My OCD diary: an imperfect story | Julia Britz | TEDxUNLV
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0:16 - 0:19It was my eighth shower of the day,
-
0:19 - 0:23and I still couldn't convince myself
I was clean enough. -
0:23 - 0:27In my head, I counted,
"1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4," -
0:27 - 0:29over and over.
-
0:29 - 0:31I cried hard but quietly
-
0:31 - 0:34because no one
was supposed to see this. -
0:35 - 0:38I was terrified of germs
burrowing into my skin, -
0:38 - 0:42making the way to my liver,
which I was certain would fail - -
0:42 - 0:44my other organs soon to follow.
-
0:45 - 0:48And the images just looped
in my brain as I counted, -
0:48 - 0:50"1, 2, 3, 4."
-
0:50 - 0:54I just wanted to be clean,
and I couldn't stop. -
0:55 - 0:57The water was getting cold,
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0:57 - 1:01and my fingers pressed open
my purple loofah without my permission, -
1:01 - 1:03and I couldn't stop.
-
1:05 - 1:08I slammed the loofah to the floor,
and this thud gives me away, -
1:08 - 1:10and my husband opens the bathroom door.
-
1:11 - 1:12"Baby are you okay?"
-
1:15 - 1:18"No," I said, "I can't get out."
-
1:20 - 1:24I never thought I would have to share
a moment like that with anyone. -
1:25 - 1:28I was so ashamed of myself,
-
1:29 - 1:31mostly because I was caught
more than anything. -
1:31 - 1:34And that's the thing about having OCD;
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1:34 - 1:37it's a disease that demands perfection.
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1:37 - 1:39I never told anyone
-
1:39 - 1:42how much control of myself
I was really losing. -
1:42 - 1:43I kept these stories to myself
-
1:43 - 1:48because telling them would
just have proven how imperfect I was: -
1:48 - 1:52Julia Britz, the crazy OCD redhead -
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1:52 - 1:55not exactly the look
I was really going for. -
1:56 - 1:59But it didn't start out
as a full-fledged OCD. -
2:00 - 2:02When I was a little girl,
-
2:02 - 2:05it was clear to me other kids
trusted the world around us, -
2:05 - 2:08but I knew it was a threat.
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2:08 - 2:11Every year, life got scarier,
and I decided there was no way -
2:11 - 2:14they weren't feeling
the same big panic that I was, -
2:14 - 2:16and that was really confusing.
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2:17 - 2:20Maybe it wasn't that they felt safe;
-
2:20 - 2:23it had to be they're just
better at hiding it. -
2:23 - 2:28So I learned to smile when I was sad
and to speak fast and loudly -
2:28 - 2:31to distract people from noticing
how anxious I really was. -
2:31 - 2:34Ironically, accelerated speech
comes off as a bit neurotic, -
2:34 - 2:36so sort of a lateral move.
-
2:36 - 2:39(Laughter)
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2:39 - 2:42But I was skilled at hiding,
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2:42 - 2:46and for years, my family had no idea
of the secret world that I lived in. -
2:47 - 2:49They assumed I was just indecisive
-
2:49 - 2:51because it took me two hours
to pick out a candy bar. -
2:51 - 2:53I needed constant reassurance,
-
2:53 - 2:56which seemed like
the insecurity of a worrywart, -
2:56 - 3:00and I apologized excessively
and confessed my shameful thoughts, -
3:00 - 3:05creating the reputation
that I was this hypersensitive soul. -
3:06 - 3:08I sank further into the quicksand.
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3:08 - 3:09As a teenager,
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3:09 - 3:13I started checking and rechecking
every closet and cupboard in my house -
3:13 - 3:15for serial killers.
-
3:15 - 3:16I lied about long bathroom lines
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3:16 - 3:18so I could wash my hands
as much as I had to, -
3:18 - 3:20often until they bled.
-
3:21 - 3:25And to the world,
it looked like my life was perfect, -
3:25 - 3:29but I was suffering in a box alone,
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3:29 - 3:32confused and severely ashamed -
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3:32 - 3:36ashamed of whatever it was
that made me crazy. -
3:37 - 3:41I wanted to destroy it so, so badly.
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3:43 - 3:46Then one summer night, I lost control.
