[subtitled] Part 1: Stephen Fry The Secret Life Of The Manic Depressive

Πριν από 11 χρόνια, έπαιζα
σε ένα καινούργιο έργο

σε αυτό το θέατρο στο West End

μετά από 3 παραστάσεις βγήκα έξω

τις πρώτες πρωινές ώρες

κατέβηκα από το διαμερισμά μου
στο κεντρικό Λονδίνο

πήγα στο γκαράζ

ασφάλισα την πόρτα με ένα
πάπλωμα που αγόρασα

και μπήκα στο αμάξι μου

έκατσα εκεί για 2 ώρες νομίζω

το χέρι μου πάνω στην μίζα

ξέρεις, ήταν μια απόπειρα
αυτοκτονίας, όχι μια φωνή για βοήθεια

Πήγα στην νότια ακτή
και πήρα ένα πλοίο για την Ευρώπη

Απλά ήξερα ότι δεν θα μπορούσα να είμαι στο σπίτι

δεν μπορούσα να είμαι στο Λονδίνο,
δεν μπορούσα να είμαι στην Αγγλία

πίστευα ότι δεν θα γυρνούσα
ποτέ ξανά στην Αγγλία

Ο φευγάτος Stephen Fry έσπασε
την σιωπή χθες βράδυ

και αποκάλυψε το βασανιστήριο
που υπέφερε

Όλοι ανησύχησαν ότι είχα αυτοκτονήσει

Αυτό είναι φοβερό πράγμα

αλλά μια βδομάδα μετά επέστρεψα μυστικά
στην Αγγλία σε αυτό το νοσοκομίο

και σε έναν γιατρό που μου είπε
ότι ήμουν διπολικός

Δεν είχα ξανακούσει την λέξη

αλλά για πρώτη φορά στα 37 μου
είχα μία διάγνωση

που εξηγούσε τα μεγάλα πάνω
και τα μίζερα κάτω μου

που ζούσα σε όλη μου
τη ζωή

Δεν υπάρχει αμφιβολία ότι έχω ακραίες
διαθέσεις, οι οποίες

είναι μεγαλύτερες από όποιου
δήποτε άλλου ξέρω.

Ο ψυχίατρος στο νοσοκομείο μου
συνέστησε να κάνω ένα μεγάλο διάλειμμα.

Ήρθα εδώ, στην Αμερική

και για μήνες έβλεπα έναν θεραπευτή
και περπατούσα πάνω κάτω σε αυτή την παραλία

Το μυαλό μου ήταν γεμάτο ερωτήσεις

Είμαι τρελός;
πως απέκτησα αυτή την αρρώστια;

Θα μπορούσε να είχε αποφευχθεί;
Μπορώ να θεραπευτώ από αυτό;

Από τότε έχω ανακαλύψει
πόσο σοβαρό είναι να έχουμε

διπολικότητα ή μανιοκατάθλιψη,
όπως επίσης ονομάζεται

Άλλα 4 εκατομμύρια στο Η.Β. έχουν

και πολλοί από τους σοβαρά άρρωστους
καταλήγουν σε αυτοκτονία.

Γι 'αυτό και αποφάσισα να μιλήσω
για την ψυχική ασθένεια μου

και είναι μια ψυχική ασθένεια

Ήθελα να μιλήσω με άλλους που την έχουν

σχετικά με το τι τη προκάλεσε σε αυτούς
και πώς ανέλαβε τη ζωή τους

και θα ήθελα να μάθετε τις απαντήσεις
σε ό, τι εξακολουθεί να με ανησυχεί

Είχα διαγνωστεί σωστά;

και είμαι τώρα καλύτερα ή χειρότερα;

Ας ξεκινήσουμε με μια παρατήρηση από
έναν παραγωγό του Χόλιγουντ για μένα

Δεν χρειάζεται να είσαι ομοφυλόφιλος ή εβραϊος
για να πετύχεις εδώ. Απλά διπολικός

Εννοούσε, φυσικά, μεγαλύτερος από τη ζωή,
εξαγριωμένα ενεργητικός, ατελείωτα δημιουργικός

Μανιακοί τύποι πάνε καλά στο Χόλιγουντ,
σε όλες τις δουλειές του θεάματος για τον λόγο αυτό

Ευφορία στα ύψη και σούρσιμο χαμηλά
φαίνεται να πηγαίνει με το μέρος

και δεν προσελκύουν το στίγμα

Από τη δική μου διάγνωση, συνέχισα να δουλεύω
και βρήκα τρόπους να το αντιμετωπίσω

Αλλά επίσης σιωπούσα
για την κατάστασή μου

Τώρα θέλω να μιλήσω και να
καταπολέμησω το στίγμα

και να δώσω μια σαφέστερη εικόνα μιας ψυχικής νόσου
που οι περισσότεροι άνθρωποι γνωρίζουν λίγα

Επίσκεψη στην παλιά μου φίλη
Carrie Fischer

γνωστή στον κόσμο ως πριγκίπισσα Leia
στις ταινίες Star Wars

Είναι στην άκρη της λογικής.
ξέρετε είναι συνεχώς ...

