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In real life, snakes are… honestly
fine. Lil slithery, kinda hard to read,
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but broadly inoffensive. But there’s something
about ‘em that just tickles the imagination,
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you know? You can’t walk five feet these
days without tripping over a mythological
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snake with crazy anomalous properties. Maybe
they’re the feathery forefather of humanity,
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or a many-colored harbinger of rain, or an
eldritch abomination aiming to devour the sun,
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or any number of other slithery bois wending their
coils through human mythohistory. Something about
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their sleek design just speaks to us, you know?
But while mythical snakes span the whole moral
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spectrum, if there’s one title that just
screams “evil” it’s “serpent king.” Nobody
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good has ever held the title serpent king,
and if you want proof, let’s go back about a
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thousand years to the opening chapter of the
famous Persian epic The Shahnameh. Written
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by the poet Ferdowsi between 977 and 1010 CE,
the Shahnameh, literally “the epic of kings,”
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is the national epic of Greater Iran and a
very, very important piece of literature.
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It’s also long as balls, but conveniently
subdivides into a lot of smaller stories
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for easier consumption. Here’s one of them!
So the story begins with a quick rundown on
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some ancient mythical kings and all the cool stuff
they did, mostly important civilization-things
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like inventing clothes and fire and irrigation
- you know, basic stuff like that. This line
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of kings does pretty well for itself until it
produces Jamshid (جمشید), who does really well
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for himself - so well, in fact, that he decides
he’s basically god and starts having people
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worship him. This is generally considered to be
unwise, and has some unintended consequences.
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See, in Zoroastrianism, to put it very simply, the
earth is basically a constant battleground between
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the forces of good and evil. Specifically, it’s a
proxy war between the beings Ahura Mazda, creator
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deity and ultimate good guy, and Angra Mainyu,
later called Ahriman, the source of all evil and
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creator of various evil spirits called Daevas -
not to be confused with the Devas in Hinduism,
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very different concept. In this model it’s the
duty of humanity to do good and bring happiness
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because it bolsters the forces of good and helps
in the cosmic battle against Ahriman. In contrast,
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doing bad stuff tips the scales the other way, and
empowers Ahriman to do more bad stuff. Now by the
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time the Shahnameh was written at the turn of the
11th century, the dominant religion in Persia was
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Islam, which had locally overtaken Zoroastrianism
a few centuries earlier. So the poet Ferdowsi
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was writing from an interesting position: the
ancestral Iranian religion of Zoroastrianism
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was no longer widely practiced and some of that
culture was in danger of being erased. So similar
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to how the Prose Edda frames the Norse gods as
something old and distant, the Shahnameh is framed
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mythologically while still actively preserving
these ancient and culturally significant stories.
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But anyway, long story short, Jamshid does a big
no-no and in the process tips the local cosmic
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balance towards evil. Ahriman gets a nice little
power boost and starts sniffin’ around to cause
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some mischief. So he zips out into the desert
to the kingdom of Thasis, ruled by the wise
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and just king Mirtas. Now Mirtas has a beloved
son, Zahak (ضحّاک), and Ahriman rolls up to the
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palace disguised as a nobleman and tells Zahak he
should enter a covenant with him, and if he does,
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he’ll raise his head above the sun. Now Zahak
is a nice boy, maybe a little bit gullible,
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so he thinks, willickers, mister, that sounds
pretty nifty! and agrees! Step one? Kill your
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dad. Zahak doesn’t really wanna do that, but, eh,
a deal’s a deal, so he and Ahriman set a trap for
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Mirtas and kill him. Now Zahak is the king of
Thasis! Nice! Ahriman teaches him some nifty
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magic and encourages him to be evil, but Zahak’s
not all bad. He’s not a great king, but, you know,
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he’s trying his best. So Ahriman changes tactics
and zips round the back to change out his groucho
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glasses and enters the palace in a different
disguise - this time a young man who offers to
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be a cook. Zahak doesn’t see the harm in it and
agrees, and Ahriman wastes no time in whipping up
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a meal fit for a king - specifically, he changes
the formerly vegetarian menu to include meat,
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and Zahak is so impressed by this dietary shift
that he has the cook summoned before him so he
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can grant him a boon, and Ahriman asks only that
he be allowed to kiss the king’s shoulders. Well,
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we don’t kinkshame in this palace! Zahak
agrees, and he probably shouldn’t have,
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because after the deed is done, Ahriman is
swallowed up by the earth and two venomous
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snakes sprout from Zahak’s shoulders. Fun times!
Well Zahak obviously wants these snakeshoulders
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out of his life, but they can’t find any way to
get rid of them. Enter Ahriman Version Three,
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this time disguised as a learned scholar,
who tells Zahak that the only way to tame
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a case of the ol’ snakeshoulders is
to feed those bad boys human brains.
