[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.05,0:00:03.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In real life, snakes are… honestly \Nfine. Lil slithery, kinda hard to read,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.52,0:00:06.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but broadly inoffensive. But there’s something \Nabout ‘em that just tickles the imagination,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.96,0:00:09.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know? You can’t walk five feet these \Ndays without tripping over a mythological
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.68,0:00:13.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,snake with crazy anomalous properties. Maybe \Nthey’re the feathery forefather of humanity,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.36,0:00:16.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or a many-colored harbinger of rain, or an \Neldritch abomination aiming to devour the sun,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.88,0:00:20.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or any number of other slithery bois wending their \Ncoils through human mythohistory. Something about
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.56,0:00:24.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,their sleek design just speaks to us, you know?\NBut while mythical snakes span the whole moral
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.40,0:00:29.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,spectrum, if there’s one title that just \Nscreams “evil” it’s “serpent king.” Nobody
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.12,0:00:32.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,good has ever held the title serpent king, \Nand if you want proof, let’s go back about a
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.88,0:00:36.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,thousand years to the opening chapter of the \Nfamous Persian epic The Shahnameh. Written
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.24,0:00:41.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by the poet Ferdowsi between 977 and 1010 CE, \Nthe Shahnameh, literally “the epic of kings,”
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.12,0:00:44.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the national epic of Greater Iran and a \Nvery, very important piece of literature.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.80,0:00:48.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It’s also long as balls, but conveniently \Nsubdivides into a lot of smaller stories
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.16,0:00:51.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for easier consumption. Here’s one of them!\NSo the story begins with a quick rundown on
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.60,0:00:55.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some ancient mythical kings and all the cool stuff \Nthey did, mostly important civilization-things
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.36,0:00:59.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like inventing clothes and fire and irrigation \N- you know, basic stuff like that. This line
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.20,0:01:02.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of kings does pretty well for itself until it \Nproduces Jamshid (جمشید), who does really well
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.56,0:01:06.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for himself - so well, in fact, that he decides \Nhe’s basically god and starts having people
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.56,0:01:10.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,worship him. This is generally considered to be \Nunwise, and has some unintended consequences.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.40,0:01:15.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See, in Zoroastrianism, to put it very simply, the \Nearth is basically a constant battleground between
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.20,0:01:19.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the forces of good and evil. Specifically, it’s a \Nproxy war between the beings Ahura Mazda, creator
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.76,0:01:23.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,deity and ultimate good guy, and Angra Mainyu, \Nlater called Ahriman, the source of all evil and
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.84,0:01:27.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,creator of various evil spirits called Daevas - \Nnot to be confused with the Devas in Hinduism,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.84,0:01:32.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very different concept. In this model it’s the \Nduty of humanity to do good and bring happiness
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.00,0:01:36.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it bolsters the forces of good and helps \Nin the cosmic battle against Ahriman. In contrast,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.00,0:01:40.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,doing bad stuff tips the scales the other way, and \Nempowers Ahriman to do more bad stuff. Now by the
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.08,0:01:43.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,time the Shahnameh was written at the turn of the \N11th century, the dominant religion in Persia was
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.68,0:01:48.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Islam, which had locally overtaken Zoroastrianism \Na few centuries earlier. So the poet Ferdowsi
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.08,0:01:51.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was writing from an interesting position: the \Nancestral Iranian religion of Zoroastrianism
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.84,0:01:55.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was no longer widely practiced and some of that \Nculture was in danger of being erased. So similar
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.84,0:01:59.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to how the Prose Edda frames the Norse gods as \Nsomething old and distant, the Shahnameh is framed
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.92,0:02:03.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,mythologically while still actively preserving \Nthese ancient and culturally significant stories.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.92,0:02:07.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But anyway, long story short, Jamshid does a big \Nno-no and in the process tips the local cosmic
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.84,0:02:11.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,balance towards evil. Ahriman gets a nice little \Npower boost and starts sniffin’ around to cause
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.68,0:02:15.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some mischief. So he zips out into the desert \Nto the kingdom of Thasis, ruled by the wise
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.36,0:02:19.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and just king Mirtas. Now Mirtas has a beloved \Nson, Zahak (ضحّاک), and Ahriman rolls up to the
