0:00:19.092,0:00:21.388
It's...

0:00:21.388,0:01:10.604
<i>Monty Python's Flying Circus.</i>

0:01:10.604,0:01:12.806
The larch.

0:01:12.806,0:01:17.611
<i>The larch.</i>

0:01:17.611,0:01:20.814
Mr. Larch, you have heard[br]the case for the prosecution.

0:01:20.814,0:01:24.451
Is there anything you wish[br]to say before I pass sentence?

0:01:24.451,0:01:27.487
Well, I'd just like to say,[br]my lord, I've...

0:01:27.487,0:01:30.324
I've got a family--[br]a wife and six kids--

0:01:30.324,0:01:34.595
and I hope very much you don't[br]have to take away my freedom,

0:01:34.595,0:01:36.897
because... well,[br]because, my lord,

0:01:36.897,0:01:39.132
freedom is a state much prized,

0:01:39.132,0:01:41.869
within the realm[br]of civilized society.

0:01:41.869,0:01:44.571
It is a bond wherewith[br]the savage man may charm,

0:01:44.571,0:01:46.034
the outward hatchments[br]of his soul-

0:01:46.034,0:01:50.077
and soothe the troubled breast[br]into a magnitude of quiet.

0:01:50.077,0:01:53.113
It is most precious[br]as a blessed balm,

0:01:53.113,0:01:55.315
the savior of princes,[br]the harbinger of happiness.

0:01:55.315,0:01:57.718
Yea, the very stuff and pith[br]of all we hold most dear.

0:01:57.718,0:01:59.386
What frees the prisoner-

0:01:59.386,0:02:00.654
in his lonely cell,

0:02:00.654,0:02:02.656
chained within[br]the bondage of rude walls,

0:02:02.656,0:02:04.057
far from the owl of Thebes?

0:02:04.057,0:02:06.046
What fires and stirs[br]the woodcock in his springe,

0:02:06.046,0:02:08.295
or wakes[br]the drowsy apricot betide?

0:02:08.295,0:02:10.931
What goddess doth[br]the storm-tossed mariner,

0:02:10.931,0:02:13.333
offer most[br]tempestuous prayers to?

0:02:13.333,0:02:15.068
Freedom!

0:02:15.068,0:02:16.047
Freedom!

0:02:16.047,0:02:17.571
Freedom.

0:02:17.571,0:02:22.442
It's only a bloody[br]parking offense.

0:02:22.442,0:02:24.044
I'm sorry[br]I'm late, my lord.

0:02:24.044,0:02:27.848
I couldn't find[br]a kosher car park.

0:02:27.848,0:02:29.075
Don't bother to recap, my lord.

0:02:29.075,0:02:31.518
I'll pick it up as we go along.

0:02:31.518,0:02:32.819
Call mrs. Fiona Lewis.

0:02:32.819,0:02:36.256
Call mrs. Fiona Lewis.

0:02:36.256,0:02:37.558
I swear to tell the truth,

0:02:37.558,0:02:39.526
the whole truth[br]and nothing but the truth.

0:02:39.526,0:02:41.795
So anyway, I said...[br]I said to her, I said-

0:02:41.795,0:02:43.931
they can't afford that[br]on what he earns.

0:02:43.931,0:02:46.006
I mean, for a start,[br]the feathers get up your nose.

0:02:46.006,0:02:49.077
I ask you, four and six a pound,[br]and him with a wooden leg?

0:02:49.077,0:02:51.371
I don't know how-

0:02:51.371,0:02:52.406
she puts up with it,

0:02:52.406,0:02:53.907
after all the trouble she's had-

0:02:53.907,0:02:55.042
with her you-know-what.

0:02:55.042,0:02:56.376
Anyway, it was-

0:02:56.376,0:02:58.312
a white wedding,[br]much to everyone's surprise.

0:02:58.312,0:03:00.681
Of course, they bought[br]everything on the hire purchase.

0:03:00.681,0:03:03.116
I think they ought to send it[br]back where they come from.

0:03:03.116,0:03:04.952
I mean, you've got[br]to be cruel to be kind.

0:03:04.952,0:03:07.221
So mrs. Harris said,[br]so she said, she said, she said

0:03:07.221,0:03:09.289
The dead crab,[br]she said, she said.

0:03:09.289,0:03:11.425
Well, her sister's[br]gone to Rhodesia,

0:03:11.425,0:03:13.093
what with her womb and all-

0:03:13.093,0:03:14.628
and her youngest,

0:03:14.628,0:03:17.297
her youngest as thin[br]as a filing cabinet-

0:03:17.297,0:03:19.008
and the goldfish, the goldfish,[br]they've got whooping cough.

0:03:19.008,0:03:21.468
They keep spitting water[br]at the Bratbys.

0:03:21.468,0:03:22.936
Well, they do, don't they?

0:03:22.936,0:03:24.238
I mean, you can't, can you?

0:03:24.238,0:03:26.106
I mean, they're not even[br]married or anything.

0:03:26.106,0:03:27.274
They're not even divorced.

0:03:27.274,0:03:28.442
And he's in the K.G.B.

0:03:28.442,0:03:29.476
If you ask me.

0:03:29.476,0:03:30.978
He says he's a tree surgeon

0:03:30.978,0:03:32.779
But I don't like[br]the sound of his liver.

0:03:32.779,0:03:34.848
All that squeaking[br]and banging every night-

0:03:34.848,0:03:36.083
till the small hours.

0:03:36.083,0:03:38.285
Well, his mother's[br]been much better,

0:03:38.285,0:03:40.032
since she had her head off,[br]yes, she has.

