-
Have you ever heard about someone
who was happy just before dying ?
-
A climber went up a mountain
and never came down again.
-
He reached his goal.
-
A diver went under water
and didn't come up.
-
He set his personal record.
Maybe he smiled at that !
-
And here l am,
at the end of this story.
-
This is me.
You might think l'm weird,
-
but even though l'm dying,
l'm happy !
-
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
-
1 5 SEPTEMBER 2000, 5:1 5 AM
-
What's a grudge ?
-
You bear a grudge when you...
well...when you and l...
-
Come on, you know what l mean...
You have to...
-
Jeez, why do l have to do
this voice-over ?
-
Now, a grudge is...
-
Well, you are buddy-buddy
with someone, right ?
-
You argue for some foolish
reason and then...
-
You don't see each other
for three years, like we did.
-
Who the hell is that,
at quarter past five ?
-
You haven't seen me for ages
and you slam the door in my face ?
-
What do you want ?
-
l know it's late
but something happened...
-
What the fuck do you want ?
-
Aldo is ill.
-
Yet, things were different
three years ago...
-
THREE YEARS AGO.
-
Giovanni, Giacomo and l were chums
once, l mean real chums.
-
Besides, we were actors.
-
Well, not really Actor's Studio,
we were more of... well...
-
Anyway, l worked as an extra
in operas...
-
lt was five nights a week
plus the matinee.
-
You know, at the beginning
you can't be too picky...
-
l found the job
thanks to my girlfriend Silvana.
-
l don't want to sound boastful,
but with me it was girls galore !
-
Guys, l know l told you
a hundred times, but it's true !
-
l'm in love !
-
Her name's Dalia, she's gorgeous,
she's nice, and smart and...
-
Whom are you talking to ?
-
No-one, get back to sleep.
-
- lt's that pic again, isn't it ?
- Just chatting with old friends.
-
Do you take
that photo everywhere ?
-
l feel uncomfortable without it.
-
Are you jealous ? Are you ?
Jealous girl !
-
''l've fallen in love with you,
-
because
l didn't want to be alone.''
-
Honey, l'm sorry !
-
Jeez, it hurts !
lt bloody hurts !
-
Bloody hell,
billions of platelets wasted !
-
Sorry !
-
Sorry, honey l'm so sorry !
-
Don't worry, seven billion
platelets wasted but never mind...
-
l'm so sorry, sweetie,
please forgive me !
-
Stop apologizing,
l'm weak and you smother me.
-
- Sorry.
- And now, the evening news.
-
Fools, the evening news
and it's only 2 o'clock.
-
''Drivers are stuck
in a traffic jam...''
-
Jeez, the matinee!
-
Where are my pants ? You never
find them when you need them !
-
- Don't throttle me !
- Your right arm here...
-
- Bloody hell, l can't breathe !
- Sorry. - Stop apologizing !
-
lf they don't fire me,
l'll quit, because l pity them !
-
- l'm so sorry !
- Will you stop that !
-
My fly's open, l know.
Give me a kiss, come on.
-
The picture ! My memories...
Kiss kiss !
-
Murderer !
-
- Would you like some ketch-up ?
- No, thanks.
-
Shit, do you know
what time it is ?
-
Pretty, aren't they ?
-
Maybe l wasn't a great extra.
-
But with my XYllth-century
costume on, l looked smashing !
-
lt went better for someone else.
-
Giacomo had made it in the cinema
world, he worked as a dubber.
-
He liked dubbing because
he could be a lot of people.
-
One day you are Cary Grant,
the next you are De Niro,
-
Pacino or Tom Cruise.
-
One day Giacomo
was Mister Quaggott.
-
How's your cough, Mr Quaggott ?
Let me hear it.
-
Again.
-
lt's fine, Mr Quaggott.
-
Go on with the treatment
and you'll be fine. Goodbye.
-
Before you let the next patient
in, l must tell you something.
-
- What, doctor ?
- l love you.
-
And then there was Giovanni.
His situation was even worse.
-
Poor devil, he worked as a mime
at a department store.
-
One, two, three...
Fuck off, mime !
-
- Let's do that.
- Come on, don't...
-
Come on, kids, l'm working !
l know you want to have fun...
-
Shit !
-
Why don't you go to school
like all kids do ?
-
What blockheads !
lf l catch you...
-
lf l were your father,
you'd get a good thrashing.
-
Didn't you hear me ?
-
- l told you to stand...
- Still. - And silent.
-
Don't talk and don't move.
-
You must not move
for no-reason-at-all !
-
This is not the street.
This is a big department store.
-
l'm watching you, be careful !
-
We have to defend our reputation.
Next time you move, you're fired !
-
And keep smiling.
-
Giovanni could have had
a better job.
-
His folks owned
a small coffee-shop.
-
lt's a pity
Giovanni hates coffee !
-
You'd think we were three assholes
and maybe we were.
-
Things changed the day l moved
house. lt was a big day !
-
Giovanni had agreed to let me
live in his parents' old store.
-
Living in a loft was my dream.
-
- Home sweet home !
- Not forever, anyway...
-
- Now l'm here l won't go away.
- Let me get this straight...
-
Sorry, Giovanni,
what a fool l am !
-
Thanks, man, you are a lifesaver !
-
lt's all right, we didn't use
the store anyway.
-
But you won't stay here forever.
-
Giovanni, come here any time.
The door is open for you.
-
Make yourself at home.
-
- Well, l own this place...
- Just give me a ring before.
-
Giacomino, you're welcome too !
People come and go in this house.
-
- No.
- We do whatever we want to.
-
- No.
- We'll eat and drink all day.
-
We get drunk and then
we break this bloody house down !
-
- You'll be in charge.
- Me ?
-
We were at a turning point
in our lives.
-
We would stage a play on our own.
We just had to choose one !
-
l have a great idea.
What about ''Cyrano de Bergerac'' ?
-
Giacomino, enough of this American
bullshit, give us a break !
-
- ''Cyrano'' is a French play.
- You're such a smart alec !
-
What about ''La Locandiera'' ?
-
But it's written in dialect !
How can you learn the lines ?
-
- What's the problem ?
- Can you act in dialect ?