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Now obviously having a king with snakeshoulders
who eats human brains is not so good for the
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kingdom. Word begins to spread about
this absolutely terrifying snake king,
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which is actually good news for the people back
in Persia who’ve been dealing with their own evil
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king for a good few centuries now. Rebel forces
congregate in Thasis and declare Zahak the new
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Shah, and an army musters to march against
Jamshid, who sees the writing on the wall
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and books it. He manages to evade capture for a
good hundred years or so before they eventually
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catch him and saw him in half. Tough break, buddy.
So now Zahak the Serpent-King, or as I’ve taken
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to calling him, Johnny Snakeshoulders, is the
Shah of Persia, which is great if the goal is
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making the world an exponentially sh*ttier place
to live. Eventually things get so bad that Ahura
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Mazda sits up and takes notice, and sets a plan in
motion to get things back on track. Jamshid’s got
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a few surviving descendants rattling around,
and thanks to a little divine intervention,
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one of them has a son named Feridoun. Not so
coincidentally, that night Zahak has a terrible
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nightmare where a young man kills him with a
mace shaped like a cow head. He wakes up and
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demands an explanation from his advisers,
who reluctantly inform him that it sounds
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like there’s a prophecy that he’s going to be
overthrown and destroyed by a man named Feridoun.
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Well, you know how these evil king types get
about prophecies. Zahak immediately starts
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scouring the land for Feridoun. Feridoun’s mother
catches wind of this and hides him in a forest,
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where he’s raised by a magic cow called Purmaieh.
Unfortunately after a few years the forest isn’t
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safe anymore, so she comes back to collect him
him and heads off to an isolated mountain peak
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where a hermit can take care of him instead - and
just in time, too, since Zahak finds the forest,
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learns that Feridoun is gone, and gets so angry
that he kills Purmaieh and everything else in
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the forest, turning it into a barren desert.
Zahak continues to strengthen his army and
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search for Feridoun, but that doesn’t do
his confidence any favors, and he starts to
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worry he might be a bad king. Nooooo. Whaaaat?
Nooooo. SO naturally he demands his citizens
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reassure him that he’s actually a good king
doing a really good job. Obviously they do
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what he says, because snakeshoulders,
but dissent is beginning to spread.
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This comes to a head one day when a blacksmith
named Kavah marches straight into the palace and
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demands an audience. Kavah’s had seventeen sons,
see, but sixteen of them have been sacrificed to
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the king’s snakeshoulder situation, and now his
last son has been chosen to die too. He demands
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that Zahak spare his last son, and Zahak actually
agrees! Then he asks Kavah if he'll sign this
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official paperwork stating that Zahak is a good
king actually, to which Kavah responds by ripping
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the paperwork into confetti and striding out of
the palace while everyone is too stunned to stop
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him. He heads straight for the city square, tears
off his blacksmith apron, uses it as a banner to
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rally the people in rebellion and leads an army
out of the city to go find the prophecied hero
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who’ll deliver them from the serpent king.
Give me this movie, hollywood! You cowards!
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Meanwhile, Feridoun has grown into a responsible
and wise young man, returned home to his mother
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and learned of his royal lineage and
his destiny to destroy the Serpent King.
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He’s ready to fulfill his destiny and is,
frankly, getting kind of impatient waiting,
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cuz he wants to kill the evil king now but his mom
says it’s not safe to go alone so he’s gonna have
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to wait. This is around the time the massive army
of rebels rolls up on their front lawn to ask if
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Feridoun can come out and play. Now that they’ve
got the manpower and the prophecy on their side,
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Feridoun gears up in some kingly armor and
has the rebels forge him a mace - and in
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honor of his old nursemaid, the business
end of the mace is shaped like a cow head.
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Oh yeah. It's all coming together.
So they march to the city,
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finding it… actually mostly undefended,
since coincidentally Zahak is out with
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his army looking for Feridoun. The people rally
behind them and they invade the palace, defeating
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the daevas Zahak left to guard the place and
setting Feridoun on the throne as the new Shah.
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Now Zahak is none too pleased about this when
he returns. He and his army besiege the city
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and there’s a very dramatic battle - which
our heroes win! Feridoun whacks Zahak with
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his mace and is just about to kill him when he’s
stopped by Sraosha, a servant of Ahura Mazda,
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who tells him to imprison Zahak on Mount
Damavand instead. Feridoun follows his
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advice and binds Zahak under the mountain for all
time. And so thanks to a prophecied true king,
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a charismatic rebel leader and a battle scene so
ridiculous I literally can’t believe they haven’t
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made this trope goldmine a movie yet, so ends
the tumultuous tale of Johnny Snakeshoulders!
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[You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring]