Особенности национальной рыбалки (фильм)

Компания старых приятелей, достойно выдержавших испытание национальной охотой, вновь собирается вместе — на сей раз для того, чтобы культурно отдохнуть под видом рыбной ловли. В разгар веселья друзья узнают, что, сами того не ведая, пересекли государственную границу и отдыхают уже в Финляндии.

После поспешного возвращения выясняется, что по ту сторону Финского залива осталось очень много водки. Так что хочешь — не хочешь, а придется возвращаться...

STV Film company

in co-production with
Nicola Film

present

Alexei BULDAKOV

Victor BYCHKOV

Semyon STRUGACHEV

Serghei RUSSKIN

Serghei GUSINSKY

- So what's up with our "Eagle"?
- Most likely he's drinking vodka.

Under a roof in a warm company.

But that was you
who asked him to stay by.

"Eagle"!

In such a weather a good master
won't let his dog out.

That's right, a dog.

"Eagle"! Respond to Semyonov.

in the film

PECULIARITIES OF NATIONAL FISHING

Hello, Mikhalych, is it you?
Mikhalych, give me a hand, l've broken down.

Gotcha. We're on our way.

O.K. I'm getting ready.

Stop!
Come on! Come here!

- Give me the end! Come on!
Why do you dawdling? - Here, that's it.

Alright! Come on!

Mikhalych, I'm ready.
You just pull off gently from the place.

l can't hear a thing.
We'll get you there, don't worry!

Hell of a weather.
Great for fishing!

You should take the stuff out of the back
for I can't see a thing.

That's OK. Let's go.
We're already late as it is.

l don't get it.

What's going on?

l don't get it.

Mikhalych!
Who is it that you are towing?

You're not towing me!

l can't hear a thing!
Are you standing still?

- He says he's standing still.
- We're on the move, alright.

So if he wants
we can go a little faster.

What cow?

Eagle, has the general gone by?

We don't understand - what cow?

Oh, I got him. The general is bringing you
a cow as a present.

- What do l need a cow for?
- You haven't got yours back yet.

I'd rather had an ostrich or a monkey.

Keeping exotic animals
are more fashionable now.

Here is our Constable Kiryukhin
has got himself a koala bear.

Now he is planting eucalyptus trees
for his koala on the plot of land.

They - Koalas - love
eucalyptus leaves badly.

Of course, Kiryukhin tried to soak

our domestic birch tree leaves
in eucalyptus liqueur,

but the koala
wouldn't have any of it.

Yes, Russia still got a hundred
years' worth of idiots

up its sleeve, thank God.

They are coming. And with a cow, for real.
I thought, I heard wrong.

- Hi.
- Welcome.

- Mikhalych.
- Hi, Kuzmich.

So how is it here?

lt's O.K. A bream has gone
but there's plenty of carps and salmons!

Good day, General!

- You didn't need to bring it here.
- We couldn't leave it on the road.

- I grudge leaving it 'cause it's a good one.
What is her name? - Ford.

Original. That's what we called
our Sergeant Vasilyuk.

He wore black shirts
'cause he truly believed

they need laundry less often.

Unbelievable mysticism.

l thought something was
dragging me out on the corners.

Where's Serghei? Huh?

Where's our car?
Where's our Ford?

You animal!
What are you doing here?

Watch it! They're handy with those hooves.
She can kick you, Lyova.

She covered about
20 kilometres after us.

She already won't have
the strength to kick us. Probably.

Oh! They've brought Serghei!

Serghei!

Was it you who's got the ropes mixed up
when tying the safety equipment?

What are you talking about, Serghei? What you
gave me I mixed up, indeed!

Really? lt was raining so hard, I couldn't
see anything tied there, at the end.

You were hurrying me: 'Come on! Hurry up!'
So I caught the cow rope.

The new Prosecutor's arrived.
He is a very strict person.

- ... If not for the police, hell
knows ... - What gave you I mixed up!

- You tied up your own end!
- Of course l did! You saw the rain!

- Hello, Kuzmich.
- So, Semyonov, follow me!

It's all your fault.

What's my fault?

Stop arguing, set the table.
I feel like it's time for it.

OK, let's drink to Sense!

In what sense?

In the sense "Long Live Sense,
no way to offence!"

That cow has set a speed
record as we can say.

The general's car
was going at least 50.

It's a pity we can't
register it with Guinness.

I mean, it was documented.

But we have destroyed the protocol
on mutual agreement.

Otherwise we would have got
to the Guinness book of records.

We'll draw up a new protocol
for the Guinness book of records.

I have one case with a suspect
who has PhD in biology.

He will be the witness.

It's time for our region
to become world-wide known,

to defend the honor
of the Motherland.

- Prosecutor! What's up?
- I've just remembered the Snivels.

What snivels?

My village lies between two rivers:
The Big Snivel and the Little Snivel.

- So...
- Mikhalych, it's not quite right.

Of course, l see.
So, to the Motherland!

I see...

Two vodkas and some sturgeon.

Yes, the prosecutor
is not one of us!

You drink too much!
Such a bore!

We shouldn't have taken him
fishing, he'll ruin all the holiday.

He says: 'At your lodge the wonders
happen. All the amenities,

the standards and service
that never be at any fashionable resorts!'

Service, my foot!
What self-indulgence!

ln fact, I had a nice
building business.

l've built a verandah
in a classic oriental style,

with a special place for
observing and relishing the moon.

Kuzmich, they were building those verandahs
at the end of the Heian period,

It was a new architectural style

named shinden-zukuri.

- What?
- Shinden-zukuri.

Which was based on interest
in the inner corners of man.

l don't know about them, but for me
watching the moon is emotional.

A total escape from our chaos.

Listen, Kuzmich,
why are you constantly

getting into this oriental mysticism?

Can't you peacefully meditate
in our Russian way?

lf you do it the Russian way,
you'll ruin your health.

Two rings on the bell,
her name is Olya.