-
- Piece of cake !
- Show me, then !
-
Gestures are all that matters !
-
l saw two Cozzer's
standing on a Johnny Horner...
-
- Johnny who ?
- Horner.
-
ls this Goldoni's dialect ?
-
Words are not important,
it's their sound that matters.
-
You've gone soft in the head.
-
Talking to you is like
talking to a brick wall.
-
l had taken an important decision,
l'd ditch my girlfriend, Silvana.
-
She was awfully clingy,
l wanted to get rid of her
-
and get together with Dalia,
remember ?
-
The girl who made me waste
four billion platelets.
-
l loved her so much
l had bought an engagement ring.
-
She'll come tomorrow at half past
seven, l'll give to her the ring.
-
''l'll give her the ring'',
you should brush up your grammar.
-
Jeez, you're so fussy !
Anyway, don't come here tomorrow.
-
We thought that was a fresh start.
-
But it was the beginning
of the end...
-
Freeze !
lt's Dalia, my Aphrodite !
-
- Come on, pick it up.
- Let her stew a bit.
-
She'll hang up.
-
Hello swee... Silvana !
-
- Tell her l'm not in !
- You answered, moron !
-
Thank you, friends my ass !
Silvana, l was about to call you.
-
That's telepathy ! What ?
Tomorrow at half past seven ?
-
l can't,
my dog is biting his tail.
-
l went to a kennels and got one.
Poor dog, l felt sorry for him.
-
- Tell me a dog's name, quick !
- Boxer. - Boxer.
-
Morons, boxers don't have a tail !
-
Well, he tries to bite his tail
but he's got diabetes.
-
The vet said so.
-
Tomorrow at half past ten. No,
half past seven. Alright, at nine.
-
Ok, eight o'clock. No, half past
seven, l'll call for you.
-
You'll come here ?
-
No, l've got nothing to hide.
l wanted to spare you the trouble.
-
Bye, then.
-
Why ?
-
Giacomino, please !
-
- What do you want ?
- Help me ditch her !
-
l can't spend my life
helping you to ditch your chicks !
-
- Please !
- Grow up ! Go and dump her.
-
l can only give love, you know.
-
- Come on, do him a favor.
- Come on, do me a favor !
-
- l can't, l'm working tomorrow.
- What are you doing ?
-
l'm dubbing a movie.
-
Did they ask you to fart
while a train is passing by ?
-
Look who's talking, Mister Mime !
What don't you help Aldo ?
-
- No problem. - Do it, then !
- Please, Giovanni !
-
Thank you !
-
l don't even know her,
what shall l say ?
-
Don't worry !
-
Jilting other people's
girlfriends is dead easy.
-
Just don't let her speak.
Don't give her a chance to reply.
-
Be cool and detached.
-
- Like Dino Zoff ?
- Precisely.
-
l know you don't know me,
but l must talk to you.
-
- Yes, but...
- Please, don't interrupt me.
-
Please, let me in.
-
l know it's painful,
but l hope you'll understand.
-
l understand everything but one
thing:
-
who's Aldo ?
-
Aren't you Silvana, the actress ?
-
No. l'm Marina,
and l'm a stewardess.
-
- ls this her flat ?
- Yes, but she'll be gone by now.
-
Good morning, ''Al Chicco d'oro'',
can l help you ?
-
Aldo, it's Giovanni. You don't
need to answer like that.
-
- Giovanni, you lost a client.
- Who ?
-
- One Barlocchi or Barlozzi...
- Mister Barozzi ! - Yes.
-
He was our best client !
-
Aldo, l told you
not to talk to our clients.
-
Just give them
my folks' phone number !
-
He was just a bumptious fool,
you won't miss him.
-
Listen, we must talk.
-
Did you sort out
that little business ?
-
That's the point,
l've made a mess of it.
-
Well, Silvana
is coming to your place.
-
- Who ?
- Silvana, she's coming over.
-
Are you brainless ?
Dalia is coming, too !
-
- Didn't you say second floor ?
- What shall l do now ?
-
l'll kill you !
-
What shall l do ?
Chill out !
-
You can't trust your friends !
l must relax.
-
l can't, l'm too edgy.
Bloody hell !
-
- Silvana, what a nice surprise !
- What ? You said half past seven.
-
l mean,
you're surprisingly punctual !
-
- You look funny.
- No, l'm all right.
-
- Let me in, l want to see
your house. - lt's all in a mess.
-
l'd rather you didn't come in,
l have to safeguard my image.
-
What's with you ?
Why are you looking round ?
-
- Can't l just look round ? - Let
me in, l must go to the toilet.
-
lt's stopped up, it's disgusting,
believe me...
-
What's going on ?
What are you hiding ?
-
- Nothing ! l mean...
- So let me in, let me in ! - No !
-
Let me in !
-
Jeez, what have l done ?
Why am l such an idiot ? ldiot !
-
Have l killed her ?
-
Honey, wake up ! Come on !
-
How are you ? Lean on me.
Are you all right ?
-
God, that hurt !
Aldo, what happened ?
-
Never mind that,
take a deep breath.
-
- Why did you head-butt me ?
- Who, me ? l saved your life !
-
- l remember you head-butted me.
- No, a tile fell on you.
-
l protected you with my body,
l saved your life, and you said:
-
''Thank you for saving my life,
but l think we should split up.''
-
- Did l ?
- You did !
-
''We've come to the end of the line
of our love.'' You said so.
-
- Blame it on the tile.
- Anyway, you said it !
-
No, sweetie pie, it can't be,
l didn't mean it ! l love you.
-
You can't imagine how much
l love you, l want to be with you.
-
What is this ?
-
lt's beautiful ! Oh, darling !
-
Sweetie, it's gorgeous !
-
lt's not clear how it happened.
lt was an accident but...
-
Was Aldo driving ? Who knows ?
-
l can't picture Aldo driving a
car.
-
He could hardly
ride his bike, remember ?
-
We're assuming it's all his fault
and maybe it wasn't.
-
l didn't even know
he had gone to Sicily.
-
l haven't seen him
since that day, maybe you did.
-
lt was three years ago,
wasn't it ?
-
Listen, l don't feel like talking.