όχι αρκετά τρελή για να διαπράξει

αλλά και όχι αρκετά υγιής για να έχει μια κανονική ζωή

Όταν καλπάζετε με μεγάλη ταχύτητα

είναι καλύτερα από οποιοδήποτε φάρμακο
μπορείτε να πάρετε ποτέ

Ο Θεός, αν θέλετε σας κρατάει
θέση στάθμευσης

Τα τραγούδια που παίζονται στο ραδιόφωνο
είναι για σας

Είστε τόσο ενθουσιώδεις για όλους

και όλοι είναι ενθουσιώδεις με εσάς

και έτσι σου έρχετε,
έχω μια ιδέα, έχω αυτή την απίστευτη ιδέα

Πάμε στην Ινδία

Στη συνέχεια, ξεκινάς να πηγαίνεις
πολύ γρήγορα

είσαι γρηγορότερος από
όλους γύρω σου

δεν είναι διασκέδαση
Είσαι στο τηλέφωνο για πολλή ώρα

Δεν κοιμάσαι

Τίποτα δεν κινείται γρήγορα

Έλα, συνεχίστε μαζί μου, ελάτε

Αν και δεν είναι αλήθεια ότι
είσαι πιο ταλαντούχος όταν έχεις μανία

νιώθεις ότι είσαι

Ναι, αυτή είναι η μισή μάχη

στέκομαι σε πέτρες

φλεγόμενες ομιλίες στον κόσμο Ξέρεις, έχω πολλά να πω

έχω μηνύματα από το διάστημα
στην πραγματικότητα

και έμενα ξύπνια για 6 μέρες
και έχανα το μυαλό μου

Ένας φίλος μου
μου λέει

Ξέρει ο γιατρός σου ότι
φέρεσαι έτσί;

και μετά τσακωνόμαστε

και κλαίω για 4 ώρες
ανήμπορη να σταματήσω

και ξέρω ότι κάτι δεν πάει καλά

καλώ την γιατρό μου
και πάω να την δω

ξέρεις, τα λέμε

και γελάω και
στριφογυρνάω στις καρέκλες

και η γιατρός λέει

Αυτή είναι η διάγνωση,
διπολισμός, μανιοκατάθλιψη

Η Carrie ζει χρόνια με τόσο
ακραίες διαθέσεις και συναισθήματα

πριν διαγνωστεί

Το πήρε άσχημα, ξέρετε

δεν είναι κάποιο αξεσουάρ
ενός σταρ

είναι μια πραγματική ψυχική κατάσταση και

πρέπει να ζει με αυτό κάθε
μέρα της ζωής της

She is on medication. You have to
picture what she be like if she weren't

A medical expert told me almost half
of those suffering from manic depression

aren't diagnosed at all

It frightens me to think of
people having symptoms like Carrie

and not knowing what's wrong with them

I'm told that it's an illness

that's surprisingly difficult to
pin down to achieve a diagnosis

now I am diagnosed bipolar and
bipolarity is a disease of the brain

So a brain scan will surely
reveal a sign of what I have

The research being carried out here
at Maudsly Hospital in south London

compares normal brains
with bipolar ones like mine

Here, we're at the beginning of the brains
- Oh my Goodness.

I just grab the front of
the nose and then scroll back

That's my face actually

You see your chubby cheeks, there
- My little chubby cheeks

but by looking at a sample of
slices from a brain

you can't tell or can you,
whether someone is bipolar

When it comes to bipolar looking
at a single subjects structural scan

would not give you that diagnostic
information at this stage

Is there anything you see in my brain that

leads you to the view that I am bipolar?

No. I think there is a
very short answer to that

Thus yet no brain test
that can diagnose bipolarity

but I have being hearing talk
of a bipolar gene

To find out more I have come to
have my let my DNA tested as part

of the world's largest research
bipolarity at the University of Cardiff

They have 2000 participants already
and now 2001

Do I get my wollypop now?

This is your DNA
- My DNA, thank you so much

O, it is so attractive. I knew
it would be Beautiful, isn't it?

So which way now?
- Ok, we go up to look at the Sequenom

You know is must be good just
from the name It's fantastic

Welcome to the Sequenom, Mr. Bond

What we have found is that if you simply
compared people with bipolar disorder

against people without, controls. We
don't actually see any overall difference

Unfortunately the press
as you know, they'll publish reports

saying "The bipolar gene"
or whatever

That is completely incorrect

There will be many genes that
are involved in bipolarity

So at the moment there is no clear-cut
test to show if someone is bipolar

How them do you tell?