He is a freak that in drinking is weak.

What a milksop!

His predecessor was a real man!
He was one of us.

He could drink half a bucket,
overflowing, bottoms up,

and then give a lecture about
the dangers of alcoholism,

and on the culture of sexual
relationships in the countryside.

Kuzmich, don't get us worked up, huh.

Here! Keep your eyes on! Keep your eyes on where
you are steering. So I don't get where are we going to, huh?

It'll be dark soon at last.

We'll navigate by the stars then.
Two fingers left of Algol.

What Algol? Are you OK?

It's a star
in the constellation of Perseus.

There it is, barely noticeable one.

This is the North Star,
a little higher is Cassiopeia.

Turn left, and there's Algol.

Have you got it?

I see...

Kuzmich!
Oh, Lord, Kuzmich!

Kuzmich!

He's out.

He had told me before, on the pier

about being nervous
when waiting for us.

Yeah. He was drunk!

What alcohol... dammit...
what Algol are we heading for?

As long as we do not stray off course!
'Two fingers left...'

Algol is there. There's a light
over there, head that way.

Where should l stick my fingers:
vertically or horizontally?

In any case,
Kuzmich has thicker fingers.

As long as we do not stray off course!

That way.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

- Lyova, are you sure that this is his lodge?
- Yes.

He sent me a Christmas card.
lt's his alright. 13th lodge.

We are going the right way.

So, unload.

Jesus, why it and so much?

The main thing, I called him, l said him:
'Don't bring too much, we're going to have rest.'

five, six... sixteen boxes!

Yeah ...

There's something
not quite right...

The main thing I called him,
l said him: 'Don't bring too much,

we are just going to have rest.' Right?

l said not more than sixteen,
but l meant the bottles,

Certainly not boxes.

Do you think I could suggest
something like this?

Let's just hope
it's not all for us.

Well, the Prosecutor also came.
Maybe, someone else will show up

to have rest.

Kuzmich, why so much vodka?
How much were you asked to bring?

However many you asked for -
that's how many l brought.

But never mind, I'm not an enemy to my health,
l can relax in a civilized manner.

So, to Understanding!

We know how to relax.

Sixteen boxes is just about right.
The less we couldn't take.

That must be respect. Look how he is
taking care of him. He loves him, probably.

Kuzmich, why is your colleague
keeping silent all the time?

Definitely not mine.

I got it so that he's definitely deaf and dumb.

Things happen, what can you do.

For women it would be bad. Yeah.

Because for women,
You can say a tragedy.

All communication is based on words.

But we men, we can understand
each other without words.

We have a lot of things to discuss,

among us men.

Oh! Having a shave wouldn't hurt.

Mikhalych, be careful
with your hands.

You scratched your neck,
and he thought you wanted a drink.

You see, l didn't come here for that.
l came to get some rest.

Do some fishing, relax.
See it?

We can't hurt his feelings.
To the silence.

So, to the strength of men's silence!

He understands everything!

Listen, where can l

sleep and wash myself?

Yes, wash myself.

He got it!

ls that what we need?

Oh...

Oops.
Phew!

Didn't you understand me?

I told you.

l came to do some fishing, understand?
Big one like this! Big fish, understand?

Of course, l can't give a toast
like the General, l'll be brief:

So, goodbye, health.

Help yourself.

Kuzmich!

Kuzmich!

Kuzmich!

Where am l?

Lyova!

Lyova!

Kuzmich! l'm over here! Which shed
did we put the vodka in?

- ls that you, Lyova?
- ls it me?

Mikhalych, just take
the hair of the dog...

We'll get some worms, have some
breakfast, and go fishing, right?

Right.

Kuzmich, have you got any bread?

Maybe.

Where?

There.

Where there?

Look in the kitchen.

You've got zilch.

We'll have to drive
to the shop to get some bread.

Serghei, what do you
want for breakfast?

Serghei, l'm taking some money?
For bread? Can I?

He's alive.

Mikhalych, we won't be long:

we'll just go for bread and back.

lt's a good road.

Yeah, they've learned how to build.

- Want some?
- No, I can't.

- Why so?
- I'm driving.

Clap (my back)! [Kuzmich claps his hands]

Thanks.

Weird. There's neither bread
nor drinks anywhere.

It's an auto shop.

- You can't drink and drive.
- Can't eat no bread, either?

Miss, do you like fishing? Pardon.

Lyova, you had better have a drink of water
first before dating with the lady. Let's go.

Stop!

Girls! Let's go fishing, huh?
It's a nice weather outside.

We'll sit down, do some fishing,
have some talking.

- We just go and dig up some worms.
- And buy some wellies.

Lyova, you'd better shut up.

You're scaring even me
with your roaring hiccups.

- Hey, where's the toilet?
- I can't drink no more...

Do you mind I turned
my back on you?

Good night, or day?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Well, neither do I.

First one must try and
understand his feelings,

only after that a decision
must be made.

Wait a little. I'll get champain.

I'll be back in a second.

Have we got any champagne?
l need champagne urgently.

We've got vodka. Kuzmich
doesn't keep champagne.

Who drinks champagne
on a fishing trip?

- Do you have any champagne?
- Excuse me, where's the toilet?

Everywhere. You just don't go near the shed,
there are loads of nettles.

Thanks.

- Do you have any champagne?
- Only vodka.

Why's everything so clumsy?

Oh!

Sorry, Serghei.

Where's to go now? Lyova, do you
remember which way we came?

You're the bloody native,
this is your neck of the woods, not mine.

Oh, I can see cops.
Let's ask them.

- Hey, listen, how can we
get to his place? - Hello!

To the 13th lodge.
I'm Kuzmich.

You're not buckled up.

What, are you Karelian?
The new one?

Oh, look, Kuzmich,
they've got new uniforms.

You're drunk.
You're swaying.

- First to the right, and then to the left.
Did you get that, Kuzmich? - No, I didn't.

