0:00:00.434,0:00:02.162 (laughter) 0:00:02.162,0:00:05.188 so yeah, and the Greeks - the Romans, they went Christian, 0:00:05.188,0:00:08.229 and then we had Christianity for about 1,500 years. 0:00:08.229,0:00:14.202 You know Catholocism - we believe in the teachings of Cathol and everything. It's good. (laughter) 0:00:14.202,0:00:17.933 Then Henry the 8th came along! Henry the 8th, a big hairy king, um- 0:00:17.933,0:00:22.779 and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic church, "Mr. Pope! I'm going to marry my first wife 0:00:22.779,0:00:24.838 "and then I'm going to divorce her. Now I know what you're going to say, 0:00:24.854,0:00:28.264 "but stick with me, my story gets better. 0:00:28.264,0:00:30.636 "I'm gonna marry my second wife, and then I'm going to kill her - cut her head off! 0:00:30.636,0:00:34.154 "ahhh, not expecting that, are you? Hah ha ha. (laughter) 0:00:34.154,0:00:36.565 "Third wife - gonna shoot her. Fourth wife - put her in a bag. 0:00:36.565,0:00:39.139 "Fifth wife - into outer space. Sixth wife - on a rotissomat. 0:00:39.139,0:00:42.313 "Seventh wife made out of jam. Eighth wife - boop boop boop-" 0:00:42.313,0:00:43.974 And the Pope's going, "You crazy bugger! 0:00:43.974,0:00:47.813 "You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can't marry all these people." 0:00:47.813,0:00:50.114 (laughter) 0:00:50.114,0:00:52.723 (inaudible) 0:00:52.723,0:00:54.655 "You can't do all this, I'm the Pope! I'm head of the church! 0:00:54.655,0:00:55.950 "I have to keep up- 0:00:55.950,0:00:57.202 "Caio (laughter) 0:00:57.202,0:00:59.770 "I have to (inaudible, laughter) 0:00:59.770,0:01:04.089 "What have you been reading? the gospel according to Saint Bastard?" (laughter) 0:01:04.089,0:01:09.042 So Henry the 8th, who was Sean Connery for this film- 0:01:09.042,0:01:12.202 (in fake Scottish accent) "Well the I will set up a new religion in this country. 0:01:12.202,0:01:18.229 "I will set up the religion - the psychotic bastard religion!" 0:01:18.229,0:01:21.032 And an advisor said, "Why not call it Church of England?" 0:01:21.032,0:01:25.358 So now it's "Church of England! That's much better. 0:01:25.358,0:01:29.703 "Even though I am Scottish, myself." 0:01:29.703,0:01:33.093 So they did! That's the birth of the Church of England - the birth of the Anglican Church. 0:01:33.093,0:01:36.862 Disgusting, eh? That's no basis to start a religion on! 0:01:36.862,0:01:41.199 Nothing to do with the Protestant Church, I mean, Henry just shagged and killed a lot of women, 0:01:41.199,0:01:46.431 and then stole all the money off the monestaries. You know, rape, pillage - rape and pillage, that is. 0:01:46.431,0:01:49.785 The Protestant faith was different - that started, um, well probably around a similar time, 0:01:49.785,0:01:51.510 but that was about Martin Luther. 0:01:51.510,0:01:53.601 This German guy who pinned a note on a church door, saying 0:01:53.601,0:01:56.517 "Hang on a minute!" (laughter) 0:01:56.517,0:01:59.562 But in German, so "eine minuten biter" 0:01:59.562,0:02:01.989 (laughter) 0:02:01.989,0:02:06.017 "Eh how about einen kleinen problemo 0:02:06.017,0:02:09.663 "avec dis er religione." (laughter) 0:02:09.663,0:02:12.766 He was from everywhere. (laughter) 0:02:12.766,0:02:15.612 So yeah, so, and then so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked on 0:02:15.612,0:02:17.080 you know by Elizabeth the First a bit later. 0:02:17.080,0:02:21.676 "Ooh, look at this, put um, some principles! Thank God, we've got some principles." 