WEBVTT 00:00:16.486 --> 00:00:18.854 It was my eighth shower of the day, 00:00:18.854 --> 00:00:22.778 and I still couldn't convince myself I was clean enough. 00:00:23.288 --> 00:00:27.170 In my head, I counted, "1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4," 00:00:27.170 --> 00:00:29.229 over and over. 00:00:29.229 --> 00:00:30.905 I cried hard but quietly 00:00:30.905 --> 00:00:34.349 because no one was supposed to see this. 00:00:35.337 --> 00:00:37.996 I was terrified of germs burrowing into my skin, 00:00:37.996 --> 00:00:41.594 making the way to my liver, which I was certain would fail - 00:00:42.135 --> 00:00:44.313 my other organs soon to follow. 00:00:44.738 --> 00:00:48.149 And the images just looped in my brain as I counted, 00:00:48.149 --> 00:00:49.836 "1, 2, 3, 4." 00:00:49.836 --> 00:00:54.432 I just wanted to be clean, and I couldn't stop. 00:00:55.489 --> 00:00:57.120 The water was getting cold, 00:00:57.120 --> 00:01:00.954 and my fingers pressed open my purple loofah without my permission, 00:01:01.268 --> 00:01:02.801 and I couldn't stop. 00:01:04.504 --> 00:01:07.648 I slammed the loofah to the floor, and this thud gives me away, 00:01:07.648 --> 00:01:10.196 and my husband opens the bathroom door. 00:01:10.670 --> 00:01:12.490 "Baby are you okay?" 00:01:14.687 --> 00:01:17.972 "No," I said, "I can't get out." 00:01:20.438 --> 00:01:23.972 I never thought I would have to share a moment like that with anyone. 00:01:25.421 --> 00:01:28.486 I was so ashamed of myself, 00:01:28.920 --> 00:01:31.330 mostly because I was caught more than anything. 00:01:31.330 --> 00:01:33.861 And that's the thing about having OCD; 00:01:33.861 --> 00:01:36.769 it's a disease that demands perfection. 00:01:37.434 --> 00:01:38.598 I never told anyone 00:01:38.598 --> 00:01:41.770 how much control of myself I was really losing. 00:01:41.770 --> 00:01:43.238 I kept these stories to myself 00:01:43.238 --> 00:01:47.631 because telling them would just have proven how imperfect I was: 00:01:48.121 --> 00:01:51.741 Julia Britz, the crazy OCD redhead - 00:01:51.741 --> 00:01:54.968 not exactly the look I was really going for. 00:01:55.721 --> 00:01:58.936 But it didn't start out as a full-fledged OCD. 00:01:59.846 --> 00:02:02.162 When I was a little girl, 00:02:02.162 --> 00:02:05.403 it was clear to me other kids trusted the world around us, 00:02:05.403 --> 00:02:08.455 but I knew it was a threat. 00:02:08.455 --> 00:02:11.356 Every year, life got scarier, and I decided there was no way 00:02:11.356 --> 00:02:14.090 they weren't feeling the same big panic that I was, 00:02:14.090 --> 00:02:16.138 and that was really confusing. 00:02:16.920 --> 00:02:20.405 Maybe it wasn't that they felt safe; 00:02:20.405 --> 00:02:22.935 it had to be they're just better at hiding it. 00:02:23.439 --> 00:02:27.788 So I learned to smile when I was sad and to speak fast and loudly 00:02:27.788 --> 00:02:30.920 to distract people from noticing how anxious I really was. 00:02:30.920 --> 00:02:33.852 Ironically, accelerated speech comes off as a bit neurotic, 00:02:33.852 --> 00:02:36.004 so sort of a lateral move. 00:02:36.004 --> 00:02:38.564 (Laughter) 00:02:39.303 --> 00:02:41.782 But I was skilled at hiding, 00:02:41.782 --> 00:02:46.340 and for years, my family had no idea of the secret world that I lived in. 00:02:46.820 --> 00:02:48.602 They assumed I was just indecisive 00:02:48.602 --> 00:02:51.352 because it took me two hours to pick out a candy bar. 00:02:51.352 --> 00:02:52.953 I needed constant reassurance, 00:02:52.953 --> 00:02:56.118 which seemed like the insecurity of a worrywart, 00:02:56.118 --> 00:02:59.990 and I apologized excessively and confessed my shameful thoughts, 00:02:59.990 --> 00:03:04.581 creating the reputation that I was this hypersensitive soul. 00:03:06.034 --> 00:03:08.452 I sank further into the quicksand. 