Thanks, mate, but you should learn
some Russian. It'll be usefull to you.

Hey, Masti, what's happened?

These Russian are totally flippy, driving around
blind drunk, as if they were back home.

l noticed that something
wasn't right yesterday.

Everything is clean and neat -
not our way.

...and nostalgia.

Finland? Sweden?
What do you think?

l think we should get out
of here before they get us.

There's only one problem -
the General.

Yes, the General is a problem.
He might make a point of it.

Listen, Kuzmich, we stopped
here, didn't we?

- Yeah. Here! Mikhalych is splashing
about over there! - Yeah.

They are asleep.

Prosecutor, get up!
Prosecutor, reveille!

Serghei, get up.

We've crossed the border,
we've got to leg it, fast and quiet.

- Lyova...
- Get up, I tell you!

Let's get at least one of them up.

Serghei, we're over the border,
we crossed it!

Olegych, they can put us behind bars,
then we'll be fishing not so soon.

Serghei!
Sery!

When are we leaving? By night?

At night it might be too late.

Lord, how did I get into that.

Who dressed me like this, huh?

lt's all your colleague's fault.
Your colleague's bastard!

He spiked my drink with a sleeping pill -
l still keep snoozing off.

- lt's all because of you!
- Me?

- You, you, you!
- What's because of me?

- 'We'll navigate by Algol, two fingers left', huh!
- We should make a run for it, got it?

Olegych, what were you saying
about sleeping pills?

Mikhalych, you mustn't stay in the water
so long. You'll get sick.

All illnesses are from lack
of culture.

Water is the cradle
of conscious life.

lt just gives me pleasure to return
to the source of existence.

and benefit from this
untold pleasure.

lf he stays in his cradle
much longer,

we'll spend the rest
of our lives behind bars.

They have comfortable prisons.

You get bananas for lunch
there, you can do sports and read books.

Thanks, l can do
the same thing at home.

l want to return
to the Motherland.

Don't break my heart.
Start smiling - Mikhalych is here.

Lovely! The water is wonderful.

Mikhalych, we've got fed up with this place.
Maybe, we'll go to the old lodge?

- We used to it.
- lt's not bad here either.

At first l felt depressed,
but now it abated.

We must just keep ourselves
occupied, we'll go fishing now.

The pills.

There're no fish here.
They've gone to the silent places. To the old lodge.

Mikhalych, would you like
some more tea?

- How many pills did you put in?
- Two.

Not enough. He's like a bull.

Put some more in
that he just fall down.

Kuzmich, where is your verandah
for observing the moon?

- I was searching for it all the morning and l couldn't
find it. - There. l'll show you later.

There are no fish here,
almost none.

- Coincidence, he was lucky.
- There's fish here. We have to know how to catch it.

Would you like some more tea?
lt's so hot here.

Thanks.

- lt's not working.
- lt will soon.

He's had three cups. Seven pills.

Maybe they're not the right pills?

They're the right pills.

- What's wrong with Serghei?
- Too long in the sun. He's asleep.

Well, it's time to do
something else for a change.

lt's not working.

Maybe they make them immune to these
things in the army. We don't know what.

Maybe, hypnose against
intoxication or something?

Lyova, what if he falls asleep?

Well, that's what
we are waiting for.

Yes, but if he falls asleep
on that thing?

Right, he's already asleep!

- l'll catch lasso him.
- Careful.

Come on!

Got him!

Kuzmich, where are you going?

Mikhalych, stop the boat!

- Wait, Mikhalych!
- Kuzmich, where are you going?

- Mikhalych, stop!
- Kuzmich!

Mikhalych! Wake up!
Mikhalych, dear!

You are dragging me after you!

Mikhalych, stop!

Stop!

Don't worry, Kuzmich.
In my account

he'll run out of fuel in 2 hours.
So hold on!

Mikhalych, stop!
Stop!

l can't swim! Mikhalych!

Hold on, Kuzmich!

lt's over, Kuzmich, he's out of fuel.

Save me, the General
knows how to swim.

He's got an unsinkable bike!

Kuzmich, give me a hand.

Full speed ahead!

So, goodbye.
Sorry for any inconvenience.

Next time you're down
our way, drop in.

Kuzmich, what do you think,
are we already in neutral waters?

How should l know:
everything is so near here.

Lenin made it to Finland
on foot in a few minutes.

And my boat is going faster.

Well, do you know
where you are going?

Because Lenin knew
where he was going.

Of course, it's harder to navigate
by the sun than by the stars.

Once you led us the
wrong way by your stars.

Let's hope we don't end up
in Africa with your sun.

So, have we broken through?

Is it much further?

Where is the vodka?

You're like the last donkeys.
You left the vodka behind.

You have not forgotten anything?
But vodka you have left.

Serghei, tell me please,

did we travel a hundred miles
just in order to drink vodka?

Of course not.

- So why did we come here?
- To fish.

So fish!
And don't even mention vodka!

... 14, 15.

Fifteen boxes!

Those Russians are smugglers!
Are you a smuggler as well?

No, I'm an owner of a small hotel.

We have a little vodka.

The season is about to start,
there'll be loads of tourists.

The Russians are a generous
people, they left this vodka for us.

You don't know the Russians!
I remember them though I was a little girl.

They never leave vodka behind.

It won't take the spoon-bait
at this speed.

It hurts me to think we left
so much vodka behind.

What the!..

And your fishing line
is too thick for our waters.

Olegych!

- Olegych!!!
- Serghei!!!

Help!

Help! Somebody!

Darling! Hello, darling!
Everything is fine!

Not everything, of course.

That's why tell the
emergency services

that l'm floating on a log
in the neutral waters.

Probably somewhere
close to Finland.

Why can't you?
You're having a rest? In Cyprus?

I'm on a log, and you're in Cyprus?

There he is, on a log!
Serghei, don't worry!

Guys!
I'm here!