-
Let's do this thing if we have to,
but we don't need to talk.
-
That's our train.
Palermo, platform seven.
-
We should buy tickets, Giacomo.
-
We bought them already.
-
We ? Who ?
-
Sorry l didn't tell you.
She bought them.
-
- Bye. - Giovanni, she called me.
- l don't care.
-
Giovanni,
we wouldn't have known otherwise !
-
- l don't give a damn.
- Listen, do it for Aldo.
-
Right, l'll catch a later train.
-
lt could be too late.
-
You know, l really think
we should stage ''Cyrano''.
-
There are a lot of characters
and it's just the three of us !
-
- l know, but l'll sort that out.
- Will you play Roxane ?
-
l'm not playing Roxane,
but l was thinking...
-
- lt's in French and in verse !
- Will you let me speak ?
-
- l'm listening.
- There's Cyrano, right ?
-
Giacomo, look at the ducks !
-
My idea
is to have a storyteller...
-
Giacomo, look at the sheep !
-
Look at that lamb !
-
- May l carry on or...?
- Please, do !
-
- As for Roxane, we can...
- Look at those turtledoves !
-
lf you don't want to listen to me,
just tell me, ok ?
-
l'll shut up, you don't need
to go ''quack'' all the time.
-
Giacomo, l'm listening to you,
but you should listen to nature !
-
- Ask me if l'm happy.
- Are you happy ? - Very.
-
- Look what l found this morning.
- A bicycle ? Sweet !
-
Moron ! A letter from Dalia !
-
She dumped me,
l lost her thanks to you.
-
- You gave me the wrong address.
- l don't want to talk about it.
-
- Anyway, that's not the point.
- What is ?
-
- l gave Silvana the ring.
- Didn't you want to ditch her ?
-
- l head-butted her first.
- What ? - You head-butted her ?
-
- Giacomino !
- What ?
-
She's showing off the ring
saying l want to marry her.
-
- So ? - Help me.
- No way ! - Please !
-
Pantani sprints ahead.
That's the Tour of ltaly, guys.
-
Baronchelli heels him.
-
Bloody hell ! The chain
has worked loose ! Wait for me !
-
Bloody chain ! Giacomino !
Don't you feel sorry for me ?
-
Eventually l had managed
to persuade Giacomino to help me.
-
He would go to Silvana's place
and talk her into breaking up.
-
lf he didn't succeed, he would
head-butt her and steal the ring.
-
Blimey,
l got all the if-clauses right !
-
What's this smell ? ls that our
dinner or a new fertilizer ?
-
You got rid of her, at last !
-
She was so clingy,
she was sticking like a leech !
-
You did it, l can tell
by the look in your eyes.
-
Bloody hell,
you're Mister ''Ditch'em all'' !
-
Did you manage to get the ring ?
Did you have to head-butt her ?
-
You didn't tell me that
Silvana's flatmate was gorgeous.
-
- What do you mean ?
- Ask me if l'm happy.
-
- Ouch ! - Are you happy ?
- Ouch ! - Are you happy ?
-
Relax, Silvana is not a problem.
Just do me this favor.
-
After the dinner party
she'll be history, trust me.
-
- When is the party ?
- Tomorrow.
-
- l can't. - Don't be such a fool.
- Do l have to be there ?
-
l told you we have to be in pairs,
Daniela and l, you and Silvana.
-
Daniela won't come
without Silvana.
-
Besides, we can't have a party
at your place without you.
-
Aldo, to have a 1960s fridge
doesn't mean to have 1960s food !
-
- lt's not just two pairs.
- What do you mean ?
-
They're bringing a friend,
she just moved in with them.
-
We need to find another guy
or they'll call it off.
-
No problem ! Giovanni ?
-
Can you pass me the cheese,
please ? What about Lello ?
-
- Lello is a bore !
- He is, l'll give you that.
-
- He's garrulous. - And talks
too much. We could invite Brio.
-
- We could, if he washed.
- You can't ask Brio to wash.
-
- Let's ask Rudy.
- The guy who steals car radios ?
-
No, the other one.
-
You mean the one
that does burp contests ?
-
- He won two gold medals.
- You're kidding, right ?
-
- He's a VlP and you don't care.
- l knew l couldn't count on you.
-
What fools ! Our man
is here before our very eyes !
-
Giovanni ? Have you got
a friend we can invite ?
-
- No. - Not even a primate
with an opposable thumb ?
-
- Get lost !
- lt was a joke !
-
- He bought it !
- l didn't. Get stuffed !
-
''Treat your woman badly,
keep her waiting for hours.
-
Don't call her, and when you do,
sound as if you don't care.
-
Let her think it's no big deal,
measure out love and cruelty.
-
Try to be a tender lover,
but once out of bed, be pitiless.''
-
Look, Aldo,
this sounds like bullshit.
-
Giacomino, listen to me.
Marco Ferradini is love's guru.
-
His song ''Love's Theorem''
tells you how to deal with women.
-
- Right.
- Back from the start.
-
- ''Try to be...''
- ..honest.''
-
No, ''a tender lover'' !
You forgot already !
-
lt's a key point in the Theorem !
-
l'll come because
l promised l would, ok ?
-
But what's the chick like ?
l hope she's not a monster.
-
She might as well be a German
hound, you must help Giacomino.
-
- Right. - The sooner, the better.
Back to the song.
-
You can read all the books there
are, which l would never dream of.
-
- You're a learned man, huh ?
- Ferradini is love's polymath.
-
Let's get this straight.
-
- The dinner party is
for Giacomino, right ? - Yes.
-
- He'll pay for it, then.
- No, we share.
-
- l gave my contribution, already.
- Which is ?
-
- A coin to get the supermarket
trolley. - But you'll get it back.
-
ln the meantime my capital
is frozen and interest rates grow.
-
- What ? - Giacomo,
you're hopeless in economics.
-
- What's with him ?
- He's lost it. Back to the song !
-
- ''Treat your woman...
- ..badly.''
-
You can do it, see ? Your eyes
sparkle with cleverness.
-
- Next, ''try to be...
- ..up to the situation''.
-
No ! ''A tender lover''!
Everybody knows !
