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:25,480 to certain friends and stuff. 212 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:26,410 - Mhm, that's good. 213 00:07:26,410 --> 00:07:27,490 Having a support system. 214 00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:28,357 - Mhm, exactly. 215 00:07:28,357 --> 00:07:31,131 - Any advice to any viewers that might be 216 00:07:31,131 --> 00:07:33,144 feeling kinda down and out or pushed to 217 00:07:33,144 --> 00:07:35,593 their limit with work, school, whatever? 218 00:07:37,605 --> 00:07:40,768 - It's so simple, but literally take time for yourself. 219 00:07:40,768 --> 00:07:43,229 I think just knowing that, 220 00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:45,659 just don't push yourself too much, 221 00:07:45,659 --> 00:07:48,743 because, you know, life's too short. 222 00:07:51,250 --> 00:07:55,585 I think, for me, what pushed me to 223 00:07:55,585 --> 00:07:57,710 the point of a mental breakdown was that 224 00:07:57,710 --> 00:07:59,410 I didn't talk to anyone about it 225 00:07:59,410 --> 00:08:01,720 and I think it's very helpful to kinda get help 226 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,941 and talk about how you're feeling. 227 00:08:03,941 --> 00:08:07,390 People will help and people will take care of you, 228 00:08:07,390 --> 00:08:08,360 because people care about you. 229 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,144 People will wanna support you and all that. 230 00:08:10,144 --> 00:08:11,707 - Yeah, like, listening and support. 231 00:08:11,707 --> 00:08:13,130 Friends are great for that. 232 00:08:13,130 --> 00:08:14,720 And even groups on Facebook are great for that, 233 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,240 'cause I think a lot of it, at least even for me, 234 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,512 is like permission to take a break. 235 00:08:18,512 --> 00:08:21,220 Permission to take time to like, 236 00:08:21,220 --> 00:08:22,640 oh, I need to go for a walk, even if I'm like, 237 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:24,409 shit, I don't really have the time in my day. 238 00:08:24,409 --> 00:08:26,372 I even told Shawn, I'm like, 239 00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:29,210 I can't do other things if I don't do this. 240 00:08:29,210 --> 00:08:31,227 So this is a priority. 241 00:08:31,227 --> 00:08:32,290 - Exactly. 242 00:08:32,290 --> 00:08:33,731 - But then I still feel guilty. 243 00:08:33,731 --> 00:08:35,240 - I know, me too. 244 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,857 But having a friend being like, no, you're gonna go out 245 00:08:38,857 --> 00:08:43,015 and go to a movie with us instead is, it's nice. 246 00:08:43,015 --> 00:08:43,848 Yeah. - Yeah. 247 00:08:43,848 --> 00:08:45,440 Good, well, I'm glad you're doing better. 248 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:46,273 - Well, thank you. 249 00:08:46,273 --> 00:08:47,150 - And thanks for sharing your story. 250 00:08:47,150 --> 00:08:49,010 And like I said, she does have other videos 251 00:08:49,010 --> 00:08:50,930 where you really deep dive into how it was, 252 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,080 and you can kinda see the progression, 253 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,230 which, I'm just glad you're doing better. 254 00:08:53,230 --> 00:08:54,130 - Yeah, thank you so much. 255 00:08:54,130 --> 00:08:55,360 - And thanks for filming with me. 256 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,375 - Oh, no worries. 257 00:08:56,375 --> 00:08:57,208 - Yay. 258 00:08:57,208 --> 00:08:58,041 And we'll see you guys next time. 259 00:08:58,041 --> 00:08:58,874 Bye.