0:03:40.032,0:03:42.556
I said, don't you talk[br]to me about...

0:03:42.556,0:03:45.158
Don't you talk to me[br]about bladders, I said.

0:03:45.158,0:03:49.363
Mr. Bartlett, I fail to see the[br]relevance of your last witness.

0:03:49.363,0:03:53.066
My next witness will explain[br]that, if my lordship will allow.

0:03:53.066,0:03:55.002
I call the late Arthur Aldridge.

0:03:55.002,0:03:56.303
The late Arthur Aldridge.

0:03:56.303,0:03:58.238
<i>The late Arthur Aldridge?</i>

0:03:58.238,0:04:00.014
Yes, my lord.

0:04:00.014,0:04:02.509
Mr. Bartlett, do you think[br]there's any relevance-

0:04:02.509,0:04:04.044
in questioning the deceased?

0:04:04.044,0:04:05.445
I beg your pardon, my lord.

0:04:05.445,0:04:07.214
Well, I mean, your[br]witness is dead.

0:04:07.214,0:04:09.055
Yes, my lord... well,[br]virtually, my lord.

0:04:09.055,0:04:10.984
He's not completely dead?

0:04:10.984,0:04:13.012
No, he's not completely dead,[br]my lord, no,

0:04:13.012,0:04:14.354
but he's not at all well.

0:04:14.354,0:04:15.556
What? Well, if he's not dead,

0:04:15.556,0:04:16.957
what's he doing in a coffin?

0:04:16.957,0:04:19.056
It's purely precaution, my lord,[br]if I may continue.

0:04:19.056,0:04:21.428
Mr. Aldridge, you were...

0:04:21.428,0:04:22.896
<i>You are a stockbroker</i>

0:04:22.896,0:04:27.167
Of 10 Savundra Close, Wimbledon.

0:04:27.167,0:04:28.669
What was that knock?

0:04:28.669,0:04:29.097
It means "yes," my lord--

0:04:29.097,0:04:31.839
One knock for "yes"[br]and two knocks for "no."

0:04:31.839,0:04:33.006
If I may continue.

0:04:33.006,0:04:35.008
Mr. Aldridge,[br]would it be fair to say-

0:04:35.008,0:04:37.678
that you are not at all well?

0:04:37.678,0:04:38.812
In fact, mr. Aldridge,

0:04:38.812,0:04:40.247
not to put[br]too fine a point on it,

0:04:40.247,0:04:42.716
would you be prepared to say[br]that you are, as it were,

0:04:42.716,0:04:50.958
what is generally known as,[br]in a manner of speaking... dead?

0:04:50.958,0:04:57.598
Mr. Aldridge, I put it to you[br]that you are dead.

0:04:57.598,0:04:59.199
Where is all this leading us?

0:04:59.199,0:05:02.536
That will become apparent[br]in one moment, my lord.

0:05:02.536,0:05:05.405
Mr. Aldridge,[br]are you considering the question,

0:05:05.405,0:05:11.645
or are you just dead?

0:05:11.645,0:05:25.959
I think I'd better[br]take a look, my lord.

0:05:25.959,0:05:28.395
No further questions, my lord.

0:05:28.395,0:05:30.023
What do you mean,[br]"no further questions"?

0:05:30.023,0:05:32.165
You can't just dump[br]a dead body in my court-

0:05:32.165,0:05:33.006
and say "no further questions."

0:05:33.006,0:05:35.035
I demand an explanation.

0:05:35.035,0:05:37.538
There are no easy answers[br]in this case, my lord.

0:05:37.538,0:05:39.072
I think you haven't got[br]the slightest idea-

0:05:39.072,0:05:40.073
what this case is about.

0:05:40.073,0:05:41.575
My lord, the... the...

0:05:41.575,0:05:44.344
The strange, damnable,[br]almost diabolic threads-

0:05:44.344,0:05:46.813
of this extraordinary[br]tangled web of intrigue

0:05:46.813,0:05:48.482
Will shortly, my lord,

0:05:48.482,0:05:51.318
reveal a plot so fiendish,[br]so infernal, so heinous.

0:05:51.318,0:05:53.687
Mr. Bartlett, your client[br]has already pleaded guilty-

0:05:53.687,0:05:55.022
to the parking offense.

0:05:55.022,0:05:58.325
Parking offense,[br]schmarking offense, my lord.

0:05:58.325,0:06:00.727
We must leave no stone unturned.

0:06:00.727,0:06:02.563
Call Cardinal Richelieu.

0:06:02.563,0:06:04.531
Oh, you're just trying[br]to string this case out.

0:06:04.531,0:06:05.532
Cardinal Richelieu?

0:06:05.532,0:06:14.675
A character witness, my lord.

0:06:14.675,0:06:16.543
Hello, everyone.

0:06:16.543,0:06:20.013
It's wonderful to be here, you[br]know, I just love your country.

0:06:20.013,0:06:22.516
London is so beautiful[br]at this time of year.

0:06:22.516,0:06:25.185
You are Cardinal Armand[br]du Plessis de Richelieu,

0:06:25.185,0:06:27.087
first minister of Louis XIII?

0:06:27.087,0:06:28.755
<i>Oui.</i>

0:06:28.755,0:06:30.049
Cardinal, would it[br]be fair to say-

0:06:30.049,0:06:33.794
that you not only built up the[br]centralized monarchy in France,

0:06:33.794,0:06:36.597
but also perpetuated[br]the religious schism in Europe?

0:06:36.597,0:06:38.699
That's what they say.