How was I diagnosed all those years ago?

Well a psychiatrist simply asked a lot of
questions about my behaviour and my feelings

Here in Cardiff Nick uses the same
process but involving 200 questions

that carefully build up a picture of a
persons life history of manic depression

We developed a scale
When I find out information from you

I'll tell you
where you score on our scale

Looking back times when
you think perhaps

it was something a bit
out of the ordinary

unusual, caused a problem
or you needed treatment

Well, I suppose the first time I
needed treatment I think I was 14

In hindsight my symptoms
really surfaced here

The problem was for almost everyone was
that they looked like bad behaviour

I was nearly expelled from my
prepschool I was expelled from here

It is very strange revisiting a place
where one was so intensively alive

as to be almost in a constant
state of edginess

and I suppose what man call
mania now

because I cut games. I was so
often alone.

Wandering around on the roofs

I think I used to crawl all over
the roofs for a mixture of risk

and power when you're looking
down on people

The effect of my behaviour was cause to
make me unbearable really

a show-off
a loudmouth

completely impossible to handle
disruptive

See, thin, I may never been
a good looking boy

but I was once thin!!

Meeting my old housemaster
and his wife

insures an uncomfortable reminder
of past crimes

like given permission to go to
London and then not returning

We went to see films
We went just to the cinema

One of which was the Clockwork Orange

That's right

Your father thought

O my God,of all films that he
might have seen

I was consumed and gripped by it

You should have been back
- a lot earlier

I had the Metropolitan Police
out looking for you

I didn't realize that
I've never realized that

Stephen has been a problem

This is a letter from Gerald Holme
- The psychiatrist

Suggesting various things
Adolescent Depression

mild depressive illness rather than
just unhappiness

Behavioury
He can be quite infantile

I think Mr. Fry, your father
may have mentioned

that the advice given to him by
doctors in London

suggest that he might have
some brain damage

to account for this
That a crude way of putting it

Good Lord

We were not aware of any drug
taking or sexual offenses however

We didn't know much then, did we

And then the awful thing
Which is the stealing

That gripped me

You didn't need money. You didn't need to steal
- No, so odd

So you didn't know it was I who
was the thief

I wouldn't suspected it at all
Stephen. No

You laid a trap in Matern's room

We did. Which Elisabeth
- That was you. You were hiding in Matern's room

I was in her bathroom

It was a terrible shock to see you

Strange emotional turmoil I was in

Stealing things I couldn't
possible want

As well as stealing money must
be said what I did want I suppose

Did I feel shame when I
stole things? I suppose I did

But..

there is something very extraordinary
about going through a room

where you're not supposed
to be looking for things

It's like when you watch it
in a movie

when the hero is burgling
somebody's flat or something

very nerve-racking
Your heart is in your throat

and it is a real buzz

Considering I didn't do any sports
or anything else

that gave me any kind of adrenaline rush

what sport is supposed to do

maybe that is what it was

whether it was part of a disorder
that can be given a name, I do not know

but it was bad enough for me to
have to go to a psychiatrist anyway

that didn't lead to a diagnosis of
manic depression, probably because

like the school authorities
like my parents

and to be fair
like me at the time

why would you have thought

it is anything other than
bad behaviour

So, I was expelled and just stumbled
on continuing to steal as I went

By this time I had progressed
a credit card

stolen from the jackets of my
parents friends

This led to my next big
manic episode

when I used the money in the
most grandiose way

When I was about 17 going around
London on the stolen credit card

It was a sort of fantastic
reinvention of myself on attempt

I bought ridiculous suits
with stiff collars

and silk ties from the 1920's and

we go to the Savoy and The
Ritz and drink cocktails

The morality of it never
crossed my mind at all

I think it is more that when you're
in a sort of grip of a manic fantasy

You don't really believe other people
exist You are the centre of your universe

I wanted to be in there. I
am Stephen Fry sitting there

And the white coats, are so
appropriate, aren't they, the barmen

As they are nurses in a
wonderful mental hospital

It did not of course last after months

of travelling the country
using my stolen credit card

I was arrested I was sent
to Pucklechurch remand centre

In my day would have been a long
sterile corridor with cell doors

It is so different now

I have spent the last 10 years
of my life actually

at boarding schools of
one kind or an other

So this, for me it was
nothing. Really, to be honest

is was just instead of being
called Prefects or Schoolmasters

they were called Prison Officers
or Screws

The only thing that really
twisted my guts was

my mother coming to visit, on
the first day that she visited

I used to be very keen on doing
crypto-crosswords in the Times

and all the time I have been away
she'd cut out the Times crossword

Every single day

A sort of simple demonstration of love

and being there for me and
thinking of me

was a, you know
really stuck in my throat

How many times in your life would
you've had an episode like that?