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3:46 - 3:47In the kitchen,
-
3:47 - 3:49I leaned over the sink
to fill a glass of water, -
3:49 - 3:52and I rinsed the dust out
a few times like I always did, -
3:52 - 3:54but then I caught
a glimpse in this mirror, -
3:54 - 3:55which triggered an obsession
-
3:55 - 3:59that I might conjure a ghost
if I messed up with this glass. -
3:59 - 4:01So I kept rewashing hundreds of times.
-
4:01 - 4:05And normally, with minor obsessions,
I get through with some compulsing, -
4:05 - 4:06and done.
-
4:06 - 4:08But this time was -
-
4:08 - 4:09it was just different,
-
4:09 - 4:13and I knew it was ridiculous,
-
4:13 - 4:15but I was stuck.
-
4:15 - 4:18And I had no idea
when I'd be able to stop, -
4:18 - 4:20or if I'd be able to stop.
-
4:21 - 4:22And you might be thinking,
-
4:23 - 4:25"Why can't you just stop?"
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4:25 - 4:27It's not a bad question
-
4:27 - 4:30because it seems like
since we know it's irrational, -
4:30 - 4:32we should be able
to get this logical grip on it. -
4:32 - 4:36But OCD cannot be outsmarted.
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4:36 - 4:38In a normal brain,
-
4:38 - 4:40when an intrusive thought
pops into the mind, -
4:40 - 4:42a person might feel
some anxiety or discomfort, -
4:42 - 4:44but they can move past it pretty quick.
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4:44 - 4:46People with OCD,
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4:46 - 4:49they don't have this capability.
-
4:49 - 4:53The problem is this thought loop
that just keeps looping. -
4:53 - 4:57It's not poor parenting
or a lack of good coping skills; -
4:57 - 5:00it's not anyone's fault.
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5:02 - 5:04So I realized I needed help.
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5:04 - 5:07So I did what we all do
in case something's wrong. -
5:07 - 5:08I consulted Google.
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5:08 - 5:10(Laughter)
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5:10 - 5:15And I was surprised to learn
that I actually wasn't crazy. -
5:15 - 5:18I had a recognized mental disorder.
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5:18 - 5:23The DSM knew who I was,
and this is really exciting. -
5:24 - 5:27So, there wasn't much online at this time,
-
5:27 - 5:29so I decided to put
my neurotic mind to good use, -
5:29 - 5:32and in 2009, I created my blog.
-
5:33 - 5:35I was going to research everything
and try everything, -
5:35 - 5:39I was going to hit it like a broken TV
till it worked or till it died. -
5:39 - 5:41I planned to write about all of it,
-
5:41 - 5:45and the OCD community
was going to have this online resource. -
5:45 - 5:47The stuff I read was fascinating to me.
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5:47 - 5:50For example, psilocybin,
or magic mushrooms, -
5:50 - 5:53they actually relieved
many of my symptoms a few weeks. -
5:53 - 5:55It's funny to think something
supposed to trip you out -
5:55 - 5:57actually brought me closer to reality.
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5:58 - 6:00And as my blog evolved,
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6:00 - 6:03I discovered other people
out there like me, -
6:03 - 6:08and they emailed me their stories,
stuff they'd never told anyone. -
6:08 - 6:09And they asked me to share mine,
-
6:09 - 6:13but I was good at hiding,
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6:13 - 6:14and you get used to it,
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6:14 - 6:16and the idea of not hiding,
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6:16 - 6:19it strangely feels like a betrayal.
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6:20 - 6:23So I stopped moving,
but I was still sinking. -
6:24 - 6:28In college, my mental health
rapidly deteriorated. -
6:29 - 6:30I needed help getting dressed;
-
6:30 - 6:32I could not stand being touched;
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6:32 - 6:36and I believed my food was poisoned,
so I could hardly eat. -
6:36 - 6:39I pushed everyone further away.
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6:39 - 6:42And there was nowhere left to go.
-
6:42 - 6:43I was stuck.
-
6:44 - 6:46I just kept telling myself
-
6:47 - 6:52if I could just get rid of this one thing,
then my life would be perfect. -
6:53 - 6:55But as my favorite singer
Andrew McMahon wrote, -
6:55 - 6:58sometimes perfection can be perfect hell.
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6:59 - 7:02I finally caved
and decided to get therapy. -
7:02 - 7:04I remember being first diagnosed.