-
- Madam, ''try to be...
- ..a tender lover.''
-
Even milk enzymes know by now !
-
Let's go on.
-
''Out of bed...
-
- ..Keep your head.''
- No ! ''Be pitiless'' !
-
You're hopeless,
l'm wasting my time.
-
Giovanni, call the dinner off,
we're not ready, we can't do it.
-
Stop playing the fools,
we still have to get dinner ready.
-
Giacomino, everybody knows it:
''Once out of bed, be pitiless.''
-
- ''Once out of bed...
- ..be pitiless.''
-
- That's impressive, isn't it ?
- You need a brain transplant !
-
So the girls will find the house.
-
ldiot ! My cousin
became deaf because of that !
-
- And you'll become dumb
after this. - Stay away from me.
-
lf Giacomino sits down here,
Daniela can sit here.
-
- Giacomino ?
- What ?
-
- What's your best profile ?
- Pardon ?
-
Never mind,
l'll leave it to chance.
-
Silvana must sit
as far as possible from me.
-
The coin in the supermarket
trolley ! l left it in there !
-
Marina, the stewardess.
-
Ok, l'll say one thing
and then l'll shut up.
-
On a magazine they told you
how to give medicines to a cat.
-
You take the cat's paw, right ?
You spread the medicine on it.
-
The cat licks it up,
so he takes the medicine.
-
True, when my grandma
had to give me suppositories,
-
she spread them
on the saddle of my bike !
-
Giovanni, tell me one thing.
How did you and Marina meet ?
-
Well, you know...
-
- We have mutual friends.
- Precisely.
-
l bet you didn't meet on a plane,
Giovanni is afraid of flying.
-
- Are you really ?
- Not much.
-
Not much, he just shits
in his pants, doesn't he sweetie ?
-
- Just a little.
- Anyway, how did you two meet ?
-
Silvana, he told you,
they have mutual friends.
-
You said you'd shut up
but you don't !
-
- Who are your mutual friends ?
- Giovannino, what's this smell ?
-
- What smell ?
- Like something burning.
-
- The roast !
- l can smell it too.
-
- l'll check it out.
- l'll help. - Thanks.
-
- l can't smell anything.
- You screwed up your nostrils.
-
lt was really burning.
-
- l really smelt it.
- Did you ? - No !
-
That Aldo over there...
-
- ls he the one you told me
about ? - Yes.
-
- Are they still together ?
- So it seems.
-
He also gave her a ring.
-
lt's a long story,
l cocked the whole thing up.
-
- Giacomo is coming on to...
- So it seems.
-
- So we...
- What ?
-
- We are the third pair !
- No, l mean...
-
l wouldn't have come
if l had known you'd be here too.
-
- Thanks a lot !
- No, l mean...
-
l wish ! l mean...
l wish you...
-
Well, excuse me.
-
The problem is to find a theatre,
because we can sort out the rest.
-
You know, appearance
is not important.
-
lt's the ideas that matter,
the content.
-
The history of drama says it all:
make your imagination work !
-
What play will you stage ?
-
He'd like to stage ''Cyrano''
but we're not sure.
-
l can be Roxane, then ! l can
picture myself on the balcony.
-
''A kiss is a rose-dot
on the 'i' of 'adoration'.''
-
We should do ''Three men
in a boat'', it's just men.
-
l'm playing Cyrano.
-
You won't need a fake nose !
-
Giacomino, don't take it badly.
lf l had your nose...
-
l'd hang myself !
-
We'll draw a rubber band round it.
-
- So it will look fake.
- Does anyone want some sangria ?
-
- Nice idea !
- lt's the tenor's helmet.
-
They fired me,
l took this as golden handshake.
-
- lt sucks.
- lt was Pavarotti's helmet.
-
- That means five liters
of sangria ! - Plus his dandruff.
-
- Nobody lives upstairs, right ?
- Why ?
-
- l heard a noise.
- Maybe it was a pigeon.
-
- Who the fuck are you ?
- Who are you ?
-
Shut up, where are the computers ?
-
- What computers ?
- Sit down.
-
- Are you here for Pavarotti's
helmet ? - Shut up.
-
The helmet is safe.
-
- lsn't this number 1 6 ?
- No, this is number 65.
-
Don't worry,
let's forget about it.
-
- Calm down.
- Sit down and shut up !
-
Give me your wallet.
-
- Calm down. - Your wallet !
- Keep that gun down. - Shut up !
-
- There you go.
- Sit down.
-
Don't aim your gun at me !
-
- lt's empty !
- You only asked for my wallet.
-
- We don't have a penny !
- Shut up, bitch !
-
- l like this guy !
- You !
-
- Take your girlfriend's necklace.
- l'm not his... - Shut up.
-
Look, my girlfriend has a ring.
Show him !
-
- l don't give a damn. - What ?
lt cost half a million lira !
-
- Give it to me. - But...
- Quick ! - Do as you're told !
-
- What's in your mouth ?
- Nuffin... - Open your mouth !
-
Open it !
-
You can shut up.
Hurry up !
-
Don't !
-
lt's a fake gun.
-
Don't cry !
-
Thanks, guys.
For the roast, too !
-
- Don't mention it, Beppe.
- Without your help, l...
-
Beppe, cheer up !
Everything will be fine.
-
You are a smart boy, l can tell.
-
How ?
-
Beppe, it's just a stock phrase,
don't analyze every word.
-
You should give up burglary,
it's not your cup of tea.
-
Find a job and a nice girlfriend,
and you'll be fine.
-
lt's easier said than done.
Girls !
-
Take that girl at your place,
the blonde with the necklace.
-
- Daniela ? - Yes. She gave me
her number but what shall l do ?
-
- She gave you her number ?
- Yes, but...
-
l can't call her and say:
''Hi, l'm the burglar, remember ?''
-
- What number did she give you ?
- Her phone number.
-
- But l'm ashamed to call her.
- Why did she ?
-
- Let's go, Giacomino. Bye, Beppe.
- Bye.
-
- ls there a problem ?
- Giacomino is a bit screwed up.
-
- Well, thanks again. - Bye.
- Maybe l'll call you. - Sure.
