Monty Python's Flying Circus 1x03 How To Recognise Different Types Of Trees From Quite A Long Wa

It's...

Monty Python's Flying Circus.

The larch.

The larch.

Mr. Larch, you have heard
the case for the prosecution.

Is there anything you wish
to say before I pass sentence?

Well, I'd just like to say,
my lord, I've...

I've got a family--
a wife and six kids--

and I hope very much you don't
have to take away my freedom,

because... well,
because, my lord,

freedom is a state much prized,

within the realm
of civilized society.

It is a bond wherewith
the savage man may charm,

the outward hatchments
of his soul-

and soothe the troubled breast
into a magnitude of quiet.

It is most precious
as a blessed balm,

the savior of princes,
the harbinger of happiness.

Yea, the very stuff and pith
of all we hold most dear.

What frees the prisoner-

in his lonely cell,

chained within
the bondage of rude walls,

far from the owl of Thebes?

What fires and stirs
the woodcock in his springe,

or wakes
the drowsy apricot betide?

What goddess doth
the storm-tossed mariner,

offer most
tempestuous prayers to?

Freedom!

Freedom!

Freedom.

It's only a bloody
parking offense.

I'm sorry
I'm late, my lord.

I couldn't find
a kosher car park.

Don't bother to recap, my lord.

I'll pick it up as we go along.

Call mrs. Fiona Lewis.

Call mrs. Fiona Lewis.

I swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth
and nothing but the truth.

So anyway, I said...
I said to her, I said-

they can't afford that
on what he earns.

I mean, for a start,
the feathers get up your nose.

I ask you, four and six a pound,
and him with a wooden leg?

I don't know how-

she puts up with it,

after all the trouble she's had-

with her you-know-what.

Anyway, it was-

a white wedding,
much to everyone's surprise.

Of course, they bought
everything on the hire purchase.

I think they ought to send it
back where they come from.

I mean, you've got
to be cruel to be kind.

So mrs. Harris said,
so she said, she said, she said

The dead crab,
she said, she said.

Well, her sister's
gone to Rhodesia,

what with her womb and all-

and her youngest,

her youngest as thin
as a filing cabinet-

and the goldfish, the goldfish,
they've got whooping cough.

They keep spitting water
at the Bratbys.

Well, they do, don't they?

I mean, you can't, can you?

I mean, they're not even
married or anything.

They're not even divorced.

And he's in the K.G.B.

If you ask me.

He says he's a tree surgeon

But I don't like
the sound of his liver.

All that squeaking
and banging every night-

till the small hours.

Well, his mother's
been much better,

since she had her head off,
yes, she has.

I said, don't you talk
to me about...

Don't you talk to me
about bladders, I said.

Mr. Bartlett, I fail to see the
relevance of your last witness.

My next witness will explain
that, if my lordship will allow.

I call the late Arthur Aldridge.

The late Arthur Aldridge.

The late Arthur Aldridge?

Yes, my lord.

Mr. Bartlett, do you think
there's any relevance-

in questioning the deceased?

I beg your pardon, my lord.

Well, I mean, your
witness is dead.

Yes, my lord... well,
virtually, my lord.

He's not completely dead?

No, he's not completely dead,
my lord, no,

but he's not at all well.

What? Well, if he's not dead,

what's he doing in a coffin?

It's purely precaution, my lord,
if I may continue.

Mr. Aldridge, you were...

You are a stockbroker

Of 10 Savundra Close, Wimbledon.

What was that knock?

It means "yes," my lord--

One knock for "yes"
and two knocks for "no."

If I may continue.

Mr. Aldridge,
would it be fair to say-

that you are not at all well?

In fact, mr. Aldridge,

not to put
too fine a point on it,

would you be prepared to say
that you are, as it were,

what is generally known as,
in a manner of speaking... dead?

Mr. Aldridge, I put it to you
that you are dead.

Where is all this leading us?

That will become apparent
in one moment, my lord.

Mr. Aldridge,
are you considering the question,

or are you just dead?

I think I'd better
take a look, my lord.

No further questions, my lord.

What do you mean,
"no further questions"?

You can't just dump
a dead body in my court-

and say "no further questions."

I demand an explanation.

There are no easy answers
in this case, my lord.

I think you haven't got
the slightest idea-

what this case is about.

My lord, the... the...

The strange, damnable,
almost diabolic threads-

of this extraordinary
tangled web of intrigue

Will shortly, my lord,

reveal a plot so fiendish,
so infernal, so heinous.

Mr. Bartlett, your client
has already pleaded guilty-

to the parking offense.

Parking offense,
schmarking offense, my lord.

We must leave no stone unturned.

Call Cardinal Richelieu.

Oh, you're just trying
to string this case out.

Cardinal Richelieu?

A character witness, my lord.

Hello, everyone.

