-
I didn't know when I agreed to do this,
-
whether I was expected to talk, or to sing.
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But when I was told that the topic was language,
-
I felt that I had to speak about something for a moment.
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I have a problem.
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It's not the worst thing in the world,
-
I'm fine,
-
I'm not on fire,
-
I know that other people in the world
-
have far worst things to deal with,
-
but for me, language and music are
-
inextricably linked through this one thing.
-
And the thing, is that, I have a stutter.
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It might seem curious given that I spend a lot of my life on the stage.
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One would assume that i'm comfortable
-
in the public's fear and comfortable here, speaking to you guys.
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But the truth is that I've spent my life up on to this point
-
and including this point, living in mortal dread of public speaking.
-
Public 'singing',
-
whole different thing.
-
[Chuckles]
-
But we'll get to that in a moment.
-
I've never really talked about it before so explicitly.
-
I think that that's because I've always lived in hope
-
that when I was a grown-up,
-
I wouldn't have one.
-
I sort of lived with this idea that when i'm grown,
-
I'd learn to speak French,
-
and when i'm grown, i'll learn how to manage my money,
-
and when i'm grown, I won't have a stutter,
-
and i'll be able to public speak and maybe be the Prime Minister
-
and anything's possible and, you know.
-
[Chuckles]
-
So I can talk about it now,
-
because I've reached this point, where, I mean, i'm 28.
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I'm pretty sure that i'm grown now.
-
[Chuckles]
-
And i'm an adult woman,
-
who spends her life as a performer,
-
with a speech impediment.
-
So, I might as well come clean about it.
-
There are some interesting angles to having a stutter.
-
For me, the worst thing that can happen
-
is meeting another stutterer.
-
[Laughter]
-
This happened to me in Hamburg, when
-
this guy, we met and he said,
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"Hello, m..m..m..my name is Joe",
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and I said,
-
"Hello, m..m..m..my name is Mey".
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Imagine my horror when I realized
-
he thought that I was making fun of him.
-
[Laughter]
-
People think i'm drunk. All the time.
-
[Laughter]
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People think that I've forgotten their name, when I hesitate before saying it.
-
And it is a very weird thing, because
-
proper nouns are the worst.
-
If i'm gonna use the word, 'Wednesday', in a sentence,
-
and i'm coming up to the word,
-
and I can feel that i'm gonna stutter or something,
-
I can change the word, to 'tomorrow', or 'the day after Tuesday',
-
or something else, you know, it's clunky,
-
but you can get away with it.
-
Because over time, I've developed this loophole method of using speech
-
where right at the last minute you change the thing and you trick your brain.
-
But with peoples' names, you can't change them.
-
[Chuckles]
-
When I was singing a lot of jazz,
-
I worked a lot with a pianist whose name was Steve.
-
As you can probably gather, 'S's and 'T's together, or independently,
-
are like Kryptonite.
-
[Chuckles]
-
But I would have to introduce the band
-
over this rolling vamp, you know,
-
and when I got around to Steve,
-
I'd often find myself stuck on the 'St'.
-
And it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable and it totally kills the vibe, you know.
-
So after a few instances of this,
-
Steve happily became 'Seve'.
-
[Laughter]
-
And we got through it that way.
-
I've had a lot of therapy,
-
and a common form of treatment is to use this technique that's called , 'Smooth Speech',
-
which is where you almost sing everything that you say.
-
You kind of join everything together in this very sing-song, kindergarten teacher sort of way,
-
and it makes you sound very serene, like you've had lots of valium,
-
[Laughter]
-
and everything is calm.
-
That's not actually me, you know.
-
And I do, I do use that, I use it when I have to be on panel shows,
-
or when I have to do radio interviews,
-
when the economy of airtime is Paramount.
-
[Laughter]
-
I get through it that way, you know, for my job.
-
But as an artist who feels that their work
-
is based solely on a platform of honesty,
-
and being real,
-
that feels often like cheating.
-
Which is why before I sing, I wanted to tell you what singing means to me.
-
It's more than making nice sounds,
-
and it's more than making nice song,
-
it's more than feeling known, or understood.
-
It's more than making you feel the things that I feel.
-
It's not about mythology,
-
or mythologizing myself to you.
-
Somehow, through some miraculous synaptic function of the human brain,
-
it's impossible to stutter when you sing.
-
And when I was younger, that was a method of treatment
-
that worked very well for me.
-
Singing.
-
So I did it a lot.
-
[Chuckles]
-
And that's why i'm here, today.
-
[Applause]
-
Singing for me is sweet relief.
-
It is the only time when I feel fluent.
-
It is the only time when what comes out of my mouth
-
is comprehensively exactly what I intended.
-
[Chuckles]
-
So I know that this is a TED talk, but now i'm going to TED sing.
-
This is a song that I wrote last year.
-
Thank you very much.
-
Thank you.
-
[Applause]
-
[Piano]
-
I would be a beauty
-
but my nose
-
is slightly too big
-
for my face
-
And I would be a dreamer
-
but my dream
-
is slightly too big
-
for this space
-
And I would be an angel
-
but my halo
-
impales in the glow
-
of your grace
-
And I would be a joker
-
but that could look silly when you play
-
your ace
-
[Piano]
-
And I'd like to know,
-
Are there stars in hell?
-
And I'd like to know,
-
know if you can tell
-
that you make me lose everything I know
-
That I cannot choose to or not let go
-
[Piano]
-
And I'd stay forever
-
but my home
-
is slightly too far
-
from this place
-
And I swear I tried to
-
slow it down
-
when I'm walking at your pace
-
But all I could think
-
Is land through the cities,
-
Do I look pretty in the rain?
-
And I don't know how someone
-
quite so lovely
-
makes me feel ugly
-
So much shame
-
[Piano]
-
And i'd like to know,
-
Are there stars in hell?
-
And i'd like to know,
-
know if you can tell that you make me lose everything I know
-
that I cannot choose to or not let go