00:03:08.452 --> 00:03:09.455 As a teenager, 00:03:09.455 --> 00:03:12.833 I started checking and rechecking every closet and cupboard in my house 00:03:12.833 --> 00:03:14.522 for serial killers. 00:03:14.522 --> 00:03:16.062 I lied about long bathroom lines 00:03:16.062 --> 00:03:18.287 so I could wash my hands as much as I had to, 00:03:18.287 --> 00:03:20.232 often until they bled. 00:03:20.570 --> 00:03:24.681 And to the world, it looked like my life was perfect, 00:03:25.404 --> 00:03:28.656 but I was suffering in a box alone, 00:03:28.656 --> 00:03:31.818 confused and severely ashamed - 00:03:32.435 --> 00:03:36.396 ashamed of whatever it was that made me crazy. 00:03:37.082 --> 00:03:41.402 I wanted to destroy it so, so badly. 00:03:42.737 --> 00:03:45.857 Then one summer night, I lost control. 00:03:45.857 --> 00:03:46.894 In the kitchen, 00:03:46.894 --> 00:03:49.169 I leaned over the sink to fill a glass of water, 00:03:49.169 --> 00:03:51.801 and I rinsed the dust out a few times like I always did, 00:03:51.801 --> 00:03:53.952 but then I caught a glimpse in this mirror, 00:03:53.952 --> 00:03:55.337 which triggered an obsession 00:03:55.337 --> 00:03:59.104 that I might conjure a ghost if I messed up with this glass. 00:03:59.104 --> 00:04:01.259 So I kept rewashing hundreds of times. 00:04:01.259 --> 00:04:04.638 And normally, with minor obsessions, I get through with some compulsing, 00:04:04.638 --> 00:04:05.949 and done. 00:04:05.949 --> 00:04:07.725 But this time was - 00:04:08.264 --> 00:04:09.386 it was just different, 00:04:09.386 --> 00:04:12.672 and I knew it was ridiculous, 00:04:12.672 --> 00:04:14.527 but I was stuck. 00:04:15.122 --> 00:04:17.820 And I had no idea when I'd be able to stop, 00:04:17.820 --> 00:04:20.432 or if I'd be able to stop. 00:04:20.850 --> 00:04:22.309 And you might be thinking, 00:04:23.169 --> 00:04:25.280 "Why can't you just stop?" 00:04:25.280 --> 00:04:27.247 It's not a bad question 00:04:27.247 --> 00:04:29.678 because it seems like since we know it's irrational, 00:04:29.678 --> 00:04:32.195 we should be able to get this logical grip on it. 00:04:32.195 --> 00:04:35.673 But OCD cannot be outsmarted. 00:04:36.338 --> 00:04:37.753 In a normal brain, 00:04:37.753 --> 00:04:39.887 when an intrusive thought pops into the mind, 00:04:39.887 --> 00:04:42.387 a person might feel some anxiety or discomfort, 00:04:42.387 --> 00:04:44.438 but they can move past it pretty quick. 00:04:44.438 --> 00:04:46.388 People with OCD, 00:04:46.388 --> 00:04:48.619 they don't have this capability. 00:04:48.619 --> 00:04:52.879 The problem is this thought loop that just keeps looping. 00:04:53.186 --> 00:04:57.369 It's not poor parenting or a lack of good coping skills; 00:04:57.369 --> 00:05:00.153 it's not anyone's fault. 00:05:01.531 --> 00:05:03.560 So I realized I needed help. 00:05:03.560 --> 00:05:06.558 So I did what we all do in case something's wrong. 00:05:06.558 --> 00:05:08.154 I consulted Google. 00:05:08.154 --> 00:05:09.886 (Laughter) 00:05:10.192 --> 00:05:14.760 And I was surprised to learn that I actually wasn't crazy. 00:05:15.371 --> 00:05:18.020 I had a recognized mental disorder. 