From antagonist to ally: how a friend taught me tolerance | Mark Schiller | TEDxYouth@HPA

Mark explains how representation helps one overcome personal biases and become more accepting of others. Please be aware that this presentation contains mature themes and derogatory language, including homophobic slurs; it is not recommended for young children or anyone who is uncomfortable with this type of material.

Mark is a Junior at Hawaiʻi Preparatory Academy. He is the founder and president of HPA's Gender and Sexuality Alliance and a vocal student activist for LGBT rights.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

I would like to share a story
with you today,

the story of a very
transformative life event

which set me on the path
to where I am today

by helping me overcome
some of my personal prejudices.

Please be aware that this story
contains mature content

and derogatory language,

including homophobic slurs.

If you are sensitive
to this type of material

or if you have young children with you,

please take this opportunity

to step outside for the remainder
of this presentation.

I will not be offended at all,

as I understand that this content
is not suitable for everyone.

I went the first 14 years of my life

without knowing a single person
who openly identified as LGBT,

that is, someone who is lesbian,
gay, bisexual or transgender.

Looking back, I might call the community
in which I grew up homophobic,

but back then, well,
I just called it normal.

I grew up in a neighborhood
without any gay couples,

and most of the people I knew
held very strong anti-LGBT beliefs.

At my school, many students
used homophobic slurs as insults.

At my church, many people opposed
the legalization of same-sex marriage

because they believed it was immoral.

Adults even told me that I should not
befriend any openly gay men,

because they could rapists or pedophiles.

I too was not free
from homophobic tendencies.

I used the word "gay" as an insult.

I did not support same-sex marriage.

I felt uncomfortable with LGBT people
because I saw them as sexual deviants.

I now understand that my past thoughts
and actions were and are wrong,

and since then, I have had experiences
which have broadened my horizons

and allowed me to become
more tolerant and more accepting.

In 2014, I moved and started
attending a new school.

I was excited and I couldn't wait
to make new friends.

The first friend I made at this new school

was a girl who sat next to me
in English class.

She was and remains an amazingly kind
and intelligent person,

and we quickly became close friends.

Unfortunately,

not all of my friendships
were so wholesome.

At this school, as at my old school,
homophobic language was rampant.

Many students used gay slurs
to insult each other.

Furthermore, at this age,
we were in 7th grade,

so we were 12 or 13 at the time,

the majority of my male peers
had already begun to watch pornography,

and many of them told me
that they preferred watching lesbian porn.

I was shocked, although in hindsight
maybe I should not have been,

that the same people who used language
which dehumanized gay men

also sexualized and fetishized
same-sex relationships between women.

I'm sorry to say that I mostly ignored
the blatant homophobia at my school

because I didn't care enough about it.

I was too apathetic to stand up to it.

"Why should I care if my friends
call people faggots?" I thought.

"It doesn't affect me."

I've since come to regret my inaction
because I now understand

that in the words of South African,
anti-apartheid activist Desmond Tutu,

"If you are neutral
in situations of injustice,

you have taken the side of the oppressor."

But a year later, something happened
which revolutionized my worldview.

The very first friend I had made
at this new school,

who had remained one
of my closest friends all the while,

came out as bisexual.

I was shocked.

All my life, I'd been socialized
to fear and hate LGBT people,

and all of a sudden, a dear friend of mine
turns out to be one of "them."

And me?

I didn't know how to feel.

Before I knew she was gay,

it was so easy for me to demonize
the LGBT community with hateful rhetoric.

When the LGBT community
was nothing but a faceless group,

it was so easy to stereotype
and hate and fear them.

But it was so different
when you're trying to point a finger

at someone you loved and cared about.

I did not speak to my friend
about her sexuality

until a long time after she came out.

I still wanted to be her friend,

but I didn't know
how to handle her identity.

At the same time I wanted to tell her
that I loved and supported her,

I wanted to tell her she was a sinner
who was going to hell.

I wish that I had been
mature enough to support her,

but unfortunately, my own internal
prejudices were too strong

for me to fully accept her
for who she was.

Instead, I kept my thoughts to myself

and tried to ignore
this part of her identity.

Eventually, I was able
to become more open.

Although this one event did not change
my point of view overnight,

it was the first step on the path
to becoming a more tolerant person.

After knowing my first openly gay person,

I was slowly able to become
more comfortable

with meeting more LGBT people,

and the more LGBT people
I became friends with,

the more accepting
and supportive of them I became.

Over time, I went from someone
who could not even think

about being friends with a gay person

to the founder and president

of my school's first gender
and sexuality alliance, or GSA,

a group which works to bring together
LGBT people and straight allies

to fight for rights and protections
for LGBT students.

When I became close friends
with people in the LGBT community,

I was able to better understand
who they were as people.

In doing so, I was able
to unlearn the socialization

which had taught me to fear gay men
and to fetishize gay women,

and I was able to learn
to accept others' differences.

It took me a while,
but a year after she came out

I was finally able to speak respectfully
to my friend about her sexuality.

She identifies as a lesbian now,
and she's out and proud.

She told me that she is happy
with her situation

and if she could do it all over again,
she wouldn't change a thing.

I have come a long way,

and I am not at all the same person
I was four years ago.

I've greatly improved myself,
but I'm not ready to stop here.

Now that I've done my best
to rid myself of my personal biases,

I am now attempting
to tackle societal ignorance.

My experience does not stand alone.

How many of you have been
afraid of something

because you did not understand it?

Fear of the unknown is human nature -

And -

(Coughs)

Fear of the unknown is human nature,

and negative stereotypes
and hateful rhetoric

stem from ignorance
towards a group of people.

Ignorance can be fought with knowledge,

and what better way is there to learn
than through personal experience?

So, I would like to challenge
each and every one of you

to go out this week and do one easy thing:

make a new friend.

Get to know this person for who they are
and learn about what makes them unique,

whether it is their gender,
their sexuality,

their ethnicity, their race,
their religion,

or a million different other things.

In the same way, teach them
about what makes you unique.

Learn about what makes
this person different from you,

but more importantly, learn about
what this person has in common with you.

By understanding how much you have
in common with those around you,

you help create a more diverse
and accepting world.

To quote English poet John Donne,

"No man is an island, entire of itself.

Every man is a piece of the continent,
a part of the main."

I believe that neither one gender
nor one sexuality

nor one ethnicity nor one race
nor one religion is an island.

Each is part of the great continent
of the human race.

Only by recognizing our similarities
and accepting our differences

can we reach our full potential.

Thank you.

(Applause)