Patton Oswalt's Star Wars Filibuster - Parks and Recreation

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Patton Oswalt's Star Wars Filibuster - Parks and Recreation
http://www.youtube.com/user/nbcParksandRec

(John Williams-esque score)

Article 7, Section 3 allows for a citizen filibuster.

If I stand here and refuse to yield my time, you are prohibited from voting on the bill.

Ahem. Let the filibustering begin.

As many of you have noted, that use the Internet, it has been announced that Disney has acquired the rights to the Star Wars franchise,

and in the summer of 2015, we will see the release of Star Wars Episode 7.

Herewith is my proposal for the plot of that movie.

Begin with standard title sequence and John Wiliams fanfare, followed by a scroll to be written.

I would like to mention that Brian DePalma wrote the original scroll for Star Wars Episode 4: A New Hope;

I think it would be a nice nod to the franchise if he were to write this opening scroll.

Then, pan down from the twin suns of Tatooine.

We are close on the mouth of the Sarlacc pit.

After a beat, the gloved Mandalorian armor gauntlet of Boba Fett grabs onto the sand outside the Sarlacc pit,

and the feared bounty hunter pulls himself from the maw of the sand beast.

Leslie: OK, this is exactly --

PO: And we realize that he survived his fall during the battle at Jabba's palace-ship.

Then do a hard cut to a repurposed Imperial Destroyer, which has now been taken over by the Rebels.

Commander Luke Skywalker, now a full Jedi Knight, training new Padawans, is using, ironically, his father Anakin's red lightsaber,

which will be a symbolic, I think, visual for his battle with how to both bring about the new Jedi order

while still acknowledging his father's fall from grace.

Leslie: This is exac--

PO: AS HE IS training the Padawans, we pan outside the control window to a nearby asteroid,

where we see, and PLEASE allow me to finish this, because it's gonna seem like a bit of a jump,

we see THANOS, who was the villain teased at the end of the first Avengers movie.

Now, Thanos, as you know, owns the Infinity Gauntlet,

which has the Time Gem, the Mind Gem, the Power Gem, the Space Gem, and the Reality Gem.

If he holds the Reality Gem, that means he can jump from different realities.

THIS will be our link to the Marvel universe from the Star Wars universe.

We then cut to Earth. Tony Stark realizes --

Leslie: OK, OK.

PO: TONY STARK REALIZES --

Leslie: THIS IS SOMEONE THAT -- I know who that is. I know who that is.

Leslie: This is the first person I've known.

PO: (sigh) Tony Stark realizes -- I do not recognize the chair --

that there has been a disturbance in what he will call a "time riven," for the time being.

I will allow JJ Abrams to think of a better term for this.

And he then starts to assemble the cream of the Marvel Universe.

NOT the second-tier superheroes that we saw in the first Avengers movie.

I'm sorry, but Hawkeye and Black Widow are not first-tier.

He would go find, HELLO, Spider-Man, Spider-Man exists in that universe.

He would go find Moon Knight. He would go find Daredevil.

He would go find Hercules, and then that could bring in the entire pantheon of Greek gods that we saw in Clash and Wrath of the Titans.

So now we have a giant three-franchise tie-in!

Now, cut back to the Imperial Star Destroyer.

Luke gets a visit from, and we only show this from the boots up first,

so we show these, like, black boots, and then we pan up, and

oh my god, it's Han Solo, but he's older and grizzled, and really, like, focused and cool,

like, he's seen some really bad stuff, and he actually seems shaken.

And Luke's like, "What's wrong, old buddy?"

And that's when Han drops CHEWBACCA'S SEVERED HEAD onto the floor! Yes!

Leslie: No way! Kids aren't gonna like it!

PO: On the floor in front of the Padawans!

Leslie: Kids aren't gonna --

PO: PLEASE LET ME FINISH THANK YOU.

PO: The Padawans are all horrified, and uh, uh, and Han says that the planet Kashyyyk has been destroyed by this very mysterious force.

Now, we know, oh, this was Thanos. Thanos is beginning to, y'know, gather power in this new universe.

So, while they take Chewie's head down to -- 'cause we've seen, y'know, that they can build new bodies --

they're gonna build Chewie this really cool robot -- I'm thinking spider body?

Like a cool spider body with Chewie's head and ion cannons on it?

But that will be -- he'll come back -- that'll be the post-credits tease of this film.

So keep that in mind; I don't want you guys bummed out, Chewbacca's not dead, he will come back.

Then, uh, then Han, then Luke looks down and Han's wedding ring is gone.

"Hey, what happened with you and Leia?"

And Han's like, "Don't even get me started on that."

So now where did Leia go? Where did Leia go? She's not gone, but we will find out --

Leslie: The female part's a little underwritten so far, sir! I'd like to point that out.

PO: Citizen filibuster, thank you. And really, thank you for respecting our town laws by interrupting me during this.

Where was I. Yes.

Leslie: This is exactly why we need to --

PO: THEN AT THE EDGE of the uh, Star Destroyer's orbit, suddenly the Time Riven begins wavering,

and what comes through? The X-Men's Quinjet. That's right!

What we did back on Earth was, we showed him gathering up all the heroes, but we didn't see him gathering up the X-Men,

so OH MY GOODNESS, now Wolverine's gonna be there, now Cyclops is gonna be there.

So the Quinjet comes through. Luke gets in his X-Wing to go meet them,

and they engage in this awesome star battle, and it looks like the Quinjet is actually going to shoot Luke down,

and suddenly this volley of lasers comes in, and what comes flying in, is,

we think it's gonna be the Millennium Falcon, just like in Episode 4,

when he comes in and saves him during the Battle of Yavin,

but NO, it is Slave One. That's right, Boba Fett's ship, Slave One, has to save Luke

because, of course, he's trying to track down Han, he can't have Luke die.

So NOW it's a battle between the Quinjet, between the X-Wing, between Slave One,

we see the Millennium Falcon is flying away, so uh, now uh, Slave One goes off to do that.

But now we cut down to Coruscant, where Princess Leia is consulting with Lando Calrissian.

Now it looks like they're just having a very intense meeting about trade regulations, and about --

I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT FINISH MY SPEAKING!

-- about trade regulations and -- but then suddenly when the rest of the Council Meeting leaves,

they fall into each other's arms.

Oh my god, Lando Calrissian and Princess Leia are having an affair!

And that is why Han Solo -- because look, Lando Calrissian was like, hey, if I'm gonna lose the Millennium Falcon to you,

I'll just take your woman. And he has.

So we set that triangle up.

Now cut back to the Quinjet. And REED RICHARDS and the Fantastic Four piloting it!

Oh, it was a fakeout!

It's him and we have select members of the X-Men that I thought, in my opinion,

were, um, were not focused on properly in the earlier films.

We have Colossus in there, we have X-23, which is Wolverine's daughter,

and then we have a now mind-controlled Sabretooth, and of course Wolverine.

So imagine THOSE two going up against Robot Chewbacca.

'Cause that's gonna happen. That is what we're teasing right now.

I literally have no fluid in my mouth.

I gotta do a Marco Rubio. Can we please cut?

(laughter, applause, cheering)

Amy Poehler: Oh. My. God.