00:05:18.020 --> 00:05:23.010 The DSM knew who I was, and this is really exciting. 00:05:24.302 --> 00:05:26.577 So, there wasn't much online at this time, 00:05:26.577 --> 00:05:28.904 so I decided to put my neurotic mind to good use, 00:05:28.904 --> 00:05:32.148 and in 2009, I created my blog. 00:05:32.584 --> 00:05:35.148 I was going to research everything and try everything, 00:05:35.148 --> 00:05:39.309 I was going to hit it like a broken TV till it worked or till it died. 00:05:39.309 --> 00:05:41.299 I planned to write about all of it, 00:05:41.299 --> 00:05:44.843 and the OCD community was going to have this online resource. 00:05:45.288 --> 00:05:47.153 The stuff I read was fascinating to me. 00:05:47.153 --> 00:05:50.135 For example, psilocybin, or magic mushrooms, 00:05:50.135 --> 00:05:52.738 they actually relieved many of my symptoms a few weeks. 00:05:52.738 --> 00:05:55.318 It's funny to think something supposed to trip you out 00:05:55.318 --> 00:05:57.457 actually brought me closer to reality. 00:05:58.054 --> 00:05:59.769 And as my blog evolved, 00:05:59.769 --> 00:06:02.716 I discovered other people out there like me, 00:06:03.329 --> 00:06:07.781 and they emailed me their stories, stuff they'd never told anyone. 00:06:07.781 --> 00:06:09.337 And they asked me to share mine, 00:06:09.337 --> 00:06:12.630 but I was good at hiding, 00:06:12.630 --> 00:06:14.271 and you get used to it, 00:06:14.271 --> 00:06:15.770 and the idea of not hiding, 00:06:15.770 --> 00:06:19.030 it strangely feels like a betrayal. 00:06:19.603 --> 00:06:22.779 So I stopped moving, but I was still sinking. 00:06:23.703 --> 00:06:27.864 In college, my mental health rapidly deteriorated. 00:06:28.605 --> 00:06:30.138 I needed help getting dressed; 00:06:30.138 --> 00:06:32.154 I could not stand being touched; 00:06:32.154 --> 00:06:35.830 and I believed my food was poisoned, so I could hardly eat. 00:06:36.236 --> 00:06:38.847 I pushed everyone further away. 00:06:39.387 --> 00:06:41.839 And there was nowhere left to go. 00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:43.364 I was stuck. 00:06:44.139 --> 00:06:46.296 I just kept telling myself 00:06:46.980 --> 00:06:51.800 if I could just get rid of this one thing, then my life would be perfect. 00:06:52.806 --> 00:06:55.188 But as my favorite singer Andrew McMahon wrote, 00:06:55.188 --> 00:06:58.192 sometimes perfection can be perfect hell. 00:06:58.853 --> 00:07:01.963 I finally caved and decided to get therapy. 00:07:02.257 --> 00:07:03.840 I remember being first diagnosed. 00:07:03.840 --> 00:07:07.336 It was 3 years, 10 months, 4 days, 2 hours, 36 minutes and 16 seconds ago. 00:07:07.336 --> 00:07:09.618 (Laughter) 00:07:11.436 --> 00:07:15.572 My therapist asked me, "How do you get out of quicksand?" 00:07:16.518 --> 00:07:17.515 (Sighs) 00:07:17.515 --> 00:07:19.113 Great. Therapy riddles ... 00:07:19.113 --> 00:07:22.586 So, we all know you aren't supposed to struggle, 00:07:22.586 --> 00:07:23.754 but I'm thinking, 00:07:23.754 --> 00:07:26.243 "If I don't fight, then how do I win?" 00:07:26.655 --> 00:07:29.219 He says, "You arch your back and float. 00:07:29.219 --> 00:07:30.616 You become a neighbor to it, 00:07:30.616 --> 00:07:33.627 and you learn to live with it, not against it." 00:07:34.108 --> 00:07:37.238 Clearly, if he's not kidding, he's crazier than me. 00:07:37.238 --> 00:07:38.708 (Laughter) 00:07:39.639 --> 00:07:41.754 And honestly, what he said, 00:07:41.754 --> 00:07:45.391 it just seemed really impossible and totally unfair, 00:07:45.936 --> 00:07:49.476 but eventually I surrendered. 