I would think 4 or 5 of that extremity

If I'm to take my past history,
then I sort of believe maybe

it is perhaps every 5 years
a huge storm will come

I don't know
but that so often the way it is

When would the first time have
been that you had a depression?

I would think it was about

6 months before that manic experience

When you are depressed like that
what's your self-esteem like?

O, absolutely ZERO

Stand up from the sofa and walk to the
fridge is an act of unbelievable effort

Everything that happens
is because you are a cunt

because I'm complete wanco
that's because I'm an arshole

You can have moments having a
Tourettes view of yourself

You think of death all the time. and
even when you're not getting suicidal

you are constantly aware
of death and

the way you are in death
and how welcome it would be

That's when I tried to kill myself

- So you've been...
- Seventeen

Tablets was it

Yes, I took as many as I could
and as many variations as I could

in order to make it as toxic as possible.

Unfortunately, this made me
projectile vomit

I'm sure it was a suicide attempt
not a cry for help

Looking back through your live
just roughly

how many episodes of depression
like that

do you think you've experienced
just roughly?

I should say five or six

I think Nick Craddock is
getting the picture but so am I

Adding up all that extreme behaviour
is making me

a little concerned about
what my eventual score will be

What always bothers me is
whether I could have avoided

some of these harrowing moments

if I was diagnosed earlier

that is actually now
a controversial issue

because in America psychiatrists seem
only to happy to diagnose children

as a result Suzy Jensen who lives
outside of San Francisco

has known for 5 years,

that both her young teenage sons
are bipolar.

Is there a thing you can say
"You know your child is bipolar when... "

You know your kid is bipolar when

they're putting their feet
through a plate glass window

in a rage after they have been
raging for 3 hours

about something you even
can't remember what triggered

and certainly risky and dangerous
behaviour

We had a A-line roof and he went up

and was trying to walk the narrowest
point of the A-line

you know, with his eyes closed

You know your kid is bipolar
when their behaviour is so extreme

that I had a neuro-psych evaluation
done on him

When I went to get
the results of the testing

The psychiatrist,
he met me in the lobby

He said
In all the years I've been doing this

I haven't been this concerned
about the results

and he went on to tell me a
story, Ian had told him about

he was walking into a room with bare feet

and could feel a sensation under his feet

that he couldn't recognize. All
of a sudden he looked and realized

that is was my dismembered
body all over the floor

that he was trotting over

You don't want to hear that really, do you?

How old is he?
- Six

Six years old?.

Do you ever enjoy your mania
or do you find it a real touch?

No, I mean I don't like it

When you do something bad like
throwing something

In a bad mood or in a fight or
something?

Yeah, do you feel it is you and that
you are right to be in a bad mood

and the rest of the world is shit?

Yeah, I do

Diagnosed at 11, Ian is now 16, by that
age I'd already been expelled from school

so listening to him reminds me
of my own attitude

It's actually a drive

it is like it's feeding some a need
that he has. You can see it

Yes, it is a kind of a drive
something I need, something that happens

Ian's brother Todd is 13.
He was diagnosed when only 8

His behaviour even at the special schools
Suzy has managed to get both boys into

is causing problems.

While I am with her
she is called to the school

Normally I'm not here until 2:30, but
I got a call from the administrators

saying that Todd a difficult morning

He had actually unfortunately thrown
a chair at a staff member and hit him.

Was there a reason or
were you just cross?

I just wanted to take a walk because

I was kind of feeling pumped and angry

and they wouldn't let me do that

So I just kind of got mad

Frustrated

Yeah and hurled
the chair at the guy

I was about eight or nine.
There was a nurse at my school

I was turn do my laces up and
she told me to do double laces.

and I did not know what that meant.

and I actually slapped her
right across in the face.

I've never known anything like
that absolute rage inside me

and it was such a stupid thing, because
she told me how to do my laces up

After a blow, especially a major one
very often he'll shut down like this

I mean, I know that he is suspended
for three days

He is been suspended
for three days?