0:06:38.699,0:06:40.434
And did you[br]persecute the huguenots?

0:06:40.434,0:06:42.236
<i>Oui.</i>

0:06:42.236,0:06:44.137
And did you take[br]even sterner measures-

0:06:44.137,0:06:45.772
against the great[br]catholic nobles,

0:06:45.772,0:06:47.741
who made common cause[br]with foreign foes,

0:06:47.741,0:06:49.776
in defense[br]of their feudal independence?

0:06:49.776,0:06:51.245
I sure did that thing.

0:06:51.245,0:06:52.813
Cardinal, are you acquainted-

0:06:52.813,0:06:55.315
with the defendant,[br]Harold Larch?

0:06:55.315,0:06:58.051
Since I was so high.

0:06:58.051,0:07:00.454
Speaking as a Cardinal[br]of the Roman catholic church,

0:07:00.454,0:07:01.955
as first minister of Louis XIII-

0:07:01.955,0:07:03.257
and as one of[br]the architects-

0:07:03.257,0:07:05.125
of the modern world already,

0:07:05.125,0:07:08.629
would you say that Harold Larch[br]was a man of good character?

0:07:08.629,0:07:13.033
Listen, Harry is a very[br]wonderful human being.

0:07:13.033,0:07:14.902
My lord, in view[br]of the impeccable nature-

0:07:14.902,0:07:17.337
of this character witness,[br]may I plead for clemency?

0:07:17.337,0:07:20.034
It's only 30 shillings.

0:07:20.034,0:07:21.642
Not so fast.

0:07:21.642,0:07:23.877
Why not?

0:07:23.877,0:07:25.445
None of your smart answers.

0:07:25.445,0:07:27.014
You think you're so clever.

0:07:27.014,0:07:29.917
Well, I'm Dim.

0:07:29.917,0:07:33.787
Dim? consternation, uproar!

0:07:33.787,0:07:37.191
Yes, and I have a few[br]questions I'd like to ask-

0:07:37.191,0:07:39.359
Cardinal so-called Richelieu.

0:07:39.359,0:07:41.828
<i>Bonjour, monsieur Dim.</i>

0:07:41.828,0:07:43.263
So-called cardinal

0:07:43.263,0:07:45.399
I put it to you[br]that you died-

0:07:45.399,0:07:46.009
in December 1642.

0:07:46.009,0:07:48.168
That is correct.

0:07:48.168,0:07:54.942
Aha! He fell for my little trap.

0:07:54.942,0:07:56.061
Curse you, inspector Dim

0:07:56.061,0:07:59.079
You are too clever[br]for us naughty people.

0:07:59.079,0:08:00.714
And furthermore, I suggest-

0:08:00.714,0:08:02.916
that you are none other[br]than Ron Higgins,

0:08:02.916,0:08:05.552
professional[br]Cardinal Richelieu impersonator.

0:08:05.552,0:08:07.421
It's a fair cop.

0:08:07.421,0:08:10.891
My life, you're clever, Dim,[br]he'd certainly taken me in.

0:08:10.891,0:08:12.359
It's all in a day's work.

0:08:12.359,0:08:14.428
Well, with a brilliant mind[br]like yours, Dim,

0:08:14.428,0:08:16.663
you could be something other[br]than a policeman.

0:08:16.663,0:08:17.431
Yes.

0:08:17.431,0:08:20.167
What?

0:08:20.167,0:08:24.104
If I were not in the C.I.D.,[br]something else I'd like to be.

0:08:24.104,0:08:27.841
If I were not in the C.I.D.,[br]a window cleaner me.

0:08:27.841,0:08:29.943
With a rub-a-dub-dub[br]and a scrub-a-dub-dub-

0:08:29.943,0:08:32.012
and a rub-a-dub[br]all day long.

0:08:32.012,0:08:33.914
With a rub-a-dub-dub[br]and a scrub-a-dub-dub,

0:08:33.914,0:08:37.384
I'd sing this merry song.

0:08:37.384,0:08:39.092
If I were not in the C.I.D..,[br]something else I'd like to be.

0:08:39.092,0:08:43.724
If I were not in the C.I.D.,[br]a window cleaner me.

0:08:43.724,0:08:45.659
With a rub-a-dub-dub[br]and a scrub-a-dub-dub-

0:08:45.659,0:08:47.594
and a rub-a-dub[br]all day long.

0:08:47.594,0:08:49.053
With a rub-a-dub-dub[br]and a rub-a-dub-dub,

0:08:49.053,0:08:51.164
I'd sing this merry song.

0:08:51.164,0:08:52.432
Hey!

0:08:52.432,0:08:54.902
If... I were not[br]before the bar,

0:08:54.902,0:08:56.703
Something else I'd like to be.

0:08:56.703,0:09:00.974
If I were not a barrister,[br]an engine driver me.

0:09:00.974,0:09:10.851
With a chuf-chuf-chuf[br]and a chuf-chuf-chuf...

0:09:10.851,0:09:29.703
Chuf...

0:09:29.703,0:09:32.139
The larch.

0:09:32.139,0:09:48.989
<i>The larch.</i>

0:09:48.989,0:09:51.892
This man is no ordinary man.

0:09:51.892,0:09:53.794
This is mr. F.G. Superman.

0:09:53.794,0:09:56.096
To all appearances[br]no different-

0:09:56.096,0:10:20.022
from any other[br]law-abiding citizen.

0:10:20.022,0:10:23.079
But mr. F.G. Superman has[br]a secret identity.