It's wonderful to be here, you
know, I just love your country.

London is so beautiful
at this time of year.

You are Cardinal Armand
du Plessis de Richelieu,

first minister of Louis XIII?

Oui.

Cardinal, would it
be fair to say-

that you not only built up the
centralized monarchy in France,

but also perpetuated
the religious schism in Europe?

That's what they say.

And did you
persecute the huguenots?

Oui.

And did you take
even sterner measures-

against the great
catholic nobles,

who made common cause
with foreign foes,

in defense
of their feudal independence?

I sure did that thing.

Cardinal, are you acquainted-

with the defendant,
Harold Larch?

Since I was so high.

Speaking as a Cardinal
of the Roman catholic church,

as first minister of Louis XIII-

and as one of
the architects-

of the modern world already,

would you say that Harold Larch
was a man of good character?

Listen, Harry is a very
wonderful human being.

My lord, in view
of the impeccable nature-

of this character witness,
may I plead for clemency?

It's only 30 shillings.

Not so fast.

Why not?

None of your smart answers.

You think you're so clever.

Well, I'm Dim.

Dim? consternation, uproar!

Yes, and I have a few
questions I'd like to ask-

Cardinal so-called Richelieu.

Bonjour, monsieur Dim.

So-called cardinal

I put it to you
that you died-

in December 1642.

That is correct.

Aha! He fell for my little trap.

Curse you, inspector Dim

You are too clever
for us naughty people.

And furthermore, I suggest-

that you are none other
than Ron Higgins,

professional
Cardinal Richelieu impersonator.

It's a fair cop.

My life, you're clever, Dim,
he'd certainly taken me in.

It's all in a day's work.

Well, with a brilliant mind
like yours, Dim,

you could be something other
than a policeman.

Yes.

What?

If I were not in the C.I.D.,
something else I'd like to be.

If I were not in the C.I.D.,
a window cleaner me.

With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a scrub-a-dub-dub-

and a rub-a-dub
all day long.

With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a scrub-a-dub-dub,

I'd sing this merry song.

If I were not in the C.I.D..,
something else I'd like to be.

If I were not in the C.I.D.,
a window cleaner me.

With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a scrub-a-dub-dub-

and a rub-a-dub
all day long.

With a rub-a-dub-dub
and a rub-a-dub-dub,

I'd sing this merry song.

Hey!

If... I were not
before the bar,

Something else I'd like to be.

If I were not a barrister,
an engine driver me.

With a chuf-chuf-chuf
and a chuf-chuf-chuf...

Chuf...

The larch.

The larch.

This man is no ordinary man.

This is mr. F.G. Superman.

To all appearances
no different-

from any other
law-abiding citizen.

But mr. F.G. Superman has
a secret identity.

When trouble strikes,
at any time, at any place

He is ready to become...
bicycle repairman.

Hey!

There's a bicycle broken.

Up the road!

Goodness,

this sounds like a job
for bicycle repairman,

but how to change without
revealing my secret identity?

If only bicycle
repairman were here.

Oh, yeah.

Wait!

I think I know where
I can find him.

Look-- over there!

Bicycle repairman!

But how?

Look!

Is it a stockbroker?

Is it a quantity surveyor?

Is it a church warden?

No!

It's bicycle repairman!

Why, bicycle repairman

Thank goodness
you've come.

Look.

Why, he's mending it
with his own hands!

See how he uses
a spanner-

to tighten that nut.

Bicycle repairman,
how can I ever repay you?

Well, you don't
need to, Guv.

It's all right.

It's all in a day's work-

for bicycle repairman.

Our hero!

Yes, wherever
bicycles are broken,

or menaced
by international communism,

bicycle repairman is ready...

Ready to smash the communists,
wipe them up...

And shove them
off the face of the earth.

Mash the dirty red scum!

Kick them in the teeth
where it hurts!

Kill!

Kill, kill!

Filthy bastard commies!

I hate them, I hate them!

Tea's ready.

Coming, dear.

Hello, children, hello.

Here is this morning's story.

Are you ready?

Then we'll begin.

"One day, Ricky the Magic Pixie
went to visit Daisy Bumble

"in her tumble-down cottage.

"He found her in the bedroom.

"Roughly, he grabbed
her heavy shoulders,

Pulling her down onto the bed
and ripping off her..."

"Old Nick the sea captain

"was a rough, tough,
jolly sort of fellow.

"He loved the life of the sea-

"and he loved to hang out
down by the pier,

where the men dressed
as ladies..."

"Rumpletweezer ran
the Dinky Tinky Shop-

"in the foot of the magic oak
tree by the wobbly dum-dum bush,

"in the shade of the magic glade
down in Dingly Dell.

Here he sold
contraceptives and..."

Discipline...

Naked...

With a melon?

Benedictus benedicat

pereusum christum
dominum nostrum.

