Love intelligence or the mission of the couple | Florentine d'Aulnois-Wang | TEDxNarbonne

"Falling in love happens by itself, but keeping it up is a conscious choice, a beautiful path for two."

As a couple therapist, Florentine strives to nurture, develop and recreate a married life that is connected to what is alive, fluid and wonderful in each partner. She reveals to us how we can know and rediscover ourselves through the other.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

One second.

It took me one second.

I entered his apartment.

He was cooking
and was standing in his kitchen.

Along the wall was a recipe book.

He was weighing potatoes
that were already peeled,

to cook a potato gratin.

He was weighing peeled potatoes.

One second!

In one second, I saw his essence,
the beauty of his being.

I was in love.

It was twenty years ago.

I was passing by his house unexpectedly.
it was raining. My hair was soaked.

So I started spreading happily
the content of my bag

on his couch to dry it.

You'd have seen the content of my bag!

One second!

In one second, he also fell
head over heels for me.

I saw him in his wonder,
and I saw him as a wonder.

Until the day his tidy apartment,
his tendency to organize everything,

and the well planned weeks,

started to really get on my nerves.

I came from a very free
and happily messy childhood.

At home, for example,
at the moment of eating,

we opened the fridge, took
what were inside and put it in the oven,

and it delighted everyone who were there.

So can you imagine me weighing
potatoes that were already peeled?

And this guy loved it so much.

Twenty years ago, he loved
so much my "last minute" side,

my tendency to improvise,

my things scattered
everywhere in the apartment,

life.

He saw me as a wonder,
and he saw me in my wonder,

until the day he started to feel
what a rubbish it was to live like that.

And gradually, like all
the couples in the world,

we switched from a crazy love
to a more difficult daily life.

Does it speak to you?

Ten years later, we had
three children, a house, our jobs,

and a lot of pain together,

enervating moments
where each theme goes into a spin.

When we weren't together,

I really felt love for him,
and I cared about him.

But as soon as we'd discuss a subject,
we'd fail to get along.

I felt desperate. I was terrified.

And I began to think about separation.

It was a nightmare.

Does this speaks to you?

"They got married, were happy
and had many children" is a hoax.

All that stuff about
the Charming Prince is a hoax.

These are just myths
preventing us from getting to work,

because love requires work.

For us, it started as a workshop,

an Imago couple workshop
in three days that changed everything.

They made us do incredible stuff

such as take a pause, slow down,

breathe,

interact and understand.

These three days changed everything.

We understood we had made
the perfect enrollment

to become alive again.

It is romantic to talk about
enrollment in love, isn't it?

Yet, it was a fundamental recruitment
because we are born wonders.

We are born wonders
that are full of potential.

Then, we made a trip.

But look my dears,

we have the ability to connect
or be in our bubble.

We've tenacity, tenderness, sensuality,

curiosity, creativity, joy and so on.

We are really born as wonders.

So we made a trip.

We made a trip in a family,
in a community.

We made a trip in a world
that gave us messages

and made us "psychiatrices".

No, that's not a slip of the tongue.

"Psychiatrices" means
"bruises on the soul,"

or "psychic scars."

During that trip, we put parts of us,

parts of our vitality,
our freedom to be and our joy...

... in a freezer.

And that's how we enter
the life of those wonders,

while we are partly frozen.

Here is the "Theory of the freezer."

Well, do you see a freezer?

Not this one.

There is another kind of freezer,
much more important,

the one in which we burried parts of us.

There may have been mourning,
abuse and maltreating.

In fact, simply growing up
withing my family

makes me decide to freeze parts of me.

For example, I'm four years old,

and I'm exploring Grandma's sewing box.

And I'm discovering the reels,
the scissors - I'm four, it's magic.

When Grandma comes back,
I understand immediately.

Her face, the tone of her voice,
something is wrong with me.

And I am four,

so I decide that my curiosity,

I'll put it in my little freezer.

Because as a child, I'll always decide
to let go of parts of myself

rather than risk losing
my connection with the other.

And then as a child too,
I'm going to take pictures.

I'll create photographic-like images
of the inside of my little world.

I make my little personal photo album

of the positive and negative
personal traits

of the people who took care of me.

And do you know what I'm going
to do when I reach adulthood?

Well, I'm going to fall
in love with someone

who looks like the photos in my album.

This is how, in a relationship,
we're wired to react agitatedly

for better and for worse.

Now let me recap.

When I fall in love,

1. I saw the wonder and I know
how wonderful you are.

2. I am still really alive in places
you have frozen a lot.

And that's when we say
"opposites attract each other."

3. I have the superpower
to push your buttons.

Indeed, I'm in your photo album!

So,

tirelessly, since I have seen
the wonder and know it,

I'm going to touch your nerve
to transform you

because I want the great "you".

I want you entirely.

And that's what creates crisis.

The intelligence of love, it's going from

"Ouch, you hurt me!"
so I defend myself in the relationship,

to "Ouch, I make you so close to my heart,

when you move,
you put your hand on my bruises.

It's painful. I need your help."

Because in love, we mustn't
mistaken the enemy.

The other is not the enemy,
the enemy is the bruises of my childhood.

It's our childhood's bruises
that take us hostage in the relationship.

And all that is of the order
of criticism, blame,

changes of mood and anger,

all that is just the twists our heart
makes to talk about deep needs.

And we've to learn
how to express them differently

because in a relationship,
we have a mission.

And the couple's mission
is to bring us back to our wonder,

to become whole again, alive, thawed ...

And it stings.

You know, those tinglings in our hands

after touching the snow,

we readily believe
that it's the cold that hurts,

but no, the cold numbs!

What burns us is the blood
that brings back life.

So we made an appointment.

I have a scoop for you:

between lovers,
even if we live together 24/7,

we have to make
appointments, in the diary,

with an agenda and a process
just like in the office.

That's how both of us,

by way of conversations,
we managed to make that journey

and welcome a little boy
from my husband's story

who always had to be tidy
in order to be loved,

and manage to welcome
and give love together

to a little girl from my childhood's trip
who had lacked quite a bit of guidance.

Then, those recurring conflicts

about messiness, tidiness,
improvisation, planning,

all those moments
where we had an argument,

all that dissolved.

I have a second scoop for you:

Conflict is not a problem,
it's the heart of the reactor.

It's precisely the moment
we have together

where we can turn lead into gold.

And without tools, without conscience,
lead is turned into a slurry.

Because our conflicts are gifts.

Conflict is growth knocking at the door.

But we pack those gifts
with such a repulsive paper

that no one wants to open them.

Who wants anger, rejection, violence,
bad mood, criticism, and victimization?

No one! ... No one.

Now this man and I,

each time a conflict emerges,

we sit down,

we breathe,

we connect,

and we make this trip
to enlighten our childhood,

in safety and connection.

And the two of us open those freezers

that prevents us from
completely loving ourselves.

It's similar to a relational meditation

whose purpose is to release
smoothly the cries from within,

and put them in another place.

To be in a relationship
is an initiatory journey.

Ladies and gentlemen, watch out!

Being in relationship
puts us in danger of living!

So, let's live!

And I can't resist presenting you ...

(Laughing) ... my laboratory of life!

(Cheers)

(Applause)

(Cheers)