- Lyova, be careful coming up to him.
- Lyova, look at the perch I caught!

Olegych, don't worry!

- Guys!
- Let's take him! Oops!

Serghei, are you OK?

- My darling...
- What?

- My wife is in Cyprus.
- It's his nerves. The stress.

Left for Cyprus.

Serghei! Olegych!
Everything is OK. Everything will be gone.

She left to have a rest.

Don't worry about the vodka -
we'll have loads of vodka.

She's gone to Cyprus without me.

So don't take it to your heart - she left.

My wife went to the theater
8 years ago to see Parsifal,

and then she sent me a postcard
from Kathmandu: 'Don't look for me.

I found my happiness
and true vocation'.

Cyprus isn't the end
of the world - she'll be back!

Hands up!
Come alongside!

Stop the engine!

You have crossed
the Russian State border!

Don't shoot - we have a General and
a Prosecutor with us!

- Everybody stay at your place!
- We got lost!

We're the natives! The natives!
I'm Kuzmich!

Lyova, shine the light on my face!
Everybody knows me here!

How can I shine?
I've got my hands up!

Legs apart!

Let's do our morning gymnastics!

- Semyonov! Dear!
- Cop!

Kuzmich, I can't believe that you can get
lost in your own backyard.

Things happen ...

I was looking for you.
Came to have a rest. But you're out.

I even started to get worried.

So I took some border guards with me.

- Kuzmich, we've broken through! - Everything's OK.
We were roaming around the skerries.

Put your hands down then.

I was showing them
our beautiful landscapes.

The General and the Prosecutor were so
impressed by the views that they fell asleep.

Thank you!
Good luck!

If you need any help - get in touch!
See you! Have a nice fishing trip!

- Stop the engine!
- Engine stopped!

Give me the rope!

They have a nice sleep.
They must have had a nice time.

Our landscapes are unique.

I can't understand people that go to Cyprus or
elsewhere to rest. But our places...

What's wrong?
I understand, I feel it too.

Come on.

- We should wake up the General. We need a toast.
- We shouldn't wake up the General.

- Why? What's he sitting here for then?
- The vodka is gone.

It sank.

- All of it?
- All of it. There won't be any toasts today.

- Where?
- There.

We must call the scuba divers. ln
the spring they dropped a box of cognac.

When they celebrated
the НТ's day of birth.

They found it in all the mud near
the military pier, and they got it back up.

- Is it deep there?
- It's deep there.

- They'll find it.
- It's very deep there.

They'll find it all the same.

Especially when they learn there is vodka
down there and how much of it - they'll find it.

So, what, are we going
to cry about it?

Oh!

Of course, I can't give
the toast like the General.

So, I'll be brief.

Well,

So, you know what l mean, guys.

So, to unity!

Of course, to unity with nature.
To our unity.

She doesn't like fishing,
so she stayed at home.

I have bought her such a great rod.

...3 hours, and not a single bait...

I caught this massive
salmon over yonder,

A great one, six pounds.

Listen, it fetched three
two-liter jars of caviar.

No big deal! I was using
a worm, a normal worm,

I pull it to the boat
and the rod started to bend,

and l thought, that's it,
the rod is going to break.

I turned my torch on,
and I saw, really saw a fish big as a log.

And I've got just a paddle.
So I took a paddle and gave it a bang.

And the funniest thing is it was moving all the same,
and I didn't even have a hand-net.

What can I do?
So, with my bare hands,

with my bare hands
I grabbed its tail.

And it started thrashing around.

3 hours, and not a single bait,

And then, in 10 minutes
I had a such biting!

I had a full boat
of first-rate red-fins.

I call her and it turns
she's left for Cyrpus without me.

My darling... Cyprus...

What have you found there,
in your Cyprus? My darling...

Who's there?

Who's there? Huh?

Kuzmich, it seems to me
we were in a different place.

We were. Now we're here.

I don't remember a thing.

There won't be a moon tonight.

If you watch the moon
for a long time, you go insane.

That's what they said in Middle
Asia, when I was in the army there.

That's kind of sign.

I don't remember a thing.

I don't understand a thing.
There was a shed.

Kuzmich, yesterday you had a shed.
There were bushes growing near it. Where is it?

What for do you need it?
I have a lot of buildings.

- There definitely was a shed.
- Nice weather.

- Maybe I dreamt it.
- Agreeable weather.

- Didn't I drink a lot yesterday?
- You did.

Blacker than a king's hat.

It happens.
Sometimes I'm sure

I've got a 100 ruble note
in my tunic's pocket.

But I can't find it.
Oh! It appeared again!

Well, stop talking about mysticism.
It's time to go fishing.

May I go with you?

I've never really been fishing
with professionals.

You can come.
You just dig up some worms.

You must start
from elementary things:

First you angle with worms,
then - with spoon-bait, and then -

the other forms of fishing.

Dynamite, for example.
Electrofishing.

We don't use it, though.
We only fish sportingly.

Yes, only sportingly.

Kuzmich, maybe you've got some
mermaids here or somebody else.

Naiads, for example.

I've got loads of things that
go beyond ordinary sense.

There are lot of women wandering
about. This place is great.

- Kuzmich! Should I dig up worms here?
- Dig, alright! There're plenty here.

Prosecutor, just dig deeper.

- Kuzmich! There are no worms here!
- Dig, alright! There're plenty here.

Kuzmich, what's the Prosecutor
doing in the field there?

Well, my hands are
not getting through.

Last year I wanted
to plant Soya-beans here.

Or was it Gaolyang...

Kuzmich! l've found one!

Lyova, go there! Go there!
There're plenty of fish there. Come on! Come on!

Go straight ahead, Mikhalych. They catch no fish
there. I haven't thrown any bait out there.

- What should l fish with?
- There's a sinker there.

- This one?
- That's right.

And how do you use it?

You put the worm on the hook,
then you cast it and wait.