0:02:21.676,0:02:27.648 Now a days Church of England's much more, "hello, how are you?" Much more of a hobbying type - "hello.." 0:02:27.648,0:02:31.850 A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms - "hello!" 0:02:31.850,0:02:36.523 (laughter) 0:02:36.523,0:02:39.126 "Hahaha! 0:02:39.126,0:02:41.695 "Yes, that's what I thought 0:02:41.695,0:02:46.166 "Do come in! You're the only one, today." (laughter) 0:02:46.166,0:02:50.404 "Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine I found. 0:02:50.404,0:02:53.740 "That I found in a hedge. 0:02:53.740,0:03:04.783 "Now, uh, lipstick colors this season, are, uh, in the frosted pink area, and uh, nail colors to match. 0:03:04.813,0:03:13.298 "and uh, this reminds me rather of Our Lord Jesus!" (laughter) 0:03:13.298,0:03:19.340 "Because surely when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey, he must have got tarted up a bit." 0:03:19.340,0:03:24.485 (laughter) 0:03:24.485,0:03:32.338 "We will now sing four- hymn 405, 'O God, what on Eath is my Head All About.' 0:03:32.338,0:03:38.741 (slurred singing) "O God, what on earth is my head..." 0:03:38.741,0:03:42.256 There's something weird - something phenominally dreary about Christian singing. 0:03:42.256,0:03:45.250 The gospel singers are the only singers who just go crazy! 0:03:45.250,0:03:51.304 going joyous! and it's fucking amazing and it's born out of kidnapping, inprisionment, slavery, murder 0:03:51.335,0:03:53.433 all of that and this joyous singing. 0:03:53.433,0:03:55.980 And the Church of England - well, all those sort of Christian religions 0:03:55.980,0:04:00.115 with, with uh, many caucasian white people, with all the power and money and 0:04:00.115,0:04:02.958 enough power and money to make Solomon blush. 0:04:02.958,0:04:04.007 And they're all singing, 0:04:04.007,0:04:14.544 (slurred singing) "O God, O been ages past...a (unintelligable)..." 0:04:14.544,0:04:18.844 They're the only group of people who can sing Hallelujah without feeling like it's a Hallelujah thing 0:04:18.844,0:04:33.451 (slurred singing) "Hal-leh-lu-jah, Ha-leh-lu-jah. Joyfully we lark about." 0:04:33.451,0:04:40.499 And (laughter, clapping) 0:04:40.499,0:04:43.298 No - it's, it's just not kicking, is it? You know 0:04:43.298,0:04:48.084 God must be up there going, "What on Earth is that?" 0:04:48.084,0:04:51.654 God, who is James Mason, "What on Earth is that?" (laughter) 0:04:51.654,0:04:55.184 "Jesus Christ! What on Earth is that?" 0:04:55.184,0:04:57.691 "Don't take my name in vain, Dad!" 0:04:57.691,0:05:00.617 "Jeezey Chrizey, what on Earth is that?" 0:05:00.617,0:05:03.116 "Don't call me Jeezey Chrizey! 0:05:03.116,0:05:06.009 "Look Dad, I went down there, I told them to hang out, be groovey, drink a bit of wine, 0:05:06.009,0:05:07.010 !they split into different groups! 0:05:07.010,0:05:08.679 "You've got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits, 0:05:08.679,0:05:14.736 "the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the Free Presbyterians, the Locked Up Presbyterians 0:05:14.736,0:05:17.885 "the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers. 0:05:17.885,0:05:22.456 "The Mormons ARE from Mars, Dad, we've had it checked." 0:05:22.456,0:05:23.978 "And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?" 0:05:23.978,0:05:27.550 "Oh he's useless, Dad, got a sheet over his head these days." 0:05:27.565,0:05:34.348 Wooo, Holy Ghost... woo, Holy Ghooost! 0:05:34.348,0:05:40.627 Holy Ghost, this is not an Episode of Scooby Doo! 0:05:40.627,0:05:45.587 "I would have succeeed if it wasn't for those pesky God and Jesus fellas!"