Benedictus benedicat...

pereusum christum
dominum nostrum.

Hello again.

Now here's a little sketch
by two boys from London Town.

They've been writing
for three years-

and they've come up
with a little number.

Here it is, it's called
"Restaurant sketch."

It's nice here, isn't it?

Oh, very good restaurant.

Three stars, you know.

Really?

Good evening, sir.

Good evening, madam.

And may I say
what a pleasure it is-

to see you here again, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Well, there you are, dear.

Just have a look there.

Anything you like?

The boeuf en croute
is fantastic.

If I may suggest, sir,
the pheasant a la Reine--

The sauce is one of the chef's
most famous creations.

That sounds good.

Anyway, just have a look.

Take your time.

Oh, by the way, I've got
a bit of a dirty fork.

Could you get me another one?

I beg your pardon?

Well, it's nothing.

I've got a fork--
a little bit dirty--

Could you get me
another one?

Thank you.

Oh, sir, I do apologize!

Oh, no need to apologize,
doesn't worry me.

Oh, no, no, no,
I do apologize!

I will fetch the headwaiter
immediatement.

Oh, there's no need to do that.

Oh, no, no, I am sure
the headwaiter,

he will want to apologize
to you himself.

I will fetch him at once.

Well, you certainly get
good service here, don't you?

They really look
after you, yes.

Excuse me,
monsieur, madame.

It's filthy!

Gaston!-- find out
who washed these up-

and give them
their cards immediately!

Oh, no, no...

No, better still--

Can't afford to
take any chances--

Sack the entire
washing-up staff!

No, look, I don't want
to make any trouble.

Oh, no, please,
it's no trouble.

It's quite right
that you should point-

these kind of things out.

Gaston-- tell the manager-

what has happened immediately!

No, no, please, I don't
want to cause any fuss.

Please, it's no fuss.

We simply wish to ensure
that nothing interferes-

with your complete
en joyment of the meal.

I'm sure
it won't.

It was only
a dirty fork.

I know,
and I'm sorry!

Bitterly sorry!

But I know that
no apologies I can make-

can alter the fact
that in our restaurant

You have been given
a dirty, filthy...

smelly piece of cutlery!

It wasn't
smelly.

It was smelly!

And obscene
and disgusting!

And I hate it, I hate it!

I hate it!

Nasty, grubby, dirty,
mangy, scrubby little fork!

That will do,
Gilberto... Gilberto.

Good evening, sir,
good evening, madam.

I am the manager.

I've only just heard.

May I sit down?

Yes, of course.

I want to apologize-

humbly, deeply and sincerely
about the fork.

Oh, no, please,
it was only a tiny bit dirty.

Just... couldn't see it.

Oh, you're good, kind,
fine people for saying that,

but I can see it.

To me it's like a mountain...

A vast bowl of pus.

It's not as bad as that.

It gets me here.

I can't give you any excuses for it,
there are no excuses.

I've been meaning to spend more
time in the restaurant recently,

but I haven't been too well-

and things aren't
going very well back there.

The poor cook's son
has been put away again-

and poor old mrs. Dalrymple,
who does the washing up,

can hardly move her poor fingers-

and then there's
Gilberto's war wound.

But they're good people
and they're kind people.

Together we were beginning
to get over this dark patch.

There was light
at the end of the tunnel,

when this...

When this... happened!

Could I get you
some water?

It's the end
of the road!

You bastards!

You vicious, heartless bastards!

Look what you've done to him!

He's worked his fingers
to the bone-

to make this place what it is-

and you come in with
your petty, feeble quibbling-

and you grind him into the dirt!

This fine, honorable man,

whose boots
you are not worthy to kiss!

Oh, it makes me mad.

Mad!

Mad.

Easy, Mungo, easy.

Mad.

Mungo!

Oh, the war wound!

The wound,
the wound!

It's the end!

They've destroyed him!

The end!

He's dead!

They killed him!

Revenge!

Revenge!

No, Mungo!

Mungo!

Never kill a customer.

Oh, the wound,
the wound!

The wound again!

Lucky we didn't say anything
about the dirty knife.

Oh, no, come on, no!

No, no, no, no!

Well, there we are, then,
that was the restaurant sketch.

Nice little number, bit vicious
in parts, but a lot of fun.

But how about
that punch line?

Oh, you know what I mean?

Oh, really.

Tired of that drab,
boring life you lead?

Then purchase a past.

Yes, thousands
of people have led-

far more interesting lives
than you will ever lead.

They undoubtedly continue
to lead interesting lives,

whereas you
just as assuredly will not.

Bits of their lives are being
made available for purchase.

For only 15 shillings-

dullards like yourself
can obtain-

beautifully framed photographs
of other people's lives.

Hang them in your den.

Stand them on your desk
or next to your bed.