If it starts jerking, you pull it out.

Got it?

Hook on the worm,
and then overboard. OK.

Hook on the worm...
Where's my worm?

What've you got there?

Is that all?

I dug up half a field.
I've found only it.

Okay, let's help.

Give it a swing. That's it.

- You cast it. Here, take it.
- Thank you.

- Jesus...
- Yeah.

Pull it out and try once again.

Lyova, it can't move,
it's got stuck on something.

Pull harder, it's a strong line.
It will hold on.

Oh ...

Lyova, who is this?

I mean, what's its name?

- It's a bream.
- Is it a big one?

It's not small.

A big bream! A great bream!

We'll catch an even bigger one!

Should l put another worm on?

Yes, put the hook on the worm,
and the sinker into the water.

We're going to catch
a massive fish now!

Somebody's lucky...

Oh!

Jesus!

What are you looking at? Cut it!

Get the first aid kit.

How did you manage it?

This is my first time fishing.
My first trip on a boat too.

Well, you won't forget it in a hurry.

- We've got nothing, not even vodka.
- We should get him to a hospital.

Well, Semyonov!

Prosecutor, you should put your finger into
the water, to stop the worm from dying.

Otherwise the ptomain
will get into the wood.

Do something!

Come on.

Watch you step.

Hey! Somebody!

We need some help.

- Bon appetite.
- Hello.

Thank you. What's wrong?

- When did you get it stuck?
- Today, out fishing.

Show me.

We put it into water,
so that it wouldn't die.

Do you understand?

Here you are.

An anesthetic.

Well!

Give me the instrument.

Get it out.

Well, well, well.
This one?

Yes. It's gone right through.
But the end sticks out.

It's a piece of luck for you.

We won't touch the worm.
We'll just cut it away.

Never mind,
all my stuff is sterilized.

Easy.

That's it.

You can have this as a keepsake.

- Thank you.
- Thank you!

Thank yous don't pour.

Got it!

It's no big deal, my sister's husband
got hooked right here.

The main thing, he picked himself.

We thought he would
never be a man again.

But he is lucky: he's still got
his wife and his mistress.

Put your finger in some vodka.
You have to disinfect it.

The worm might have been ill.

So, to the operation!

What, I have to drink this?

Well, if you're not squeamish.

Personally, I am very sensitive to this.

When you brought that worm
on the finger, I nearly went sick.

Meat dumplings are a traditional Russian
meal though they came to us from Siberia

and in translation
they mean "boiled ear".

If we'd caught some fish,
we wouldn't be doing this.

Meat dumplings
are the essence of life.

This food is rather simple,
but it is very healthy for man.

The main thing is the proportion,
especially of dough.

You can eat up these meat
dumplings to a hundred

without any consequences
for your health.

Wow! How are you?

I caught this big fish.
Lyova, what is it called?

- A skimmer.
- This big skimmer.

There's no fish.

The weather is changing,
so they're not biting.

We can catch them only in a vandal way with
the help of dynamite or the fishing net.

So, what are we celebrating?

So, to the finger!

That's right. I'd even like
to tell you more - that's true.

When are we
going fishing again?

Later. First we have to make our
minimum requirement of dumplings.

Well, now with these dumplings
it would be a long procedure, you know.

Hey!

Is anybody there?

Egad!

What a silly idea
can come to my head!

Ugh, Lord.

Hey!

Excuse me, are you there?

Excuse me,
I wanted to talk to you.

Don't be afraid of me.

Excuse me ...

Hello, my name is Serghei.

Don't be afraid of me.

Does your tail get in the way? I mean,
when you're on dry land.

Where are you going?

Hey!

Olegych, what are you doing here?

Excuse me, but again I am.

I don't want to seem impolite,
but you stunned me.

Excuse me ...

I never even imagined

that creatures like you exist.

Mikhalych, the transformer
has broken down.

What is there ...

- A Naiad, eyes are grey...
- What's wrong with you?

I'm with the purest intentions ...

No big deal,
I've got a very low voltage here.

... and hit me so.
It's no good.

- I should move the box to another place.
- So beautiful.

People confuse it with a toilet
or a beach cabin.

Very politely, with
a bunch of flowers.

From a purely professional interest.

A season doesn't go by without
somebody zapping themselves.

My intentions were honorable.
What was the idea to strike me!

It's no good.
It's no good.

Shame on you, Serghei. You distress me,
really. Well, tell me what the hell...

did you go into
the transformer cabin?

There is clearly written ...
[Don't go there or it will fucking kill you!]

Kuzmich, what should an intelligent
person think, having read this?

By the way, intelligent people

don't go into transformer cabins with flowers.

Mikhalych.

My wife has left me on Cyprus.
But she kissed me.

- Who kissed you?
- What 'who'? The mermaid.

All the same,
you should repair the sign.

Perfect! Throw it!

Alright, we've got the delivery.

Alright, I can walk by myself.

Kuzmich. What did he tell
about the mermaids?

Ever since we rescued him from
the log, he's been out of his mind.

He tells me about
mermaids all the time.

He keeps asking me if there are
a lot of mermaids in these parts.

- So, are there many?
- Are you a materialist?

I was a victimized materialist.

I'm not a materialist for a long time.
'Cause a donstant contact with nature,

with beautiful things
lets change the angle of things.

- Kuzmich, tell it in short.
- You'll laugh at me, but they exist.

No, I see it's hard to believe it,
but it's true.

You don't believe me?

No. Kuzmich,
introduce me to one then, huh?

It's a deal.

- What's this?
- Meat dumplings.

- But this is ravioli.
- Well, they are meant dumplings.

Yes, but it's ravioli.

But they're meant dumplings
first and foremost.

They're dumplings, Mikhalych.

Yeah, ravioli.

Well done, Semyonov.

If it wasn't for you, we'd be
making ravioli for the whole night.

Hey, is anybody here!

People! Where are you? Kuzmich!