0:10:23.079,0:10:28.061
When trouble strikes,[br]at any time, at any place

0:10:28.061,0:10:43.043
He is ready to become...[br]bicycle repairman.

0:10:43.043,0:10:44.244
Hey!

0:10:44.244,0:10:45.579
There's a bicycle broken.

0:10:45.579,0:10:48.882
Up the road!

0:10:48.882,0:10:50.035
<i>Goodness,</i>

0:10:50.035,0:10:53.353
<i>this sounds like a job[br]for bicycle repairman,</i>

0:10:53.353,0:10:56.657
<i>but how to change without[br]revealing my secret identity?</i>

0:10:56.657,0:11:00.006
If only bicycle[br]repairman were here.

0:11:00.006,0:11:01.395
Oh, yeah.

0:11:01.395,0:11:02.529
Wait!

0:11:02.529,0:11:04.965
I think I know where[br]I can find him.

0:11:04.965,0:11:14.174
Look-- over there!

0:11:14.174,0:11:16.041
Bicycle repairman!

0:11:16.041,0:11:22.015
But how?

0:11:22.015,0:11:26.022
Look!

0:11:26.022,0:11:27.855
Is it a stockbroker?

0:11:27.855,0:11:29.556
Is it a quantity surveyor?

0:11:29.556,0:11:31.391
Is it a church warden?

0:11:31.391,0:11:32.559
No!

0:11:32.559,0:11:39.066
It's bicycle repairman!

0:11:39.066,0:11:42.603
Why, bicycle repairman

0:11:42.603,0:11:45.072
Thank goodness[br]you've come.

0:11:45.072,0:12:15.536
Look.

0:12:15.536,0:12:19.239
Why, he's mending it[br]with his own hands!

0:12:19.239,0:12:21.808
See how he uses[br]a spanner-

0:12:21.808,0:12:29.116
to tighten that nut.

0:12:29.116,0:12:33.554
Bicycle repairman,[br]how can I ever repay you?

0:12:33.554,0:12:35.255
Well, you don't[br]need to, Guv.

0:12:35.255,0:12:36.456
It's all right.

0:12:36.456,0:12:37.858
It's all in a day's work-

0:12:37.858,0:12:43.463
for bicycle repairman.

0:12:43.463,0:12:45.699
Our hero!

0:12:45.699,0:12:48.368
Yes, wherever[br]bicycles are broken,

0:12:48.368,0:12:50.637
or menaced[br]by international communism,

0:12:50.637,0:12:52.506
bicycle repairman is ready...

0:12:52.506,0:12:55.375
Ready to smash the communists,[br]wipe them up...

0:12:55.375,0:12:59.012
And shove them[br]off the face of the earth.

0:12:59.012,0:13:02.349
Mash the dirty red scum!

0:13:02.349,0:13:04.785
Kick them in the teeth[br]where it hurts!

0:13:04.785,0:13:06.053
Kill!

0:13:06.053,0:13:07.921
Kill, kill!

0:13:07.921,0:13:10.257
Filthy bastard commies!

0:13:10.257,0:13:18.532
I hate them, I hate them!

0:13:18.532,0:13:20.901
Tea's ready.

0:13:20.901,0:13:32.813
Coming, dear.

0:13:32.813,0:13:35.182
Hello, children, hello.

0:13:35.182,0:13:37.384
Here is this morning's story.

0:13:37.384,0:13:39.253
Are you ready?

0:13:39.253,0:13:42.222
Then we'll begin.

0:13:42.222,0:13:46.056
"One day, Ricky the Magic Pixie[br]went to visit Daisy Bumble

0:13:46.056,0:13:48.695
"in her tumble-down cottage.

0:13:48.695,0:13:50.364
"He found her in the bedroom.

0:13:50.364,0:13:52.599
"Roughly, he grabbed[br]her heavy shoulders,

0:13:52.599,0:14:00.507
Pulling her down onto the bed[br]and ripping off her..."

0:14:00.507,0:14:02.042
"Old Nick the sea captain

0:14:02.042,0:14:04.511
"was a rough, tough,[br]jolly sort of fellow.

0:14:04.511,0:14:06.313
"He loved the life of the sea-

0:14:06.313,0:14:08.849
"and he loved to hang out[br]down by the pier,

0:14:08.849,0:14:21.828
where the men dressed[br]as ladies..."

0:14:21.828,0:14:24.364
"Rumpletweezer ran[br]the Dinky Tinky Shop-

0:14:24.364,0:14:28.402
"in the foot of the magic oak[br]tree by the wobbly dum-dum bush,

0:14:28.402,0:14:31.939
"in the shade of the magic glade[br]down in Dingly Dell.

0:14:31.939,0:14:41.782
Here he sold[br]contraceptives and..."

0:14:41.782,0:14:43.417
Discipline...

0:14:43.417,0:14:46.887
Naked...

0:14:46.887,0:15:08.208
With a melon?

0:15:08.208,0:15:10.177
<i>Benedictus benedicat</i>

0:15:10.177,0:15:11.411
<i>pereusum christum[br]dominum nostrum.</i>

0:15:11.411,0:15:14.047
<i>Benedictus benedicat...</i>

0:15:14.047,0:15:26.326
<i>pereusum christum[br]dominum nostrum.</i>

0:15:26.326,0:15:27.861
Hello again.

0:15:27.861,0:15:30.664
Now here's a little sketch[br]by two boys from London Town.

0:15:30.664,0:15:32.466
They've been writing[br]for three years-

0:15:32.466,0:15:34.501
and they've come up[br]with a little number.

0:15:34.501,0:15:38.405
Here it is, it's called[br]"Restaurant sketch."

