- Hey, everybody.
I am joined by the wonderful and amazing--
- Elle Mills. - Elle Mills.
So tell your audience a little bit about you.
- Yeah, so, I make videos about
my life in little short movies.
I like to say to people who haven't watched them,
think if Ferris Bueller had a YouTube channel.
- Oh, yeah, I agree.
But I love her content.
I will link all of her things down in the description,
and we're doing a video over there,
so you have to check that out.
But I really just wanted you to share.
'Cause you've kinda been on a journey
we could say in the past two years?
- Yeah.
- I know you've talked openly about being burnt out.
Like, you put out your video,
I think it was Burnt Out At 19, right?
- Yes.
- Can you tell us a little bit about what that felt like?
I think a lot of people throw around the term burn out.
What did it feel like for you?
- For me, it was my breaking point, basically.
Where I couldn't do anymore.
And if I had gone any further,
I don't know where I would be.
So I was working myself to exhaustion.
I was doing too much at once.
Too much that I couldn't handle it.
And it was just because I was growing so fast,
I couldn't keep up with it.
I gained a million in a year.
- That comes with pressure, I feel.
Not that I've gained a million in a year.
- But I feel like a lot of it also came,
like, I had my coming out video go viral,
and then it became a pressure
to be representation for LGBT community.
- Versus just being L.
L's always been, essentially.
- Exactly.
And also before that, before the coming out video,
there was still pressure to make content
that was bigger and better,
and trying to top myself every week.
- And you do huge projects.
One of the most recent ones was
putting all the balloons on your house.
Doing the Up--
- Up house, yeah.
Turn my house into Up.
Yeah, so, it's not easy videos to make.
And so I was doing that once a week on that scale.
And Casey Neistat gave me a huge shout-out on his video,
and then that became a different level
where other creators were talking about me
and I felt pressure 'cause I was
a huge YouTube fan growing up.
And so, there was just all these external pressures
on top of the internal pressure,
and I think I experienced my first panic attack on tour.
So then I went on tour in April,
and it was just, like, traveling
and never being home,
and all of it just spiraling.
It was after Playlist Live for Orlando.
- I remember 'cause I was there,
and you were just doing so much.
Like, back to back to back to back to back,
doing all sorts of shit.
And I was like, it's a lot.
- Mhm, it is.
- And then, as you do more,
and the thing about the Internet that is wonderful
and terrible is that as you do more, then they expect more.
Like you said, always trying to top yourself.
When your videos honestly would take
any other production company months to put together,
and you're expected to it on the weekly basis.
And that's a lot.
So what made you realize this?
Just so exhausted?
Did you think something was wrong with you?
- What made me realize I was burnt out?
- Yeah.
- I had a mental breakdown.
And I made it very public.
Yeah, so I had a huge public breakdown
and I posted this video
and made everyone very concerned.
I remember that day being a very, very bad day.
Probably my darkest day.
And then after that, that's when my manager
and my family decided I needed a break,
and it was kind of like a mutual decision.
Like, it was just them stepping in
and being like, okay, you're done now.
- Was that good?
Was it like a relief?
- Yeah.
Oh my gosh, 'cause I remember right after Playlist
that weekend I was supposed to go back on tour.
And then a week after that,
travel to New York for filming something.
- That's so much stuff.
- Yeah.
And then I was making videos on top of that.
- Holy shit, Elle.
- Yeah.
I feel like everyone kinda realized,
and obviously the mental breakdown was a big sign.
- Well, you can only take so much, right?
And you've struggled off and on with depression.
Am I right or is that more burn-out?
- I'd say it was depression,
but I've only started experiencing that,
it was like, once I started YouTube.
- Okay, interesting. - Yeah, so it was very recent.
- I've always felt that it's a lot
of energy out of ourselves to create.
And this is no dog.
Like, I love what I do.
I'm sure you love what you do too,
but I think it definitely can be hard.
And especially all that instant feedback,
which can be good or bad.
Do you think that's what's created it?
- Yeah.
And knowing that everyone can see how well I'm doing
and I can see how well I'm doing by the views and numbers.
