Religion ala Eddie Izzard

(laughter)

so yeah, and the Greeks - the Romans, they went Christian,

and then we had Christianity for about 1,500 years.

You know Catholocism - we believe in the teachings of Cathol and everything. It's good. (laughter)

Then Henry the 8th came along! Henry the 8th, a big hairy king, um-

and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic church, "Mr. Pope! I'm going to marry my first wife

"and then I'm going to divorce her. Now I know what you're going to say,

"but stick with me, my story gets better.

"I'm gonna marry my second wife, and then I'm going to kill her - cut her head off!

"ahhh, not expecting that, are you? Hah ha ha. (laughter)

"Third wife - gonna shoot her. Fourth wife - put her in a bag.

"Fifth wife - into outer space. Sixth wife - on a rotissomat.

"Seventh wife made out of jam. Eighth wife - boop boop boop-"

And the Pope's going, "You crazy bugger!

"You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can't marry all these people."

(laughter)

(inaudible)

"You can't do all this, I'm the Pope! I'm head of the church!

"I have to keep up-

"Caio (laughter)

"I have to (inaudible, laughter)

"What have you been reading? the gospel according to Saint Bastard?" (laughter)

So Henry the 8th, who was Sean Connery for this film-

(in fake Scottish accent) "Well the I will set up a new religion in this country.

"I will set up the religion - the psychotic bastard religion!"

And an advisor said, "Why not call it Church of England?"

So now it's "Church of England! That's much better.

"Even though I am Scottish, myself."

So they did! That's the birth of the Church of England - the birth of the Anglican Church.

Disgusting, eh? That's no basis to start a religion on!

Nothing to do with the Protestant Church, I mean, Henry just shagged and killed a lot of women,

and then stole all the money off the monestaries. You know, rape, pillage - rape and pillage, that is.

The Protestant faith was different - that started, um, well probably around a similar time,

but that was about Martin Luther.

This German guy who pinned a note on a church door, saying

"Hang on a minute!" (laughter)

But in German, so "eine minuten biter"

(laughter)

"Eh how about einen kleinen problemo

"avec dis er religione." (laughter)

He was from everywhere. (laughter)

So yeah, so, and then so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked on

you know by Elizabeth the First a bit later.

"Ooh, look at this, put um, some principles! Thank God, we've got some principles."

Now a days Church of England's much more, "hello, how are you?" Much more of a hobbying type - "hello.."

A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms - "hello!"

(laughter)

"Hahaha!

"Yes, that's what I thought

"Do come in! You're the only one, today." (laughter)

"Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine I found.

"That I found in a hedge.

"Now, uh, lipstick colors this season, are, uh, in the frosted pink area, and uh, nail colors to match.

"and uh, this reminds me rather of Our Lord Jesus!" (laughter)

"Because surely when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey, he must have got tarted up a bit."

(laughter)

"We will now sing four- hymn 405, 'O God, what on Eath is my Head All About.'

(slurred singing) "O God, what on earth is my head..."

There's something weird - something phenominally dreary about Christian singing.

The gospel singers are the only singers who just go crazy!

going joyous! and it's fucking amazing and it's born out of kidnapping, inprisionment, slavery, murder

all of that and this joyous singing.

And the Church of England - well, all those sort of Christian religions

with, with uh, many caucasian white people, with all the power and money and

enough power and money to make Solomon blush.

And they're all singing,

(slurred singing) "O God, O been ages past...a (unintelligable)..."

They're the only group of people who can sing Hallelujah without feeling like it's a Hallelujah thing

(slurred singing) "Hal-leh-lu-jah, Ha-leh-lu-jah. Joyfully we lark about."

And (laughter, clapping)

No - it's, it's just not kicking, is it? You know

God must be up there going, "What on Earth is that?"

God, who is James Mason, "What on Earth is that?" (laughter)

"Jesus Christ! What on Earth is that?"

"Don't take my name in vain, Dad!"

"Jeezey Chrizey, what on Earth is that?"

"Don't call me Jeezey Chrizey!

"Look Dad, I went down there, I told them to hang out, be groovey, drink a bit of wine,

!they split into different groups!

"You've got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits,

"the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the Free Presbyterians, the Locked Up Presbyterians

"the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers.

"The Mormons ARE from Mars, Dad, we've had it checked."

"And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?"

"Oh he's useless, Dad, got a sheet over his head these days."

Wooo, Holy Ghost... woo, Holy Ghooost!

Holy Ghost, this is not an Episode of Scooby Doo!

"I would have succeeed if it wasn't for those pesky God and Jesus fellas!"