0:15:38.405,0:15:39.064
It's nice here, isn't it?

0:15:39.064,0:15:40.874
Oh, very good restaurant.

0:15:40.874,0:15:41.975
Three stars, you know.

0:15:41.975,0:15:43.031
Really?

0:15:43.031,0:15:44.311
Good evening, sir.

0:15:44.311,0:15:45.512
Good evening, madam.

0:15:45.512,0:15:47.047
And may I say[br]what a pleasure it is-

0:15:47.047,0:15:48.315
to see you here again, sir.

0:15:48.315,0:15:49.383
Oh, thank you.

0:15:49.383,0:15:51.385
Well, there you are, dear.

0:15:51.385,0:15:52.092
Just have a look there.

0:15:52.092,0:15:53.987
Anything you like?

0:15:53.987,0:15:55.956
The boeuf en croute[br]is fantastic.

0:15:55.956,0:15:59.092
If I may suggest, sir,[br]the pheasant a la Reine--

0:15:59.092,0:16:02.563
The sauce is one of the chef's[br]most famous creations.

0:16:02.563,0:16:03.664
That sounds good.

0:16:03.664,0:16:04.932
Anyway, just have a look.

0:16:04.932,0:16:06.233
Take your time.

0:16:06.233,0:16:08.435
Oh, by the way, I've got[br]a bit of a dirty fork.

0:16:08.435,0:16:09.903
Could you get me another one?

0:16:09.903,0:16:11.138
I beg your pardon?

0:16:11.138,0:16:12.372
Well, it's nothing.

0:16:12.372,0:16:14.074
I've got a fork--[br]a little bit dirty--

0:16:14.074,0:16:15.375
Could you get me[br]another one?

0:16:15.375,0:16:16.376
Thank you.

0:16:16.376,0:16:17.578
Oh, sir, I do apologize!

0:16:17.578,0:16:19.058
Oh, no need to apologize,[br]doesn't worry me.

0:16:19.058,0:16:21.248
Oh, no, no, no,[br]I do apologize!

0:16:21.248,0:16:23.065
I will fetch the headwaiter[br]immediatement.

0:16:23.065,0:16:24.918
Oh, there's no need to do that.

0:16:24.918,0:16:26.072
Oh, no, no, I am sure[br]the headwaiter,

0:16:26.072,0:16:28.822
he will want to apologize[br]to you himself.

0:16:28.822,0:16:30.257
I will fetch him at once.

0:16:30.257,0:16:32.659
Well, you certainly get[br]good service here, don't you?

0:16:32.659,0:16:34.928
They really look[br]after you, yes.

0:16:34.928,0:16:37.865
Excuse me,[br]monsieur, madame.

0:16:37.865,0:16:39.132
It's filthy!

0:16:39.132,0:16:41.201
Gaston!-- find out[br]who washed these up-

0:16:41.201,0:16:43.303
and give them[br]their cards immediately!

0:16:43.303,0:16:44.037
Oh, no, no...

0:16:44.037,0:16:45.172
No, better still--

0:16:45.172,0:16:46.034
Can't afford to[br]take any chances--

0:16:46.034,0:16:47.641
Sack the entire[br]washing-up staff!

0:16:47.641,0:16:49.109
No, look, I don't want[br]to make any trouble.

0:16:49.109,0:16:50.511
Oh, no, please,[br]it's no trouble.

0:16:50.511,0:16:52.179
It's quite right[br]that you should point-

0:16:52.179,0:16:53.313
these kind of things out.

0:16:53.313,0:16:54.314
Gaston-- tell the manager-

0:16:54.314,0:16:55.582
what has happened immediately!

0:16:55.582,0:16:58.919
No, no, please, I don't[br]want to cause any fuss.

0:16:58.919,0:17:00.254
Please, it's no fuss.

0:17:00.254,0:17:03.223
We simply wish to ensure[br]that nothing interferes-

0:17:03.223,0:17:05.792
with your complete[br]en joyment of the meal.

0:17:05.792,0:17:06.793
I'm sure[br]it won't.

0:17:06.793,0:17:08.195
It was only[br]a dirty fork.

0:17:08.195,0:17:11.431
I know,[br]and I'm sorry!

0:17:11.431,0:17:13.007
Bitterly sorry!

0:17:13.007,0:17:16.937
But I know that[br]no apologies I can make-

0:17:16.937,0:17:20.374
can alter the fact[br]that in our restaurant

0:17:20.374,0:17:24.478
You have been given[br]a dirty, filthy...

0:17:24.478,0:17:25.812
smelly piece of cutlery!

0:17:25.812,0:17:26.914
It wasn't[br]smelly.

0:17:26.914,0:17:27.915
It was smelly!

0:17:27.915,0:17:29.416
And obscene[br]and disgusting!

0:17:29.416,0:17:30.817
And I hate it, I hate it!

0:17:30.817,0:17:32.252
I hate it!

0:17:32.252,0:17:36.019
Nasty, grubby, dirty,[br]mangy, scrubby little fork!

0:17:36.019,0:17:38.525
That will do,[br]Gilberto... Gilberto.

0:17:38.525,0:17:40.594
Good evening, sir,[br]good evening, madam.

0:17:40.594,0:17:41.595
I am the manager.

0:17:41.595,0:17:42.763
I've only just heard.

0:17:42.763,0:17:43.764
May I sit down?

0:17:43.764,0:17:47.301
Yes, of course.

0:17:47.301,0:17:49.369
I want to apologize-

0:17:49.369,0:17:54.141
humbly, deeply and sincerely[br]about the fork.

