www.youtube.com/.../watch?v=pkSuPb7U3XY

On Only in America.

The tough American gig
of Gator relocator.

- Woe. He's flipping on us.
- What the hell?

In Pennsylvania setting off

fireworks ain't just a historic
tradition. It's a family business.

(missing scripts) fireworks, right
there boys.

And finally I check out the Vegas
version of America's roughest,

toughest female sport on wheels.

Ahh!

Listen up America. I'm Larry the
cable guy and I love this country.

So I had this idea to find out all the
things that make this country great.

The people, the history,
the way we do things.

Only in America.

ONLY IN AMERICA
WITH LARRY THE CABLE GUY

America a big old country
with a lot critters.

We got Mountain Lions,
Bears, big horn sheep

and whatever that thing is that
sits on top of Donald Trump's head.

So I'm down here at the
Gulf Coast of Mississippi

where they got a whole
lot of alligators.

Alligators, in Spanish that means
something just ate my dog

but a lot of times these over
grown lizards don't stay

where they're supposed to.

They'll get into somebody's pool
or out on the road that's why

I'm here to see who you call in
case you need a gator relocator.

Now that to be said I'm starting
today with ten fingers.

I hope I keep it that way.

The American Alligator is native
only to the Southeast United States

and that's created a unique job
that job removing gators

when they drop in unannounced.

Now these gators were on the verge
of extinction many years ago

but like tough Americans they
bounced back in huge numbers.

So now I'm going to learn
a little gator wrangling

from Ricky Flint and Lenny McCord

from the Mississippi
Department of Wildlife.

And when I think of Gator Wranglers

I think of the names
Ricky and Lenny.

Hello. Got you a little lizard do you?

Got a young alligator here.

This is one that was ah
hanging out by some

- Hanging out at the mall.
- a rural residential area.

Really.

We started a program in 2007 trying
to understand some information

about how alligators move
particularly ah with alligators

that we capture and relocate.

This is the tag that we're going
to put on the alligators tail.

Just line that up with this hole
that's sitting right here.

Line that up with the hole.
That's what she said. Haha..

Hard and quick. You ready,
hard and quick

- That's what she said again.
- You ready?

Yeah. All right.
You tagged an alligator.

We also put a tracking device
on the alligator.

Ah we're going to measure it
and we're going to

- Cut it up.
- We're going to sex this alligator.

- We're going to do what now?
- We're going to sex the alligator.

We are. I didn't know y'all
done that down here.

So the stories are true about
the Gulf Coast. I'm just kidding.

We're going to sex the alligator.

You told me this would
be family friendly.

It is but you're the one
that said it not me.

Actually you cannot determine
the sex of an alligator

by looking at the exterior
characteristics.

All you're going to need to do
is take your little pinky.

You go ahead and sex the alligator.

- This is the cloaca, this is where
- The cloaca, okay.

reproduction occurs and so we're
going to need to stick in here.

- Oh look at you. Seriously huh.
- And it is a female.

It is a female. Well let me feel.

Yeah that's a female right there.
Look at that.

Well, you're feeling for something
in there that is very obvious

to most males, stingers
and non stingers.

Did you know that 70 percent of
female alligators stay faithful

to the single male? Except for
the Jersey shore alligator.

You get one drink in
a Jersey shore Alligator

she'll go home with anybody.

Now there's more than five
million gators in the U.S.,

30,000 in Mississippi, and almost
2 million in Louisiana.

Now we might have to move
a big one today

so I'm going to get some practice
in on this little dinky one.

Most alligators tendency, he's
probably going to hold his ground.

They are nothing but muscle
from tip to tip, it's solid muscle.

- Very little fat.
- Much like me.

I was noticing that. He's
quite lethargic now.

He's probably not going to
be much of a problem.

All right they are very quick. He
can outrun you for a short distant.

- Get it slipped over the head.
- That's how you do it.

That pole right there only let's get
so tight it's not gonna strangle them

No but they breathe through
their nose anyway.

That's right. Yeah.

At this point, I would ask you
to come in from behind him.

- Okay.
- and kneel down.

- And then restrain him.
- And place your hand on his back.

You son of a [bleep]. I got the
alligator. Somebody get the police.

We got the alligator boys. Maybe
that's overdoing it a bit, huh?

We would normally take our hand

and run it down the back to the
head and mash the tip

of the snot down to the ground.

So you want to do, and then

I got him. You just

You got it. And then what do I do?

- That's right just mash it down.
- Just mash down on it.