- This one?
- That's right.

Hello.

Hi.

Ivanych!

- Hello, guys!
- Hello.

- So, what do you think?
- Good, bloody good.

I'm talking about our deal,
not about vodka.

Alright, show me
where you left the cargo.

Here, in this region.

But that's a foreign country!

- Really?
- Impossible.

Unbelievable.

- So what if it's a foreign country?
- You're out of your mind, landlubber idiots!

We go in quickly, load it
and then go out.

Do you understand in what
kind of country you live?

- Of course. Lyova.
- Serghei.

Semyonov, get in.
The water is wonderful.

A man should have constant
contact with water.

I don't mean that vulgar
consumption of liquids.

It goes without saying.
I mean here - the contact.

It's being at one
with mother nature,

with our creator.

Semyonov, I'd go even further:

we all came from water,
and we'll all return to it.

To this environment.

Ah, that's great!

Only amateurs talk that way:
go there, come back.

This is not a taxi,
this is a combat vessel.

I can dump an aircraft carrier.

Well, if I'll get a chance, of course.

And you're talking
about some boxes.

This isn't the right shed.

Semyonov, come in, look.

Do you know what it is?

Plastic explosives.

Where did Kuzmich get it?

Nobody reported to me as yet
about the theft of plastic explosives.

Nobody?

But never mind. Blow this stuff up,
there'll be plenty of fish.

Well, we'll do it not for us! The guys will come back,
and we'll give them some fish.

Well actually it goes beyond the law.
It's poaching.

So we should go further behind the island,
further, it's quite there, no one will notice.

What you are suggesting
called diversion, got it?

In any country it's called
a diversionary operation.

Let's not argue about the terms.
Just think about it.

- Lyova.
- Sergei.

We're not hurrying you, Ivanych.

- There's no hurry.
- We've plenty of time.

It's not just sport or relaxation,

it's a state of being, a repose
from the worries of daily life.

General, we won't be long!
We just go there and back!

After all, is it our fault that
we were born in Russia?

We need very little to be happy,
not to lose the land under our feet:

a sense of the Motherland,
of the Universe.

A quiet river, a small forest lake,
and simple fishing equipment.

We'll use a smoke screen,
and no one will see.

We'll abandone our belongings
quickly and go home.

You are so clever!
Why don't you marching in uniform,

and why don't you wear a pirate's sconce
if you know it all, you landlubbing half-wits!

- Where's the toilet?
- To the left down the corridor.

And put my coat on.
This is a combat ship, after all.

And you go here, as naked apes.

Comrade Lieutenant-Captain.
There's a package from headquarters.

And sign here.

You're to open it at the time
specified on the envelope.

Permission to leave?

Leave, leave.

We must be 20 meters away,
or we'll blow ourselves up.

Depth is small here.

After the explosion, as a rule, only 10 to 12
per cent of the fish will float up.

The rest of it will remain
on the floor of the sea.

Our mission is to collect the fish
that will be on the surface.

Until she pulled itself together.

- Semyonov, is a current towards or away from us?
- That l don't know.

Full speed ahead, or we're done for!
Semyonov! Full speed ahead!

- Dear mother! Swim for your life!
- Where are you going?! Go to the steering wheel!

I'm running ahead!
To which the steering wheel?

Run to the fore, Prosecutor!
Run to the fore, or we're done for!

We're done for!

How much vodka
did you leave at the near border area?

Sixteen.

Boxes.

- How much?
- Only 15 left, to be exact.

So it's ...

You should have said
that straight away. But you said 'we left a little'.

- Can you show me the exact place?
- Yes.

It's an uninhabited area. lt would be
better to go by submarine.

- In a "Baby-Sub"?
- How do you know?

It's a state secret!

Last year we took it
to the island to go berry-picking.

- Who took off my sandals?
- Maybe, the explosion tore them off. Are you OK?

I'm OK but my feet are wet. And why
are you shouting at me?

I thought you were shell-shocked.

- And where's our boat?
- It sank.

Kuzmich will be upset. He liked it.
What will we do?

Maybe we should swim
to the shore, huh?

It's good that it happened
in the summer.

If it had been autumn or spring,
we'd die from exposure.

If they didn't get a pilot shot down
over the Baltic in 20 minutes,

he was frozen to death.

If they got him in time, they
could warm him up. Bring him back to life.

The best way to warm him up
were two women from each side.

They succeed to warm him up best of all.

Lots of them had their eyes
pecked out by seagulls.

The eyes glitter in the sunshine,
so they peck them out.

Can't you think
of anything more cheerful?

You talk such rubbish!

Birds are very responsive
to shiny objects.

- My name is Vasily.
- Serghei.

The second battle shift, intercede!

What are you doing here?
I told you to get the landlubbings to the land!

Our training exercises have begun. Kuzmich,
have you seen a package from headquarters?

A secret one? Lyova wanted
to open it yesterday.

You ask him.

I need it as much
as a hedgehog needs a T-shirt.

Serghei got it, he signed the receipt.

Oh, my head hurts.

Why can we never sit and talk
in a civilized manner,

do we always need to drink.

Where is the package?

- Anyway, is there any left?
- My plan of actions is in it.

We've got training exercises
with live shooting.

And I don't know which way to shoot.
Where is the package?

Like a broken record!
Ivanych, have you got any left?

We should have a hair of the dog,
then look for it.

He should be somewhere here -
we didn't go anywhere, did we?

Yes.

I will be at the location in 20 minutes,
and I don't know the procedure.

- Do you have any children, Vasily?
- No.

- How old are you?
- Nearly thirty-four.

Nearly... And you haven't lived at all yet.

What are you talking about?
Stop this nonsense.

- Sorry. You should be realistic.
- Semyonov!

- Look the danger bravely in the face.
- Follow me!

Vasily, where are you going?

- Vasily!
- Paddle!

The explosion must have lifted it up
from the bottom. Or it must be the storm.

