The other side of the closet: a straight spouse speaks out | Emily Reese | TEDxUniversityofNevada

After Emily Fay Reese found out that her husband is gay, her journey was a long and difficult process toward healing. Nearly a decade later, she is thankful for her transparent life, which she uses to encourage straight spouses and those who come out to their husbands or wives. Her goal is to let others know that healing is possible. Find her blog at www.samesidessupportforstraightspouses.com

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

When I was a little girl I had a dream

that I would meet my prince charming,
he would sweep me off my feet.

We'd get married and maybe
practice making some babies.

And we would love happily ever after
with a white picket fence.

I did meet my prince charming,
he swept me right off my feet.

We had three beautiful children.

And we were living a perfect life,
and I had that white picket fence.

About eight years into our marriage

I began to get this sinking feeling
in my intuition

that something wasn't right.

Was it me?

Was it him?

Was that our relationship?

Something wasn't right.

So, I asked him about it.

And he laid my fears.

And I had to conclude
that I was the crazy one.

One day on our bank account
I found an amount that was spent

that caused me to think
that he was cheating on me.

So, I confronted him about it.

And he answered me emphatically
in a kind way,

"Emily, I would never cheat on you
with another woman."

Of course I didn't want to think that,
and I had no idea how to respond,

so I turned to my sarcastic self,

and I said, "What are you then?
Gay or something?"

His silence spoke volumes
that I didn't understand.

He answered me with his own question,

"So, you knew this whole time?"

Over the next year and a half
I dealt with so many things.

I don't even have
enough time to tell it all,

but I'm going to give you
a small list of some general things

so that you get a grasp
of what was going on for me.

I felt alone, and I didn't
want to tell anyone

because I didn't want anyone
to think I was stupid.

How could I be so naiive?

The last thing I wanted in the world
was to get a divorce from my husband

because I loved him.

And there were people
who absolutely said,

"Your only option is
to get a divorce, clearly."

And there were others including myself
struggled with both of these things.

In order to remain true

to my Christian values, my Christian faith
my marriage vows and the Scripture,

I had to stay married to him.

I felt stuck.

I tried manipulating him
and changing who he was.

I was in denial.

I used the kids against him.

I used the Scripture against him.

And I was desperate.

I was desperate because I didn't know
who I was without him.

Who was I apart him?

My white picket fence
and my perfect life crumbled.

Now I want to speak
to two different people today

about this scenario.

I'll be speaking first
to what I will call the straight spouse.

And then I'll be speaking
to the other person in the relationship.

Sometimes I might refer to it
as LGBTQ, lots of letters.

There's more than that.

Or I will say, "gay or lesbian spouse."

So just know
that they are interchangeable

in this context at this point.

My hope though even if you haven't
hopefully had to deal with this,

is that you will glean something
from it for yourself

because there, I feel,
are some good principles here.

First, to the straight spouse.

I want to tell you two things.

One: you are not alone.

Now I'm going to repeat that.

You are not alone.

There ware hundreds of thousands,
some estimates up to two million of us

who would either be gone through it,
or are going through it,

or just might go through it.

The interesting thing is that

there is no how-to book,

there is no black and yellow
"Straight Spouse for Dummies."

Now if there was either
A: I would love to write it

or B: I wouldn't even be up here,
wouldn't need to be.

When you're going through something
that doesn't have a step-by-step program

you've got to find people
who have been where you are

and are going through it.

Finding other people
helps you know you're not alone,

and it is a great step towards healing.

The second thing I want
to tell the straight spouse

is to find out who you are at your core.

Now I'm going to explain that briefly.

When two people get into a relationship
no matter how long you've been together

especially the longer
you've been together,

you end up losing, potentially,
part of your identity,

and melting it with the other person.

Now it's not necessarily a bad thing.

But whenever betrayal happens

you have to flounder

if you don't have something solid
to stand on.

So once that happens if it happens
and I pray that it doesn't happen to you,

find out who you are at your core,
and know and love yourself

because if you're going to be making
decisions that are difficult,

and you will be.

You've got to have something solid
to stand on.

If you're ging to be setting a boundary
that is very difficult to keep,

you have to know
and love yourself at your core,

so that you have something solid

to stand on.

It's a great step for healing.

Now, to the LGBTQ,
the gay or lesbian spouse

I want you to acknowledge something first.

Well,

I know that it's tough coming out.

There's nobody here in my world
that's going to say

that's a bad thing.

I used to think
that until my husband came out.

So I'm going to give you
two pieces of advice

because I believe
that it is necessary to share that.

I get contacts from people on my blog
and through other websites

asking, "What can I do to help my spouse?"
and thank you for wanting to help.

So here're my two pieces
of advice for you.

Tell the truth.

All of it.

It's easy to think
that once you tell the truth,

it feels like a light load
off of you, right?

Now, you've carried this load
whether you know your whole life or not,

and you take that burden off
because you figure out and it feels good.

I know it does.

That's not saying it's going
to be easy from there on now.

But you take that burden off
of your shoulders,

and put it squarely on the shoulders
of your unsuspecting spouse.

And let's just pretend you walk away
because that is what it kind of feels like

"Not doing this to beat anyone up,
just want you to understand."

So when we ask you for the truth,
don't give us a half truth,

don't not tell us because you
were afraid to hurt us more.

We have pieces missing
from that moment backward

that we need to understand
and the only way to understand that

is to get the full truth.

So I want to encourage you.

When your spouse asks you,
you don't walk away

because you feel lighter and you
don't think it matters because of this.

The second thing I want to tell
the gay or lesbian spouses is:

be humble and do
what you can to make amends.

Now you can't go back and change anything,

worrying about the past
is not going to help you at all.

But from that moment forward
I want to encourage you

to not say the words "Sorry, but..."

as in "I'm sorry I hurt you,
but I couldn't help it."

You see when we make excuses

it builds up walls of bitterness
and defensiveness for both parties.

What we want to hear and feel
is true humility

because we know when we hear it.

And it feels like we can heal finally.

I can't tell you what to say.

I don't know what that's going
to look like in your relationship,

but I do know that when I hear
from other straight spouses

who had a spouse who came out,

and it truly humbled their heart
before them in some way.

It is such a gateway to healing for us.

So whatever that is for you
I want to encourage you to do it.

Now.

When hurt happens in a relationship

the healing can seem impossible
if you feel alone;

the healing seems unattainable
if you don't know all the truth.

Healing can seem unfathomable

if the one who hurt you
is humble about it.

About the straight spouse
and the LGBTQ spouse:

be authentic,

know and love yourself.

And above all, more humbly
do what you can to help others heal.

Now, lastly to my ex-husband

whom I love and support,

I want to thank him for coming out

because if he hadn't,
I wouldn't know and love who I am,

regardless of anyone or anything

including this imperfect life
that I've lived.

Thank you.

(Applause)