Pretend they are pictures
from your past.

Hello, I'm uncle Frank
and family.

Mind if we stay
a couple of nights?

Or a month?

Or three years?

Hello, we're uncle George
and Agnes.

Where's the bathroom?

Shut up!

Oh, shut up!

Oh, sorry.

Not good enough.

Good evening.

Here is the 6:00 news
read by Michael Queen.

It's been a quiet day
over most of the country,

as people went back to work-

after the warmest July weekend
for nearly a year.

The only high spot of the
weekend was the meeting-

between officials of the
N.E.D.C. and the O.D.C.N. -

in Bradford today.

Mr. Ted Johnson
of the N.E.D.C...

In Geneva, officials
of the Central Clearing Banks-

met with herr Voleschtadt
of Poland,

to discuss non-returnable loans
on a 12-year trust basis-

for the construction
of a new zinc-treating works-

in the Omsk area of Krakow,
near the Bulestan border.

The board of trade has ratified
a trade agreement-

with the Soviet Union,

for the sale of 600 low-gear
electric sewing machines.

The president of the board
of trade said he hoped-

this would mark a new era
of expansion in world trade-

and a new spirit of cooperation
between east and west.

There has been a substantial
drop in gold reserves-

during the last 12 months.

This follows a statement
by the treasury-

to the effect that the balance
of imports situation-

had not changed dramatically
over the same period.

Still no news of
the national savings book,

lost by mr. Charles Griffiths
of Porthcawl,

during a field expedition-

to the nature reserves
of Swansea last July.

Mr. Griffiths' wife said-

that her husband was refusing
to talk to the press-

until the savings certificate
had been found.

In Cornwall, the death
has been announced today-

of the former minister
without portfolio,

General sir Hugh Marksby-Smith.

Sir Hugh was vice-president
of the Rotarian movement.

In the match between Glamorgan
and Yorkshire,

The Yorkshire bowler Nicholson
took eight wickets-

for three runs.

Glamorgan were all out for 36

And therefore won the match
by an innings and seven runs.

Weather for tomorrow
will be cloudy-

with occasional outbreaks
of rain.

That is the end of the...

The larch.

The horse chestnut.

Eric, do you think

You could recognize
a larch tree?

I don't know.

What's your name?

Michael.

Michael, do you
think you know-

what a larch tree
looks like?

I want to go home.

Bottom.

Are there
any other trees-

that any of you think
you could recognize-

from quite
a long way away?

I want... sketch
of Eric's, please.

What?

I want to see
a sketch of Eric's--

"Nudge, nudge."

A what? Sketch?

Eric's written a...

I've written a sketch.

"Nudge, nudge,"
Eric's written.

"Nudge, nudge."

"Nudge, nudge."

Is your wife a goer?

Know what I mean,
know what I mean?

Nudge, nudge,
nudge, nudge.

Know what I mean?

Say no more,
know what I mean?

I beg your pardon?

Your wife...
does she...

Does she go...?

Know what I mean,
know what I mean?

Nudge, nudge,
say no more?

Well, she
sometimes goes, yes.

I'll bet she does,
I'll bet she does.

I'll bet she does.

Know what I mean,
know what I mean?

Nudge, nudge?

I'm sorry--

I don't quite follow you.

Follow me, follow me!

I like that, that's good.

A nod's as good as
a wink to a blind bat?

Are you trying
to sell something?

Selling, selling,
very good, very good.

Oh, wicked, wicked,
you're wicked?

Know what I mean,
know what I mean?

Nudge, nudge?

Know what I mean,
nudge, nudge?

Nudge, nudge?

Say no more!

Your wife, is she...

Is she a sport?

Well, yes, she
likes sport, yes.

I'll bet she does,
I'll bet she does.

She's very fond of cricket

As a matter of fact.

Who isn't?

Know what I mean?

Likes games,
likes games?

Knew she would, knew she would,
knew she would.

She's been around?
Been around.

She's traveled.

She's from Purley.

Oh, oh, say no more,
say no more!

Say no more, Purley!

Say no more, Purley?

Know what I mean,
know what I mean?

Say no more.

Your wife interested in...

Photographs?

Know what I mean?

"Photographs?"
he asked him knowingly.

Photography?

Yes, nudge, nudge,
snap, snap,

grin, grin, wink, wink.

Say no more.

Holiday snaps?

Could be, could be
taken on a holiday,

could be, yes.

Swimming costumes,
you know what I mean?

Candid photography,
you know what I mean?

Nudge, nudge.

No, no, we don't
have a camera.

Still...

Look, are you
insinuating something?

Yes.

Well?

Well, I mean you are-

a man of the world,
aren't you?

I mean, you've been
there, haven't you?

I mean, you've
been around?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, like
you've done it.

I mean, you know,
you've slept with a lady.

Yes.

What's it like?

The larch.