I know Todd's school sees it
as bad behaviour

but I have to say
I feel a twinge of sympathy

I recognize the rage
being in the grip of powerful feelings

and the shame that comes afterwards.

but Todd and Ian are different from
me in one key respect

at the same age
they know they have an illness

On the other hand, I know from speaking
to psychiatrists in Britain

that they don't agree with labelling
children at such a young age

The norm in Britain is 19

So I wanted to speak to the
consultant, who diagnosed Ian and Todd

Kiki Chang is well placed
to talk about this

Not only does he run a research project
at the prestigious Stanford University

just outside San Francisco but
also he has a 2 year old child

and knows that some of his colleagues
would diagnose as young as that

Once you get down to say age 2 or 3

it is very normal to have complete
discontrol over your mood

tantrums and crying one minute
and laughing the next minute

but I suddenly have colleagues
who are clear

that they see it in
3 year olds even

certainly I have seen children
who I think

were 4,5 who fit the
bipolar criteria

they're having wild mood shifts
and they're having unsafe behaviour

they're not functioning
enough developing correctly

but losing a lot of time
in their normal development

Everyone remembers the rise
of ADHD over the 80's and 90's

and indeed the cynics will always say

Well, this is a new fashionable label
to put on a bad kid a disrupted kid

I would be careful to say that. I
don't think we are over diagnosing

I think that by increasing the
diagnosis you're catching more people.

It's good because it then leads
them to a Bipolar diagnosis and

they realize that there is
something going on

that is maybe treatable
and is not their fault

Ian, come take your meds

For Kiki Chang diagnoses is good news

For Ian and Todd it means medication

Ian showed me how much he takes every day

Welcome to our pharmacy
- We're proud of it

So you go Prozac, Lamictal, Pederol
Klonapin, is like a tranquilizer type?

I can tell they help me
behave when I have a hard time

This is Ambien that I take..
- It's a sleeping pill, isn't it?

and Concerta I take in the morning.
Concerta is a like a Ritalin kind of

It takes me the better part of an hour
to stand an fill both of their medication

All of that to take the edge of
a 16 year old wilder behaviour

what I think, I'm not sure

I know British psychiatrists
are concerned about

the harm strong drugs might do
to young brains

especially when they are not a
100% sure the diagnosis is correct

If the drugs help Ian and Todd
to avoid wrecking their lives

and their mothers then surely
that is a good conclusion

Would I've wanted diagnoses at 16 if
it meant being on medication since then?

I feel that in some ways I've
been helped by my manic depression

and that complicates my view Would
I have had success without it?

Would you know me if I wasn't
driven by its energy to be creative?

Oh stop it, thank you thank you
How kind

I am delighted

honoured and
let's not be coy about these things

financially rewarded

This is a stressful time, because

out for everyone else
you make an ars of yourself

intentionally in front of
people you admire

Stress is often a key factor
that people say

pushing them into the manic depression

and certainly when I was diagnosed

the psychiatrist told me
not to work so hard

Relax avoid stressful situations

and as you can see
I took his advice seriously

Enjoyable some people might
imagine This kind of thing is

they're the same kind fun that is enjoyable

perhaps someone stops
cigarettes out on your nipples

in certain dark clubs and I could
believe are called torture gardens

in the leakier areas of the West End
Come in!

and for the week leading up to it
I had the most appalling anxiety dreams

in which I dropped out of my clothes or

pee myself in the rows of
the front of the stage

I do not know if I stress is what puts
me into a cycle of mania or depression

I can't think of time in my life
when I haven't been subject to stress

Happy?

Happy, ha. I remember that. Seven
years old, ice cream, holidays.

That was happy Not since then really

Stress is something
I can't live without

on the other hand
it is a dangerous thing

No disasters so far, but it is hot work

I can't fucking wait until it's
over, frankly

Oh God, here we go again

I am delighted, honoured

and let's not be too coy
about these things

financially rewarded

to welcome you to this most prestigious...