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.44,0:02:23.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,palace disguised as a nobleman and tells Zahak he \Nshould enter a covenant with him, and if he does,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.12,0:02:26.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he’ll raise his head above the sun. Now Zahak \Nis a nice boy, maybe a little bit gullible,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.88,0:02:31.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so he thinks, willickers, mister, that sounds \Npretty nifty! and agrees! Step one? Kill your
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.12,0:02:35.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,dad. Zahak doesn’t really wanna do that, but, eh, \Na deal’s a deal, so he and Ahriman set a trap for
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.20,0:02:39.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mirtas and kill him. Now Zahak is the king of \NThasis! Nice! Ahriman teaches him some nifty
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.12,0:02:43.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,magic and encourages him to be evil, but Zahak’s \Nnot all bad. He’s not a great king, but, you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.28,0:02:47.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he’s trying his best. So Ahriman changes tactics \Nand zips round the back to change out his groucho
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.20,0:02:50.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,glasses and enters the palace in a different \Ndisguise - this time a young man who offers to
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.80,0:02:54.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be a cook. Zahak doesn’t see the harm in it and \Nagrees, and Ahriman wastes no time in whipping up
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.72,0:02:58.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a meal fit for a king - specifically, he changes \Nthe formerly vegetarian menu to include meat,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.88,0:03:02.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Zahak is so impressed by this dietary shift \Nthat he has the cook summoned before him so he
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.32,0:03:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can grant him a boon, and Ahriman asks only that \Nhe be allowed to kiss the king’s shoulders. Well,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.00,0:03:09.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we don’t kinkshame in this palace! Zahak \Nagrees, and he probably shouldn’t have,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.52,0:03:12.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because after the deed is done, Ahriman is \Nswallowed up by the earth and two venomous
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.72,0:03:17.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,snakes sprout from Zahak’s shoulders. Fun times!\NWell Zahak obviously wants these snakeshoulders
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.12,0:03:20.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out of his life, but they can’t find any way to \Nget rid of them. Enter Ahriman Version Three,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.64,0:03:23.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this time disguised as a learned scholar, \Nwho tells Zahak that the only way to tame
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.68,0:03:27.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a case of the ol’ snakeshoulders is \Nto feed those bad boys human brains.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.20,0:03:31.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now obviously having a king with snakeshoulders \Nwho eats human brains is not so good for the
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.44,0:03:34.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,kingdom. Word begins to spread about \Nthis absolutely terrifying snake king,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.64,0:03:38.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is actually good news for the people back \Nin Persia who’ve been dealing with their own evil
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.32,0:03:42.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,king for a good few centuries now. Rebel forces \Ncongregate in Thasis and declare Zahak the new
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.32,0:03:45.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shah, and an army musters to march against \NJamshid, who sees the writing on the wall
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.60,0:03:49.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and books it. He manages to evade capture for a \Ngood hundred years or so before they eventually
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.12,0:03:53.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,catch him and saw him in half. Tough break, buddy.\NSo now Zahak the Serpent-King, or as I’ve taken
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.20,0:03:56.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to calling him, Johnny Snakeshoulders, is the \NShah of Persia, which is great if the goal is
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.80,0:04:00.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,making the world an exponentially sh*ttier place \Nto live. Eventually things get so bad that Ahura
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.56,0:04:04.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mazda sits up and takes notice, and sets a plan in \Nmotion to get things back on track. Jamshid’s got
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.72,0:04:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a few surviving descendants rattling around, \Nand thanks to a little divine intervention,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.00,0:04:12.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one of them has a son named Feridoun. Not so \Ncoincidentally, that night Zahak has a terrible
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.32,0:04:16.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,nightmare where a young man kills him with a \Nmace shaped like a cow head. He wakes up and
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.00,0:04:19.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,demands an explanation from his advisers, \Nwho reluctantly inform him that it sounds
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.12,0:04:22.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like there’s a prophecy that he’s going to be \Noverthrown and destroyed by a man named Feridoun.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.64,0:04:25.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, you know how these evil king types get \Nabout prophecies. Zahak immediately starts
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.84,0:04:29.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,scouring the land for Feridoun. Feridoun’s mother \Ncatches wind of this and hides him in a forest,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.52,0:04:33.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where he’s raised by a magic cow called Purmaieh. \NUnfortunately after a few years the forest isn’t