There's very little time,
I have to open the package.

Good God, what made me get
mixed with you, landlubbers.

- Where can l get some water?
- There's water all around.

I'm done!

Don't worry.
Everything will be OK, even alright.

A grappling hook and knob
up your holes!

You liquid fuel oil under grease!

Although never mind.

The detonator of sea mine needs
to be hit very hard

to set the mine off,

otherwise an occasional storm
or fish, any of it, would explode all mines.

Hey! We're over here! Save us!

So interesting - our whistles
play in one tonality.

What are you talking about?

We could play some simple melody.
Bolero, for example.

If you don't like classical music,
something modern.

What d'you think, Vasya, huh?

I, for example,
like the Early Beatles.

Semyonov, are you an idiot?

- Do I look like an idiot?
- You do.

Excuse me,
where can I get a drink of water?

- Upstairs.
- Thank you.

Battle stations!

- Prepare missiles for action!
- Missiles are prepared for action!

Where are you going, Ivanych?

What the hell have you done,
you streak of sea-scum?!

I just wanted a drink of water,
but none of the buttons work.

How did this mixture of sea-scum
monkey and sprat get on board my ship?

- Sir, have the missiles gone?
- You know, go and have a look.

How should I know?
Why me again?

- What?
- Checking the rockets, sir!

The sergeant Kurtov,
check visually if the missiles are gone!

Ivanych, was there shooting?

All my life l've dreamt
of seeing how missiles fly.

The same with me.

Did you shoot well?

Ask him if did he shoot well.

Buttons! I thought it was about water.
There were the signs:

with bubbles, without bubbles.
And there's a cup here.

Why do you confuse the people?

What do you know
about naval humor? You landlubbing...

Comrade Commander! The missiles have been
launched. [Comrade Commander! The unstated launching happened!]

- What was that?
- What will happen to us?

It looks like they fired missiles.

Oh!

Comrade Lieutenant Captain,
the Commander - is on the line.

Dear God, why?

Captain, the Commander
is on the line.

Tug-boats,
thank you for the mission.

Permission to return to base, over.

Comrade Commander,
the Captain of the missile boat is on the line.

Commander is speaking. Excellent work,
Captain of the third rank.

No, that's not a mistake,
you have been promoted.

That's the way, comrades:
two missiles, two hits.

So?

What happened?

They've promoted me.

We must have hit something.

You say! I would've been surprised
if we'd missed.

You should see Serghei hunting,
with a Remington in his hands!

And there are the missiles here...

Set course for base!

- Let's celebrate the promotion.
- And our shooting skills.

Semyonov, don't whistle,
or you won't have money.

- Watch out, there's a mine!
- It's a fake, for training.

It missed since last year.

What are you doing in the
military training zone?

Fishing.

- Kuzmich! Lyova!
- Come on, get up!

- The fishermen, my foot!
- Now we'll fire into the mine.

We're saved!

Thank you,
I can't drink any more water.

Semyonov, what were you doing here?

- Kuzmich, are you a brave man?
- Well, I have my moments.

Then, you must face it with
honor:

your boat sank.

Prepare to eliminate
the training mine. Fire!

It's not fake.

Faster! What are you doing there?
How long I can wait for you?

Hello. This is the senior commando,
a specialist in secret operations.

- Kuzmich.
- Lyova.

Serghei Olegovich. Hello.

Vityok. What do you want?

It's not far from here.
To take our things. Just there and back.

Interesting.

Interesting.
When he had time to be there?

He never told us about being in Africa.

They're getting up
to their tricks again.

Owner of a province hotel
arrested by Police of Finland

for the possession
of smuggled vodka.

This is the largest amount

brought to Finland in recent times...

That means it wasn't a dream.

Semyonov, do you have any contacts
in the Finnish Republic?

I do, but they are of a private nature.
A Finnish writer.

Last autumn l took him hunting.
Hunting elk.

- Why?
- There's a shed we have to open.

- Urgently. It's the third day...
- What do you mean?

He agreed! You know I called upon

his professional patriotic pride.

Because at first he refused.

We leave in two hours!

Right, Semyonov, do what you want
but you just get my boat back!

Alright, if God let us we must
get back by tomorrow morning.

We need to get some
scuba drivers.

You must call your Finn in Finland,
and tell him to open the shed.

God, three days...

Vodka. Vodka is the uniquest
invention of our people.

It's not just a strong drink
like any other.

It's a nationality,
a national character.

It is what protects all of us
from total disintegration,

bearing in mind we are
reasonable enough

when consuming it.

Our vodka uses natural,
soft water,

which, alongside with cereals,
gives it a special taste.

In other countries they use
distillation

and boiling, but here
we only use pure, filtered water.

That is why our vodka
is superior to other drinks,

such as the French Frambois
or ltalian Grappa. And Cynar.

That's without even mentioning rum. From the best -
Cuban one to the worst - from Haiti.

Right, where's everybody gone?

Kuzmich, is it called Baby?

It's navi after all.
It's called that on purpose,

to confuse the enemy and
other rubber-necks.

Attention! You are on board
a military underwater craft!

It's not a ferry-boat for you,
so don't touch anything,

don't press any buttons,
and don't ask stupid questions.

- Are there any questions?
- No.

We'll be submerging in five minutes.

- Kuzmich. Kuzmich, have you already been on it?
- I have.

Do they have a toilet?

Everybody to their places.
Fasten safety belts.

What are the belts for?
Are we going to fly?

So that people like you stay put

and not wander around the toilets
or sink water down the pan... and there...

- What can be in there?
- Anything, got it?

We're off!

Lyova ...

We're diving.

So, where did you sink the boat?

- Over there, l think.
- I think, over there.

Do you remember any landmarks?

There was a lot of water, a horrible
amount of seagulls, and a mine was floating.

Understood.

This isn't it, it's a shed. And this...

Look, isn't this your one?

No it isn't that. Ours was a bit more respectable,
and more buildings around it.