- All right I mashed.
- Uh huh.

Lenny you're, youre close to the
teeth. What do you want me to do?

You can let it come up a bit.

Ok I'm letting up. You got it. You're
going to hold him just like that.

That's one hand to hold it,
hold it closed.

Alligators have up to 3000 pounds
of pressure when they bite down.

I mean that's powerful.

Now opening the mouth
that's a different story.

They're a lot weaker you can
literally hold their mouth shut

with your hand.

Kind of like you do the kids when
you take them to the mall.

Good thing I got my practice in
cause there's a ten-foot gator

on the loose just off of Highway 614.

(Unintelligible) gator loose.

These type of situations are
the worst ones.

These are the most dangerous
he's on hard surface ground.

Um, he's green, we call it green
because you haven't had him

captured at all. He's, he's
got all his energy built up.

Oh perfect. Well let's go get
us an alligator. Dag it.

- Let me give you the end of it.
- All right.

You get that end.

Now what am I supposed
to do with this end.

Hold it.

Now if he comes at us we just haul
right? Well he just going to sit there

and let us do it. Oh look at this.

Ohhhh, right now the
alligator's hissing,

he's making a hissing noise at us.
How big do we think he is?

Oh, he's flipping on us. Oh look.
Don't get him too close to us.

We're in a good position.

- We are in a good position.
- Yeah.

Oh shoot, what the hell? I'm
pushing Ricky up in front of me here.

- Oh look at this. Oh Jesus.
- Woe look at that.

- Ohhhh.
- Watch his tail.

- Don't let the tail get on him.
- Come on tape him.

Hold on. (missing scripts)

How many loops you want me doing here?

- About three.
- About three loops?

- Come on.
- All right, all right.

- That's good.
- Rip that tape.

- Tear it off.
- All right.

Well son of a... I could never rip
this duck tape. There we go.

So we got him. We got him licked.

Let's get him tied.
Get his legs tied.

Now this is your average
everyday stuff for these guys.

See a little blood on the alligator
it ain't their fault this alligator

started bouncing around
and scuffed his nose up.

All right let Larry tie them
back legs up.

All right, now I got I should've
wore a cup. We going to hog-tie it.

Okay. We're hog-tying an alligator.

And why do we have to hog tie
the legs if we got him

already noosed up?

With his feet on the ground
he's a lot more mobile.

How do these alligators
get so mobile?

It's actually because of us humans.

They got man-made ponds
and culverts that allow them

to go about a 100 miles away
from their swampy homes.

They call it the Alligator Highway.

Give it time the government
will put a toll on it too.

Ready.

- Now who's gonna get the tail?
- You are.

Now that son of bitch going to come
around and knock my legs in two

All right, there we go.

Hey look at that. Woe look
at that. I almost got killed.

Now that I single-handedly
got this gator under control

without any help from anybody
else we head out to

an undisclosed location to
release it back into the wild.

I've seen that tail wagging.

Now when Gator attacks
happen it is big news.

He is a hissing and a hollering.
Watch your feet. Watch your feet.

But down south they know
deaths are rare.

They tell me only about 30 people
have died from gator attacks

in the United States in
the last 100 years.

Holy mackerel, this dudes pissed.

We're untying it so we can
get him tied back good.

I think Larry's the one that
tied his hind legs right.

Look it's the first time I
ever hog-tied an alligator.

Well it's a good thing I
showed up to help y'all out.

I mean you'd barely have
his rope on by now.

Okay America, what animal
is responsible

for the most deaths every year.
Is it the Alligator? [BUZZ]

What the hell?

Snake? [BUZZ],

Shark? [BUZZ].

Nope, it's the mosquito. Mosquito?

Mosquito's an animal. [DING]

Boy you do learn stuff on here.

I'm going to let you might
take some notes for us.

All right 'Ill do it.

Snout length is 11 and 1/8th.
Can you write that down?

- I got it.
- Nine foot,

11 inches and three quarters.

- Nine, 11 and three quarters.
- One quarter inch shy of ten foot.

So he's ah a Lebron James and
a Webster kind of back to back.

What's his biggest adversary
other than you?

- Ah, another alligator.
- And that'd be pretty much it.

That'd be it, 44 inches
and 4/8th on his belly.

44 and 4/8th. He can wear
my pants. Unbelievable.

That's almost the exact same size.

Hey I got a pair of suit pants
at the house if you want them.

You've been wanting to
do something right?

- Yes sir.
- Sex him.

- Oh, I'm not sexing that one.
- Huh.