-
- Ok ? Goodnight.
- Hey, mate, that's my bicycle.
-
- Sorry, l...
- Yes, whatever. - l was just...
-
You grew fond of it, right ?
Try and quit old habits, ok ?
-
Tell me the truth. Do you think
Beppe is more attractive than me ?
-
Giacomino, don't analyze too much.
-
Anyway,
Daniela is out of your league.
-
- Why ? - She's got savoir faire,
she belongs to the noblesse.
-
Live and let live.
-
What a shitty year !
-
Do you think the ring l swallowed
will cause me trouble ?
-
No, just eat a bar of soap
and it will slip down.
-
- l feel weird. - You are weird,
Giovanni, it's not the ring.
-
No, Aldo, my mouth is dry.
l feel as if it had dried up.
-
- What ?
- My mouth dried up.
-
Jeez ! He's about to cry, your
mouth's dry. Cheer up, will ya !
-
- Right, guys, what about a
Championship Cup ? - All right.
-
- Stop it, Giacomo !
- God, you're so touchy !
-
Mr Touchy gets two free throws.
-
Sweet !
-
l'll score again.
-
- l stopped you.
- You can't stop a free throw.
-
- Go get the ball.
- You go. - l'll go.
-
Can you give us the ball ?
We're leaving.
-
Send constables
Briosca and Rezzoli.
-
Get it !
-
Get out of here !
-
Some vandals damaged a statue
in the square. Nose and ear.
-
- Did you find the criminals ?
- No, it was a kids' gang.
-
l can't fire my gun at night,
can l ? What criminals !
-
Right, write down a report
tomorrow. Goodnight.
-
- Goodnight.
- Thank goodness ! - lt's fine.
-
- What's her name again ?
- Marina. She's fantastic.
-
l don't know what's happening
to me, l feel weird...
-
When l met her l wasn't impressed,
-
but today she opened the door
and dazzled me with her blue eyes.
-
lt's like when you see
a car parked out of a space.
-
The first time you don't care,
the second time you fine the guy.
-
Anyway, l feel full of energy.
-
l'd love to go to her place,
throw coppers at her window,
-
serenade her, just to impress her,
do you understand ?
-
- Serenade her ? - Yes.
- Where does she live ?
-
- Via Guarrazzi. - What number ?
- Number 2. Why ?
-
There's street cleaning,
she wouldn't hear anything.
-
A pity, it was a nice idea.
-
- See you, Antonio.
- We could play basket again.
-
- Sure. - Change your route,
they're doing maintenance works.
-
Get lost !
-
1 5 SEPTEMBER 2000, 1 2:50PM
-
What kind of sandwiches
do you have ?
-
- Ham, cheese, cheese and ham...
- Smoked or cooked ? - Cooked ham.
-
- l don't like it. What about
cheese ? - Just cheese.
-
Well, there are different sorts
of cheese: cheddar, mozzarella...
-
- l got up at 6 this morning.
- l got up at 5.
-
When did you go to bed ?
-
- Around eleven, half past eleven,
midnight. - l went to bed at 2am.
-
- Well, cheese sandwich, then.
- Right. - l'm sorry.
-
Can you warm it up a bit ?
-
Sure !
-
lt will take half an hour.
-
- Forget that.
- Are you sure ? - Yes.
-
Two sandwiches, a Coke and
a bottle of sparkling water.
-
- l'll treat this gentleman here.
- No, l'll pay for my sandwich.
-
- Come on, l'll treat you.
- l don't want you to.
-
- How much is it ?
- 4500 lira. - Right.
-
- Don't you have the money ?
- l need to find a cash point.
-
- l'll pay for it.
- l don't want you to.
-
- You'll pay me back.
- l'm not hungry any more.
-
- Do you know what time l got up ?
- At six. Forget the sandwich.
-
- l'll take it.
- l'm not eating it. - Whatever.
-
- How much is that ?
- 21.200 lira. - Here.
-
Your sandwich !
-
l'll pay you back !
-
Promise.
-
What about some Coke ?
-
- No, thanks, l'm fine.
- Come on. - Don't insist.
-
Well, maybe l'll have just a sip.
-
lt's nice, refreshing !
-
lt just
slipped down my throat, thanks.
-
After that fateful dinner party,
things got better and better.
-
Giovanni gave Marina the ring,
but l don't know how he managed.
-
Anyway, they were an item
and billed and cooed all the time.
-
Things were getting serious,
Giovanni had even bought a car.
-
For romantic trips.
And he had taken a decision.
-
He would ask Marina
to move in with him.
-
Lucky people ! l had jilted
Silvana but felt emptied.
-
So l took refuge in silence,
meditation and introspection.
-
lf you feel down, treat yourself
to a Zen course at a disco !
-
We had chosen the play !
-
Giacomo had talked us
into staging ''Cyrano de Bergerac''.
-
We have the play,
we have the posters.
-
- Here. - Have a look...Sweet !
- Just printed.
-
Moron, Cyrano is with C
not with S !
-
- You wrote Bergerac with K !
- He's not Diabolik, is he ?
-
You're useless !
-
We were rehearsing like crazy.
-
We had found the female
protagonist, Francesca.
-
lt was all like a dream.
But it soon turned into nightmare.
-
A bad one !
-
- Fuck you !
- Francesca ! - Fuck you, too !
-
Aldo !
-
Aldo !
-
- What did you do now, huh ?
- What ?
-
- We've just seen Francesca.
What did you do ? - Nothing.
-
Look, smartie, you didn't
come on to her, did you ?
-
- No.
- Be honest.
-
- Yes. - She caught you
with another girl, didn't she ?
-
- No. - Be honest !
- Yes !
-
Congrats !
You're the Asshole of the Year !
-
- There's only one thing to do.
- What ? - Call Silvana.
-
- Are you kidding ? Not her !
- She knows the part.
-
- You can't do this to me !
- You screwed up, now you pay.
-
- Hang on a minute,
l have an idea. - Which is ?
-
Let's organize an audition.
-
- What's your name ?
- Elena Anselmi.
-
- Where are you from ?
- Milan.
-
l assume
you're a professional actress.
-
l am. What about you ?
-
The play is ''Cyrano de Bergerac''.