We'll keep looking.

This definitely isn't yours.
And this maybe...

- Probably Russians.
- Yeah... They've probably got lost again.

- This is it, right here.
- Here. Definitely here.

This one maybe?
Take a look.

It sort of looks familiar.
Lyova, take a look.

- Well?
- Yes.

The cat is sitting there.
It stole our fish.

What fish?

What kind of fish they have got?
They haven't got any fish!

You come to my lodge,
l will show you loads of fish.

You have never seen such fish!

And who is that? lnteresting.

We're off on the mission.
ln charge will be...

Let will be Lyova.

- What is your rank?
- Major, homicide department.

- You will work. Don't touch anything. - Got it!
- Don't untie this.

- And don't press any buttons.
- Lyova, is there a toilet here?

In the navy, we call it the head.
Serghei, just be patient, don't you?

Let's go.

Quiet.

Something's not right here.

Oh! What is this?

I've only been gone for two days,
and they've laid hands on it!

It's closed.

Very impressive.

Wow, Raimo!

Lyova, I need to go to the head.
My will is finishing to be patient.

You can wait with your head!
No time for you.

No, ours wasn't made of wood.
Ours was iron. Keep looking.

The current is strong here. It could have gone further.
[Semyonov, is there any marks?]

There was a clock on the steering
wheel, in a metal housing.

There was a clock on the steering
wheel, in a metal housing. [Is it a mark?]

Are there so many boats down there?
Can't you pick ours?

- Kuzmich!
- What?

- There are some strange guys up there.
- Where?

They went to the shed.

And I saw Raimo by the shed.

Are you crazy? You're hallucinating!
Where did he come from?

- Stop babbling! Take this!
- Go on!

Freeze! Who's there?

My friends called me
and asked me to open this shed.

Hi, my friends told me
to open this shed...

One, two.

We've been spotted.

- What's happening?
- There was an ambush.

And what happened?

They are tying us up.

We've got you.

- It won't come down.
- Lyova, can I help you?

Well, tell me what do we do now?

- That's the lot. We've made it.
- Can I go to the toilet now?

Let me look...

So what was their plan!

Never mind, they never took
Vityok with bared hands!

Maybe we should surrender?
We'll say we just got lost.

Shut up, you ballast!
We've got out of worse fixes.

You shouldn't piss in wineglass.

That's exactly what I'd like to do.

Hold tight!

Give me another rope!

Lord, isn't there a simple toilet

on such an advanced submarine?
I mean the head.

With God's help, we're off!

- What should we do?
- Fight.

Lord, great fishing...

We're almost out of fuel. Pour some vodka
into the tank, or we won't go away.

- Vodka into here?
- Into here!

Are you crazy, this is vodka!

- Lyova!
- Wait a minute.

Does it run on vodka?

It runs on anything that burns. Pour!

Lyova! It is better to be free without vodka
than to be in prison with vodka.

Get on with it!

- Lyova!
- What "Lyova"? Come on!

Like this...

She's moving, the beauty!

- Did you have a box?
- What wooden box?

- Did we have a wooden box at the boat?
- Yes. lt was at the back.

Yes, there was a wooden box
on the stern. [Semyonov, I'll get it then]

So, get the box at least.

I've got it. lt's heavy.

A very interesting chest.

Cognac. Year 1804.

That was the year they declared
Napoleon emperor of France.

Before that he was a simple consul
for the rest of his life.

Is cognac a good thing?

- French one, it's almost 200 years old.
- I've never tried anything like it.

200 years old. Such an old vintage!

All the stars
on our lapels wouldn't be enough!

- Vityok, this is the fifteenth box.
- Pour! We're going well.

Yes, sir!

She's never run better.

I'd like to see what kind of an engineer

built a vodka-consuming engine?

Right you are.
This is the last one.

Oh! Kuzmich, and you wouldn't believe me.
Take a look.

Vityok, let's go up:

We're dragging half of Finland
after us, including a civilian.

Raimo ...

Such a cognac is rare, it can be acquired
only at international auctions.

- How much would it cost?
- Very expensive.

We could never buy the like.
And never taste it.

Why should we? We've got it.

I've never seen anything like it.

This is what l'd like to say.

Destiny brought us together,
we were like living next door,

we live quietly
but we didn't notice each other.

And then - this adventure
happened to us.

To us remembering
this summer forever!

That we be happy as we are now.

- And I'd also like to say...
- So, to fishing!

Ask Lyova.

I ask you was vodka
good that you have left?

- Is there any other kind?
- Golden words of truth.

I caught this massive bream!

I'll show you how we fish!
There is nothing like our fishing!

Oh, come on!

Your fishing is just sitting
and staring at the float.

But with us it's much more fun.
We can sit and have a talk.

We can rest to our heart's content
in a cultural way.

Could I have a cigarette?
I din't smoke for all the day.

Why didn't you ask earlier.

Try one of ours. It's not one
of your scummy foreign ciggies with grease.

We've rested nicely.
I've never had such good fishing.

What are you talking about, Mikhalych?
I know places

where such kind of fish jump out
of the water. Let's go there now...

Starring:

Alexei Buldakov as the General

Victor Bychkov as Kuzmich

Semyon Strugachev as Lyova

Serghei Russkin as Serghei

Serghei Gusinsky as Semyonov

Vasily Domrachev as the Prosecutor

Alexei Sevastyanov
as the Captain-Lieutenant

Andrei Krasko as Vityok

Ville Haapasalo as Raimo

Written and directed by
Alexander Rogozhkin

Director of photography -
Valery Martynov

Production designers -
V. Kartashov, E. Zhukova

Music by
Vladislav Panchenko

Executive producer -
Dmitry Delov

Produced by
Serghei Selyanov, lgor Kalenov

Переведено на Нотабеноиде

Переводчики: mykstery, olhy, Anjelika9, Esmal

samezzz, swiftlv