I'm not sexing that big thing.
Are you kidding me

I can get my whole fist
in that hole.

Uh. See this is what happens
when you try to put a finger in it.

Oh yeah. We got a boy.
We definitely got ah.

- Okay.
- We.. yeah.

All right, let's pull him down
to the edge of the water.

Okay. Boy he's going to
love this, isn't he?

He's going to, I bet now is he just
going to really immediately haul.

Ah, probably not.

I don't want to be the one
to have to take the tape off

cause he's really going to

Oh, yeah you're going
to take the tape off.

But.

You're going to tie, tie
this rope to this tape.

Oh and pull the tape off.
Oh that's got to suck.

- You ever had your back waxed?
- No.

If it feels anything like that
then he's going to be pissed.

Now if I pull this off is he
going to run towards me?

- Naw.
- Yeah.

Right towards that water.
Time to yank that off of him.

You can pull it off.
Where are you going?

I didn't want him to come
after me. I mean I got no idea.

I'm not, you know I just look at
alligators from a fence with kids.

Now he's, how long will he sit
here until he feels comfortable?

Now does he know
the waters there?

You see, he's focused on us right now

- How about this butterfly?
- He's pretty brave.

Now will he ... Look at that! The
butterfly is the king of the forest.

He's sitting there right now
going huh do something,

all right you want a piece of me.

The butterfly's the only one that got
any (missing scripts) around here.

That's about as close as any living
thing is going to get to this alligator

is that butterfly, oh look out now.
Look out. Lenny come on now.

Listen to that huh. Listen to that
he is really bent out of shape.

Yeah the butterfly's even
getting worried now.

Lenny come on now it ain't worth it.
This ain't major network television.

This is cable. Oh there he goes.
Now he's getting out of here.

Heap, ship it. Heap, get um
out of here.

Heap, ship it. Heap, get on
out of here. There he goes.

Larry, we just got another call.

Okay, I just hate letting them go
like that, I've grown attached to it.

As soon as we finished relocating
one gator we were back on the road

to investigate another
gator disturbance.

- Do I need my shotgun?
- No.

I'm trying to show this house and
there's alligator in the back yard.

- Are you the owner?
- No, I'm realtor.

Okay.

He might be in the pool
I haven't seen him.

Why dont you go out there
and get that alligator

- and I'll talk to the realtor .
- Okay.

about whats going on here.

Well you know Ricky does have
more experience than I do

at taming alligators.

I stick with what I know
about, calming red heads.

I'll be dog on, how in the
heck did he get in there?

I don't know.

Now how we're going to do this.

He's in this daggon toilet.
Look at this.

He's probably not going to
come back up to the surface.

- You're going to drain the pool.
- Let me go get my rod.

So how often does this happen
to y'all you come out here

- he's submerges in a pool.
- It's not all that unusual.

Boy you truly are a professional

if you can snag an alligator
in poop water ... Lenny!

All right here we go.

Now be careful cause that thing
comes flying out of there

Hey, good job Rick. Where you
get him at right in the foot?

Look at him he's pretty. Geez.

How long can an alligator hold
its breath underwater Rick?

At least an hour if they're
you know relax.

- Oh geesh that's the whole show.
- All right.

Hey there you go, look at that.
We got him.

You might want to stand back.
This is only for professional.

See he's a little less scary
looking than the other one

that we did earlier today
but he's still scary.

I want you to ride down and
put your hands on his back

and put your weight on him
as you get on him.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

What about his tail?

Your hands need to land right
here on his back and right there.

Is his tail going to swing out?

His tail is going to do stuff but
you ain't got to worry about it.

- So just get over it like this.
- Yeap, yeap.

And you need to do it quick.

- Well.
- You're waiting around. Lets go.

Okay, one knee, one knee down.

All right, slide your hand right
down the top of his snout.

- Okay, just like that.
- And mash it down. Come on.

- I'm doing it.
- Mash it down.

- I'm mashed down, I'm mashed it.
- Why are you shaking?

Well I got a tremor in one of
my hands I automatically shake.

I mean I ain't never
done this before.

All right now take your hand
and wrap it around his jaw.

He smells like a damn hog.

Around the jaw. Come on
back here. Right there.

What do I do hold it?

Hold it. We're counting
on you baby.

All right I'm holding it.
Only in America.

Ok now we got him.

You know what we just did?
We gator done.

Now that we got the gator all tied up

we're fixing to take him
to cleaner waters.

Oh god dang, I am so over this show.