Well the real thing seems
to go off ok for another year

I do manage to function despite
my manic depression

and I'm sure it does help me to succeed

and that's the problem
with connecting stress

to the onset of manic depression

My stress is
your easy day at the office

One person coped, the other goes mad

I've come to Cornwall to see
how manic depression wrecked

the career
the marriage

and almost took the life of a man

who once was Lieutenant Commander

on the Royal Yacht Britannia

Here we are Princess Margaret one side
Lieutenant Commander Harvey there

and Majesty the Queen there

22 years ago

You were a well bunny then
weren't you? Oh yes, I was well

Four years on the Royal yacht
led to a senior posting in NATO

Under huge pressure working
in a nuclear bunker

Rod became so deeply
depressed he had a breakdown

My self confidence seemed to be
just seeping away and my self-esteem

and could not sleep
awful sort of feeling, desperation

Eventually invalid out of the Navy
he still became

secretary of the Royal Yacht Club
in Plymouth

that lasted until at
a prise giving ceremony

Rod now manic
awarded it to the wrong person

The real winner wouldn't accept
Rod's apology

And through in the end I just lost
it and in front of all spectators

I just shouted, excuse my French, Fuck Off!
and marched off into the night

I actually hallucinated by
seeing the devil

burning black coals of these
eyes of the devil

that is what I saw that was frightening

I believed that I was Jesus at that time
you know

though I couldn't tell people that
because then I wouldn't be Jesus

Rod was brought back to England

and sectioned at this psychiatric hospital
in Plymouth

He was now overwhelmed with depression

I was experiencing pain in my head.
I've been given a touch of hell

I was meant to find out what
hell feels like

So I contrived to escape from the hospital

They let me leave the unit
to go upstairs to

turn right to
the occupational therapy unit

Unescorted

So I did turn right

I kept walking through the main doors

to the dual carriageway

walked a bit down away from the roundabout

so that vehicles can pick up speed

waited for a lorry to come along

and then walked in front of it

I had actually compound fractures of
both legs and every bone in my legs

I have to lower my trousers to
actually see the full extend really

I have seen many naval officers
in this condition don't worry

I'm not like this

Oh my Goodness no, oh God
That is really extraordinary

Please give a twirl at this

That is indicative of what must
have been a savage injury

That all happened over ten years ago

and with medication, Rod says
his condition is now stabilized

But twice a year
in the spring and in the autumn

he starts to feel the mania
build again

and despite what's happened to him

he is reluctant to take extra
medication to control it

I believe there is another world
running in parallel to the normal

inverted comma's boring, which
I find boring, world

that there is another world

and that the curtain gets
lifted, the vale gets lifted

when I'm psychoticly manic

and then I enter into the parallel world

and then I see things in a
totally different way

I will go into pubs and
I will see angels

I know that they know
who I am

and I know who they are

and we have a tremendous sort
of bond between us

because of a shared knowledge

Do you regret the fact that you
are born with this strange disorder

that is called
bipolar or manic depression?

That's a very easy question
there is a very easy answer

No - You don't regret
it - No, not for a second

Because when you walked with angels

all the pain and suffering
is well worthwhile

You'll be pleased to know
I don't see angels

or the devil or
think I am Jesus

on the other hand
I agree with Rod

we manic depressives
do love our manic periods

and I know that doesn't help diagnosis

when we are UP
we are not ill, don't be silly

we're fine
no need for a doctor

But that doesn't disguise the fact,
that Rod so nearly killed himself

and that he really wanted to
when he was in the grip

from the other
side of this illness

The legacy of any suicide for the family
left behind, is extremely painful

but when the cause is manic depression
suicide also leaves fear

The fear that the same thing
might happen again

with another member of the family

because manic depression is an illness
that always handed down in families

and that is what brought me further down
the coast in Cornwall to see an old friend

who's had to life with
that thought since he was 18

that's when he found out
that his father was bipolar

and this is where you would
come every summer holiday?

Yes, we were. There are great
memories to me as a child, I must say.

We used to sit out on that deckchairs
on that slate bit down there

With lashings and lashings of lemonade

It is very
'Famous Five', isn't it?

Just imagine having every
summer holiday here

So, I mean, slightly mixed emotions
that you coming back here, I suppose

Yes, because my father
actually killed himself

Over there actually so it
is not the best place for me

One of the heartbreaking things
about his suicide is that he actually

went out with his sister
your aunt

and threw himself of that cliff
in front of her

He dived off, you know so I
mean he wasn't messing about

I'm afraid they've all broken up a bit

Let's try to find a decent
picture of him

There he is
- That's your father

The idea of having
a loony father is just

very a sort of embarrassing
and shameful really

I was 18, I was so keen to a sort
of hide the whole business really

You just want to be normal
at that age, you know

I just became morbidly sort of
aware of it and very very depressed

and you get this panic attacks

My way of coping with it was to to sort
of like almost pretend it haven't happened

Shortly after he died I went away to
Australia, America and Mexico for two years

just running away from it really

Rick returned and build
a huge success story

just miles from where
his father died

but he also spent his life wondering

if he'd inherit the condition
that made his father kill himself

I was always so worried
then about ending up like him

The thing is that he thought
I was particularly like him

and I think he was incredibly
troubled by that

My father didn't show signs of
it until his mid-forties really

I am well over it now then
I think about my sons too

My sons are still in their
mid-twenties so there is plenty of time

Do you see a psychotherapist?
- I do I do

And that is helpful?

Yes, it is I do believe

The only problem with
seeing a psychotherapist

really what happened to you as a child
is indelibly printed on your brain

They fuck you up, your mom and dad

What the research shows is that
if you have manic depression

someone in your family
would have had it before you

It could be a grandparent, aunt
or uncle as well as a parent

often they might not have been diagnosed

So there appears to be no
warning, but there will be somebody

On the other hand as
Rick's experience shows

just because your father has it doesn't
mean that you'll necessarily get it

but the worry remains for bipolar
parents "Will I pass it on?"