So, like, it's not just me, like, oh, I know I'm doing bad,
but everyone else can see if I'm doing bad as well.
Just having that.
- Yeah and that sucks.
Especially if we've felt the high,
and then people are like, oh, well,
you're not growing at the same rate.
Everybody can see all that data.
- Yeah, for sure.
- Yeah, totally.
So you took a break.
And then what else have you done?
'Cause you are doing much better.
- Yes.
- I can just tell from seeing you around.
I'm like, oh, I think she's happier.
I think she's more like herself.
- I'm definitely doing better.
So, I think being open with everyone has been really helpful
because I know I'm very hard on myself.
So I guess it's the best way to self-sabotage.
I don't know what it is.
I push myself to my limit,
and I have people now who are there
just saying no, you can't do that.
Like, I think last week every hour I was doing something.
It was after, oh, nevermind.
I was filming something all day.
- Yes, yes.
- I was filming something all day,
and I got back at, like, 12 a.m.
- Quite a long day, yeah.
- Yeah, my manager said I think I'm gonna
cancel the two meetings tomorrow.
And I'm like, no, no, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.
And I knew I couldn't.
I was literally crying.
- You physically could get there, but mentally, like--
- And so, he stepped in and he said no.
- That's good, yeah. - Yeah.
So, like, having those people there has been really helpful.
Obviously I have no set schedule for my videos.
So removing that pressure
and just posting whenever I'm inspired
or whenever I want to make a video.
And yeah, just taking time for myself
for sure has been helpful.
- It sounds like maybe you're more on that way to Type A,
where I'm like, oh, I'll do it.
I can do it all.
I'll just put it on my schedule
and I'll just make it happen
until I'm crying watching television or something random.
And I'm like, wow.
I'm like, I need to get back in therapy and go for walks.
That helps me take care of myself.
So it sounds like it's still a balance,
but you definitely have things in place.
People in place.
Are there certain things that you do
that have been the most helpful?
Like, have you tried therapy?
I don't even know.
I know we've talked about stuff off and on.
- I did it for a bit, but then I moved,
so I haven't been able to find one,
'cause I must have been trapped.
The problem with my other therapist is I kept on traveling.
And they would be too busy,
and so, like, our schedules didn't match up.
And so, I still have to dive more into that.
- Yeah, figure out what works for you.
- Exactly.
- And person therapy doesn't work for everybody,
'cause we do travel a lot.
Makes it hard to be regular.
- Yeah, for sure.
But I often just talk out my feelings
to certain friends and stuff.
- Mhm, that's good.
Having a support system.
- Mhm, exactly.
- Any advice to any viewers that might be
feeling kinda down and out or pushed to
their limit with work, school, whatever?
- It's so simple, but literally take time for yourself.
I think just knowing that,
just don't push yourself too much,
because, you know, life's too short.
I think, for me, what pushed me to
the point of a mental breakdown was that
I didn't talk to anyone about it
and I think it's very helpful to kinda get help
and talk about how you're feeling.
People will help and people will take care of you,
because people care about you.
People will wanna support you and all that.
- Yeah, like, listening and support.
Friends are great for that.
And even groups on Facebook are great for that,
'cause I think a lot of it, at least even for me,
is like permission to take a break.
Permission to take time to like,
oh, I need to go for a walk, even if I'm like,
shit, I don't really have the time in my day.
I even told Shawn, I'm like,
I can't do other things if I don't do this.
So this is a priority.
- Exactly.
- But then I still feel guilty.
- I know, me too.
But having a friend being like, no, you're gonna go out
and go to a movie with us instead is, it's nice.
Yeah. - Yeah.
Good, well, I'm glad you're doing better.
- Well, thank you.
- And thanks for sharing your story.
And like I said, she does have other videos
where you really deep dive into how it was,
and you can kinda see the progression,
which, I'm just glad you're doing better.
- Yeah, thank you so much.
- And thanks for filming with me.
- Oh, no worries.
- Yay.
And we'll see you guys next time.
Bye.