-
Bergerac is the name
of the playwright.
-
l assume
you're a professional actress.
-
- l worked with Peter Brook.
- Fancy ! The great Peter Brook !
-
My goodness, l had no idea
he was a theatre director as well.
-
- Let me do the talking !
- What did l say ?
-
Aldo, let him do the talking !
-
l'm sure you know who Cyrano is.
-
l'll play Cyrano,
he is a romantic character.
-
He's in love with Roxane,
but he's ashamed of his nose.
-
He helps Christian, who's handsome
but stupid, to win Roxane over.
-
- Who's playing Christian ?
- l'm playing Christian the Fair.
-
- Be serious, who's Christian ?
- l'll be Christian the Fair.
-
- What ?
- l didn't say anything !
-
...He's so ashamed of his nose
that he gives up his love.
-
He helps Christian, who's handsome
but stupid, to win Roxane over.
-
l'm playing
Christian the Stupid.
-
- The scenery will be minimalist.
- Haven't we met ?
-
- l don't think so. - You are
the department store mime !
-
- Yes.
- Really ?
-
l've been working there
for a year.
-
What's wrong ?
-
Giovanni, you don't need
to say everything.
-
lt's a Kafkaesque situation.
-
Who's this guy Kafkaesque,
by the way ?
-
We have planned the staging
to the last detail.
-
The scenery is very important,
it's our signature style.
-
''Sobriety above all'',
is our motto.
-
Giacomo, look !
The pen looks as soft as rubber.
-
Why don't you go to a
supermarket and mime a cactus ?
-
Sorry.
-
So, what do you think ?
-
When do we start ?
-
The staging of ''Cyrano''
got off to a bad start.
-
lf you think that was bad, well...
the worse was still to come !
-
For love can be such a bastard !
-
Call it fear but...
-
Moving in together
seems a rash decision to me.
-
We need to sign for the flat.
We were lucky to find it.
-
lt's perfect,
it just needs decorating.
-
l wouldn't rash things.
-
The bathroom is huge.
-
The window looks out
on the stairs, though.
-
Anyway, if you're in the bathroom
you're not on the stairs, right ?
-
You know, it's a matter of
space, of individual habits...
-
We can put my mum's furniture
in the dining room.
-
And in the kitchen as well.
Can you ask for anything more ?
-
l have this nightmare: my parents
watching TV and keeping silent.
-
And they loved each other !
-
What do you think ?
-
Well,
maybe l shouldn't say that, but...
-
lf you are so doubtful...
-
Either you move in with him
or you dump him.
-
Maybe l shouldn't say that...
but your mum's furniture sucks !
-
Giacomo, you couldn't tell
a plane from a steam iron.
-
You don't need to be a carpenter
to appraise furniture.
-
- The know-how is the key, mate.
- What the fuck are you saying ?
-
So is life, Giacomo.
-
- Giovanni !
- Giovanni...
-
What did she say exactly ?
-
Exactly ?
She needs to think it over.
-
Where is she now ?
-
- Where is she now ? ln Frankfurt.
- Frankfurt ?
-
lt's her job, you know.
She said she needed a break.
-
ln Frankfurt ?
-
l can tell what she's up to
in Frankfurt, the City of Vice !
-
l bet she told him she needs
to be alone to think.
-
She said she wants to think,
she needs to be alone.
-
Well, it was the other way round.
-
- lt's normal in a relationship...
- Yes, the relationship.
-
- Giovanni, she didn't mean that.
- She didn't mean that.
-
Don't repeat every word l say !
One asks, the other replies !
-
Replies.
-
You're good at jilting girls...
-
But as couples' counselor
you suck ! Leave it to me.
-
Don't worry, we'll sort this out.
-
Giovannino, what did you say her ?
-
Say ''to'' her, mind your grammar !
-
Giacomino, l'll hit you with
a shovel in a minute.
-
What did you say ''to'' her ?
-
l stayed silent, l was miming.
l didn't know what to say, anyway.
-
- She did the talking
and you were mum ? - Yes.
-
Bloody hell, she wanted you to...
Don't you know women, yet ?
-
- You're a first-class asshole !
- You reckon ? - l reckon.
-
Now go and get the first flight
to St. Petersburg, understood ?
-
lt's Frankfurt, anyway.
-
Giacomino, l'll use the shovel
to kill you and then to bury you !
-
- Geography is important.
- Your health is, too.
-
- Are you still here ? Hurry up !
- l don't think l should.
-
- He's afraid of flying.
- What ?
-
- You are afraid of flying !
- He's terrified.
-
lt's not that. Anyway,
l'm working as a mime tomorrow.
-
l can't believe my ears !
l could stand in for you,
-
but your costume is too tight
and my family jewels show.
-
- But Giacomino can do it !
- Him ? - Sure, why not ?
-
l can mime touching a wall,
climbing stairs...
-
- Don't. - A flower blooming,
pulling a rope...
-
- Don't do that.
- And that one. - Which one ?
-
- The skater.
- He did it. - Ok, l'll stay.
-
l would be worried too,
but since he has to stand still...
-
Shall l go ? l'm going.
-
- Thank you.
- lt's all right.
-
Excuse me, which floor
is men's underwear ?
-
- No idea, try second floor.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
-
- What's wrong with you ?
- Nothing. - Don't answer.
-
- You asked me... - Stand still.
- But... - And shut up.
-
- Didn't your friend tell you ?
- He did, but...
-
- Stand still ! Like this.
- Keep your hands off me, please !
-
You must stand still
no matter what happens, ok ?
-
Even if a client
asks you something, ok ?
-
- He looked for underwear...
- And you stay still and quiet !
-
- All the time ?
- Yes.
-
- Like l'm doing now ?
- Do you understand now ?
-
- l'm not stupid. - Let's see
if you can stand still.
-
That's our game, you see ? They
talk to you, you don't speak.
-
Our customers want this,
and we give this them.
-
We give this ''to'' them. You know,
grammar rules are important.
-
- Out ! - Easy...
- Security ! Take him out !
-
Put me down !
-
Tell your friend he's fired !
-
She's not in Frankfurt,
as far as l know.
