How to get rid of loneliness and become happy | Olivia Remes | TEDxNewcastle

About one in three adults suffers from loneliness. It can increase your risk of depression and early death, and it can affect your immune system. Loneliness is silent and contagious, but it can be overcome. In her talk, Olivia will share her insights on loneliness and how to beat it.

Olivia completed her PhD at the University of Cambridge. Her research focuses on anxiety disorders, using the European Prospective Investigation of Cancer study, one of the largest European cohort studies looking at chronic diseases, mental health, and the way people live their lives. Her research has been featured by the BBC, Forbes magazine, and USA Today, and she has appeared on several radio shows and podcasts talking about anxiety and the impact that it can have on people’s lives. Olivia is the creator and host of The Cambridge Talk Show, a weekly radio show focusing on lifestyle matters and mental health.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Loneliness can make you depressed.

It can lead to early death,

and it can make it more likely
that you get Alzheimer's disease.

I'm sure you would agree
that this is so interesting -

the fact that loneliness
can physically harm you.

The problem is that more
and more people are lonely today.

In fact, it's almost one in three.

You'd think that
with all of this social media,

smartphones,

and FaceTiming

that allow us to get in touch
with one another instantly,

that we'd feel more connected.

But actually, the opposite is true.

We're lonelier than ever,

more depressed and anxious than ever,

and people are turning to therapy
and antidepressants to cope.

The reason that loneliness
has such serious consequences

is that the human being
is a social animal,

and if it's on its own for too long,

it gets sick.

Today, I'll be talking to you
about how to get rid of loneliness

and become happy.

Now, you don't have to believe
anything I say -

just give it a try,
and see if it works for you.

So I'm a researcher
at the University of Cambridge,

studying anxiety and depression.

And whenever I tell people what I do,

many times, they point
to themselves and say,

"You've got a case study right here."

It's almost a ritual now:

I say what I do,

and people tell me that either
they have these conditions

or they know someone who has them.

And, many times, when you have
anxiety and depression,

you feel lonely.

It's hard enough dealing with,
say, anxiety on its own,

but it's even worse
when you're alienated by other people

because you can't talk to them
because you feel alone.

So they label you as rude,

or they steer clear
because they think you're weird.

And so you become lonely.

A little while ago,
I was talking to one of my friends,

and she was reflecting back
on her university experience.

When she started talking,

you could feel the sadness in her voice

when she said that she was always lonely
and never felt like she fit in.

She would ask herself,

"What's wrong with me?"

And I thought,

you know, to have to ask yourself
this question is so painful.

But it's the question

that many people who have anxiety
or who are lonely ask themselves:

"What's wrong with me?"

So to do something about it,
I started researching loneliness.

I became immersed.

I wanted to find out how
we can get rid of it and become happy

because this is what
we all want, isn't it?

The number one thing
that connects human beings together

is that we all want to be happy
and free from suffering.

This is the number one human desire
that makes you the same as your friends

and also the same as the people
you don't get along with.

The ancient Buddhist monks used to say

that happiness and suffering
are all in the mind -

they're not out there.

So happiness is not out there,
found through other people or objects.

Rather, it's in here.

So if happiness and suffering
are in the mind,

then it follows that the causes
of happiness and suffering

are also in the mind.

It turns out that if you want
to stop being lonely,

you have to change
how you perceive the world.

And this is where the difference lies

between people who are lonely
and those who aren't.

People who are lonely -

if something doesn't work out for them,

they say it's their fault,

and they ask themselves,

"What's wrong with me?"

But if you're not lonely,
you don't attribute failure to yourself,

and instead, you look
at the approach that you took

and think about other ways

that you can reach your goal
of, say, making friends.

There's one quote that comes to mind.

The difference between
humans and mice is this.

So if mice see something
doesn't work out -

you know, in those little experiments
when they're put through a maze -

if mice see something doesn't work out,
they try something else.

But humans will go back to doing
the same thing they've always done

and repeat their mistakes.

So how can we stop repeating our mistakes,

change,

and become happy?

These next two tips are key,

and I will share them with you.

The first strategy
to get rid of loneliness

is to start talking
with as many people as you can.

Now, I know you've heard advice

like "Get out there and meet people,

go to events,

because this is how
you get rid of loneliness."

But let's be honest:

such opportunities are limited

because it's hard to go to places alone
just to meet people.

It's forced, not natural.

How many times, though,

do you go to the grocery store
or a coffee shop?

Which is a much more realistic scenario
because it's part of your weekly routine.

And how many times
have you been asked something -

let's say, directions out on the street -

and instead of just
answering the question,

you also initiated a small conversation

or asked the person
something about themselves

like "Are you just visiting?"

or "What city are you from?"

Think about how different
your day might be if you did that.

This can also introduce you to new friends
when you least expect it,

and you begin to network with people
everywhere you go.

So start talking
with as many people as possible

and especially the ones
that you normally wouldn't talk to,

because these are often the ones

that we come into contact with
on an almost daily basis.

These are people like the bus driver,

the cashier,

the person preparing your sandwich
at your local deli.

If you do this,

this will really make a difference.

The second way to get rid of loneliness
is to share about yourself.

You might say you're doing
everything you can.

You're asking questions,

which is good for establishing
that initial connection,

but it's still not working out

and you're not creating the kinds
of connections that you want to -

the ones that are meaningful.

That's because when people are lonely,

they tend to disclose less
about themselves when they talk to others.

They reciprocate less.

So if you want to take your interactions
to a whole new level

and create connections
that are real with people,

then you have to share
about yourself and open up.

Tell stories about yourself.

Say what you like, what you think.

For example,

if you're talking to somebody

and they think social media
is a great idea,

but you think that, actually,
it's doing more harm than good,

it kind of -

you feel a little bit down

when you're looking
at other people's pictures

of their perfect holidays,

the food that they're eating,

and perfect jobs that they have -

then say what you think.

Believe it or not,

when we take the risk to say exactly -

to say what's really on our mind,

that's when we create connections
that are real and meaningful with people

and people want to come back to us.

Now, I'd like to go back to the story
about my friend who was very lonely

and would ask herself,

"What's wrong with me?"

She made it a point
to talk to everyone everywhere

and to open up.

She started talking with the person
helping her out at the phone store.

And when she was in a bookstore

and someone asked her
what the book she was reading was called,

instead of just answering the question,
she talked a little bit more.

She said what she thought of the book,

she recommended some other ones
on that same topic,

and she talked about

how what she was reading
tied into the work that she was doing.

That day was the first day
of their friendship.

Who would have thought

that just because she had made
this small resolve

to talk to everyone everywhere,

that this would happen -

that she would make a new friend
when she least expected it?

So I would encourage you all
to give these strategies a try.

Practice using them,

and don't think about

how much you're going to change
in one week or in one month.

Just take it day by day.

I'd like to leave you with a quote
by Martin Luther King:

"You don't have to see
the whole staircase.

Just take the first step."

Thank you.

(Applause)