Honestly. How much you think
he weighs? He's not too big

Ah probably 40, 50 lbs.

That's about it. Cause I'm looking
at the bulge in my arm

that looks like a 60lb bulge, oh.

And once again we take the gator to
another location to release him back

into the wild and if we're lucky

maybe he'll find where
that red head realtor lives.

How do they mate?

I mean if, if his is under there
and hers is under there

If this, if this were the female
and they were in the water

the male would come along
belly on top of her back.

All right.

And his reproductive organ would
come all the way under and back up.

About knocked my
reproductive organ.

Good thing is he got tape on his lip

or he would've had two
testicles right in his snout.

- Sheez.
- It's a very, what's the word, ah?

- Romantic.
- It's not very romantic.

- It's a violent
- It's a violent.

Really.

The male's usually biting the
female to hold on to her leg.

No kidding.

The courtship actually takes
place for an hour or more.

Does she look for a particular guy?

Uh huh. And the males
will fight over her.

And they'll fight over her
and then she'll pick

- the baddest one of the bunch.
- Yeah. I guess.

Well I tell you what them fights
over the lady gators are brutal!

The male gators will bite each
other's legs off and tails and heads.

Sometimes they'll even
eat their rivals.

It's like the wild kingdom
version of Jerry Springer.

There's alligator of all range
of sizes that exist in here

from hatchlings eight inches
long up to 13 feet.

So he'll pretty much be left
alone he's to the size now

where he's really going to be ok.

Yeah he's, he's going to find him
a new home range in here.

Survival of the fittest.

You know a lot of people will take
him home and make them boots

but these guys and me, we're going
to go ahead and let him go

and let him be eaten by
a larger alligator.

That's the humane way to do it.
Well let's go let him go.

- We're ready.
- Let's let him loose.

All right

Good bye is always the hardest
part in this whole thing.

Off to a new world.

My fellow Americans I don't know
about you but I feel pretty secure

when I wake up in the morning
and there's a reptile in my bed,

which has happened a few
times after tequila.

That there's somebody there I can
call and the folks in Mississippi

ought to be thankful there's
somebody they can call

the next time they wake up and
they find a alligator in their Jacuzzi

By the way if you do find an
alligator in the Jacuzzi do not get

in the hot tub until he's good
and comfortable

and has a couple glasses of wine.
All right. Off to the wild.

ONLY IN AMERICA
WITH LARRY THE CABLE GUY

PENNSYLVANIA
NEW CASTLE

Crackers. Lady fingers. Flaming balls.

No that ain't a medical condition,
that's fire crackers.

Whether it be a beautiful display
that lights up the sky

or throwing an M80 down
your neighbor's toilet,

fire crackers are truly American.

And I'm here in New Castle,
Pennsylvania,

the firecracker capitol of the world.

And I'm gonna meet a family called
the Zambelli's that immigrated here

all the way from Italy and started

one of the biggest firework
companies in the United States.

And fortunately they got all their
fingers and they're not deaf.

What are the odds?

- How are you doing today?
- Huh?

Never mind.

All right we all know there
are two kinds of fireworks.

The cheap ones that stink that
your Uncle brings over, and these.

The Zambelli's are truly
and only in America story.

They put on some of the biggest
fireworks shows in the country

including Presidential Inaugurations,
the World Series and the Superbowl.

So I met with George Zambelli,

grandson of founder
Antonio Zambelli.

So how long have y'all been here.

My grandfather back in 1893
immigrated from Italy,

brought his pyrotechnic dream
with him and my father

and his three brothers, Louis,
Carmen and Joe, has brought

uh, the company to being the
premiere company in the world.

Fireworks historically like
Walmart dates back to

China where they invented
the black powder.

Now Marco Polo brought that black
powder to Italy and that's when

the fireworks really took off.

At Zambelli, everything is handmade.

Employees work in small buildings
separated by blast walls

just in case one of them blows.

Frank Phillips here makes the
basic chemical composition

that's used in fireworks to
create the spectacular colors.

- Well how's it going?
- Okay Larry. Greetings.

- Well I don't know am I allowed
- You're allowed, you're allowed.

Now wait a sec hold on a sec.
now are all these chemicals safe?

Yes.

Then why are you wearing
a paper suit?

Everybody's wearing
breathing units but me.

So is it safe for me to be
in here like that?

No you should have a facemask.

Now what are these uh?

- The uh, this here is the oxidizer.
- Okay.

That's the oxidizer that causes
the burn and this is the uh

uh, uh the uh and this is
the this is the uh, uh

- This stuff doesn't affect your eyes?
- Um this is the ... what, no.