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.60,0:04:36.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,safe anymore, so she comes back to collect him \Nhim and heads off to an isolated mountain peak
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.80,0:04:40.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where a hermit can take care of him instead - and \Njust in time, too, since Zahak finds the forest,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.48,0:04:44.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,learns that Feridoun is gone, and gets so angry \Nthat he kills Purmaieh and everything else in
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.00,0:04:47.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the forest, turning it into a barren desert.\NZahak continues to strengthen his army and
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.20,0:04:50.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,search for Feridoun, but that doesn’t do \Nhis confidence any favors, and he starts to
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.56,0:04:57.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,worry he might be a bad king. Nooooo. Whaaaat? \NNooooo. SO naturally he demands his citizens
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.12,0:05:00.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,reassure him that he’s actually a good king \Ndoing a really good job. Obviously they do
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.88,0:05:03.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what he says, because snakeshoulders, \Nbut dissent is beginning to spread.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.44,0:05:06.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This comes to a head one day when a blacksmith \Nnamed Kavah marches straight into the palace and
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.96,0:05:11.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,demands an audience. Kavah’s had seventeen sons, \Nsee, but sixteen of them have been sacrificed to
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.20,0:05:15.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the king’s snakeshoulder situation, and now his \Nlast son has been chosen to die too. He demands
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.28,0:05:19.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that Zahak spare his last son, and Zahak actually \Nagrees! Then he asks Kavah if he'll sign this
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.52,0:05:23.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,official paperwork stating that Zahak is a good \Nking actually, to which Kavah responds by ripping
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.44,0:05:26.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the paperwork into confetti and striding out of \Nthe palace while everyone is too stunned to stop
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.88,0:05:30.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,him. He heads straight for the city square, tears \Noff his blacksmith apron, uses it as a banner to
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.72,0:05:34.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rally the people in rebellion and leads an army \Nout of the city to go find the prophecied hero
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.48,0:05:39.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who’ll deliver them from the serpent king. \NGive me this movie, hollywood! You cowards!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.20,0:05:43.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Meanwhile, Feridoun has grown into a responsible \Nand wise young man, returned home to his mother
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.12,0:05:45.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and learned of his royal lineage and \Nhis destiny to destroy the Serpent King.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.92,0:05:48.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He’s ready to fulfill his destiny and is, \Nfrankly, getting kind of impatient waiting,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.96,0:05:53.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,cuz he wants to kill the evil king now but his mom \Nsays it’s not safe to go alone so he’s gonna have
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.04,0:05:56.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to wait. This is around the time the massive army \Nof rebels rolls up on their front lawn to ask if
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.56,0:06:00.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Feridoun can come out and play. Now that they’ve \Ngot the manpower and the prophecy on their side,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.24,0:06:03.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Feridoun gears up in some kingly armor and \Nhas the rebels forge him a mace - and in
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.60,0:06:06.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,honor of his old nursemaid, the business \Nend of the mace is shaped like a cow head.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.80,0:06:09.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh yeah. It's all coming together.\NSo they march to the city,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.36,0:06:12.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,finding it… actually mostly undefended, \Nsince coincidentally Zahak is out with
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.80,0:06:16.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,his army looking for Feridoun. The people rally \Nbehind them and they invade the palace, defeating
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.40,0:06:20.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the daevas Zahak left to guard the place and \Nsetting Feridoun on the throne as the new Shah.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.08,0:06:23.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now Zahak is none too pleased about this when \Nhe returns. He and his army besiege the city
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.76,0:06:27.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there’s a very dramatic battle - which \Nour heroes win! Feridoun whacks Zahak with
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.04,0:06:30.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,his mace and is just about to kill him when he’s \Nstopped by Sraosha, a servant of Ahura Mazda,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.64,0:06:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who tells him to imprison Zahak on Mount \NDamavand instead. Feridoun follows his
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.00,0:06:38.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,advice and binds Zahak under the mountain for all \Ntime. And so thanks to a prophecied true king,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.08,0:06:42.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a charismatic rebel leader and a battle scene so \Nridiculous I literally can’t believe they haven’t
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.08,0:06:47.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,made this trope goldmine a movie yet, so ends \Nthe tumultuous tale of Johnny Snakeshoulders!
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.92,0:06:57.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring]