How many of you are blamers?
How many of you when something goes wrong
the first thing you want to know is whose fault it is?
Hi, my name is Brene. I am a blamer. (laughter)
I'm going to tell you this quick story.
So this is a couple years ago when I first realized the magnitude to which I blame.
I'm in my house, I have on white slacks and a pink sweater set
and I'm drinking a cup of coffee in my kitchen.
It's a full cup of coffee.
I drop it on the tile floor, it goes into a million pieces, splashes up all over me.
And the first--I mean a millisecond after it hit the floor--
right out of my mouth is this:
"Damn you Steve." (laughter)
...who is my husband.
Because let me tell you how fast this works for me.
So Steve plays water polo with a group of friends
and the night before he went to go play water polo.
And I said, "Hey make sure you come back at ten
cuz you know I can never fall asleep until you're home."
And he got back like at 10:30 and so I went to bed a little bit later than I thought.
Ergo my second cup of coffee that I probably would not be having...
...had he come home when we discussed.
Therefore...
And so the rest of the story is I'm cleaning up the kitchen,
Steve calls, caller ID...
And I'm like, "Hey." (short, flat tone)
And he's like, "Hey, what's goin' on, Babe?"
(Brene scoffs) What's going on? (audience laughter)
So, I'll tell you exactly what's going on. (audience laughter)
I'm cleaning up the coffee that spilled all...
ZZZZ, like dial tone. (audience laughter)
Because he knows!
How many of you go to that place when something bad happens the first thing
you want to know is whose fault is it?
I'd rather it be my fault than no one's fault. Because why? Why?
Because it gives us some semblance of control.
But here, if you enjoy blaming,
this is where you should stick your fingers in your ear
and do the nuh-nuh-nuh thing because I'm getting ready to ruin it for you.
Because here's what we know from the research:
blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain.
It has an inverse relationship with accountability.
Accountability by definition is a vulnerable process.
It means me calling you and saying,
"Hey, my feelings were really hurt about this," and talking.
It's not blaming.
Blaming is simply a way that we discharge anger.
People who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and grit
to actually hold people accountable
because we expend all of our energy raging for 15 seconds
and figuring out who's fault something is.
And blaming is very corrosive in relationships
and it's one of the reasons we miss our opportunities for empathy.
Because when something happens and we're hearing a story
we're not really listening.
We're in the place where I was:
making the connections as quickly as we can about whose fault something was.