- Because I'm getting blurry. Really?
- No, it doesn't.

- Okay.
- All right just like you did when you

It looks delicious. Looks like a
flower cinnamon kinda butterscotch mix

Yes. And all you do is you
take it, here's the screen

How'd you learn how to do all this?

- Starting with Zambelli's in '61.
- Really, way back in '61?

61, just lift it up and shake it back
and forth until it goes through.

So how many hours a day
are you in here sifting?

Oh, 8, 8 hours day, five days a week.

Just a lot of thinking
going on in here, ha?

Yeah.

Did you know our first fireworks
display on the fourth of July

happened in 1777 and that year
we were still fighting the British

talk about good old American optimism?
It's like, ah, we'll win that game.

Tell you what thank god for
the fourth of July huh?

Pardon?

You'd be making cake
batter somewhere.

Right now you look like Semos
in Planet of the Apes

with that looking at me like that
it's like the Semos' nose

and uh it's unbelievable.

Now sometimes just for the hell of it
do you ever walk into a restaurant

and go, "All right everybody
we gotta get outta here."

Now fireworks function like
little bombs of light.

They are shells packed with
those explosives

and the salts that give 'em color.

They then get two fuses

one that lights the mortar that blows
up and sends them into the sky,

and a second that burns slower

so it's timed to explode when
the shell is in the air.

Raymond Laffredo is a guy who
has been packing shells

for the Zambelli's since he
came back from Vietnam.

Well how's it going?

This guy is an expert at putting
together the most complicated

shells, including all the cool shapes
that pop out of these things.

Now I heard that you put other
things in these firecrackers,

what's the weirdest request you've
ever had to stuff a firecracker with?

Well, for instance, Hunter S.
Thompson was one of 'em.

When he died, uh he was cremated
and he sent his ashes here

- to be built into a shell.
- Really?

- Yes.
- Here?

Yes.

Hunter S. Thompson's ashes come
here so you put 'em in a shell

so he wanted to explode where?

Over his property out
west somewhere.

Do a lot of people do that?

I've made about 15 shells
full of uh ashes.

Really? Only in America can you ship
your ashes to this man right here

and he will shoot you over
anything you wanna be shot out.

Anywhere, any place.

- That's a good burial right there.
- Yes, it is.

Now what is she doing over here?

She's uh pasting uh six-inch shells in
the last process of being pasted here.

Boy you look like you need some
help, why are you pasting?

Because this is the last step.

- Are you pissed off or something?
- No.

You look like you're about
to go off on something.

- I was like, okay.
- Serious work here serious work.

I hear ya, now they call it spiking
because they wrap it all up in the

Yes, because the tighter
your shell is the more

The tighter your shell is?

The tighter, the harder
it is to break the

- Oh so the tighter the shell is the
- The ...

Let's all complete this sentence
at home, shall we?

The tighter the shell is the blank.
The tighter it is the more intense

- the explosion.
- Yes.

That's what she said.
Hahahaha

Any uh

- Ok now we're.
- Ok sit on down.

- Do you even work here?
- Yeah. Anyway ah yeah the ah.

Are we doing something illegal
all I asked it what you're doing.

- I know what I'm doing.
- Well what are you doing?

- I am pasting this shell.
- What does that mean?

- Anyway, anyway
- Okay.

Yes, the harder it breaks for
is the, the spiking, you roll it

Darling I love you to death,
I love you.

Anyway, okay, I roll it now
you have to cut the paper

and then put it on the bottom.

Okay and what is
the purpose of this?

The purpose of the pasting
of the paper on the shell

after it's been spiked is to
bring more intense explosion

because you're making it harder.

Right. So I still don't
understand why we do it?

We make it tighter and more
compact to have a better explosion.

The more explosion it's gonna shoot
bring the all the components out.

How much glue do you
have to put on this?

It starts out like this.

So it starts out just a dry
piece of paper?

- Just a dry p-
- Then you add the glue.

- Put it on.
- Okay then you add your glue.

- And then you wrap this in it.
- Then you wrap the paper.

And why do we wrap those
in this paper?

You wrap them in the paper to ...

And the purpose of wrapping
them in there?

Erupt, not eruption um explosion.
The most is spread.

Like when you it goes in the sky
you don't want it to go little bit

- you want it to go way out.
- God love you.

Like gator catching fireworks is
skilled work and that's why some of

our American firework
companies were called on

during both world wars
to help them make bombs.