00:07:50.325 --> 00:07:54.039 I learned that living with your darkness is not about returning to your past; 00:07:54.039 --> 00:07:56.321 it's not about befriending your enemies; 00:07:56.321 --> 00:07:57.541 it's about accepting 00:07:57.541 --> 00:08:00.221 that even though your shadow accompanies you everywhere, 00:08:00.221 --> 00:08:02.595 you don't have to let it drive you. 00:08:02.987 --> 00:08:04.906 Accepting OCD as part of my identity 00:08:04.906 --> 00:08:08.135 meant I could potentially find a way to learn to live with it. 00:08:08.135 --> 00:08:09.185 And the more I did, 00:08:09.185 --> 00:08:14.444 the more I got used to seeing it as this cockroach living in my walls. 00:08:15.502 --> 00:08:17.688 So, nearly a year of therapy later, 00:08:17.688 --> 00:08:21.403 my OCD, it's okay, it's somewhat manageable. 00:08:21.403 --> 00:08:23.919 But then I stumbled across this holistic practitioner 00:08:23.919 --> 00:08:26.209 that I can only call my hero. 00:08:26.655 --> 00:08:31.307 She transformed my life in a way no one expected or thought possible, 00:08:31.670 --> 00:08:35.105 because for years, doctors told me that I shouldn't hope for a cure, 00:08:35.105 --> 00:08:36.522 that my OCD was too severe. 00:08:36.522 --> 00:08:39.379 The best that I could aim for, realistically, was management. 00:08:40.037 --> 00:08:42.969 But Jane believed not only could I be healthy, 00:08:42.969 --> 00:08:45.862 but happy someday. 00:08:46.243 --> 00:08:48.762 And that was something I wasn't thinking about. 00:08:49.786 --> 00:08:53.516 She prescribed supplements to adjust the chemical imbalances in my brain, 00:08:53.516 --> 00:08:55.889 and she restricted my diet, heavily. 00:08:56.321 --> 00:08:59.089 Giving up sugar and gluten? Hard. 00:08:59.089 --> 00:09:00.688 (Laughter) 00:09:00.688 --> 00:09:01.896 Yes, there are those days 00:09:01.896 --> 00:09:05.537 where I consider tackling the woman outside of Starbucks for a pumpkin scone, 00:09:05.537 --> 00:09:07.552 (Laughter) 00:09:09.030 --> 00:09:11.820 but if giving up certain things, 00:09:11.820 --> 00:09:16.254 if nutritional changes were what I needed to recover my sanity, 00:09:16.254 --> 00:09:19.239 then who wouldn't do that? 00:09:19.605 --> 00:09:23.222 I watched my symptoms disappear almost overnight. 00:09:23.631 --> 00:09:28.074 Obsessions stopped showing up, so I didn't feel this need to compulse. 00:09:28.651 --> 00:09:33.286 Everything just calmed down, and it was - 00:09:34.312 --> 00:09:36.020 it was quiet. 00:09:37.654 --> 00:09:42.436 And I remember the first time that I washed my hands just once, 00:09:43.036 --> 00:09:47.221 and I was checking myself, like, "Wait, do I need to do this again?" 00:09:48.454 --> 00:09:49.976 And I didn't. 00:09:50.581 --> 00:09:51.945 I was fine ... 00:09:53.587 --> 00:09:55.862 but then I wasn't. 00:09:56.937 --> 00:09:59.401 I saw my old life everywhere. 00:09:59.401 --> 00:10:01.646 In the same way after you break up with someone, 00:10:01.646 --> 00:10:03.354 you want to rip up their picture, 00:10:03.354 --> 00:10:07.894 I wanted to rip up my life and start over because without OCD, I was lost. 00:10:08.334 --> 00:10:12.395 Did I really like organizing my closet like this, or was it my OCD? 00:10:13.281 --> 00:10:15.762 Why did I phrase my sentences how I did? 00:10:17.270 --> 00:10:18.958 Did I love my husband? 