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7:04 - 7:07It was 3 years, 10 months, 4 days,
2 hours, 36 minutes and 16 seconds ago. -
7:07 - 7:10(Laughter)
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7:11 - 7:16My therapist asked me,
"How do you get out of quicksand?" -
7:17 - 7:18(Sighs)
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7:18 - 7:19Great. Therapy riddles ...
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7:19 - 7:23So, we all know you aren't
supposed to struggle, -
7:23 - 7:24but I'm thinking,
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7:24 - 7:26"If I don't fight, then how do I win?"
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7:27 - 7:29He says, "You arch your back and float.
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7:29 - 7:31You become a neighbor to it,
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7:31 - 7:34and you learn to live with it,
not against it." -
7:34 - 7:37Clearly, if he's not kidding,
he's crazier than me. -
7:37 - 7:39(Laughter)
-
7:40 - 7:42And honestly, what he said,
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7:42 - 7:45it just seemed really impossible
and totally unfair, -
7:46 - 7:49but eventually I surrendered.
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7:50 - 7:54I learned that living with your darkness
is not about returning to your past; -
7:54 - 7:56it's not about befriending your enemies;
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7:56 - 7:58it's about accepting
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7:58 - 8:00that even though your shadow
accompanies you everywhere, -
8:00 - 8:03you don't have to let it drive you.
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8:03 - 8:05Accepting OCD as part of my identity
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8:05 - 8:08meant I could potentially find a way
to learn to live with it. -
8:08 - 8:09And the more I did,
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8:09 - 8:14the more I got used to seeing it
as this cockroach living in my walls. -
8:16 - 8:18So, nearly a year of therapy later,
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8:18 - 8:21my OCD, it's okay,
it's somewhat manageable. -
8:21 - 8:24But then I stumbled across
this holistic practitioner -
8:24 - 8:26that I can only call my hero.
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8:27 - 8:31She transformed my life in a way
no one expected or thought possible, -
8:32 - 8:35because for years, doctors told me
that I shouldn't hope for a cure, -
8:35 - 8:37that my OCD was too severe.
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8:37 - 8:39The best that I could aim for,
realistically, was management. -
8:40 - 8:43But Jane believed
not only could I be healthy, -
8:43 - 8:46but happy someday.
-
8:46 - 8:49And that was something
I wasn't thinking about. -
8:50 - 8:54She prescribed supplements to adjust
the chemical imbalances in my brain, -
8:54 - 8:56and she restricted my diet, heavily.
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8:56 - 8:59Giving up sugar and gluten? Hard.
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8:59 - 9:01(Laughter)
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9:01 - 9:02Yes, there are those days
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9:02 - 9:06where I consider tackling the woman
outside of Starbucks for a pumpkin scone, -
9:06 - 9:08(Laughter)
-
9:09 - 9:12but if giving up certain things,
-
9:12 - 9:16if nutritional changes were what I needed
to recover my sanity, -
9:16 - 9:19then who wouldn't do that?
-
9:20 - 9:23I watched my symptoms
disappear almost overnight. -
9:24 - 9:28Obsessions stopped showing up,
so I didn't feel this need to compulse. -
9:29 - 9:33Everything just calmed down, and it was -
-
9:34 - 9:36it was quiet.
-
9:38 - 9:42And I remember the first time
that I washed my hands just once, -
9:43 - 9:47and I was checking myself, like,
"Wait, do I need to do this again?" -
9:48 - 9:50And I didn't.
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9:51 - 9:52I was fine ...
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9:54 - 9:56but then I wasn't.
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9:57 - 9:59I saw my old life everywhere.
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9:59 - 10:02In the same way after you
break up with someone, -
10:02 - 10:03you want to rip up their picture,
-
10:03 - 10:08I wanted to rip up my life and start over
because without OCD, I was lost. -
10:08 - 10:12Did I really like organizing
my closet like this, or was it my OCD? -
10:13 - 10:16Why did I phrase my sentences how I did?
-
10:17 - 10:19Did I love my husband?
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10:21 - 10:23I wanted all of it gone.