And we ain't talking lady fingers.

Now Uncle Lou is the
oldest surviving Zambelli.

At age 84 he still works
seven days a week

handcrafting the
individual fireworks.

Now right now Lou is
spiking the fireworks

which as we just so
eloquently learned means

to make the explosion bigger.

Bless her heart that's really
all she had to say.

Well the good thing about this job
Lou is you don't really have to

you don't hurt your fingers.

- My fingers?
- You oughta see what

I do over there with my fingers.

Now what's going on with that Lou?
What's going on with those?

Well I show you that next operation.

I don't think I wanna go
in there with you.

Huh?

I don't think I wanna go in there
with you if you if you're blowing

- your fingers off. Lou?
- Yeah?

Lou conked out on us for a second.

Gary I'm gonna show you the next
operation I'm going to next,

that I do almost every day.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Yeah let's do it. Is this
how you got your fingers hurt?

- No.
- Oh.

I think Lou just called me Gary.

I'm not sure but anyway next Lou
showed me how he hand ties

the quick match which is a special
kind of super fast burning fuse

to the individual fireworks.

You got to be sure the fuse is showing

Okay. Stick that in there.
Kinda turning me on a little bit.

Boy thats a, if my grandpa
would've done that

- his teeth would've come flying out.
- Look at all that

- Oh yeah look at that.
- Feel that calcium.

Wow what now what happened.

Well the tying. 65 years.
Look at this tongue.

- Well that's about like mine.
- It's a working tongue.

Yeah I gotta working tongue too.
A good working tongue.

We got the same tongue, fissured
tongue look. Show you tongue.

We got the same tongue.
Good working tongue.

Never had any complaints about it.

At Zambelli's Fireworks I was
about to meet Mark Spielvogel

who makes set pieces, which are like
billboards made out of fireworks.

Yeah I can do a face,
a logo, anything.

I've built probably 20 thousand
better set pieces.

- Ranging from 1 frame to a 100 frames
- Good for you.

It's different it's a different
form of art and I really like it.

It really is and you don't
gotta wear the paper suit.

- No, and I dont wear ...
- Which is good.

Right now he's making
a set piece for the show

they're going to do for me tonight.

Now I'm not going to know
what it says until they light it

so now we're going to go ahead
and run the last frame up to

where the show's going to be.

Boy that was a bumpy road
but a smooth ride.

Right now behind me they're
working on my surprise

I guess they were getting
all these fireworks done today

and they're putting 'em in
this deal right here

so once the sun goes down
we're gonna light it off

and we'll see what it says.

Everybody's here except for
the guy in the paper suit.

Boy I tell you hanging around
fireworks all day

I was itching to light something.

So now I was gonna get some
training in how to do it

without blowing yourself up.

Oh holy son ... look at that!
Now this is one big long fuse?

Yeah this is this is what
we use on the set pieces.

This stuff burns about
65 feet a second.

Now quick match is a fast burning
fuse made of black powder

that they use to set off multiple
fireworks simultaneously.

So if it goes 65 feet a second,
this is gonna take a half a second.

So here we go boys. We're lit.

Now watch this, oh son of a!
Dude are you kidding me?

No. I told you it would go quick.

Now some of the fourth generation
Zambelli kids are showing me

how they set off the fireworks
the old fashioned way.

Whoa! Look at those.

Oh look at these boys
I've done two of 'em!

We gotta dud.

We got, oh no
we don't okay.

When George's grandpa Antonio
came over to this country from Italy

he was so excited to see
the Statue of Liberty

he actually took his hat off, put
it over his heart and thank God

for his good fortune of being
able to live in this country.

And then when old Lady Liberty
celebrated her centennial in 1986

guess who put on the fireworks
display, the Zambelli family.

How's that for living
the American dream.

Okay, so now we're gonna
hand it over to Duane.

We're gonna hand it over to him
and we're gonna see a spectacular.

All right.

And you are a part of it, your labor
of love today was very helpful.

Well thank you, I just let you know
I made all these fireworks myself

today I worked hard at it, so

all right well let's see
what we got now

these are the electronic ones
we're gonna set off.

- Right. Let's turn it over to Duane.
- Duane it's up to you.

You screw this up you can
kiss everything goodbye

- you've ever worked for.
- All right.

Oh wait a minute. Look at this.
Look at this.

Zambelli fireworks right there boys.

You gotta love watching this George
I mean these are your creations.

(missing scripts)

Look at that huh?

George that's unbelievable ...

Look at that, that is unbelievable.