00:10:20.586 --> 00:10:22.644 I wanted all of it gone. 00:10:22.794 --> 00:10:25.530 That quiet space in my mind, 00:10:25.710 --> 00:10:27.356 it just turned into emptiness, 00:10:27.356 --> 00:10:30.500 and I had no idea what was supposed to go there. 00:10:32.169 --> 00:10:35.706 My nights turned into glorious spells of vodka, 00:10:35.706 --> 00:10:38.670 which made it easy to self-harm by cutting, 00:10:39.454 --> 00:10:40.894 and the guilt that resulted 00:10:40.894 --> 00:10:44.380 was only alleviated by narcotic-induced blackouts. 00:10:46.764 --> 00:10:47.982 I hated myself 00:10:47.982 --> 00:10:52.873 because if I was so lucky to have this chance, 00:10:52.873 --> 00:10:55.771 then why couldn't I just be happy? 00:10:58.154 --> 00:11:01.250 Kevin, my therapist, told me to pick. 00:11:01.250 --> 00:11:03.555 He said, "Show up or don't. 00:11:03.555 --> 00:11:07.610 You can't spiral into self-destruction and build self-esteem at the same time." 00:11:09.354 --> 00:11:12.814 So I kept showing up, and I continued writing my blog, 00:11:12.814 --> 00:11:14.639 and I made a commitment to myself 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:18.087 to stop my harmful behavior, or at least try. 00:11:19.738 --> 00:11:23.247 And for most of my life, I rejected compassion, 00:11:23.247 --> 00:11:26.857 which was how I punished and protected myself. 00:11:28.519 --> 00:11:31.774 I trusted no one because I couldn't even trust my own brain, 00:11:32.114 --> 00:11:34.164 and I believed if anyone knew the real me, 00:11:34.164 --> 00:11:36.248 they couldn't possibly love me. 00:11:36.248 --> 00:11:40.410 And I think a lot of us tell who we are from this place. 00:11:41.204 --> 00:11:43.991 So when I finally allowed people to see me as I was, 00:11:43.991 --> 00:11:48.185 not as someone broken, but with challenges, 00:11:48.185 --> 00:11:50.907 I began to experience compassion, 00:11:51.107 --> 00:11:54.454 which I will describe as holding your heart with total kindness. 00:11:55.254 --> 00:11:57.781 It's the opposite of beating yourself up. 00:11:59.837 --> 00:12:03.403 I now see my demons as simply a part of my life story 00:12:03.403 --> 00:12:05.980 rather than how I define myself, 00:12:05.980 --> 00:12:08.537 which is essential to developing a narrative 00:12:08.537 --> 00:12:12.926 that's cohesive, meaningful and acceptably imperfect. 00:12:14.355 --> 00:12:18.250 OCD demands such emotional convictions of perfection 00:12:18.250 --> 00:12:20.538 that are so unobtainable 00:12:20.538 --> 00:12:22.688 it only leads to isolation. 00:12:23.736 --> 00:12:26.136 I suffered alone because I thought I had to 00:12:26.136 --> 00:12:28.137 and because I thought I could. 00:12:28.685 --> 00:12:30.553 But the truth is 00:12:30.553 --> 00:12:33.660 it's when we suffer alone that we truly suffer. 00:12:35.854 --> 00:12:37.354 I was so ashamed of myself. 00:12:37.354 --> 00:12:40.526 I thought I'd spend my whole life trapped in that shower, 00:12:41.222 --> 00:12:43.111 but I climbed out. 00:12:44.389 --> 00:12:47.719 And I'll never be free of those painful anecdotes, 00:12:47.719 --> 00:12:48.919 but I embrace them now 00:12:48.919 --> 00:12:53.627 because sharing them enables me to relate to other human beings. 00:12:54.186 --> 00:12:57.436 I see myself in people asking for help, 00:12:57.436 --> 00:13:00.205 and it's my imperfect story that enables me to help them. 00:13:00.205 --> 00:13:04.866 So maybe the crazy OCD redhead 00:13:05.546 --> 00:13:07.696 isn't such a bad name after all. 00:13:07.696 --> 00:13:10.257 (Applause)