0:17:54.141,0:17:56.643
Oh, no, please,[br]it was only a tiny bit dirty.

0:17:56.643,0:17:58.512
Just... couldn't see it.

0:17:58.512,0:18:02.149
Oh, you're good, kind,[br]fine people for saying that,

0:18:02.149,0:18:03.045
but I can see it.

0:18:03.045,0:18:05.252
To me it's like a mountain...

0:18:05.252,0:18:07.654
A vast bowl of pus.

0:18:07.654,0:18:08.889
It's not as bad as that.

0:18:08.889,0:18:11.925
<i>It gets me here.</i>

0:18:11.925,0:18:15.229
I can't give you any excuses for it,[br]there are no excuses.

0:18:15.229,0:18:18.866
I've been meaning to spend more[br]time in the restaurant recently,

0:18:18.866,0:18:20.734
but I haven't been too well-

0:18:20.734,0:18:23.504
and things aren't[br]going very well back there.

0:18:23.504,0:18:26.273
The poor cook's son[br]has been put away again-

0:18:26.273,0:18:29.376
and poor old mrs. Dalrymple,[br]who does the washing up,

0:18:29.376,0:18:31.378
can hardly move her poor fingers-

0:18:31.378,0:18:34.181
and then there's[br]Gilberto's war wound.

0:18:34.181,0:18:38.285
But they're good people[br]and they're kind people.

0:18:38.285,0:18:41.955
Together we were beginning[br]to get over this dark patch.

0:18:41.955,0:18:45.459
There was light[br]at the end of the tunnel,

0:18:45.459,0:18:47.528
when this...

0:18:47.528,0:18:51.865
When this... happened!

0:18:51.865,0:18:53.734
Could I get you[br]some water?

0:18:53.734,0:19:01.141
It's the end[br]of the road!

0:19:01.141,0:19:04.678
You bastards!

0:19:04.678,0:19:10.517
You vicious, heartless bastards!

0:19:10.517,0:19:12.419
Look what you've done to him!

0:19:12.419,0:19:14.988
He's worked his fingers[br]to the bone-

0:19:14.988,0:19:17.191
to make this place what it is-

0:19:17.191,0:19:22.629
and you come in with[br]your petty, feeble quibbling-

0:19:22.629,0:19:27.968
and you grind him into the dirt!

0:19:27.968,0:19:30.017
This fine, honorable man,

0:19:30.017,0:19:35.776
whose boots[br]you are not worthy to kiss!

0:19:35.776,0:19:41.114
Oh, it makes me mad.

0:19:41.114,0:19:45.385
Mad!

0:19:45.385,0:19:46.386
Mad.

0:19:46.386,0:19:48.388
Easy, Mungo, easy.

0:19:48.388,0:19:49.389
Mad.

0:19:49.389,0:19:50.039
Mungo!

0:19:50.039,0:19:51.391
Oh, the war wound!

0:19:51.391,0:19:53.227
The wound,[br]the wound!

0:19:53.227,0:19:54.595
It's the end!

0:19:54.595,0:19:56.797
They've destroyed him!

0:19:56.797,0:19:59.007
The end!

0:19:59.007,0:20:01.602
He's dead!

0:20:01.602,0:20:04.137
They killed him!

0:20:04.137,0:20:06.034
Revenge!

0:20:06.034,0:20:07.808
Revenge!

0:20:07.808,0:20:09.209
No, Mungo!

0:20:09.209,0:20:11.144
Mungo!

0:20:11.144,0:20:14.214
Never kill a customer.

0:20:14.214,0:20:16.116
Oh, the wound,[br]the wound!

0:20:16.116,0:20:25.092
The wound again!

0:20:25.092,0:20:29.029
Lucky we didn't say anything[br]about the dirty knife.

0:20:29.029,0:20:30.664
Oh, no, come on, no!

0:20:30.664,0:20:32.165
No, no, no, no!

0:20:32.165,0:20:34.801
Well, there we are, then,[br]that was the restaurant sketch.

0:20:34.801,0:20:37.571
Nice little number, bit vicious[br]in parts, but a lot of fun.

0:20:37.571,0:20:39.306
But how about[br]that punch line?

0:20:39.306,0:20:40.674
Oh, you know what I mean?

0:20:40.674,0:20:50.317
Oh, really.

0:20:50.317,0:20:53.032
Tired of that drab,[br]boring life you lead?

0:20:53.032,0:20:56.323
Then purchase a past.

0:20:56.323,0:20:58.625
Yes, thousands[br]of people have led-

0:20:58.625,0:21:32.826
far more interesting lives[br]than you will ever lead.

0:21:32.826,0:21:35.762
They undoubtedly continue[br]to lead interesting lives,

0:21:35.762,0:21:41.335
whereas you[br]just as assuredly will not.

0:21:41.335,0:21:45.606
Bits of their lives are being[br]made available for purchase.

0:21:45.606,0:21:47.274
For only 15 shillings-

0:21:47.274,0:21:49.877
dullards like yourself[br]can obtain-

0:21:49.877,0:21:54.081
beautifully framed photographs[br]of other people's lives.

0:21:54.081,0:21:55.949
Hang them in your den.

0:21:55.949,0:22:00.487
Stand them on your desk[br]or next to your bed.

0:22:00.487,0:22:13.834
<i>Pretend they are pictures[br]from your past.</i>

0:22:13.834,0:22:15.369
Hello, I'm uncle Frank[br]and family.

0:22:15.369,0:22:17.704
Mind if we stay[br]a couple of nights?

0:22:17.704,0:22:18.839
Or a month?