And now for bipolar mothers researchers
have made another devastating discovery

Pregnancy itself and the act of
childbirth are now proved

to be enormously dangerous
to mental health

of women who are already bipolar

When I saw you, Gaynor,
I said that in my opinion

the risk that you had
of becoming unwell again

in pregnancy or certainly following
the delivery were very high

I think probably 60 percent or more

is the kind of rate of risk
you need to think about

Gaynor Thomas lives
in Wales and is part of

the same research study
that I'm involved in

She is trying to decide whether
she dare risk getting pregnant again

knowing that her manic depression
has already led to unusual behaviour

I had delusions of grandeur

Did you believe you were richer
then you were or better born

or some believe they're princesses or

Mine were quite religious in nature

One of the episodes
I thought that I was

one of God's chosen people
for want of a better word

I thought that I was able
to heal people

I thought I had special powers

and I thought that I
kind of sent to

gather together a group of people

to change the world in some way

I was seeing a psychotherapist
at the time and

she identified that my ideas were
becoming very strange

and called in what would have been
the equivalent of

the Community Mental Health Team

who treated me at home

- With medication?
- With medication, yes

And then came a very dramatic
thing

a very wonderful thing for most
people, which is pregnancy

and you did had a manic episode while
pregnant. How did that show itself?

that the more religious side
came in after I have had Thomas

All I just thought was that
he was not just a special baby

but a VERY special baby

Like a Messiah
- Almost. Almost to that degree, yes

and that I kind of been ad chosen
to give birth to him

and together we were going to
change the world

It is such a small step
and yet it's such a huge one

in terms of embarrassment if
you would say it at a party

There is a way of saying
My child is the centre of my universe

then saying
My child is the centre of the universe

Initially it was postnatal euphoria,
but it became postnatal mania

I could not sleep, was so excited

I called the psychiatrist and
said I think need to see somebody

because things are kind of
getting out of control

Gaynor was a sectioned in in a
psychiatric hospital for a month

The drugs the hospital put
her on calmed her down but

now she is frightened that it might
happen all over again if she gets pregnant

Ian Jones told me
Gaynor is right to be scared

Women with bipolar disorder
have very high risk

of having much more severe
episode of illness

in relationship to childbirth

often with psychotic symptoms
like hallucinations or delusions

These episodes can be some
of the most severe episodes

of illness that we see in
psychiatric practice

Really? In all psychiatric practice?

The last two confidential enquiries
on maternal death have showed us that

suicide is now the leading cause of death
to women around childbirth in this country

Gaynor wants Thomas to have
a brother or sister

but Ian Jones' information
is hard to ignore

It made me just re-think the
whole idea of having a baby

you know I am sad but I won't
be able to have another child

Perhaps for Thomas his sake

but I got to accept that the risks
are probably too high

As you say you don't know what
might have happened

No, precisely

I love the heels of his shoes

Manic depression's capacity to destroy
the lives of people

makes it all the more important

to be diagnosed early, but
often it goes undetected

because what most sufferers do to help
them cope with the mood swings

they cover up their symptoms

Certainly I did for almost twenty years

It is called self-medication or
as you would quite properly call it

the taking of excessive amounts
of drink and drugs

Vodka and cocaine in my case

The effect of it is that coke is a stimulant
and alcohol is a sedative, supposedly

and I am naturally often
so manic and energetic

that I often took coke to calm me down

I found it very hard to go to
any kind of party without knowing

there were a couple of grams in my
wallet I just had to have them there

I find it slightly embarrassed by
using a phrase like self-medication

because it sounds like you know
you're sort of excusing yourself or

saying you're doing it for noble reasons

I did find and this is the point

that it stopped one from feeling
in a strange kind of way

You're no longer sort of
depressed or manic

you're just going. You're just 'on'

That's what I was doing all
during my successful 80's and 90's

My friends
if they thought about it at all

would have said heavy user
not manic depressive

They did mistaken the symptoms
for the cause

and that happens a lot

I did it with someone
I went to university with

worked on the stage and TV
with and even made a film with

The first time it really manifested
itself was at the time

when I was doing this film
Peter's Friends

I was having a gloriously happy time

I was in employment and I had money

All my personal life was happy

So, on paper there was absolutely no
reason for me to be suddenly plunged.