-
- She's not here ? - She asked
a colleague to stand in for her.
-
- Hang on a minute, come on...
- Go, sod off !
-
Come on, go !
-
You can't treat me like that !
l was trying to do my job !
-
Giovanni ?
-
- Marina ! What...?
- Giacomo !
-
Weren't you in Frankfurt ?
-
lt's a long story.
But what are you doing here ?
-
- l had to stand in for Giovanni.
- Why ?
-
He went to Frankfurt
to look for you !
-
Gosh, what a mess !
l came here to talk to him.
-
- What happened to you ?
- l argued with the manager...
-
Have you heard about the inclined
plane theory ? l'll tell you.
-
lf you put a small ball on top
of an inclined plane,
-
the ball slides down,
going faster and faster.
-
lt's impossible to stop it.
-
Here they are: heart-broken
girl who needs to talk,
-
meets well-meaning,
trusted friend.
-
- How do you think it will end ?
- Can we talk ? - Say no !
-
Just relax and then you'll see...
-
l'm going that way.
-
- l can walk you.
- Say no ! - All right !
-
lsn't this your stop ?
-
Give me your hand.
-
Turn your face round.
-
But people are not small balls.
-
Just one look, a few words
can change the course of events.
-
lt's a pity Giacomino
is a puppet in the hands of fate !
-
Thank you.
-
You're welcome,
just not so tight !
-
l don't know how it could happen.
lt just happened.
-
- You know how these things go.
- No, l don't !
-
Anyway, do you really
have to tell him ?
-
- Of course !
- Are you sure ? - Yes.
-
- Wait after the opening night.
- The sense of guilt kills me !
-
Jeez, now you have a conscience !
You could have told him yesterday.
-
l had to tell him
he's been sacked.
-
- l don't believe my ears !
He's been... - ..sacked.
-
- Shit ! Why ?
- l argued with the manager.
-
ls it Cock-up Day ?
Girlfriend and job in one go !
-
Go run his mum over...
-
- And be done with it.
- Thanks ! - Don't mention it.
-
And, Giacomino ? lf l ask you
to do me a favor, don't do it !
-
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are ready to start.
-
Let the trumpets play
and the actors play their part.
-
Christian, my friend !
Come, embrace !
-
Cyrano, what news ?
No, l can't do it.
-
You must concentrate, the opening
night is in five days !
-
l looked for her everywhere,
nobody knows where she is.
-
What bad luck !
-
Paola told me she looked for me
at the department store.
-
l was in Frankfurt and she was
at the department store ! Gosh !
-
Haven't you seen her ?
-
- Who ?
- Well, Marina !
-
- No. - She must have come
after they threw you out.
-
- She must have. - Maybe she
didn't come at all. - Maybe.
-
Let's start again, Giacomino.
''Christian, my friend...''
-
''Christian, my friend...''
-
Well, actually, l saw her.
-
- What ?
- She was looking for you.
-
- Why didn't you tell me ?
- l thought it better not to.
-
You had a lot on your mind,
l thought l'd told you later.
-
Later my ass ! What did she say ?
-
Nothing special,
you weren't there so she left.
-
Come on, Giacomino.
''Christian, my friend...''
-
Well, we talked, a little.
-
Jeez !
-
What's with you Giacomo ?
Have you lost your tongue ?
-
- Tell me what she said !
- Nothing, really !
-
We went to a cafe, she had
some tea, l had a coffee...
-
l don't give a shit about it !
Just tell me what she said !
-
Will you turn
that bloody music off ?
-
- So ?
- Calm down...
-
You know, we didn't have
much of a conversation.
-
- l walked her home, and then...
- And then ?
-
Nothing, it's all forgotten.
-
What's forgotten, Giacomo ?
-
Well Jo... We kissed.
-
Jo, Jo !
-
Turn him ! Make up your mind,
we can't break him in two pieces !
-
l can't turn him, wait,
let him breathe.
-
Good heavens, Giacomino,
what did you do ? Jo, come round !
-
Hopefully he's lost his memory.
-
He's coming round !
Come on, Giovanni.
-
lt was just a nightmare,
how are you ?
-
- l was in Frankfurt
and you kissed her ! - Yes, but...
-
Shut up ! l was in Frankfurt
and you kissed her, l hate you !
-
- l can explain...
- What ? You're a bastard !
-
l'm through with you.
-
- lt was just a kiss.
- Mind your business, will you ?
-
A kiss... is just a rose-dot
on the 'i' of 'Frankfurt'.
-
- Are you taking the piss ?
- Sorry, l'm confused.
-
- You knew and you didn't
tell me ! - l didn't know !
-
You made me go to Frankfurt
so he could have a free hand.
-
lt's all a misunderstanding,
you're angry...
-
You make me sick ! Both of you !
-
- No, please, calm down.
- Shut up ! Just shut up !
-
You're an opportunistic parasite
who scrounges a living !
-
You know what ? Go to my store,
get your stuff and move out !
-
The fun is over !
-
- And the play ?
- The play, you said ?
-
Look what l'm doing
to your play !
-
Your bloody play !
-
Please, leave it.
-
Go, Giacomino, leave me alone.
-
Excuse me, where's the hospital ?
-
- Excuse me...
- l'm busy, ask the reception.
-
- Excuse me.
- Yes ?
-
- We're here for Aldo Baglio.
- Who ? - Aldo Baglio.
-
Leave it to me.
-
- Whom are you looking for ?
- Aldo Baglio, he should be here.
-
- Baglio...you mean Pirandello ?
- No. - He is a tall, bald guy.
-
And he has a bee in his bonnet
about acting. That's Pirandello !
-
Where can we find him ?
-
We discharged him.
We couldn't do much else for him.
-
- Why, is he seriously ill ?
- Well...are you his relatives ?
-
- No, but...
- Then l can say no more.
-
l'm family !
-
l'm col ceather, his aul lad
is my aul one's brathair.
-
- What ? - Me aul one, me mathair,
he's me first cousin.
-
- Will you stop that ?
- Yes.
-
- Pretty, wasn't she ?
- Who ?
-
- The nurse.
- That's not why we're here.
-
- l know. - You know we're here
for another reason.