0:22:18.839,0:22:20.004
Or three years?

0:22:20.004,0:22:21.808
Hello, we're uncle George[br]and Agnes.

0:22:21.808,0:22:24.311
Where's the bathroom?

0:22:24.311,0:22:26.028
Shut up!

0:22:26.028,0:22:28.682
Oh, shut up!

0:22:28.682,0:22:30.317
Oh, sorry.

0:22:30.317,0:23:36.817
Not good enough.

0:23:36.817,0:23:38.185
Good evening.

0:23:38.185,0:23:41.488
Here is the 6:00 news[br]read by Michael Queen.

0:23:41.488,0:23:44.224
It's been a quiet day[br]over most of the country,

0:23:44.224,0:23:46.193
as people went back to work-

0:23:46.193,0:23:50.497
after the warmest July weekend[br]for nearly a year.

0:23:50.497,0:23:52.966
The only high spot of the[br]weekend was the meeting-

0:23:52.966,0:23:55.536
between officials of the[br]N.E.D.C. and the O.D.C.N. -

0:23:55.536,0:23:57.671
in Bradford today.

0:23:57.671,0:24:13.754
Mr. Ted Johnson[br]of the N.E.D.C...

0:24:13.754,0:24:16.857
In Geneva, officials[br]of the Central Clearing Banks-

0:24:16.857,0:24:19.026
met with herr Voleschtadt[br]of Poland,

0:24:19.026,0:24:22.529
to discuss non-returnable loans[br]on a 12-year trust basis-

0:24:22.529,0:24:26.133
for the construction[br]of a new zinc-treating works-

0:24:26.133,0:24:31.071
in the Omsk area of Krakow,[br]near the Bulestan border.

0:24:31.071,0:24:35.209
The board of trade has ratified[br]a trade agreement-

0:24:35.209,0:24:37.001
with the Soviet Union,

0:24:37.001,0:24:41.615
for the sale of 600 low-gear[br]electric sewing machines.

0:24:41.615,0:24:45.285
The president of the board[br]of trade said he hoped-

0:24:45.285,0:24:49.323
this would mark a new era[br]of expansion in world trade-

0:24:49.323,0:24:55.896
and a new spirit of cooperation[br]between east and west.

0:24:55.896,0:24:59.433
There has been a substantial[br]drop in gold reserves-

0:24:59.433,0:25:01.268
during the last 12 months.

0:25:01.268,0:25:03.604
This follows a statement[br]by the treasury-

0:25:03.604,0:25:07.207
to the effect that the balance[br]of imports situation-

0:25:07.207,0:25:12.079
had not changed dramatically[br]over the same period.

0:25:12.079,0:25:15.148
Still no news of[br]the national savings book,

0:25:15.148,0:25:18.285
lost by mr. Charles Griffiths[br]of Porthcawl,

0:25:18.285,0:25:20.187
during a field expedition-

0:25:20.187,0:25:23.049
to the nature reserves[br]of Swansea last July.

0:25:23.049,0:25:25.058
Mr. Griffiths' wife said-

0:25:25.058,0:25:28.262
that her husband was refusing[br]to talk to the press-

0:25:28.262,0:25:33.001
until the savings certificate[br]had been found.

0:25:33.001,0:25:36.077
In Cornwall, the death[br]has been announced today-

0:25:36.077,0:25:39.094
of the former minister[br]without portfolio,

0:25:39.094,0:25:42.576
General sir Hugh Marksby-Smith.

0:25:42.576,0:25:47.014
Sir Hugh was vice-president[br]of the Rotarian movement.

0:25:47.014,0:25:49.883
In the match between Glamorgan[br]and Yorkshire,

0:25:49.883,0:25:52.753
The Yorkshire bowler Nicholson[br]took eight wickets-

0:25:52.753,0:25:53.754
for three runs.

0:25:53.754,0:25:55.789
Glamorgan were all out for 36

0:25:55.789,0:25:59.826
And therefore won the match[br]by an innings and seven runs.

0:25:59.826,0:26:01.828
Weather for tomorrow[br]will be cloudy-

0:26:01.828,0:26:03.764
with occasional outbreaks[br]of rain.

0:26:03.764,0:26:16.577
That is the end of the...

0:26:16.577,0:26:36.396
The larch.

0:26:36.396,0:26:42.069
The horse chestnut.

0:26:42.069,0:26:43.837
Eric, do you think

0:26:43.837,0:26:52.346
You could recognize[br]a larch tree?

0:26:52.346,0:26:55.582
I don't know.

0:26:55.582,0:26:57.017
What's your name?

0:26:57.017,0:27:00.042
Michael.

0:27:00.042,0:27:02.089
Michael, do you[br]think you know-

0:27:02.089,0:27:07.528
what a larch tree[br]looks like?

0:27:07.528,0:27:11.832
I want to go home.

0:27:11.832,0:27:14.868
Bottom.

0:27:14.868,0:27:16.603
Are there[br]any other trees-

0:27:16.603,0:27:19.054
that any of you think[br]you could recognize-

0:27:19.054,0:27:21.441
from quite[br]a long way away?

0:27:21.441,0:27:26.013
I want... sketch[br]of Eric's, please.

0:27:26.013,0:27:27.008
What?

0:27:27.008,0:27:28.916
I want to see[br]a sketch of Eric's--

0:27:28.916,0:27:29.917
"Nudge, nudge."

0:27:29.917,0:27:30.918
A what? Sketch?

0:27:30.918,0:27:32.019
Eric's written a...

0:27:32.019,0:27:36.089
I've written a sketch.

