Brené Brown on Blame

How many of you are blamers?

How many of you when
something goes wrong

the first thing you want to
know is whose fault it is?

Hi, my name is Brene.
I am a blamer. (laughter)

I'm going to tell you
this quick story.

So this is a couple years ago when I first
realized the magnitude to which I blame.

I'm in my house, I have on white
slacks and a pink sweater set

and I'm drinking a cup
of coffee in my kitchen.

It's a full cup of coffee.

I drop it on the tile floor, it goes into a
million pieces, splashes up all over me.

And the first--I mean a
millisecond after it hit the floor--

right out of my mouth is this:

"Damn you Steve."
(laughter)

...who is my husband.

Because let me tell you
how fast this works for me.

So Steve plays water polo
with a group of friends

and the night before he
went to go play water polo.

And I said, "Hey make sure
you come back at ten

cuz you know I can never fall
asleep until you're home."

And he got back like at 10:30 and so I
went to bed a little bit later than I thought.

Ergo my second cup of coffee that I
probably would not be having...

...had he come home
when we discussed.

Therefore...

And so the rest of the story is
I'm cleaning up the kitchen,

Steve calls, caller ID...

And I'm like, "Hey."
(short, flat tone)

And he's like, "Hey,
what's goin' on, Babe?"

(Brene scoffs) What's going on?
(audience laughter)

So, I'll tell you exactly what's going on.
(audience laughter)

I'm cleaning up the
coffee that spilled all...

ZZZZ, like dial tone.
(audience laughter)

Because he knows!

How many of you go to that place when
something bad happens the first thing

you want to know is whose fault is it?

I'd rather it be my fault than no
one's fault. Because why? Why?

Because it gives us some
semblance of control.

But here, if you enjoy blaming,

this is where you should stick
your fingers in your ear

and do the nuh-nuh-nuh thing because
I'm getting ready to ruin it for you.

Because here's what we
know from the research:

blame is simply the discharging
of discomfort and pain.

It has an inverse relationship
with accountability.

Accountability by definition
is a vulnerable process.

It means me calling you and saying,

"Hey, my feelings were really
hurt about this," and talking.

It's not blaming.

Blaming is simply a way
that we discharge anger.

People who blame a lot seldom
have the tenacity and grit

to actually hold people accountable

because we expend all of our
energy raging for 15 seconds

and figuring out
who's fault something is.

And blaming is very
corrosive in relationships

and it's one of the reasons we miss
our opportunities for empathy.

Because when something happens
and we're hearing a story

we're not really listening.

We're in the place where I was:

making the connections as quickly as we
can about whose fault something was.