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10:23 - 10:26That quiet space in my mind,
-
10:26 - 10:27it just turned into emptiness,
-
10:27 - 10:30and I had no idea
what was supposed to go there. -
10:32 - 10:36My nights turned
into glorious spells of vodka, -
10:36 - 10:39which made it easy
to self-harm by cutting, -
10:39 - 10:41and the guilt that resulted
-
10:41 - 10:44was only alleviated
by narcotic-induced blackouts. -
10:47 - 10:48I hated myself
-
10:48 - 10:53because if I was so lucky
to have this chance, -
10:53 - 10:56then why couldn't I just be happy?
-
10:58 - 11:01Kevin, my therapist, told me to pick.
-
11:01 - 11:04He said, "Show up or don't.
-
11:04 - 11:08You can't spiral into self-destruction
and build self-esteem at the same time." -
11:09 - 11:13So I kept showing up,
and I continued writing my blog, -
11:13 - 11:15and I made a commitment to myself
-
11:15 - 11:18to stop my harmful behavior,
or at least try. -
11:20 - 11:23And for most of my life,
I rejected compassion, -
11:23 - 11:27which was how I punished
and protected myself. -
11:29 - 11:32I trusted no one because
I couldn't even trust my own brain, -
11:32 - 11:34and I believed if anyone
knew the real me, -
11:34 - 11:36they couldn't possibly love me.
-
11:36 - 11:40And I think a lot of us
tell who we are from this place. -
11:41 - 11:44So when I finally allowed people
to see me as I was, -
11:44 - 11:48not as someone broken,
but with challenges, -
11:48 - 11:51I began to experience compassion,
-
11:51 - 11:54which I will describe as holding
your heart with total kindness. -
11:55 - 11:58It's the opposite of beating yourself up.
-
12:00 - 12:03I now see my demons
as simply a part of my life story -
12:03 - 12:06rather than how I define myself,
-
12:06 - 12:09which is essential
to developing a narrative -
12:09 - 12:13that's cohesive, meaningful
and acceptably imperfect. -
12:14 - 12:18OCD demands such emotional
convictions of perfection -
12:18 - 12:21that are so unobtainable
-
12:21 - 12:23it only leads to isolation.
-
12:24 - 12:26I suffered alone
because I thought I had to -
12:26 - 12:28and because I thought I could.
-
12:29 - 12:31But the truth is
-
12:31 - 12:34it's when we suffer alone
that we truly suffer. -
12:36 - 12:37I was so ashamed of myself.
-
12:37 - 12:41I thought I'd spend my whole life
trapped in that shower, -
12:41 - 12:43but I climbed out.
-
12:44 - 12:48And I'll never be free
of those painful anecdotes, -
12:48 - 12:49but I embrace them now
-
12:49 - 12:54because sharing them enables me
to relate to other human beings. -
12:54 - 12:57I see myself in people asking for help,
-
12:57 - 13:00and it's my imperfect story
that enables me to help them. -
13:00 - 13:05So maybe the crazy OCD redhead
-
13:06 - 13:08isn't such a bad name after all.
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13:08 - 13:10(Applause)
- Title:
- My OCD diary: an imperfect story | Julia Britz | TEDxUNLV
- Description:
-
Julia Britz is a current student at UNLV completing pre-requisite courses for the naturopathic medical program. Julia has also completed a Bachelor of Arts in Visual & Performing Arts with concentration in Arts Technology from California State University San Marcos. Julia is the creator and founder of "My OCD Diary," a website and YouTube channel dedicated to discussing insights and tips on dealing with OCD and related mental disorders.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 13:13
Peter van de Ven approved English subtitles for My OCD diary: an imperfect story | Julia Britz | TEDxUNLV | ||
David DeRuwe accepted English subtitles for My OCD diary: an imperfect story | Julia Britz | TEDxUNLV | ||
Peter van de Ven edited English subtitles for My OCD diary: an imperfect story | Julia Britz | TEDxUNLV | ||
David DeRuwe edited English subtitles for My OCD diary: an imperfect story | Julia Britz | TEDxUNLV | ||
David DeRuwe edited English subtitles for My OCD diary: an imperfect story | Julia Britz | TEDxUNLV | ||
Peter van de Ven edited English subtitles for My OCD diary: an imperfect story | Julia Britz | TEDxUNLV | ||
Peter van de Ven edited English subtitles for My OCD diary: an imperfect story | Julia Britz | TEDxUNLV | ||
Peter van de Ven edited English subtitles for My OCD diary: an imperfect story | Julia Britz | TEDxUNLV |