Into this sort of pit of
abnormal psychology, this low mood

I wasn't drinking excessively then

I wasn't taking any kind of
psychotropic substance

either prescribed or proscribed
and it came out of the blue

You know if you're down and you can
see a reason why you should be down

then that brings with it
a certain clarity

But if there is no reason
you tend to think

Why on earth am I feeling
like this? I don't understand

If left to your own devices, you
can often try and stop the cycle of

ups and downs through self-medication

Indigestion of alcohol and
narcotics, cocaine in particular

but with me the depression
came before the substance abuse

Everyone thinks that depression
is being a very low desponded mood

but there is agitated depression
there is psychomotor agitation

where you endlessly pacing and you
can't sleep and you're short tempered

I rented a huge warehouse by
the river Thames

and just stayed in there on my
own and I didn't open any mail

or answered any phone calls
for months and months and months

and in this pool of rapid
cycling despair and mania

three full bar optics of vodka

to try to get you to sleep when
you haven't been to sleep for 3 days

spending time howling at the moon and
throwing your furniture in the Thames

which's what I did
- Really?

Yes. threw my electrical equipment
in the Thames

a long time ago this was

with the river police going up and down
with their megaphone saying

"Tony stop throwing things in the Thames"

- Did they know who you were?
- They did they did

- That is that Tony Slatterly
- That is that Tony Slatterly of the TV

Yes, that was thankfully was a
long time ago that was a dark hour

So, I suppose where I'm
leading to is this question

Here is a button and
if I'd have to press that button

you would take away every aspect of
your bipolarity / cyclothymiacs

and still not caused you the greatest
happiness over the years

but maybe it has something to do with
who you are Do you want that button?

No, I keep it

At the moment because I'm in a equable
state I choose

not to press the button but
I'd like to have the option

Everybody I've spoken said that

It says something about manic depression

despite being the greatest killer
of all psychiatric illnesses

many of those suffering from it
if given a chance,

don't want to get rid of it

If I'm honest, I don't

but I came across one woman who
absolutely would press the button

Connie Perris lives in Birmingham
and it is just in her forties

Her symptoms are so severe that she divides
her life into before bipolarity and after

One of the difficulties is coming
in here and feeling a bit paranoid

I see what I think is all looking at me.

Why is he looking at me?
Why is he watching me?

She is following me.

And then I think
he is giving me funny looks

Then it clicks in, the thinking
I am getting paranoid again

He's giving me funny looks
because I give them funny looks

Before she was a lawyer,

Captain in the Territorial Army

a black belt in Aikido

and active in the community

now Connie can hardly get to the shops

When I'm very depressed, I slow
down and slow down and slow down

and it gets to the point
which I'm not moving at all

In my head, I can see I can hear

but somehow I just don't have the
energy or the oomph to move forward

and it can be a bit embarrassing
when I'm at the shops

and just get stuck there
not moving

Could we before we before we do that

can I just pace up and down
the corridor slightly

because I'm getting quite shaky
- Of course you can, I'm sorry

I feel the shake is getting slightly worse
- Yes, have a pace

Oh wow, that is a quite a serious
slab of medication, isn't it

Two different ones that try to
stop me going too high and too low

One slows down the swings
and one stops going to high

The stuff for my thyroid because
that also slows mood swings down

Something to help me
sleep and

something to do with paranoia and
other psychotic thinking

and then there is the
mineral supplements

try to stop my hair falling out
from the mood stabilizers

Golly wolly, every day?
- Every day

in your depressions have you considered
you know

the worst side of depression
what is suicide?

In a period of four days

I took an overdose I stepped
right in front of an oncoming train

I tried to drill a hole in
my head with an electric drill

and I cut my wrists

dig a hole in your head with an
electric drill that's is extreme

I was just so utterly despair I
didn't think I could take anymore

How do you see the future?

I do not see it
I try to take it a minute at a time

because at the moment
I don't see it

I'd like to. I really wish I could,
but at the moment I don't

I so very much bitterly
resent having manic depression

I wish I could say otherwise but
that is how I feel I resent it deeply

It's perhaps a hard fact but
one we should face

that of those people who have
severe bipolarity

and aren't receiving
treatment, half attempts suicide

and 20 percent succeed

Having met Connie
I realized I was lucky

originally to be diagnosed at
the mild end of the bipolar scale

But that was 11 years ago

now I'm concerned to know how my way
of dealing with it

will affect my rating
on Professor Craddock's scale for mania

A zero on that scale is someone who

has absolutely no features of being
bipolar at all

Between 1 and 39 that is somebody who

has what we call subclinical episodes of mania

40 to 59 on our scale is people who

only get hypo manias
That's the milder episodes

and then 60 and above is the range
where people experience full manias

From what you've told me, you
would score probably about 70

To be honest, I wonder
if you've got close to

having grandiose delusions
in that first episode

If you did on our scale that
would actually put you above 80

Well it's good to know
I'm not wasting your time

and that my little genes may
be of some help in your research

I didn't expect that. It's worrying
that I seem to be getting worse

Clearly I must now consider treatment

I haven't been on any medication
since my original diagnosis

Should I be?

I think my life needs to change
dramatically

British subtitles (transcript):
BABL