Hey George you thought of
everything but a permit.

I'm getting the hell outta here.

Some folks think that fireworks are
dangerous but I gotta tell you,

on the Fourth of July I'd rather be
around fireworks with short fuses

than I would my grandma
after two or three chilidogs.

But if you're gonna do fireworks
make sure you leave it

to the professionals and there's
nobody more professional

than the Zambelli family.

Italian immigrants that come to
our country armed with nothing

but a dream and an imagination,
and turn New Castle, Pennsylvania

into the fireworks capitol
of the world.

Ha! Only in America.

ONLY IN AMERICA
WITH LARRY THE CABLE GUY

NEVADA
LAS VEGAS

When our founding father created
the constitution and the framework

to mark our democracy they failed
to create a sport for women

that involved violence
and roller skates.

But thankfully, many hundreds
of years later, we as Americans

rectified that situation
by creating Roller Derby.

Now Roller Derby started
off as a knock off

of the old Dance Marathons
of the Great Depression.

That's when couples would
skate in circles

for over a month to win prizes.

But the thing really took off

when it becomes an all females
contact sport. Why wouldn't it?

Come on. Now it's tougher than
ever and so are the players.

You got tough chicks with tattoos
and little shorty shorts kicking butt.

And they got names like
Anna Mosity, Goldie Knocks

and Sandra Day O''Clobber.

Tell you what I'm going to go
join up. This is gonna suck.

Although I really don't know why.

- Oh!
- Go go go go.

- That was a cheap shot.
- Go, Penny!

- How you doing? I'm Larry.
- Shirley Demise.

- Shirley Demise
- Stardust Dunes.

Stardust how are ya?
Now check this out.

No two girls can have the same
name because these girls are

all registered on the International
Roller Girls Master Roster,

which has over 22,000 names.

Names like A.O. Lesgo and,
and Zsa Zsa Gaboom.

When was the last time
you were on skates?

Uh, what year did that
song Xanadu come out?

That was the last time I was in
and I was a hell of a skater

I was doing the backwards stuff
show off, you know?

- Right.
- I had to get chicks.

Yeah.

Since the rebirth of Roller Derby
in the last decade,

there's now over 500 leagues
in 16 different countries.

You're welcome other countries.

How about we get your warmed up?

- Yeah lets do it.
- Okay.

I used to be able to skate I think
I'll be all right look at this

it's almost like riding a bicycle.

If you feel like you're about

to go forward or back, just
bend your knees a little

- All right
- and just get sit in it.

This is exactly what I look like
when I'm on the toilet.

Look forward, cause you're
gonna go where your eyes are.

Get your head down there cause
you're gonna get nailed

- like you're riding a motorcycle.
- All right.

Proper skate form.

All right now hold on, what time
do you yall take a break.

Ah well that was one lap.

Now in Roller Derby it's not a
matter if you're going to get hurt.

It's when you're going to get hurt
so you need to take precautions

on how to fall correctly.

And if you want to fall
correctly that's usually

right on your butt or on a spectator.

Okay so Shirley's gonna show you
what our basic full knee fall is.

Knee fall you wanna ease into
it with one knee

- and then drop your other one.
- All right.

So it's ...

the more speed you have
the easier it is.

So you're just coming like this
And drop one knee, good that's it!

I got my first fall done.
I think I cracked the floor.

Then the second thing we'll
teach you is a toe stop.

Toe stop you just get
a little speed ... turn

All right.

Turn slowly toe stop, yeah!

- Geez.
- That was so good!

The four-wheel rollerskate was
invented in New York in 1863

by the great American named
James Plimpton.

After that there was no stopping
our great grandparents.

I mean they just kept rolling
along until of course

the toe stop was inventing
13 years later.

Thirteen years later, they
didn't stop for 13 years.

Now that I got the stopping down

which is pretty much
and important part of skating

it's time to master the hip check,
which is one of the main moves.

So that's pretty much it.
Let me try it. All right.

Oh that ain't bad now let me
do one, let me, let me do it.

- Lift up your leg. There you go.
- Woo!

- So when you go to hit somebody
- This is

Regardless of where you go
to hit 'em from.

- This is legal.
- Yes, that's legal.

- This is not legal.
- No.

All your block basically
is just this kinda stuff.

Like you're two fat folks trying
to get to the pudding buffet.

Kinda. Yes.

Then they showed me the
blockers most effective asset,

the booty block.

What now were aaaaaah!

So you try to get around
me but I would just

Is this Roller Derby we're
doing here what's going on?