-
l know, you don't need to tell me.
-
lt must be here.
-
What sort of place is that ?
-
- Who's that ?
- We're here for Aldo Baglio.
-
You must be his friends
from Milan ! Come on in !
-
Aldo will be happy to see you.
lf he recognizes you...
-
St Antony Abbot !
Thanks for taking me to Heaven.
-
lt's so bright and quiet here !
-
St Antony Abbot ! Are you
the cousin of St Antony of Padua ?
-
- Aldo ! Do you recognize me ?
- Yes, St Antony ?
-
- No, l'm... - St Antony !
- lt's Giacomino ! - Giacomino ?
-
What ? You died before l did !
Did you hit your head too ?
-
- No, we...
- Aldo, we've come to see you.
-
Marina, it's so nice to see you !
-
- Who's that old man behind you ?
- lt's me, Giovanni !
-
- Jeez, you look awful !
- He doesn't recognize me.
-
lf you're here, l must be dying !
-
- Aldo, don't say that !
- Auntie Caterina !
-
l want some sparky water !
Down my throttle...
-
- Sparky water !
- Calm down. - Here it comes.
-
- Sparky water !
- Yes, calm down.
-
How nice is to have you here !
You are friends again !
-
- Aren't you ?
- Sure, Aldo. - That's great !
-
- Here's your water.
- Here it comes.
-
- There you go.
- Water !
-
- Does it spark ?
- Sure it does. - Calm down.
-
Sparky water, sparky water.
-
l can't bear to look at him !
-
- Leave it to me. There you go.
- Sparky water. - Here.
-
Down my throttle !
-
- Can't we open the window ?
- Better not to.
-
The doctor
said the light bother him.
-
But, madam, what happened ?
-
He had an accident by chance.
Hit his head, woke up like that.
-
He don't eat, don't sleep,
just drink sparky water.
-
- What did the doctor say ?
- Doctors my foot !
-
l hope St. Bartholomew
come soon on his horse.
-
Let's hope so.
-
He carry him away
and put him out of his misery.
-
- Madam, try and be optimistic !
- l'm being optimistic.
-
- Are you ?
- Of course !
-
- My friends !
- Yes, Aldo ? - What ?
-
- Do you know wh... - What ?
- What did you say ? - Like...
-
- Like what ? - Aldo, calm down.
- Speak slowly.
-
- Do you know what l'd like
to do ? - What ?
-
Eating Uncle Toto's ''arancini''
with you.
-
- They're scrumptious !
- Can you get up, Aldo ?
-
- Shouldn't you stay in bed ?
- No, l can get up.
-
- Let us help you.
- l can get up.
-
- Let us help you !
- l can... no, l can't !
-
- You can't ?
- No, l can't. - Don't move, Aldo.
-
- l can get up.
- Help him !
-
l have bedsores, l can't get up !
-
- l fancied arancini !
- We'll get them.
-
- Would you do that ?
- No problem.
-
- Really ? - We're going.
- l love you ! - Come on...
-
- Thank you !
- We're off.
-
- l'll keep him company. - Ok.
- Marina, keep me company. - Sure.
-
ls that old man our Giovanni ?
-
- Where's Uncle Toto's ?
- Round the corner.
-
But Aldo stays here,
so if St. Bartholomew comes...
-
- ls this Uncle Toto's bar ?
- Yes.
-
Giovanni,
l meant to tell you this ages ago.
-
- What ? - Nothing happened
with Marina, apart from that...
-
- Forget that, Giacomo.
- l just wanted to... - Leave it.
-
Ladies and gentlemen
on your seats you may stay.
-
Let me introduce myself :
l am the Play.
-
Pirandello, you're a poet !
-
The Acts are my limbs
made to delight queens and kings.
-
My heart is called ''Plot'':
people who love and who love not.
-
My blood is what adds fuel
to the Plot: a kiss or a duel.
-
l feed on hand-clapping,
l'm killed by bad acting.
-
l am the Play
and shall split into Acts,
-
to tell you extraordinary facts
-
about two knights,
who know each other
-
and a lady who likes one
but loves the other.
-
You'll learn about Cyrano's nose.
You'd think it's made of putty.
-
lt's indeed the actor's nose
but don't tell him, he's ratty !
-
The other knight
is young cadet Christian.
-
He is handsome all right,
but his style is pedestrian !
-
Use your imagination,
this is fiction !
-
Both love Cyrano's cousin,
Roxane, and long for her embrace.
-
She loves Cyrano's soul and brains
but likes Christian's face.
-
My prologue ends there,
let the Play begin !
-
l shall weave the Plot with care
and embroider it while l spin.
-
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are ready to start.
-
Let the trumpets play
and the actors play their part.
-
Christian, my friend.
Come, embrace !
-
Cyrano, what news ? Good or bad ?
-
l saw Roxane.
-
Doth she love me ? Say !
Doth she think me fair ?
-
As Death draws near, l can see
what my tombstone shall say of me:
-
''Here lies a metaphysician,
rhymer, brawler and musician,
-
famed for the duels he fought,
-
who was everything,
and yet was naught.''
-
Could a storyteller say
more than the actors who play ?
-
All l can do, l fear,
is curtsy to you and disappear.
-
Cyrano, before Roxane's eyes,
opens his heart and then dies.
-
Like Cyrano, l shall die soon.
l am going to meet my doom.
-
Like a flower, l was made
to bloom for two hours and fade.
-
l live for your applause
and then l die, like a rose.
-
l know, l know... l lied !
-
lt was Marina's idea
to pretend l was dying.
-
l wasn't happy about it.
You know...touch wood !
-
Anyway, if l hadn't lied,
those two would never have come.
-
And l wouldn't be happy !
-
As my grandad used to say:
a white lie is better than truth.
-
That's all folks.
But l bet you're curious !
-
l guess you want to know
if we'll stage other plays,
-
if we'll spoil everything again,
-
if Marina and Giovanni
will get together,
-
if Giacomo will manage
to kiss the pretty nurse.
-
Well, l have no idea !
But, as my grandad used to say:
-
Everything is possible...
more or less.
-
Personally, l don't know
where l will end up.
-
l have an idea, though...
-
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