0:27:36.089,0:27:37.991
"Nudge, nudge,"[br]Eric's written.

0:27:37.991,0:27:38.992
"Nudge, nudge."

0:27:38.992,0:27:43.003
"Nudge, nudge."

0:27:43.003,0:27:44.498
Is your wife a goer?

0:27:44.498,0:27:46.003
Know what I mean,[br]know what I mean?

0:27:46.003,0:27:47.701
Nudge, nudge,[br]nudge, nudge.

0:27:47.701,0:27:48.702
Know what I mean?

0:27:48.702,0:27:50.237
Say no more,[br]know what I mean?

0:27:50.237,0:27:51.238
I beg your pardon?

0:27:51.238,0:27:52.472
Your wife...[br]does she...

0:27:52.472,0:27:53.054
Does she go...?

0:27:53.054,0:27:55.142
Know what I mean,[br]know what I mean?

0:27:55.142,0:27:56.031
Nudge, nudge,[br]say no more?

0:27:56.031,0:27:57.477
Well, she[br]sometimes goes, yes.

0:27:57.477,0:27:58.946
I'll bet she does,[br]I'll bet she does.

0:27:58.946,0:28:00.013
I'll bet she does.

0:28:00.013,0:28:01.548
Know what I mean,[br]know what I mean?

0:28:01.548,0:28:02.549
Nudge, nudge?

0:28:02.549,0:28:03.055
I'm sorry--

0:28:03.055,0:28:04.785
I don't quite follow you.

0:28:04.785,0:28:05.853
Follow me, follow me!

0:28:05.853,0:28:07.154
I like that, that's good.

0:28:07.154,0:28:09.423
A nod's as good as[br]a wink to a blind bat?

0:28:09.423,0:28:10.991
Are you trying[br]to sell something?

0:28:10.991,0:28:14.228
Selling, selling,[br]very good, very good.

0:28:14.228,0:28:15.863
Oh, wicked, wicked,[br]you're wicked?

0:28:15.863,0:28:17.397
Know what I mean,[br]know what I mean?

0:28:17.397,0:28:18.398
Nudge, nudge?

0:28:18.398,0:28:19.933
Know what I mean,[br]nudge, nudge?

0:28:19.933,0:28:21.034
Nudge, nudge?

0:28:21.034,0:28:25.739
Say no more!

0:28:25.739,0:28:28.075
Your wife, is she...

0:28:28.075,0:28:29.877
Is she a sport?

0:28:29.877,0:28:31.378
Well, yes, she[br]likes sport, yes.

0:28:31.378,0:28:33.146
I'll bet she does,[br]I'll bet she does.

0:28:33.146,0:28:34.381
She's very fond of cricket

0:28:34.381,0:28:35.382
As a matter of fact.

0:28:35.382,0:28:36.383
Who isn't?

0:28:36.383,0:28:37.384
Know what I mean?

0:28:37.384,0:28:38.919
Likes games,[br]likes games?

0:28:38.919,0:28:41.788
Knew she would, knew she would,[br]knew she would.

0:28:41.788,0:28:43.991
She's been around?[br]Been around.

0:28:43.991,0:28:44.992
She's traveled.

0:28:44.992,0:28:46.159
She's from Purley.

0:28:46.159,0:28:48.228
Oh, oh, say no more,[br]say no more!

0:28:48.228,0:28:49.053
Say no more, Purley!

0:28:49.053,0:28:51.098
Say no more, Purley?

0:28:51.098,0:28:53.003
Know what I mean,[br]know what I mean?

0:28:53.003,0:28:54.301
Say no more.

0:28:54.301,0:28:57.604
Your wife interested in...

0:28:57.604,0:28:58.772
Photographs?

0:28:58.772,0:29:00.007
Know what I mean?

0:29:00.007,0:29:02.709
"Photographs?"[br]he asked him knowingly.

0:29:02.709,0:29:03.071
Photography?

0:29:03.071,0:29:05.679
Yes, nudge, nudge,[br]snap, snap,

0:29:05.679,0:29:07.214
grin, grin, wink, wink.

0:29:07.214,0:29:08.081
Say no more.

0:29:08.081,0:29:09.149
Holiday snaps?

0:29:09.149,0:29:10.751
Could be, could be[br]taken on a holiday,

0:29:10.751,0:29:11.885
could be, yes.

0:29:11.885,0:29:13.072
Swimming costumes,[br]you know what I mean?

0:29:13.072,0:29:15.622
Candid photography,[br]you know what I mean?

0:29:15.622,0:29:16.623
Nudge, nudge.

0:29:16.623,0:29:19.056
No, no, we don't[br]have a camera.

0:29:19.056,0:29:26.533
Still...

0:29:26.533,0:29:30.504
Look, are you[br]insinuating something?

0:29:30.504,0:29:31.505
Yes.

0:29:31.505,0:29:32.506
Well?

0:29:32.506,0:29:33.807
Well, I mean you are-

0:29:33.807,0:29:35.809
a man of the world,[br]aren't you?

0:29:35.809,0:29:38.445
I mean, you've been[br]there, haven't you?

0:29:38.445,0:29:40.547
I mean, you've[br]been around?

0:29:40.547,0:29:42.216
What do you mean?

0:29:42.216,0:29:45.452
Well, I mean, like[br]you've done it.

0:29:45.452,0:29:49.059
I mean, you know,[br]you've slept with a lady.

0:29:49.059,0:29:50.591
Yes.

0:29:50.591,0:30:31.865
What's it like?

0:30:31.865,9:59:59.000
The larch.