Larry you start skating first
and then she's gonna come in

- and booty block you.
- And you gonna booty block me

all right I'm just roaming along here

Hey now! What the hell oh damn.

- Let me booty block you.
- Okay. Go ahead.

That should've wiped out
all the blockers.

No even though it may look like
a female mosh pit on skates

there are actually rules
to this mayhem.

Now it's easy follow this.

Each team has five players, three
blockers, one jammer and a pivot,

which can be a blocker or a jammer.

Either teams jammer scores
by getting past

the other teams players in the pack,

which ain't so easy when the
other team's blockers only goal is

to knock the living crap out
of you. Now you got it.

What are the teams? Shirts
and skins?

- Exactly. All right ladies!
- Who's on my team?

Okay, well it's time
to get this party started

and show these ladies how it's done.

- Come on Larry.
- Im up. Im up.

Now first I played blocker position.
Argh that's my position.

I mean I'm a big guy ain't no lady
going to get by me. Huh. Guess again.

Oh no. Here they come here
they come ... Come on.

Larry skate, Larry skate.

Are you on my team?
Hey she's a maniac!

- Next I got to be the jammer.
- Line up jammers.

We're on our way to
the jammer lane.

Oh no!

Now it ain't going to be easy getting
by a bunch of mean tattooed ladies

hell bent on knocking you on your
keester, especially on my first try.

But, as you know, I am
a born athlete.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Woo-hoo!
- Yeah!

- I enjoyed it, I learned a lot
- That was good.

most importantly I think I lost a
few pounds, which I needed to do

so it was good, thank you.

Well, the day's not over Larry and
because you did such a good job

we wanna officially invite you
to join the Sin City Roller Girls.

- With your own, very own jersey.
- I don't believe y'all!

And a big custom in Derby
is your Derby name.

Yes?

And we heard about you while
you're here in Las Vegas

so you are the Buffet
Barbarian, 6-pack.

Woo!

Thank you so much. I wanna thank,
I just wanna thank my coaches

and most of all my mom
and dad raised me up good

and the rest of my teammates.

I mean I couldn't do what I do today
without my other teammates.

All right well cool I'd love to join
you when are we playing?

- Tonight.
- We gonna have a game tonight?

Yeah.

Yeah you heard right.
An actual game,

right here in the center of Las
Vegas. What could go wrong?

Hey.Woo!

- How you doing, how you doing?
- Barbie!

Good to see everybody.

There are a lot of things
I'm gonna be watching for

while you're in the pack skating,

I don't want any hands pushing on
the backside of another skater.

Oh that's crap. What if you're
about to fall down?

You can touch your own
players any way you want

but you will not touch
the other players.

How about if you fall and
you inadvertently do this?

Then I will still probably call
you for that penalty.

For real?

Have, have a good time
and play safe.

Have a good time? I'm the only
one out here that's got testicles.

It's time to put 'em out on the line.

This is a little harder than what
we were playing on earlier.

Yeah.

Well I'll do the best I can, I've
loosened some of the wheels.

- Woo! Good job Larry get her done!
- There you go! Knock her down.

Hit her!

I think they need you out there.
Are you ready to go out there?

I gotta, I don't know, yeah?

You going to block ...

Boo.

- Oh God.
- Look out!

Get her!

Hey do we get any points?

The black's score tripled while
Larry was on the track.

- Woo!
- Somebody get me a sandwich.

- Come on!
- Come on!

Larry get her.

Larry!
Oh!

That's a penalty, that's a penalty!

I think it knocked a turd outta me

Ohhh ...

Somebody call an ambulance.

Today I've learned a lot about
teamwork and ingenuity.

America put a bunch of nutty girls
on wheels and forced them

to slam into one another.

That's why this is the greatest
country in the world.

I got to tell you other than some
internal, internal bleeding,

- I feel like I've done well today.
- Great.

And I had a blast, I'm going to tell
you other than some internal bleeding,

I might've fractured a rib.

I've popped a testicle, but other
than that I had a great time.

Tell you what you don't become
the greatest country in the world

without taking advantage
of your natural resources.

And that's what we did
in this country.

We took a bunch of good-looking
women that had an axe to grind

and gave 'em some skates and
put a funny name on their back

and they created Roller Derby.

A sport that's now popular in
over 16 different countries.

Who knows one day Roller Derby
might be an Olympic event.

I mean look at curling
it's real popular

they do curling in over
two other states.

Well, I'm going to get
some roller skates

and get one of those nice tattoos.